The Toddler Contract By Alice Bradley
I. FOOD
1. For breakfast, there will be only milk from my sippy cup while I’m watching television (see section II).
2. From breakfast until what you probably call lunch, I will be provided with an unending supply of cookies. No arguments.
3. For lunch I will eat yogurt. Anything containing fruit on the bottom will make me pick out the fruit and throw it on the ground or else throw it up on your carpet.
a. So no fruit on the bottom.
4. From lunch until dinner I will enjoy having something to lick. Why not a lollipop? Why not seven?
a. Between licks, I may place the lollipop on your grandmother’s Turkish rug. This will be ok by you.
5. For dinner I will have macaroni and cheese. Any attempts to give me vegetables in addition to the macaroni and cheese will result in tears.
a. And don’t you dare hide anything in the cheese sauce, because, my God, how you will rue the day.
6. After dinner, you may provide me with ice cream.
a. No frozen yogurt. Trust me, I know the difference.
II. TELEVISION
1. The TV will be on all the time, unless I say differently. You are to sit by my side, quietly, hands folded in lap, while I watch my shows.
a. You may arise to fetch me a snack.
2. No diaper changing or pleas to engage in physical activity will be tolerated during watching of television.
3. Turning off the television will result in much kicking and screaming.
III. TOYS
1. There will be many.
a. They will always be strewn about the house so that I may simply reach down and pick up a toy, no matter where I am.
b. They will be loud, complicated, and contain many small pieces. I enjoy shooting noises that so w-shooooop! Or zim zim zim.
c. Nothing that results in any type of learning, please.
IV. FRIENDS
1. They should be available whenever I’m in the mood to use someone else’s toys or ingest someone else’s cookies.
a. These friends may not ever so much as look at my toys or cookie supply.
b. Ever, ever, ever.
V. SLEEP
1. Is when I say, where I say, and how I say. If I want to sleep upside down with my legs locked around your neck, then that’s how it will be.
a. And you will enjoy it.
VI. AFFECTION
1. Occasionally I enjoy being hugged and kissed. I stress occasionally.
2. I will not be pelted with wet-mouthed assaults on an hourly basis. Should you feel the need to hug or kiss, you must provide me with a written request.
a. And then wait for me to offer my pudgy cheeks.
Signed: X
I came across this contract in a current issue Parents Magazine. My mom pointed it out to me thinking it was cute. After reading a few lines, I realized that this is such a sad place to be. It was written to be funny, and it would be if it weren't so true. Many parents today are slaves to their children's wishes and desires. They jump through hoops to accommodate their children and keep them from having temper tantrums. The part that is sad to me is that this is not how parenting is supposed to be. Being a parent is meant to be the greatest experience of our lives. We are meant to have children that love and obey us because we are the parents. When a relationship flows in this manner, there is no greater bond than the one shared between parent and child. The children trust the parent because they know that they are doing what is best for them. They like the structure in their lives and they are happy to know there are set boundaries that are always enforced. I would love to hear your comments on this article.'
View my blog at
www.teachingbabytoread.com
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