I am just thinking out loud

[jane_dmitrova]

Recently I keep thinking about one thing, the thing is that I am setting high standard for my son but am I meeting these standards myself? I mean we expect a lot from our kids (I am talking not only about results but also about their constant interest and willingness to do what we do or plan to do with them in terms of education/early learning). But could it be that in this way I am releasing myself from the burden to achieve what I want (my dream)? Because there are many excuses not to do it, but in some way or another it is to push a kid to achieve what you want but did not dare to do? I am just a bit afraid that one day my son would question me that I taught him that everything is possible, try until you can and so on but why I did not do the same? Would not really know what to answer. So he could feel betrayed in some way. So the question – should we also be an example for our kids? Or these two things stand apart from each other? and I am just tired and need vacation

[Tamsyn]

I've had that thought too.  I suppose that ultimately, my dream and goal for myself RIGHT NOW is to be a professional mother.  By helping my children achieve their potential, I am also achieving something great for myself.   Helping them discover and reach for the next step also stretches me.  I really doubt that my kids would look at my life and say "Wow, for all she made us do, she really flopped herself."  Instead I expect something more like "Wow, our mom made great sacrifices to give us the best education possible.  She wanted us to stand on her shoulders."  And when we are dead, they will fondly tell their grandchildren about us.  Parenting is as noble a calling as anything the world has to offer.

But I also have some of my own personal goals.  And they do take the back seat sometimes.  That just means that I'm giving priority to service to my children.  That's okay.  There will be plenty of time for us to develop ourselves and achieve personal goals again after the kids move out.  Every thing in it's proper time.

[Mandabplus3]

My children are a little older (9,7,5) but we actually discuss it when I drop the ball. If I loose my temper or display bad manners that I don't want them to do I will often let them know I didn't act in the best way and I hope that they learn from my mistakes as much as their own.
We discuss goals for each family member to strive towards. I tell them today my goal is to clear out all the dirty washing and teach my class something very exciting. They then tell me what they are planning to achieve and I might add something if I think they need stretching. We have BIG goals ( the block of land we want we drive past every day and talk about how beautiful it is and what our new house will look like on it) to strive towards. Wee talk about striving towards goals as a way to achieve anything we want in life. The kids know we have to earn our block of land and can't just move in with no effort, so I believe they get a good grounding in it all.
You are an example to your kids whether you like it or not. You need to show them the best example you can. Take small steps towards you own goals in ways they can see. Discuss simple ideas,plans, and goals with your children ( I will clean the toilet today, I might be busy but I will get it done!) so they can see you setting a good example from a young age.
None of us are perfect. The best we can do is be honest and open and our children are far less likely to question us later.

[justbeinmommy]

I kept having those thoughts too. That was why I had to go back to school. I believe my daughter( or children in general) always look up to their parents. Setting high expectations for them and you as a parent failing to reach your goals will not be a good example. I want my child to say I want to be like my mother. However finding a balance between being a good parent and achieving your dreams is very hard but I want my child to know that it is possible.

[Wolfwind]

Like Tamsyn, my  major goal right now is to be an EL mother.  I love teaching, I love my kids, and I want to spend my energy and passion on teaching my kids.  That is my main goal.  But of course I have others, and I'm working on some of them right now too.  I want to help other parents with parenting skills and teaching their kids, and I'm trying to figure out how to do that.  I have goals for my spiritual development that I'm working on.  I'm trying to reduce our consumption and waste.  And my kids definitely see and hear me talking about and working on these things.

But it's also true that I love neuroscience and applied animal behavior, and those are taking a back seat right now.  When my kids are a little older and more self-sufficient, I will pursue that, but right now is just not the time for that particular goal.  I don't think it's a problem to show kids that you have to prioritize your goals and that sometimes the order changes based on circumstances.  When I have a new baby and don't get a full night's sleep, my only goals are keeping my kids fed and active and not snapping at them, because I don't do well with little sleep.  And I want my kids to understand that I'm not a failure at that time because my other goals are getting worked on right then.  I have so many things I want to do with my life, and I have a lot of years to do it in.  Right now is the only time I have to do EL with my own children, so that has to be number one.

It's different for each person, I'm sure.  I am not good at running from thing to thing.  I can't be as busy as my sister-in-law, and she would go crazy being as un-busy as me.  So her kids will see her achieving more goals than I will, and I'm OK with that.  If someone has time and energy to pursue another goal and doesn't because of fear, making excuses, I can see that being a bad example for kids.  But honestly prioritizing and not having time for everything right now is different, I think.

I make sure that my kids see that I have goals and work to achieve them.  And I make sure that they see me learning - my library has a great selection of college lectures recorded on CD, and I'm always listening to one on long drives or when I'm cleaning, and discussing them at the dinner table.  I may even do enough classes through open university courses to be the equivalent of another degree.  But I don't worry that they don't see me getting a master's degree or pursuing my dream career right now; there will be time for that later.  Right now I'm an EL mom, and that's enough for me.

[jane_dmitrova]

Thank you very much for all replies!! You helped me to make my mind.
Have a nice weekend everybody!

[PokerDad]

I learned a long time ago that merely having some goals goes a long way towards having your "own life" - they could be shared, small, large, obscure, etc - but have at least something that the family knows you're striving for. This alone will give the semblance of having your own interests.

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