Anyone else have a "highly sensitive child"?

[lzp11]

I had always felt that my daughter (now aged almost 3) was more sensitive and tended to be much more emotional than many of her friends.  She reacts incredibly strongly and her emotional life is a real roller coaster.  She is actually a very happy girl but it can swing wildly and quite quickly from up to down and back again, especially when unwell or tired.  When talking to friends, they would all say the same about their children, but then when watching the children, I noticed that my DD definitely seemed to feel things more deeply, and struggle to cope with her emotions more than others.   It just did not feel quite the same as standard toddler reactions.  My second child is completely different – he is almost the complete opposite where very little seems to bother him and he is generally cheerful and content.

A few months ago, I read an article that lead me to the book, The Highly Sensitive Child (HSC) by Elaine Aron http://www.amazon.com/The-Highly-Sensitive-Child-Overwhelms/dp/0767908724/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334948030&sr=8-1

I was fascinated to discover that Aron feels that being “Highly Sensitive” is in fact a genetic trait which is present in around 15% of the population.  Interestingly, it seems that most HSCs (about 70%) are also introverts (defined as preferring only one or two close friends and disliking being in group situations).  However, my DD is a definite extravert – she is shy in groups that she does not know but actually loves the company of people, is extremely talkative when feeling confident and is very much a people type of person.  So she (and probably me too in all honesty) is a relatively unusual character – if the stats are accurate then only about 1% of the population fit this personality style.

If you are interested in whether your child might fit this profile, you can click to Look Inside the book on Amazon and it has the questionnaire as part of the introduction that you can read online.
Some of the traits are things like:
-   Startles easily
-   Doesn’t like big surprises
-   Learns better from gentle correction than harsh punishment
-   Clever sense of humour
-   Doesn’t do well with big changes
-   Is a perfectionist
-   Highly sensitive to pain and to noise
-   Performs better if strangers not present
-   Aware of danger
-   Feels things deeply

Sensitivity does not mean being necessarily shy or ‘neurotic’ but a greater tendency to notice more in their environment, deeply reflect on things before acting.  HSCs tend to be empathic, smart intuitive creative, careful, and conscientious (being aware of the effects of a misdeed).  They are also more easily overwhelmed by too much input at once, and can seem easily upset. Aron says that the HSC’s brain processes information more thoroughly, so they have faster reflexes, and are more affected by pain, medication etc.

Although HSCs have many wonderful traits, there are a number of challenges around being a HSC.  They can become totally overwhelmed in a situation that many other children would not be bothered by, and they may try to cope with their sensitivity by withdrawing from others.  Some may throw tantrums or rages or have meltdowns when feeling overwhelmed (this is my DD to a tee  !)  Others get physical symptoms – headaches and stomach pain.  Some can lose hope and become afraid and withdrawn.

Anyway, this book has really fascinated me, because it is such an accurate description of my DD.  She scored around 17/23  on the questionnaire (apparently scoring more than 13 is suggestive of a HSC).  Aron has some advice about coping with a HSC but I’d very much appreciate the input of others on this.  Much of it is about going with the child and not overstressing them.  But I’m not sure, as I’ve always been a believer in facing your fears rather than avoiding them, which just makes things worse in the long term.

 For example, my DD is very active and loves physical activity such as gymnastics.  We have been doing a Tumbletots class where I go in the class with her, but at 3 (her birthday is tomorrow!) she is due to go into a gymnastics class alone, with me watching from the side.  We did a trial class this morning, and although she agreed to go in, unfortunately, one of the bigger boys (quite gently) hit her face by mistake in the warm up.  After this, she basically refused to become involved and just sat watching on the sidelines.  She gradually got more and more upset so I took her out, and then when we tried again she just cried and refused to participate, so I took her back out again.

I decided not to try again as she was so clear that she did not want to go in again on her own.  It is certainly not the physical side – she is more than capable of doing that – this is much more a confidence issue.  She is verbally very advanced and proceeded to have a long and detailed conversation with another mother on the balcony about why she did not want to go back in and how brave she’d been!   So my plan is to carry on with the parent and child class until next term (September – which will be almost 5 months so she may be more confident by then).  One of the gymnastics instructors seemed understanding but someone else made a comment about needing to persevere... In fact, I hate being beaten by anxiety or fear but I don’t want her to grow to hate gymnastics either.

Anyway, the HSC thing seems to dominate so much of our activities that I thought it would be interesting to hear if anyone else has any similar experiences or ideas about how to support a HSC.  Perhaps being one myself is good and bad!  Sorry this is a bit of an essay but a subject very close to my heart.

[mybabyian]

I just wanted to comment that it is possible to help a child face their fears gently and it sounds like that is what you are doing.  Giving up would be taking her out of gymnastics all together.  When you push a child to confront their fears against their will it can really do more harm than good.  Sometimes it works but I think it is very risky and doesn't give the child the opportunity build their own confidence.  When you are sensitive and supportive (like it sounds like you are)  it empowers the child because the decision to persevere is their own.  This helps them have courage the next time they have to face a new situation. 

I just wanted to tell  you it sounds like you are doing the right thing.  Of course other parents will always comment.  When it comes to parenting everyone has their own style and beliefs.   

[Mandabplus3]

Very interesting, I shall look that book up. Your comments match one of my kiddie, who is so much like dad!
I don't let her off the hook but I do tend to give her more time to process things herself. So if she is naughty I will calm her and ask questions until she gets to the point by herself. Me telling her what she did wrong results in a meltdown, but if she figures it out herself, she learns, feels empathy and gets past it. Some parents watching it think I am too soft on her but I know it's effective long term so...
Now the gym stuff. Three is really too young to expect a child to go from a mummy and me class to a mummy watches only class. Usually the gyms will put kids up based not on age but on when they can cope without a parent there. If you think she is almost ready then gradually leave the floor at times. Maybe you suddenly need to go to the toilet more often  Or answer the phone... Personally I would stick with the junior class. A bunch of three year olds on a high beam with just a coach is plain dangerous. The one at the end of the line waiting has just run over to jump on the trampoline, the one just finished his turn has decided to climb to the roof on the roap.... our gym graduates to kids only from 4 and only graduates those who can follow instructions and play safe.

[Frukc]

I have a sensitive child (19/23 according to test of the book). She is very sensitive emotionally (startles easily, perfectionist etc) but not physically (does not feel scratchy or sandy clothing). My another child is completely different.

From my experience, there are two types of sensitive children: these who are understood by their parents and these who are not.

It is so terrible when parents do not understand their sensitive children. They call their children egoists, spoiled etc, and penalize them for crying. They treat their children like aliens from another planet.

I was a sensitive child too, and I know what happens if needs of sensitive child are ignored. (...)

There is a book which fits very well to the case of my child, and helps a lot. It conforms with my feelings about how I should be parented when I was a child. "Children are from heaven" John Gray, http://www.amazon.com/Children-Are-Heaven-Cooperative-Compassionate/dp/0060930993/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1335168078&sr=8-1

My girl is 4.5 years now. Kindergarten teacher says that she is much above the average. Well, I know that she is. Even when she was one year old I always felt that she is considering one dimension more than other children, when talking about events, processes, people. Other kids are not discriminating people very much.

She likes dancing very much and we went to local dance class when she was three years old. For two months she was just sitting and watching. I tried to be as supporting as possible. After two months she was ready to participate. But she become pale when other child tried to take her hand. So I decided to stop this, and I will continue next autumn when she will be 5.

You must consider that teachers in such classes can be firm. Our teacher was very kind - but I am sure that she is able to train tigers, too. Also the music was too loud. And my child becomes totally unhappy when someone physically tries her to get in a direction where she does not want to go.

[Mandabplus3]

Oh here is another tip for you. DON'T take her to the cinema! Oh boy I learnt that one the hard way. They were desperate to watch the movie and all of them did it with their hans over their ears and ALL 3 on my lap! Long movie for me! We now go to the cinema with glow sticks on their wrists and a beenie/hat that covers their ears and everyone is happy!

[Frukc]

Here you can read online the summary of "highly sensitive child" book. Tips etc.
http://www.mandalachildrenshouse.com/DYK/Did_You_Know-Highly_Sensitive_Child_1-08.pdf

[lzp11]

Thank you everyone for some helpful comments.

Mybabyian - thank you - I do agree that pushing gently, and being sensitive and supportive is the best way forward.  I think you cannot set goals that are too far away from where the child is already, otherwise it jsut overwhelms them and they will feel they have failed, so trying to set small achieveable steps forward is much more effective and kind.  Perhaps I need to look at trying to expose DD to small situations where she is further away from me over the next 6 months, and then build up to gymnastics when she is ready.  I could stand further away from her in the class that we already do, for example.  I'm not sure how else to build her confidence, but perhaps it will happen of it's own accord.  She does a swimming class with me and the teacher felt she's not ready to go in alone here either.  I think I might ask the teacher if towards the end of term she could start to build in a few sessions without parents to help the children move towards the next step. 

Manda - some helpful tips.  It is a preschool class for ages 3-5 but I think probably suited more for very confident younger children or those aged at least 3.5 and possibly 4.  For example, the children were doing forward rolls alone down a soft wedge - I don't think my daughter is ready for that yet.  I was sitting next to another mother who spent the entire class criticizing her daughter aloud whilst watching class ("Oh, she's not concentrating, oh dear, we will have to practice that at home, oh, why can't she do it properly..." etc etc).  She literally spent the entire hour talking to a younger child about how hopeless the older sister was.  It was really sad, as I think that her daughter will grow up with quite low self-esteem if she used that language so often.

Frukc  -  Thanks for that great link to a summary of the sensitive child book, - that's really helpful, even though  I have the book, the article summarizes the points really well.  I'll check out the John Gray book too.

I was a sensitive child and grew up with parents who were supportive and did not push me to do things I did not want to.  Sometimes I have wondered whether I could have been pushed more - and have some regrets about missing out one things.  But in later life I learned to push myself - perhaps this is the best way.  I think I need to remember it is a slow process and that following the child's lead is the most important thing.  We do a lot of different activities and classes together (much more than I did as a child, plus she goes to nursery 3 days a week when I work) so she already probably has more confidence and independence than I did at the same age.   She certainly does not react at all well to being pushed too hard to do anything, so gentle encouragement is what we will continue to do.  Starting something early and then getting put off and upset will not gain any progress so it is sometimes better to wait and then make more rapid progress a little later.

[lzp11]

I forgot to mention one thing that I think is really important for sensitive children, which is to empathize (not sympathize) and validate their emotions and acknowledge how real and difficult they may be.  When my DD gets very upset or frustrated then I have found that trying to calm her down or talk her out of the emotion actually makes things worse.  Sometimes distracting her with something else works but often she seems to need to let the emotions out.  I have found that by sitting with her, accepting her emotions, reassuring her that she is loved and that the emotions will soon pass, she is able to calm down herself when she is ready and can move on very quickly.  Sometimes we use time out as a way of giving her space to calm down.  Once when I was feeling upset a few months ago, she came up to me and said, "Don't worry mummy, we all love you.  You'll feel better soon"!!!!  It was so cute and it really did make me feel better.  And of course that is what I tend to say to her - "It's OK to be upset, you'll feel better soon".  I think she is very intuitive about emotions and how others are feeling.

[Mandabplus3]

Sounds familiar. After much trial and error. I usually let her have her emotional melt downs on her bed ( I use time out for the really naughty things) I don't go in until both her and I are calmer. We talk about the emotions she is feeling. By stating them out loud she feels validated. I say "I can see you are feeling very angry and sad" or  " when Jaykob took that away from you did that make you feel..." " it OK to feel that way, it's not OK to hit people/throw toys because you feel that way" " if you feel sad you can come to me and talk about it, what else could you do when you feel sad?" she is 6 now we have been doing this for 2 years, life is much better now! Oh boy she tested me! I always make her apologize and discuss how apologizing makes the other person feel.
One more thing, she has an amazing ability to gather the implied plots and feelings in a story. Her comprehension is in the higher order thinking skills category well above her years.  Because of this we need to be extra careful what I read to her and what she is exposed to on TV. If the sub plot is about betrayal or loyalty or feeling let out she will get it and it will completely dominate how she feels about the story. Even simple story books for children can effect her mood quite dramatically. If a character disappears ( with the underlying assumption that they were sick) she will know that they died! she often gets bit I missed.

[Frukc]

I was HSC. I learned early to be silent about my needs and stop feeling them. I grew up feeling guilt and shame about everything. I was depressed and even suicidal for 15 years. After psychotherapy and much other work I am free of that.

When my daughter says "I like to live as I live" and "we are a happy family and we love each other" I feel that this is more important than my other parenting activities.

Before my child was born, I was reading tons of books about attachment parenting. But my child did not grew as secure and extravert as my books promised. Now after reading about HSC I know that it is not because of my wrong person but because she is born as HSC.

It becomes better with years. Last summer (age 4) she started to talk to her grandfather (we meet almost every weekend since her birth, and she started to speak very early).

[Frukc]

you can read a book "the highly sensitive child" here
http://www.scribd.com/doc/60743155/The-Highly-Sensitive-Child

via this http://tknerr.de/ebooksearchr/home.html

[c4andy20]

Hmmm... You described my daughter exactly. I actually had to take her to see the doctor because her sensitivity was interfering with normal daily activities. She ended up being diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. I really didn't understand what that meant at first. I had to do a lot of research. It basically means she is much more sensitive to sound, sight, touch, and even other senses we don't generally think of like temperature and movement.

 I am really glad she got the diagnosis early because she qualified for occupational therapy and it really helped her. She is still sensitive but not as sensitive as she was. And I her therapist and I came up with a sensory diet(it has nothing to do with food, not sure why they call it a diet) that allows me to get her to the level of sensitivity that is appropriate for whatever activity we are doing.  An example would be, if my daughter is scared because they are doing construction by my house(loud noise can be extremely overwhelming to her), I can layer extra clothes on her and let her listen to soft music with my ipod with headphones on. Or I can rub this special brush they gave me up and down her arms and legs. Sometimes she will come up to me when she is feeling particularly sensitive and will ask me to do one of our calming activities.

It's not something she will ever grow out of, she will always be more sensitive than most people. But, at least now I am able to help her cope with it and she is able to live a more normal life even with her sensitivities.

[JainaRei]

Frukc I too believe that I was a HSC  (Just took quiz and ticked most boxes) and also learnt to hide my emotions, be silent about my needs etc from a very young age I believe it changed me from being extroverted to be introverted. It to led to depression, self harm and sucidal thoughts (I was also stuggling with health issues). My mother always said that I was sentistive especially as a child but I don't think she ever realised how sensitive I was. I have slowly learnt to overcome my depression with the help of a very loving husband who is understading when I have had enough of people and socializing.

I really wish I had known about HSP sooner though. I realised long ago that I cannot be in a group of more that a few people and still continue to add to the conversation. My mind is too busy trying to absorb all the information, i just listen to what everyone is saying. There is so much I pick up with out realising until I go back and reflect on the conversation later.

The other thing is since my pregnancy I have noticed that I have become more sensitive to things. Or perhaps I always was sensitive but my pregnanacy has made me more aware of it. Makes me wonder if LO is going to be a HSC.

[Frukc]

Makes me wonder if LO is going to be a HSC.

You never know. My second child is non-HSC, he is very active, very resistant to pain, insistent, interested in tractors etc.
and I do not understand him. I can not tune with him. he is like alien for me. of course, I try, and it comes better with time. But I am afraid that in the very beginning I was mentally rather far away from him.

[JainaRei]

Just by reading some of the material I've realised that in my family I'm surrounded by HSP. Some who have come to terms with it and others not. My Husband is highly sensitive also, but much better at validating himself and his needs. I think its good to discover things like this about ourselves before we become parents, I belive it will help me be a better parent whether or not my little one is highly sensitive. I for one would like to get stuck into some of the books.

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