How to Handle Emotional Trauma from a Burglary

[bella]

I know i need to be strong for my kids but i cannot just put a smile on my face and pretend nothing happened . i feel violated , unsafe in my own home . It happened on Sunday , we took kids out for a walk on the beach and when we were back we found out doors open , they broke in to our house and stole valuable sentimental stuff gifts kids got at birth and baptism , my wedding ring and some other jeweleries  , money we were putting aside for my specialneed daughter yearly medical trip .
we come in and the living room was like a war zone , big mess . we were shocked kids start crying . my little one woke up several times at night saying i hear noises they came back , my little boy slept squeezing me . my innocent boy said afterward mama thank god they didn't take my chocolate calendar . they talk about what happened all the time making jokes , we'll buy i new safe but this time we hide it in this place so when the thief comes back he cannot find it . I told them he won't come back , my son said only when we go to the beach   I feel so defeated , vulnerable , angry , lost confidence , we were burgled at 5 pm in day light ,burglars must have been waiting for us to leave the house so they came in . I cannot imagine how evil  a person can be who sees us coming out of our house to the car carrying our quadriplegic daughter in our arms , we are average family , simple house , no sign of richness , struggling to make ends meet . The money they took was for my hurt child , how could they do that to my daughter , to my family . my husband is amazing i know he is hurt but is not showing it , keeps hugging me and asking me to be strong , reminding me to thank God that we are well and unharmed . i know specially when i think of the elementary school kids tragedy and the empty homes on Christmas . i want to be able to hug my kids and thank god we are safe , but i cannot , i cannot eat , i have been loading myself with caffeine to keep going for the last 2 days , rewinding what happened and thinking how could have avoided it ,  wondering if we can still enjoy  a walk on the beach without worrying and thinking about what happened . i think I am going through a depression and i don't know how to help myself . today i hid in the bathroom just to be on my own , my six years old found me and gave me hugs than started stretching my lips to make me smile . i felt awful , i should be the one taking care of them . i didn't like that i looked so miserable in front of her . They are in bed now and his is my first time on the computer after the incident . I want to close my eyes and forget about what happened and carry on my plans of a special week of cooky baking craft making for christmas , finishing gift wrapping , christmas dinner shopping and cooking ... They stole all this from em . At this moment i don't feel like doing anything .
yes i know you might want to slap me on the face and tell me to put myself together for my kids , i know i should do that but i cannot , i wish i know how .
Anybody had similar experience and felt this way ?? how did you deal with your feelings ?? did they last long ?? when did you feel safe again ??
viv

[Tamsyn]

Oh Viv, I am so sorry!  I wish I could give you a hug.  I don't really have any advice for you, but we will be sending some prayers your way.  I am very grateful that no one was hurt.


What a bunch of dirty rotten creeps there are out there.      

[Tamsyn]

PS, make sure you notify your bank account and credit card companies.  One of the big things people try to steal is your identity, so it would be wise to put a block on your credit.   

[Kerileanne99]

How absolutely dreadful VIv    
I can't even imagine how horribly violated you must feel...
I am Sooooooo glad everyone is physically okay and sending many virtual hugs! Of course, you can't just 'get over it!' They have taken so much more from you than some material possessions.

I sincerely hope that the coming days bring you more peace and love...please let us know if there is anything we can do to help.
In the meantime, huge hugs and well wishes to you and your family....

[Lappy]

That's such unfortunate news Viv - like the others, I'm happy to hear that you and your family are safe and unharmed (after all, that's the most important thing!)

Our family house was burgled once. This was way back in the 90s, and I remember being in my teens when it happened (giveaway to my age, haha!) We lived in a secure part of the suburb, so it was quite alarming for us - they took valuables such as jewelry, money, TV and they even took my bike (apparently these guys had a van to put everything in.)

It took a while to get over it, but my parents did everything they could to cooperate with the police to catch whoever did it. We took measures to secure our house more - bigger locks, remembering to lock everything (including the gates) whenever we were going out and at night before we all slept.

We lost quite a bit that day which was sad, but I do remember trying to cheer up my baby sister (who was almost 3 years old then) to say that we will still be safe as long as we have each other. Us kids slept together in one room for a bit after that so there was a feeling of comfort there. I knew my parents were also upset about it, but we talked the whole thing through together as a family and we were very open about our feelings through the experience, and I think that helps a lot.

It's okay to feel defeated and unsafe, especially when something like that happens to you and your family - but try not to allow what happened to consume your waking hours and make you feel sad all the time. This might be a great opportunity to bolster up your defenses against stuff like this that may happen, and you can do this with as much happiness knowing you are doing everything you can to make you and your family safer in the future.

You're right, many times life will throw us a curve ball and it'll be all but impossible to catch. The important thing to know is that you're never alone in these things, and there's always something that you can do to try to lessen the probability of stuff like this happening in the future. Sometimes a crisis like this may even help your family become closer than you've ever been before, and your kids may also surprise you (as your little one did when she was trying to make you smile) when you find out that they can be strong for you, too.

But don't beat yourself up for looking miserable or sad if that's what you're feeling at the moment - all those emotions are valid, and they need to be expressed. Just know and understand that there are so many people who love you: your little kids and your husband who is being very strong for you at the moment are there, and there are thousands of us here who are wishing you all well!

*hugs*

[Mandabplus3]

Oh Viv, sweetie I want to fly over right now! ( if I could find those bottom feeding subspecies that did it to you I would give them a flying side kick to the head!  ) I want to give you a big hug and watch over your lovely family while you have a sleep, hold your hands while you cry your tears and laugh with your children so you don't feel pressure to laugh today if you don't feel like it. Sigh. Gambia is a world away
Your feelings are quite valid, don't ignore them. Your children understand that sometimes mummy is sad too. Have a cry together if you need to. Tell them how you feel and why. Talk about how you are so very grateful you are all safe and that family is what is most important over possessions.
Your kids will probably be scared for a while. But don't assume that just because they are still talking about it that they are still concerned. Kids often talk about things we would rather they forgot. Even weeks after the event they will still mention it. It is an emotionally charged experience for them, it is burned into their memory because of the emotions involved.
The one time someone tried to robbus we actually cought them in the act. Lucky us they were the dumbest crooks around and unhitched out trailer ( very full, very, very heavy!) Parked at the top of a steep hill. we woke to the mighty bang as it crashed into the fence, we couldn't stopp laughing the next morning when we saw the hand prints on the back! They actually tried to stop it from rolling backwards down the hill!    Lucky they wernt sandwiched under it! We were extra vigilant with the locks for ever after that until we moved. The house didn't feel safe for many weeks. I always felt like I would go out and come home to a mess and stolen goods. The feelings do subside in time. It just takes time.
Is there anything we can do to help? Anything that needs replacing? Do you still have all your teaching supplies for your kids schooling? Please let us know if we can help. 
Sending you masses of virtual hugs! OOOOOOOOOO and some loving kisses XXXXXXXXX for your kiddies.

[Mela Bala]

Viv
My heart goes out to you and your family. I will pray that you can find the strength you are searching for.  You have a wonderful and strong family where you can get strength from each other.  There is nothing anyone can do to 'make this all better' but trust in time you will start to smile and even relax again.  I am pretty sure that those horrible criminals will never set foot back into your neighborhood in fear of being recognized so you don't have to worry about them coming back.  I know this is hard especially being around the holidays but don't let those robbers rob you of wonderful memories you can still have. 

Have the police directed you to any support groups where you can meet with others?  That way you can learn about the different stages of healing from this so you can be in control.  Don't let those criminals take anything else from you.  Soon you will realize you have become stronger by getting through this.

Please PM me your address with the ages and gender of your children I would love to send you some Christmas presents. 

[Skylark]

Dearest Viv,

My heart goes out to you, it is such a horrible thing and makes you feel insecure and second guessing everything for a while afterwards. I wish I can give you a hug and just be there for you to talk and to support, to play with your kids and to let them know that everything will be all right...

It is so important you found the courage to share what happened with us here. I found that being able to talk about it, not only opens the doors for some great advise and encouragement from others ( thank you, ladies for sharing your hearts here, I am so thankful for our community), but also a fantastic soul therapy. So please do not feel bad if you need to share your emotions and just talk about how you feel, all those feelings are so valid and it helps to have them out in order to collect your thoughts and overcome the hurt from what happened. No one is strong enough to not be affected by a blow like that.

I know how you feel. Just over 8 weeks ago, my family lost most of our valuables to the robbery. It did not happen at our house, and thank God none of us got hurt. I would spare you of details, but I could not comprehend how someone can pre-meditate and plan the robbery, when they see a family with two very young children and mommy about to give a birth. I also cant comprehend how they did it for you, seeing you carrying your needy child!.... We were actually on our way to pay for our midwife services, as I was about to go in labor any day. And the last (largest) sum ( our insurance does not cover midwifery care and birth) was due that day, 2 weeks before my due date. That day we lost not just all the valuables we had, the whole payment for our upcoming birth, our passports, but also my husband's photo/video equipment, hard drive and computer (my husband is free lance photographer).

It was difficult enough to deal with something I have never dealt before, -- losing things that carried sentimental value, all the photos of my pregnancy, many many photos of our children, records of our second baby's birth  but following it we had to cancel our midwifery care just 2 weeks before my due date and cancel my husband's photo engagements -- indefinitely, as we had no possibilities to follow through with them with all of his equipment stolen.

The consequences of that what was difficult to deal with as well. I had to switch to hospital based midwife, which was partly covered by insurance, I had to go with procedures that caused complications after the birth because of that, and we were away from our two other children ( 2 and 3 years old) in a hospital for over a week, first time in their life.... I lost an extreme amount of blood, and almost died, because of the very practises that we were trying to avoid by having special midwifery care, which we could not go through with after the payment got stolen. It is also our first baby without a single photo of his birth or afterwards ( we took a few photos by borrowing a camera 2 weeks later)

 Because my husband had to cancel engagements,  it also meant that we had very limited income, during the birth of our baby and immediately afterwards. Being pregnant and going into labor in the midst of it all, I was on emotional roller coaster to say the least. Trying to keep it together for the sake of our children, but having a real real hard time.

What helped me through is taking time to talk about it, with my husband and with my best friend, we talked, prayed, they listened and did not try to give me answers and solutions ( we did not have too many easy fix solutions it seemed anyways), they just validated my feelings and were there as a support. I know it was tough for my husband as well, and I know both him and I are still struggling with it.

 Things like this affect children. We spent time telling them, how the most important thing is that we have each other, and we are happy together and other things come and go, and in some ways it is helping us to get closer as a family, even though we are not out of the forest yet as far as dealing with losses.

I was also spending time with the kids telling them bedtime stories, which in some way would address their fears in a story form, "about other boys and girls" and put things in perspective, that way it was not directly addressing them, but rather helping them to deal with different issues... It has been effective

One sweet thing that happened. My little girl saw the pile of presents and things at our neighbors when she was visiting their kids few days ago. She came to me and said, "Mommy, we have the best Christmas present this year, our new baby (he is just a few weeks old  ) and our big family!", she was not trying to say something nice to just not feel bad, she was truly truly excited about that thought. I keep on thinking about it -- our children at times see things in such a different light and teach us lessons....

Viv, let us know if you need anything. And if you need to talk, let me know, I will call you!

[bella]

Thank you so much skylark ,mela bela , lappy , manda ,keri , Tamsyn for writing back .
I would have gone crazy trying to deal with it on my own . My brother is a private person , he did sympathize with me after he read my post on my facebook page but criticized me for sharing it with others   being able to talk about it unfortunalty more online in my situation than with people around me had helped me a lot .
The first few days were really hard . It was a very tough week trying to process all what happened and accept it and move on ,  i couldn;t eat , i couldn;t allow myself to cry in front of the kids , i couldn;t sleep ,i loaded myself with coffee to keep going ,   i was full of anger and hatred for the strangers who hurt my family and violated our home .
Then i read all your replies.I am so sorry Skylark for what happened to you , i cried reading your post and wished i could be there with you when all that happened . Thank you so much for sharing with me , i cannot tell you how helpful your post was to put myself together .You made me stop crying and instead pray for both my family and yours ((..hugs...))
 I also received a wonderful email from another friend on montessori group i belong to that helped me how to approach the kids and discussed what happened with them . i like to ask her permission and share it here with all of you .
in all what happened my husband was amazingly supportive .   for him , the kids , the grandma , and the family who always spent christmas eve with us , i focused on Christmas and kept myself busy cooking which helped  forget all the stress and sadness of last week robbery and just enjoy the moment with our loved ones .
Kids still got presents from us .Lucky for them , in our situation present buying is planned always ahead looking for cheap online deal , educational material i order from UK  through friends working in a shipping company and i try to buy what they need for the whole year on christmas and their birthdays .
I save for it all year long so when shipment arrive , i open the safe and pay my bill . Unfortunately not this year we lost the money  .
 I am grateful that our friends understood the situation and are willing to be patient with us so we can pay slowly .
the next few days were full of excitement with kids using their new stuff ,... I was ok till 2 days ago when we got out of the house for a small drive for the first time after the robbery  .Coming back , we usually park the car, i stay with isa on my lap waiting for mike to go in open the house and come take Isa . This is when he , we found out we were robbed 2 weeks ago . the waiting yesterday was so hard , all the feelings of that sunday afternoon came back , i kept rewinding the events in my mind over and over again and felt so numb , hurt again .And yesterday exactly 2 weeks after , kids asked to go to the beach , like that afternoon when it happened  . I just couldn't go . i made my poor isa sad by deciding mike would take the young ones and i stay home with isa because I am tired . The truth is i was scared to leave the house
One other thing disturbing after what happened , i put on some weight the last 2 years and it is all related to stress , i never had problem with weight before , and i never needed to diet . I recently was determined to pull myself together try to detox , exercise and live healthier .I managed to stop coffee and was proud of myself , started exercising , ...
 The last two weeks I am doing the opposite , like punishing myself and my body , I cannot stop eating   and i don't feel good , I am too tired , don't feel like playing with kids . You know you are doing something wrong , you just cannot stop yourself from doing it
ok lots of issues crammed in this post . I am writing at 4 am after my 4 years old woke me up 3 times crying he is not able to sleep at night unless lying against me in bed and if i move away he wakes up crying mama i am scared i want you
thank you so much for reading so far , i will go back to bed and try to sleep a bit .

what are your plans for this evening ?? do you do anything special on new year ?? our friends organized  a special new year eve back in time party with everybody dressed up . I was very excited for us and the kids to join , but after what happened i had no chance to prepare our costumes and not sure i would want to spend money to join  , so we'll be home .
I pray that 2013 will be a good year fro all of us brings us peace of mind , joy and good health .
I feel blessed  to be part of such wonderful group and be able to share . I am thankful for good friends like you .
sending you all love and blessings
xxx
viv

[bella]

It is morning in our side of the world , I got on my computer ,reread my last and  realized it is all full of sad   and it is not right way to start a new year .
so instead I am writing back to wish you all with a big smile     Happy Christmas  & a wonderful , successful, joyful  new year .

[bella]

more photos

[Skylark]

Viv, beautiful beautiful photos!!! Happy New year to you and yours, you have such a wonderful family!   

[Krista G]

Hello Vivian,

I love the pictures you posted.  They are so full of joy and spirit.  I am sending you hugs and prayers from all the way over here.  I am so sorry about your loss and your violation.  I know exactly how you feel.  Three and a half years ago, on my daughter's birthday, we were robbed in the middle of the afternoon.  We had just moved and lived in the house for one day.  We went for a ride at noon and upon coming back at 3 PM the kids found the door unlocked, the laptops gone and everything else we used to run our business.  Our video camera that we used to make our videos.  It is devastating.  We had been working on our MemoFlix project for months at that point.  I thought they got all of our wok, but praise GOD! my husband stayed up late the night before and backed up our computers, so they didn't get our hard work.  We had no insurance, so we were in a really terrible place.

I always find comfort in situations like these from the Bible.  Vengeance is mine, saith the LORD.  Don't let these robbers steal your joy.  It is such a violation, but be strong knowing that the God of the Universe will deliver justice.  That should make you feel sorry for the creeps that did this to you and your family.  I pray that the LORD blesses you above and beyond what they took from you.  We were able to move within the week into a gated neighborhood so we would feel more secure.  I pray that you are abundantly blessed with the peace that passes understanding, good health and a prosperous new year.

On a side note, after knowing you all this time it was a delight to see pictures of your family.  God bless you all!

Love, hugs, and prayers,
Krista

[Mandabplus3]

Beautiful pictures Viv! I can't believe how much your girls look alike now!
 I am sorry I wasn't available to Skype you on New Years. Seems you needed a friend. I am home this week I will catch up sometime! Stay strong, no cookies at the computer! 

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