very true, I hug my child very often for no reason or rhyme.
actually my 6 yr old nephew was also hugged and kissed a lot.but now i see that he refuses to stay alone in a room,neitherdoes  he like to be touched or patted now .we have a little face-off in that matter.is it natural for kids to behave that way,as they grow.

I would suspect something else is wrong in the case of your nephew. But in any case, just grab a child, play with him, read him a book or give a horse ride or anything he enjoys while in your lap and then give him hugs and talk to him about it. My oldest son was 17 when he decided that hugs from dad weren't cool. Another time I'll tell you about that, but my brother had the same problem with his son at about the same age. Neither my brother nor I gave up. We just kept hugging them and after only a little while they realized it WAS cool.

When my oldest son was in college a bunch of his buddies came over and were going skiing. I gave him a hug and a peck up along side his head and later he told me that one of his buddies said, "Gee! I would never do that with MY dad!" My son said, "If you had a dad like mine, you'd be glad to." I still walk around on my eye-lashes over that one.

Kids don't know what they need. Just hug'em! They need'em.

Sky~

Bible reading has always been a part of my daily Quiet Times. Lots and lots to learn from this ancient manuscript. Besides "all Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness..." 2 Tim 3:16

Yes, ZaJa, like you said, "all scripture is God-breathed," and this is why it comes with a guarantee. I remember making the discovery of the child raising points and knew immediately if God had inspired them that I could depend on them. Sure am glad I was able to take him at his word.

By the way, here's another one from Proverbs:

Proverbs 13:24 "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him."

Proverbs 23:13-14 "Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death."

Proverbs 29:15 "The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother."

All the best out there!

Sky~

Here are the second and third links to get it all.

2nd: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs%2011-20;&version=31;

3rd: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs%2021-31%20;&version=31;

Sky~

[beginning]

Thanks for sharing how you discipline your kids Skyrider and good it bore fruit. I wanted to check the book you mentioned and the author? Would like to read it too

I'll bet you would! It's a dandy. It was written in about the Tenth Century BC and originally in the Hebrew language. It was called Mashal which means something like a "parable," but everyone concedes that it contains many maxims and sayings that one could not call a parable. The most important things I could say about it is that it takes flat for granted that, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom."

The author was King Solomon over the United Tribes of Israel so it was written about three thousand years ago. You can obtain a copy in a collection of books commonly called the bible and read it in almost every language on the planet. I'll quote here these significant points:

"Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him. Do not add to his words, or he will rebuke you and prove you a liar."

This is why I mentioned that trial and error can cost one his whole family. These words are tested already and a shield of refuge to those who heed them.

Here's a couple of others:

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

"A foolish son brings grief to his father and bitterness to the one who bore him."

"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him."

Note the word "rod." I never use my hand on my kids. I caress and love them with my hand, but the rod is the instrument that drives out their foolishness. There are many more, and they are scattered throughout. Enjoy!

Come to think of it, a copy can be read online.   Here's the link for a start to read the first third of the whole book for free:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs%201-10;&version=31;

Best!

Sky~

Hi skyrider,

Thanks for your share!
We do not spank our kids. But except for this part, I am in full-support with your method.
We punish the child if he does not following our instructions - no snack, no fun time, no going to the park etc
Only when he does the correct thing, we quickly follow-up with a hug and a kiss to tell them that it's correct.

We are very disciplinary parents, and sometimes it seemed like we are tough on our kids for we seem to give them no 'lee-way'.
Maybe because both of mine are boys, which make it alittle difficult to discipline, as compared to girls.
My cousin-in-law had both girls and their 'soft approach' seem to work fine on them. Not for my boys though.

My boys will challenge our instructions and do otherwise, and try to see if it works.
Not just my 5 year old, even my toddler does that too.
So, it's a battle between parent and child but we never let them win.

But I think your method win hands-down, for you have successfully managed them without the need to lose your temper or even shout at them.
We lose our patience alot, and during the bad days, we end up shouting at them and have crying children in the house.
It makes us feel terrible afterwards.

My husband and I are doing lots of talking and we are trying to work cohesively together to ensure that when one is losing temper, the other will quickly intervene and bring the children away. This, I hope, will ensure that our instructions are followed through without losing our temper.

I encourage everyone trying it. It was hard for me at first too, but I had to do something. Then after the divorce I became a near addict on every child raising book and speaker there was. What I could tell about that would fill BrillKids servers full! None of it was with genuine experience. The method I used came with a "money back guarantee."

It will take some time, but suddenly one day you'll notice that the kid has just given you what you really want from your kids. A showing if real responsibility. Indirectly, you'll also sense his love and respect, although it may not be that visible. Eventually, even that will be visible. They're just trying to find themselves and really are interested in successful lives. We are the only ones that can give it to them, but it has to come from their own experiences (the earlier the better) that "crime does NOT pay." Period.

Then after the punishment, the talks have their total attention. One can make points "only talk" will never compute otherwise.

One more thing: Spanking gets rid of GUILT. Making them sit in a corner does not produce either remorse or regret. In fact, just the opposite. It's an opportunity to think about how they could have done it differently and not gotten caught. The mind is a fertile place for all the evil the world produces in individuals except where the opportunity is not there.

Foolishness really is bound up in the hearts of kids. Just think back to our days as kids and we cannot deny that. Only the rod of instruction will drive it FAR from us. The book I read didn't say that it "might or could drive it FAR from him," it declared it absolutely. It was absolutely correct.

Also taking away privileges should come WITH the spanking and not in place of it for all the reasons mentioned above. It provides opportunity to be angry instead of regretful and resolve to not do THAT again.

Lastly, the peace in the family cannot be overstated.

All the best!

Sky~

[rare]

I know my methods are not popular, but they really aren't mine. I can't take the credit for them except to say that they are time honored, tested and proven. Also, I'm well into my sixties where I've been able to weigh what worked and what didn't.

I always find it amusing to hear young people talk about discipline for their children when they're not aware of the same book I found and tested. Discipline does not mean spanking, but good discipline will fail without it. And guess who it will fail the most?

Did you guess "the parent?" Especially the mother! Well, it's her duty and if the kids don't get disciplined society will. They have all kinds of social registers including jails and prisons. In our society in India, they can get beat up.

The most glaring problem I see with all the methods which eliminate spanking has to do with bonding and trust. Lemme explain. When a mother (or dad) says, "No," and the child disobeys and the parent coaxes, wheedles and coddles to get the right behavior, what that child is actually learning is that mom's word must be tested. Parental authority does not know all it should to be commanding anything. It becomes a play thing the older they get. The worst message in the world when a child needs to know he's loved and sheltered is that when mom says something her word is NOT the supreme law. If it's not, then over time the child will come to distrust her. They will not share their deepest burdens and secrets with either mom or dad and they will have an entirely different, secret life just out of sight of mom and dad. Just think about it. Children are not in a position to "make deals." they haven't learned anything yet. Try that method and when children reach their teen years, the parent will have lost them ... (hate to say this: *) ... especially where western influences are either there or growing. Moral values slip into a void where everything is okay. But the child whose parent's word is the law and are taught to obey it become true lovers of their parents. I'd give some examples if this post weren't already too long. And where there are few hugs then all that parent will get is respect and shallow love. The child able to lean on a parent's words as law, who knows he is loved, is far more prepared to accept society's demands than the one who cannot. He's a winner because he KNOWS what is acceptable and what is not. His self confidence is amazing whether he's handsome or not or whether she's beautiful or not. Also interesting is to see the beauty that isn't just skin deep. Looks do not command until or unless that's all there is for others to choose. Take the child who has grown up with self confidence, who doesn't really know he's ugly in his face, and it won't matter. He will be the most popular because he KNOWS and everyone else is looking for that guy.

When I speak to my children I NEVER yell. I simply speak, and if they do not obey immediately and willingly they get a spanking. Sounds shocking to people, I know, but I got my advice from the oldest book in the world on child rearing and it works. But these children have learned that my word is not only law, but that they can trust it. They can trust me. This means I NEVER lie to my children OR ANYONE ELSE. (The society I live in presently teaches their children to lie by example more than any society I've ever lived in, although America is catching up fast. That's GOT to be changed if India is to become a world power.) By the time a child becomes a teenager there is nothing amusing about the scene of an argument between parent and child. There's no respect, and "love?" WHAT's that! It will have ceased to exist long, long ago.

Now, I DO allow my children to argue with me, but they do it on a basis that is full of love and respect. If they think my word is wrong, they say, "Dad, may I ask you a question?" Or, "May I say something?" Not too infrequently I agree with them and they get to do it their way which was the superior way, after all! I am not intimidated to accept it when their values are better judged than mine, because that's what kind of people I raised them to become. I am super PROUD of them. My nearly sixteen year old son will do this, and when his way is better than mine, I give him a great big hug and sometimes a kiss up along side his head. (I have told my kids that I promise to stop hugging them on their fiftieth birthday.   Interesting too, is that child rearing book I mentioned above gives example after example of exactly what I'm talking about. I admit I had to try it by faith to see that it works, but only one lost child made me a parent seeking truth because I really loved her and needed to find out what I did wrong and vowed never repeat it again. :-/  Too late, however, for my daughter, but I pray all the time too. Most of us never get a second chance. I'm sorry to say that's why I came to understand these things. Back to my very first line on this paragraph: When a parent follows this rule, it is actually the parent who becomes better disciplined with his rules. There is nothing so challenging than having to leave your work to go administer a paddling. But doing our duty as parents commands this kind of love if we want our kids to become the best they can become. I can give you this example: I told one of my daughters these methods worked on to go to her room because she was making noise that prevented a business conversation. She went, but not without tears. I had been too hard on her. She wanted to be there, to see things for herself. I felt miserable that I had given the wrong command. It should have been, "If you want to stay here with daddy, you must be quiet so I can speak with this man." She never got the chance in that case to obey that command. And there have been times when in public I had to remove a child to another place to privately administer the punishment which built the discipline I'm so proud to see today. Everyone admires it too!

Now, there are children of alllll types. Some you almost ONLY need to speak to and they will obey. What happens on that rare occasion when they miss the mark? That's where real love comes in and administers the paddle, letting them know how much they are loved only want the best for them and how it pains mom or dad to have to punish them. Disappointment will MOVE them into better human beings, because they did more naturally than the others want your approval. HOWEVER, (warning * warning -->) Without genuine, stinging pain they will not learn what they NEED to rely upon for the rest of their lives. They will only be embarrassed and angry at mom or dad! I don't want my youngsters growing up thinking for a minute that my word is less than the truth and the law because it will inbreed doubt and fear. For if they never get that message, after growing up, they will not be seeking the truth about much of anything which either drive or keep them in poverty and breeds a distrustful and dishonest society. Whole nations have this stamp of evidence all over them in my many cultural experiences. Children have to be taught the value of Truth and if it doesn't begin at home there will be hell to pay before they find out about truth ... IF THEY FIND OUT AT ALL.

*Sorry to pick on western culture, but I was born there and did that. I saw my entire generation forfeit their constitution and now they crack jokes over it. Recently both the Democratic and Republican Parties offered men who have the track records proving their loyalty and they wanted to restore the Constitution. Their voices could hardly be heard crying in a dessert of debt and non existent morals. The whole country's children are in a mess! None of them wants to be doctors, lawyers, nurses, engineers. They all want to be entertainers, sports figures, singers and actors. :-/ And I should know. I've lived long term on five continents and six islands of the world. Where western culture seeps in, there has always been a decline of moral and spiritual values. Western business men in just the past few years have perpetrated the two largest frauds in the history of mankind. American business has become just like the business here in India, except on a grander scale. The worst part of it all is that the law has become totally scoffed. There is no right and wrong anymore. There is only politics and wins by whoever is the most clever liar. Getting caught after the fact is not big deal as long as you won. :-( You never know when they're lying, you only know they are ALL lying, so you have to distrust everything they say, take your own time just to watch their backs when they're doing work, and never, never trust even your very best friends to the limit. I could say a lot more about that but it would just be a rant.

[PS: THE PREVIEW FEATURE HAS NEVER WORKED FOR ME.]

Hi, my child threw himself onto the ground again yesterday while we were at this furniture mall.

This time, I chose a spot (big enough) for him to lie there and kick around, while my elder boy and myself went to another corner that was like 2m away and waited there. It was a crowded mall, so his cries caught lotsa attention. Even the security there came over, thinking that he had lost his parents.

I signalled to the security to 'leave him alone'.

The miracle was, he seemed to get all embarrassed and his loud cries went turned into sobs. I signalled him to pick himself up and come over, and he did. It took less than 2 mins before the trauma was over.

I finally won over this battle!     

GOOD FOR YOU! I'm laughing at the scene you painted in my mind. Pretty funny.

What would you have done if he hadn't stayed where you put him!

How old is he?

I hope for your sake he won't do it again, testing you when it's not as good a spot.

For his sake, I hope he will just learn to obey. Life is soooo much more rewarding that way -- to say nothing of a reflection on the way we raised our kids.

All the best!

Sky~
PS: THE PREVIEW FEATURE HAS NEVER WORKED FOR ME.

Just looked at the link and was a little surprised with some of the comments on this site, particularly regarding teaching science and the use of flash cards to teach reading.

Did you read about Robinson's kids?

It's working for us in the jungles of India outside Bombay.

Sky~

Thanks for the link, Sky!

Looks like it's for primary grade and up, and not for the early years?

In any case, how is the Saxon method special?

Hi KL,

It's special in that it's all self taught. It's so easy to understand with their pictures and word combinations. Math was not one of my better subjects when I was a youngster, but mostly because my dad used the knuckle sandwich to try to get me to memorize 7 X 6. I absolutely couldn't remember it for fear of the knot on my head getting bigger. Anyway, my boys only needed to be able to read and off they went.

Robinson Curriculum suggests starting math with the 5/4 level. They have it for primary, but RC's argument is that it's unnecessary. Teach them to read and write and then the math will take care of itself.

Sky~

Hi Nicolet,

Thanks for the compliment of being a good dad. I WANT to be, so I work at it. My last two are both boys 15 and 14 years old already. They are very comfortable in my love for them and yet even as 100% boys they know they can talk to me about absolutely anything. And I trust them completely. It's been quite some time since either one of them got a spanking. But there is no other way so successful. I could write a book. 

Once upon a time, Santa Clause wandered into my garden and dropped his cookies on blue

Good point!

Something I've had good success with my children is this. I stomp into where ever they, look them RIGHT in the eye, and they will think I'm angry about something. I'll call one by name, put my hands on his shoulders and give him a good hug. I do this when they least expect it, maybe once every 6 months and they surely know I love them. In fact, it's been a while since I did it, I go do it right now and tell you what happened.

Hold on . . . .

That was quick, eh?

It didn't effect him as much as it did his brother. His brother said, "Man! I was scared." They both got hugs. :-) But I'm a hugger and the hugs aren't as special as they are reaffirming of the person they are. They KNOW I love them and am vitally interested in their lives, and the effect it has on them is to do whatever they can to make me proud of them.

Now, as for your other matter, if they have done something wrong I am a FIRM believer in the corporal punishment method. I've raised six kids, three of each, and I can tell you that the ones that didn't get it versus the ones who did is like day and night. I have had two families due to divorce. :-/ But the spankings should be just that, and they must sting like fire! Otherwise, you only make them angry with you! They have to feel remorse. Rarely should they leave a mark, but if they do, it's on the proper place of the buttocks and it will heal. It's just a bruise. I tell them before hand how many smacks and warn them that if they put their hands in the way, that one will not count, and if they move out of the way, we'll have to start over. Teaches them a lot of endurance and self control. NEVER use the hand you love them with. Use a rod.

Lying receives the most blows - ten of them. Lying is not tolerated at all. Stealing the same thing. But in my case, I can only remember one of them getting it for stealing. He had connected the cable up when I told the company to disconnect it. It was wasting our time and the programming itself was intolerable. So, when I caught them all watching it one day, one got a spanking for hiding the lie, and the other got it for lying and stealing the cable service.

I hold them until their crying is over. They know how much they are loved, but the behavior is NOT to be tolerated at all. We talk about it too, but "talk is cheap." It will NOT raise very proper children, and sad to say, I have that proof in the bag :-(  times two.  Everyone will tell you that my last kids were better than my first, and the difference is remarkable both in terms of what kind of people they turned out to be (and are turning out to be), and the respect and love between us. It's lasting.

Sky~

If you're not intimidated with the idea of your child becoming smarter than you are, I would like to recommend the Saxon math books. http://saxonpublishers.harcourtachieve.com/

Saxon will NOT admit that their books are for self-teaching because they wouldn't sell a one in the public school systems if teachers were not required. In fact, this has caused a bit of a problem for the Saxon company. BUT there are no better books for your child to learn from. The evidence is all over the Internet, though you have to search for it. It can be found best by searching for Robinson Curriculum which employs Saxon in their home schooling curriculum. And that's another link you should have too: http://robinsoncurriculum.com/  In fact, this last link is where you'll get the real truth about the Saxon math. I cannot recommend it too highly. I use it for my boys and honestly, they love it!

Sky~

Hey all

I would like to ask you guys .If exposure is good for a child.
or in should keep check on what is been communicated to child and
how he/she s taking them.Like watching TV .Like he always celebrates a cartoon channel over news channel.
In todays scenario when cartoons are depicting voilance ,anger hatered and many bad things.Parents should always be cautious.
Not only TV , infact family resistances and many more social places
we should keep a close watch.

Cheers
Seema Shokeen

Right Seema!

Feed them violence, anger, hatred and many bad things is like planting those seeds. One shouldn't be surprised that's what will come up. We reap what we sow.

Sky~

I totally agree with u that hugging and kissing is important to make them secure.But it's very difficult to judge difference between hugging and pampering.If u hug and love for more time than children take that they are being pampered.So while teaching or if they give correct answer to ur questions than at that time u should hug them and love them so that it will help them 2 learn faster.But u should not hug them for more than few seconds while teaching.Because they will get pamper than .

Sapna

Hi Sapna,

Hugs will NEVER spoil or pamper a child. Pampering and spoiling them will.