My husband is STILL calling me lazy...

[nic31600]

How many of you are SAHM who have a partner or husband who thinks you do nothing all day because being a SAHM is easy and they might come home to a house looking less than immaculate and they don't understand how this could be because being a mother is simple? This is my husband and funny thing is, he is the most laziest person I have ever met in my life and he calls me lazy!

I vacuum at least 3 times a day sometimes even 5!, I look after my daughter in all parenting aspects (usually on my own because that's the mothers job), I do laundry, mop, clean the house, keep the garden clean, I make 6 trips a day by tram, 4 days a week to send/pick up my daughter to/from school, I take her to the park, to doctors appointments or any other events, I walk around picking up all the grocery items off the shelves and putting them in the trolly whilst my husband stands at the end of the aisle with the trolly playing games on his phone rather than actually helping in any way, I do EL with my kid, I look after our rabbit, do absolutely everything, I cook fresh homemade meals, just the other day I spent 3 consecutive hours preparing and cooking lunch and dinner from 9.30am and apparently I'm still lazy!

How do you handle a man like that? It's also a cultural thing as well as a typical stereotype but I'm in my late 20's and have found a few grey hairs from stress! I'm over-working it but if I don't do things, they'll just pile up and never get done. Husband doesn't help, just complain.

EDIT: I should also note that he frequently complains our house is messy because toys are everywhere. I put them away and my 3 year old just throws them out everywhere. I fold clothes, she throws them everywhere. I would have to be cleaning 24/7 to have an immaculate house when I have a kid! I mop the floor, 10 mins later there's stains everywhere and husband complains. Complains, complains, complains....

[Mandabplus3]

Oh dear. Your husband just doesn't respect the effort you contribute to your little family. I am sorry but few husbands can actually be cured of this type of thinking.
I know a few who eventually were cured but it took the mother to end up in hospital for a week, for them to realize how much work it all is.
You have a few options. Put up with it. Knowing in your heart that you are not lazy.
Make it clear to him what you do do. Keep a diary, give him a list, disappear for a day or two and see what he notices isn't done..... But really I don't think it will help much.
Leave him and find a man who respects you more. I am not recommending this path BTW it's just one of your options.
Bide your time until you can get a part time job. Knowing full well that you will probably still have to do everything you do now PLUS your job. But by having a job you get some respect from him as well as a sence of personal satisfaction that you are contributing financially. This will give you the self esteem to fight back from his sexist comments.
Also just give him specific instructions. For example when shopping tell him exactly what you want him to do. " I would like you to follow me down this isle with the trolley please" " please go and get 2 letres of milk" men find it easier with step by step instructions and it is good for us to ask directly for the help we WANT.

[Krista G]

I read a funny email once about a husband that comes home and the front door is open, items are falling out of the front door.  The house is a mess.   The sink is full of dishes, the counters are dirty, there are toys and junk all over the stairs.  He wonders what happened as he walks upstairs to find his wife.  She is lying in her bed reading a book when he asks her what happened.  She replies, "You know those things I do everyday?  Today I didn't do them."

I love this email because unless we stop doing all that we do, it might not be evident to others.  Either that or we are so efficient and make it seem so easy that they again thing we do nothing.  My husband used to come in and out throughout the day and each time ask me what was up.  My answer was nothing, but what I really meant was that I was getting drinks for children, cooking, feeding them, taking them potty, doing laundry, picking toys up off the floor, etc...

[akalori]

krista,

I love your funny email post.   

Lori

[Krista G]

 

[TuiyEddy]

First of All,
Pray to God...
Second, You ask your husband to work with you. help you. so he will know how busy you are.

Hope it helps.

[Lappy]

Perhaps it IS a cultural thing - or perhaps this is also the way your husband grew up, thinking that some tasks are for "women/mothers only" and some are for "men". But I think there's no issue you can't clear up with a little bit of open-minded talking.

My husband and I don't have kids, so you can look at our lives pretty much like yours, only with a little bit more time - but we both come home exhausted from work (the hubs is a teacher and me, well, I'm in BK! Haha.) He comes home much much earlier than I do (home by 4pm) and in a way, when I come home, it could be easy for me to think that he's lazy when I see chores aren't done or if I come home to an ultra messy flat.

But I think before I open my mouth and let the word "lazy" come out... because I won't know if he has a reason why chores aren't done or the why the flat is a mess until I talk to him and ask. I'm talking about the kind of talk where you don't really judge and accuse the other when asking "why is the place a mess?" I'm talking about the "it's-okay-whatever-your-answer-is-i-was-just-curious" kind of asking.

If you find some spare time to sit down and talk with the hubs. (let your daughter hang out and throw toys around... this way you save yourself a bit of energy from picking it up only to have her throw them around again. Who knows, maybe your daughter wants the toys around for imaginative play!) Tell him about your day, let him ask about yours, and tell him - honestly - what you've been up to. No judgement, no calling each other 'lazy', just with the intention of finding out.

Who knows, having these kinds of talks might help.

[nic31600]

I know it's a cultural thing that mothers don't stay at home with their children and the ones that do are considered lazy but I also think it could also possibly be him comparing me to his OCD control freak of a sister as he always complains about me to her and it's never true what he says about me, it's just the way he wants to see things.

She has a dog, and apparently her house stays clean and it's always looking immaculate - with a dog living inside. She really dislikes me (from the day she met me) and is always putting words in his mouth about how bad and lazy I am. He says things that sounds like it's something his sister has structured him to say to me because she is controlling with my husband.

I have explained that a dog is not a child and you cannot compare the lives of an animal to that of a child. I am not his sister and I'm not his personal slave. His parents house is dirty and even they call me lazy and dirty. His sister called me dirty. Their parents house has dog hair everywhere on the floors and furniture, unfolded clothes stashed everywhere, crumbs on the floors, that's not what my house looks like.

I used to fold all the clothes and place on the shelves except on all the shelves she had access to, I just threw them on the shelf as I was sick of folding them and her unfolding them many times a day. Now I fold all the clothes on all shelves because she's not in that stage anymore. It can take me weeks to find the time to fold though.

I wipe up stains off the floor with a sponge but I mop late at night when everybody is asleep. I clean dishes straight after use unless I have to rush out the door. My house is always clean. I don't get it. So folding the clothes can take time for me because I need to do that when daughter is sleeping and she goes to bed VERY LATE so by the time she sleeps I'm too tired and think 'meh tomorrow I'll do it'.

The floors are never going to be immaculate. My husband once came home and said 'look at all the toys everywhere!' - it was only 3 large stuffed toys. When he notices I've taken the trash out he gives me a 'wow! can't believe it!' look. I forgot to buy a plunger for the toilet recently and he said to me 'you do nothing all day, how can you forget!'

I do a major clean up once a week. If I did it every day, I'd be in hospital suffering from exhaustion. He is lazy but I never call him lazy, I just complain in my head so it find it really hurtful. We've talked about it, what I do and what he does and he still doesn't get it.

[TuiyEddy]

Another Suggestion,

Go to someone that is neutral but both of you will hear what he / she said to you and your husband.
Go to neutral side so he/ she will have suggestion for you and suggestion for your husband.
I hope it helps.

[jane_dmitrova]

I think it is better to talk to his sister and his parents (as far as I understood they are the causes of your problem). Find a moment when your hisband is not around (at work for example) and talk to them separatly. Start with parents, talk open and firm asking what they want to achieve blaming you to your husband. Do they want that you divorce (sometimes people are not realizing the consequences of their words)?
When you will talk to his sister, first try to figure out whether she really thinks that you are lazy or she just dislikes you and it does not matter how your house looks. In the first option - ask her to come for one day as a spechless witness to see the amount of your work. In the second - be strong and firm, say what you think about her blaming to your husband and tell her not to interfer in your marrige. Be strong, you come to tell and not to ask.
Do not be afraid, you will not loose anything, they do not like you already, so you can only win.
Good luck and hope it will help.

[nic31600]

I'm not sure if his 'sister' is the 'main cause' of this problem but it's a strong feeling. Every time they came over, our house was spotless, even just a few months ago when they last visited unannounced, it was spotless.

I told them OK I could easily make my house immaculate when I know I'm expecting visitors, but how can I be lazy when you've all seen for yourselves that my house is clean? I've always told my husband, I take a break when I need it because I don't have anyone to look after my child and she never naps.

How did I handle my sister in law? I told her I simply don't care what she has to say about me.

When he 'asks' me to clean, it's like he's ordering me what to do, he says it in a demanding way when I know what needs to be done, why does he feel the need to tell me. He is quite sexist too but that's how he has been raised. It really hurts that he has to behave like this in front of our child.

He doesn't do a lot around the house nor help much in regards to our daughters needs. He is married to his phone, that's his biggest priority, then his friends. He's still immature so that doesn't help either. I've left him for 5 weeks on his own to give him time to realise his attitude and behaviour and when we came back, it was like a completely different man. Suddenly, 2 years later, he's slipping back.

The things his sister has said about me to me, sounds exactly like all the things I say to him about the things that bother me about him. It's like he's deliberately switching the role as the 'bad guy' and putting all the blame on me instead, which truly hurts.

If we didn't have a child together, this problem would have been fixed a long time ago.

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