Could damage be done when we fight?

[koukla]

Today my sister-in-law slapped me in the face. I wasn't happy about her dog who knocked my daughter to the ground really hard, it would have been worse if my mother-in-law wasn't behind my daughter to stop her from hitting her head on the pavement. I generally have no problems with them (dog and daughter) however he is not trained and is jumpy and weighs a lot more than my daughter so all I ask of them is to not let the dog jump on her and to strongly supervise her (regardless if there is a dog around or not). I know my story is very long and sorry for that but I'm at my wit ends and very stressed.

So I picked up my daughter and told my partner we were leaving however at this point I was not angry, I just wanted to leave anyway. She comes follows me inside and starts yelling at me. I was in COMPLETE shock. HER dog injured MY daughter and I was getting yelled at? I thought it was crazy so then I did get angry. I told her to stop talking to me and to pretty much be quiet because I was angry that she was angry about me being angry with her dog and I thought that was wrong - I had a right to be angry but It's not the dogs fault he isn't well trained, it's hers. That's when she slapped me in the face even when my daughter was in my arms. She told me she won't stop *talking* to me until I apologise for telling her to be quiet and to show some respect.

This is an on-going battle between me and this sister-in-law. She has my partner wrapped around his little finger, he is afraid of her and I have a feeling she is not to fond of my daughter, so I avoid places where she is going to be and I probably see her once a month perhaps. What makes me think she isn't fond of her is because everytime people talk about my daughter to her, she tries to avoid the conversation being taken off of her when she speaks and doesn't respond. I guess you can say she pretends she doesn't hear even if you are screaming in her ear, she doesn't like talking/hearing about my daughter very much. I don't know if it's even possible for a grown woman to be jealous of a baby but anything is possible.

Everyday I wonder how my daughter will be and if she will be affected by what she sees and what she hears and being treated like a disease by this Aunty (she seems to be a little OCD). I don't care that she doesn't like me but when we fight my partner takes sides with her, he is soo afraid of her. It makes me feel less about him knowing that he doesn't care about what really happened and prefers to argue against me to keep her happy and off his back. I don't want my daughter being around people like this, regardless if it is family. Then the younger sister will join in (I see her reguarly) and make comments about me to each other in their language and one day my daughter will understand the bad things they say about me and knowing it's all over my daughter.

I don't fight with my partner over her often, thankfully and as soon as we leave the scene, everything is back to normal, I understand he wants to keep peace however I feel deeply hurt that he takes sides instead of trying to calm it down. I don't expect him to choose sides but I expect him to put our child first before worrying about his manipulative sister. 3 years have passed and she still doesn't like me and vice versa, it shows that things won't stop. I really am at my wit-ends and stressing about how this might affect my daughter. I know she doesn't understand but the tone used scares her. I want nothing to do with this sister-in-law anymore.

Is this going to be bad for my daughter to experience? I know it's easier said than done but eventually I will see her again and knowing that she slapped me in the face, I won't even be able to sit in the same room as her without a further fight and my daughter never leaves my side. I feel so bad as a mother that I allow this to even happen around my daughter. I hate fighting around her, it makes her cry. Does anyone have any reassuring advice that these fights won't affect her? Thanks for reading my long story.

[reei]

conflict is fine,, but violence is not. what did your partner do when she slaps you? just stand aside and watch? i dont know the situation very well, but if my partner did nothing, I would have called the police. In Hong Kong, I can report it as domestic violence.
I feel that is a very bad influence on young kids,, when there is disagreement, someone said something you don't like, just slap her face..
Stay away from her, she is bad for kids. Sorry to hear about that, this too shall pass..

[koukla]

I didn't think conflict was a problem as long as you do it calmly and rationally however it's never the case with this sister-in-law. My daughter hears a distorted version of how respect should be towards people and is being shown that in order to get respect, you slap them in the face - I agree with what you say.
My partner didn't do anything, he is afraid of her. I guess you can say that she likes to manipulate people and emotionally drag them down in order for herself to get what she wants and I'm guessing that is how she was towards him growing up because I see how she is with him all the time - do this do that, why are you doing things like this with her? so on.
He started yelling at me for yelling at her to leave me alone, I know he does that because he would rather argue with me then go against her because it only takes me a few minutes to calm me down, she never stops.
As soon as we left, he was fine with me.
I have a feeling she doesn't like me because I'm the only person to not be afraid of standing up to her. My partner is not as much pulled by the strings by her since he has met me and she sees that but it's not good for my daughter to see all the fights are over her. I really hope my daughter doesn't turn around and slap me one day by copying her poor examples of ''respect''. Thanks for your reply, I will try not to stress.

[Kimba15]

It is not okay under any circumstance for your sister-in-law to hit you.  :mad. You are an extremely good woman though to be as understanding as you are of your partner and it seems that he has been well and truly trained by his sister since a young age and it is going to take many years for that mess to be undone.

The situation you are in is unfortunately an unhealthy one not only for you but for your daughter as well. What might be best is to explain to your partner that while you understand that he loves his family and you don't want to come between him and his sister that he is still welcome to see her but you and your daughter for the time being will now be ceasing seeing her as it has become unbearable for you and you don't want to expose your child (but say our child) to person who is not reasonable. I would also ring your Mother in law and tell her that she is welcome to come and see your daughter as often as she likes and you don't want to cut her out of her life but you don't want anything to do with the sister for some time.

I understand what a horrible situation your in. Im in a situation that is similar (without the violence) with my own inlaws and there is not enough pages on the internet to tell you how much their behaviour drives me nuts.

I even spoke to a psychologist about the situation im in and she agreed that it was extremely unhealthy and has suggested that I reduce but not shut out completely the amount of time they spend with her to possibly reduce any learned behaviour. They have big issues with boundries they have two daughters living at home who are 27 and 30 with possible mental health issues. (Neither of the two children work). and the list goes on and on. I finish work in 5 weeks so in 5 weeks my child is back to being mine again. I have also spoken to my husband about the amount of stress it causes me having them look after my dd, but like your hubby he does not see an issue as he grew up with that and unfortunatley its 'normal' to him. but that is fine by me he is starting to see things from my point of view even if it is slow.

Keep working on your hubby and if you have to stop seeing your SIL for awhile then do so. Just because it is family does not mean it is the best place for your child to be.

[firechild]

The best is to stay away from your sil. You have every right to be angry, it is great that you are caring for your baby so well.
Don't let anyone ever treat you like that again.
As for baby, it is not good for them to be in violent situations, you can however be assured that you have lots of time to help baby forget about what happened.

[koukla]

@ Kimba15 I couldn’t agree more. When it’s something you are raised around 24/7 as a child, that is when it takes a long time to change bad habits and some aren't lucky to even realise their behaviour until it’s too late. No matter what names this woman has called me up until this incident, I still respected her and was nice to her even though she called me a b****, a s***, and told my partner to dump me when I was pregnant as I was ‘’trying ‘’ to trap him. I've never done anything to disrespect her, it's always been her.

I am not a forgiving person, I must admit i’ll probably take it to my grave and I don’t care how much she demands an apology from me, she will never get one. My mum says to cut all ties with her because if I keep seeing her, we’ll keep disagreeing and she’ll just hit me again everytime she doesn't get her way. I couldn't care less if she never sees her niece again, what kind of Aunty is she anyway? A bad one! My daughter doesn't need that but I don't want her growing up to be treated like a doormat either, like how her father is, I hope she will learn to defend herself without the need of violence.

I’m sorry to hear about your situation too, it is even harder when mental health issues are present. I know of many people who have problems with in-laws. It is a shame people get pleasure out of seeing other people’s misery even if it's their own family they are hurting. It’s harder for men to handle because they are not very expressive and they are the peace keepers. My partner puts up with all her nonesense, I hate seeing him not defend himeself because it makes her feel even more powerful and a reason to keep going on behaving that way.

@ firechild thanks, I hope she learns to grow up before my daughter starts imitating other people's actions. I know she won't remember this incident but im sure it wont be the last from my sister-in-law especially since I refuse to change my need to be protective of my daughter around untrained dogs, even the two legged kind. Thanks for your replies, i'm 50% less stressed as I was yesterday

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