My first challenge as a housemum

[Oana86]

Dear all,

I'm in a very weird situation and don't feel well at all.....but am not sure how I should act or what I should say about it.

My mum (my mum...not my mother-in-law) is visiting us from abroad (for a week or so)...and among other I've told her that I'm planning to become (already am) a permanent stay at home mum (at least for a good couple of years) so that I can take good care of my daughter. From my perspective, I think it's a wonderful thing to be able to look after my LO....and be her first teacher.....but her reaction was completely different and she was so dissapointed (she mentioned that 'she dreamt of something else for me') and I did see her face when I told her.

Now this dreaming thing goes on ever since I was a child....me making my own decisions, and her dreaming on her own about things that I didn't really like. I'm not sure if this is because I was a single child...or because it's a natural thing for mothers....but somehow I was always under pressure and had to raise to expectations....even though I literary did not like studying particular things, I ended up taking them as such because SHE WANTED (things that later in life I didn't neccessarily find useful). Another thing she would do was to hide from people (more like not to mention) my B grades for instance....simply because (I think) in her mind it was a perfectly normal thing to be a straight A student.

All these things really really really annoyed me while I was a child/teenager/student and I always said to myself that I won't ever put my children under the same 'pressure'.....but now that she's here...and she makes judgements about me staying at home...and about my daughter already going to University (she's only 3 months old now) for a particular subject....I find it even more annoying....it's like she's almost making choices for her.

She is and was a great mother...and I do love her to bits....but I totally disagree of her attitude regarding this side of education....and am not sure how to go around it and how to tell her that I DON'T WANT HER TO GET INVOLVED AT ALL IN MY CHILD'S EDUCATION.

Any advice would be highly highly appreciated.

[Kimba15]

How about writing her a really nice letter and explaining how you feel and asking her politly to butt out.

You could word it like this..

Dear Mum,

I know that you are disappointed by my choice to be a stay-at-home mum for the time being. I understand that now I am a mother myself that you have big dreams for your own children and I am sure you dreamt of a big career in (................) field. I understand that being a SAHM does not fit that dream and that you are concerned for my future in the job market, as the longer I am at home the harder it gets to have the career. I also am aware that motherhood, at least in our society is not a respected choice as a profession.

I also want you to understand that I think you have done a great job in raising me. I am a strong, independent young woman who can make good choices in my life and you can depend that I will succeed at anything I put my mind to. I want you to know that you have succeeded in being a great Mum in the fact that you know I can survive on my own and make great decisions as an adult even if you don't agree with them.

I know you want the best for your granddaughter as well, I know you love her as much as I do, but I would really appreciate it if you could trust my husband and I to make her education choices. University is a lifetime away and although the time with her will go quick, my husband and I have decided that we will make decisions as the time comes. I know myself as a mother I truly want the best for her, so do you all I ask is that you allow me to make her education choices for her and trust that I am making the right one. Even if you think its wrong.

Mum, I want you to know that I really love you and I want you to have a wonderful relationship with your grand-daughter, all I am asking is that you leave the parenting and education choices up to me and I will come to for advice but I would like you to be just grandma and enjoy all that really special relationship with her without the worry or stresses that the parents have and leave that up to me and my husband.


I love you very much and thankyou for all that you have done for me.

Love Oana.

Now I have no idea why your mum did what she did but I suspect that it came from a good place. Just try to be gentle and I hope the above letter helps in some way without sounding nasty. It was not intended that way at all.

[cokers4life]

Sometimes to be at peace with your own decision you have to first be at peace that with the fact that other people have their own opinions.   No matter how you say or what you do she is probably going to want to "wish" to have her way or insert her opinion.   The key to living at peace with a well-meaning controlling person is to not give them control.  Be prepared for opinions by not preparing a rebuttal but having a plan in place that is unwavering.   Having a daily schedule and plan for your child's at home education allows for little room for a well meaning mum to interfere.  She can insert her opinion, but you can still go about with the schedule. 

I actually learned this from a controlling member of my family.  I always wondered how she got her way without anyone trying to control her.  You see its human nature to want to be in charge and control the situation.   Some people just choose which situation they want to be in control of.  Some like to be in control of everything and others just like to be in control of a few things.  Others don't know how to gain control.   My sister (the controlling member) always had a plan in place and she was unwavering in her plan.   She never argued to get her way or made a big scene.  She was just the first to have a plan and so it was always so.  She never made it a discussion or asked for anyone's input.   She always did it with a smile and positive attitude.

It takes a lot of practice, but stay firm.   Don't waver and don't let it be a discussion.  Always smile and divert to another topic.  The key is being at peace with the fact she is going to have an opinion regardless.   

[Oana86]

Kimba15 I really appreciate your advice....but the good habit of writing letters is not something commonly done in my culture....and I don't think she would actually get it.

Cookers4life I really need to perfect the theory you wrote about....just smile and divert to another topic. The thing is that the fact that she questions my decisions really really angers me....and she's my mum and she would really distinguish from a real and a fake smile (but I
ll still try it and divert to another topic). She is indeed very controlling...her intentions are not bad....but somehow I feel that it has to be about her wishes....and what she thinks it's best.

She's visiting for me the week....and somehow I feel like a teenager again because it seems that for everything I do (in my own house) she provides input - that I didn't really ask - ....from small things to big ones....including when she thinks  something should be done in a different way   . Her situation was not similar to that of your sister's ....in the sense that sometimes I would really end up doing what I wanted and make my own choices (and sometimes follow hers).

I am totally convinced that her intentions are good and definitely come from a good place (and I do love her to bits)....but she is totally interfering to the way my husband and I decided to do things ....and don't think she even realises  I'm really happy to have her around.....but at times she's really putting my patience at stake 

We'll see how the rest of the week will go.......and what else I'll end up changing around the house         

[nic31600]

I agree with cokers4life. This is your child and you have to be firm. If you don't believe in something, don't give in to it, even if you dread confrontation. You let someone get away with telling you what to do once except it to happen again and again. If you show you are determined and set on your path, she might begin to realise her input has little impact on your life decisions.

You say your mother lives abroad, how often do you see her? That is an important factor when deciding how you should deal with it. All my family lives abroad, very far away, I only tell them the things I want them to know, If they give unwarranted advice or opinions, I simply thank them and divert the conversation to a completely different unrelated topic and it always works on the telephone and when I see them (rarely).

No matter where you go in life, people are going to give you their opinion, whether you want to hear it or not. It's harder to deal with it when it's coming from your own family but remember that everybody is different. No matter how pushy and controlling a person can be, at the end of the day, they have absolutely no say in your life or child's life.

My mother tends to go OTT and I have learnt to just agree with her, if I disagree, she tends to go on and on and on and on and on on on on on and omg on and on - basically she's very difficult! It's easier since she is living abroad, I talk to my mother regularly on the phone but I divert the conversation quickly if I sense she is going to ask me one more time about how I should go get a job.

I have the same problem with my in-laws and complete strangers too and the advice my MIL gives on parenting my child, I'm surprised her 3 children are still alive to even tell their story!!! I just tell them honestly that what is right for their family, might not be right for mine and this is my daughter and this is how I am going to raise her and I say it loud and clear. Since then, my life has gotten so much easier since no one puts their two cents in anymore as it goes straight through one ear and out the other.

I understand that everybody has their own opinion and has every right to express their opinion but the only way one will understand is by being completely honest with them and tell them truthfully how you feel. Maybe it might seem small talk to them, it might really upset another. If you don't want to be honest with your mother to avoid confrontation then what is one week out of how many times a year you see her going to really wreak havoc in your household?

I don't like my S-I-L, she has no kids, criticises me and my DHs parenting and is very controlling towards her brother and what he should do with our child and how he shouldn't financially support me because SAHM are lazy and I should get a real job if I want/need something but I have made it very clear that she might have HAD her brother wrapped around her controlling finger, he now has very little to do with her, she won't with me or my child and she has really backed down. She gave up because she knows she can't control the situation.

I love my mother to bits no matter how bothersome she can be but if she behaved like that in my house, I would tell her honestly that is my house, my rules, if you don't like how I raise my child or do things in my home then don't come and visit. The only way is to be honest.

[mybabyian]

I don't really have any advice.  I just want to say I feel for you.  I am a stay at home mom and I think it is the greatest and most important profession I could have chosen.  My husband and I have made sacrifices to do it.  We could live in a nicer house, in a nicer neighborhood, but it is still worth it.  It is hard when the criticism comes from your mom.  Isn't it funny that when we grow up we still want to "be good" and please our parents even if in our hearts we know we are doing the right thing.  Hang in there. 

[Tombliboo]

Just wanted to write that I too have had similar comments from my in-laws about going back to work (my DD is 8 months old), I do feel for you... I think it's all too common with the role of the SAHM being widely under valued. The comments have died down now they can see how happy DD is and they probably can't imagine her being at day-care without the one-on-one attention.

Mums in both camps (SAHM and FT working mums) will always feel a certain amount of guilt for their choices. I know I've made the right choice, work will always be there later but time with my LO at this crucial stage is so fleeting, and my decision to look after her for her first few years will have life long benefits for us both.

I don't think there's much point having a confrontation. Our parents will always have different ideas from us. Accept she will have her own opinions and try and enjoy your time with her and your lovely new daughter. I let my parents know what is important for me and DD by dropping in bits of random info here and there, and they get to see how happy we are doing what we do!  I hope she will too. Best of luck x

[lois1]

Hi, I'm sorry you're having such negative & frustrating input from your mum, although like you say she probably means well. Could your husband talk to her (with or without you)... so he could explain how he is 100% supportive of your decision, proud of you for sacrificing your career/ the extra money whatever it is for now. Sometimes son-in-laws get away with saying a lot more than the daughter does:-) You & your husband are the team now, she has no real "right" to interfere, even if it is well meaning & maybe he needs to speak up so you get a break from it.

That can't be easy for a mum to understand... right now I can hardly imagine my little boy growing up to be a man with the freedom to make his own decisions, with a family of his own who I have no control over :-) It must be hard to let them go.

[SarahLoo]

I'm sorry to hear about your issues with your mother, it is so sad when faily are pulled apart by such issues. Its just that soemtimes you dont have any control over how people feel or predict how they will feel.

I suggest perhaps a family meeting, as funny as this sounds it can help to ease pressure and resolve awkward situations.

  

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