Tyrannical 3 year old.

[Kimba15]

My eldest DD seems to be locked in a power struggle with me and her father. (This started with toilet training)  For which I can't seem to break. She is realllly into arguing and deliberately ignoring any requests or refusing to clean upafter herself stating that she is either too tired or unwell. She will also say after I have told her off "Don't tell me off Mummy I am not well" or I am tired. So I have been trotting her off to bed and I tell her if you are unwell than you need to stay here in bed where sick people stay and you are not allowed to come out because you need to rest. This just results in her screaming, kicking and yelling (which wakes her sister up) yelling "I am well Mummy, I am well Mummy," WHich mkes me just so angry because she is lying to get out of what she doesn't want to do. I have talked to her about lying, I have told her the Peter and the Wolf story and explained that no-one will believe her when she is geniually ill. I have taken things away. Banned her from the ipad and dvd'sent her to the naughty corner. I have thought about introducing a reward chart butI am reluctant to 'reward her' for cleaning up after herself when I think she should just do it anyway.

On days I have a good days with her the minute her father walks in the door from work she turns feral as well and becomes almost impossible to control. I have talked to my husband about this but he says just tell me what to do. For which I have no answer.

I am going stir crazy as I am unsure how to deal with her behaviour.

[Mandabplus3]

One of my girls was a really really difficult 3 year old so I have some understanding of your feelings. Some children don't respond the same way as most and you may have to spend time figuring out her moods (morning, afternoon, evening), sleep hours and  finding what tone of voice sets her off.
A few tips to try though...
Try the reward chart. The idea is to reward good behavior so that that is the behavior your daughter focusses on. If she is often in trouble then her focus will be on always being in trouble and thus she will create more trouble. It is true that she should be expected to clean up her own toys but she is only three and still learning this! I have used with great success a hand drawn tree which my girl could put flower stickers on when it was beautiful I take her for an ice cream and we discuss her good behavior. I give extra stickers if I don't have to tell them to do the cleaning and they just get it done!
We completely changed out evening routine when I realized my girl was grumpy when she was hungry! Dinner was moved forward and raw carrot was offered while dinner cooked. Then after dinner is quiet time, no TV stories only. We also put them all to bed at 7. This keeps me sane!
Also it's important to persist. If you put your daughter to bed when she tells you she is sick and she is suddenly better then she needs to come and finish the task. If she will not,  then put her back to bed. The first few times will be very hard on you emotionally. But i hate to say it  most problems we parents have with our little ones is from us not being consistent. No means no don't change your mind!
Finally try to remember that she is still young, put on some music make it fun and get in and help her tidy. With a baby as well it is likely she is looking for some more fun time with mummy as well. Good luck, persistence pays, my daughter is lovely now and did her first year of school without getting into trouble even once! My little terror was apparently a " delight to have around and very helpful in pack up time" 

[Kimba15]

My DD is still having her moments. I'm finding I'm on a short fuse with her from the time she gets up in the morning. Just a simple request to get out of her night time nappy and put on some nickers results in her screaming. I am now at my wits end with her. Reward charts don't work, taking toys away does ot work. We start doing some writing and she starts mucking around and refusing to listen so I take away the writing she starts having a tanti saying I want to do it I want to do it so I take it ack and she mucks around again. I then pack up and walk away and her tanti lasts for a good 30minutes and wakes her sister up which makes me even angrier,


I am so sick of being played by her that the only thing I can now do is stop everything woth her completely. No more EL stuff and no more art and craft until she can start cleaning up after herslef. I have lost it with her so many times in the last week that it is no longer worth the fight. I have to say I end up angry for the rest of the day and turnon the tv so I don't have to deal with her behaviour and I know she is quiet. Which I know is not helping the problem. I just do not know what else to do and it is ruining our relationship ecause all I do is tell her off all day and not to mention it is exhausting I need help with some suggestions on how to bring my sweet liitle girl ack and get rid of the devil spawn

[Mandabplus3]

My heart aches reading your post. Yes you need some help. You also need a break. Can she go to daycare or nanas or can you take a private weekend just to yourself? I know you will say no, not without my kids ( especially with a baby) and I won't think any less of you for that thought,  but truly think it through. My first kid free night was when my oldest turned 8. I had no idea how much I needed it until I got back. I am a better mother for the time off.
So I am reading your comments and can see one area for some action. You are changing your mind. When she playes up and you take an activity away, then you give the activity back to stop the tantrum, she has won the battle. She has learnt to get her way through manipulating your feelings by having a tantrum. Stick to your guns, be ruthless, if you make a threat follow through all the way. If you say stop that or I will put it away and she does it again, put it away and don't give it back at all that day. If it's really poor behaviour, next time she asks for that activity ( the next day or week) tell her no, your behavior was so bad last time I don't want to do that with you today. Maybe tomorrow if you can show me your good behavior now. Yep she may have a tantrum, let her. She needs to re-learn that tantrums will not EVER get her what she wants. Tough love, it's tougher on you than it is on her.
I will also suggest that you set the bar low for your early learning accomplishments until she has a handle on the behavior. Have low to no expectations and just try to have some fun with her.
I have learnt over the last 4 years that TV makes my 6 year old ( yep the trouble making one) moody and irritable. So I very rarely let her watch it. I love the peace it can offer us but it often isn't worth the aftermath!. She does seem to be able to watch a barbie movie and come away happy if it's in the afternoon and the movie isn't interrupted for any reason. Barbie movies have themes around good behavior and social skills so maybe that is the key. Just something to make you aware of, it took me too many tantrums to figure that one out and my kids watch very little TV. Now she knows it affects her moods and just doesn't turn it on without asking.
I let my kids have their tantrums  I always told them to have them in their rooms. Yes I had to physically haul them into their rooms the first 12 times but after a while I could say go to your room with that behavior and they would either instantly be quiet or scream all the way to bed.
The whole idea is consistency. Absolute unmovable consistency. Have a plan. Let her know the rules while she is happy. Discuss it, demonstrate what happens if she has a wobbly. Then when she does, follow your plan evey single time. If she has one while you are out follow your plan then give her the consequence when you get home. At 3 she is probably old enough to understand and link the consequences to her actions. Actually I am sure she is because she is already playing you to get her way.
I don't want to sounds mean or bossy with my advice, I know you are doing a great job. Your love for her is obvious in the way you continually try to make it right by her and even asked on the forum for advice. I do think a little more consistency and toughness from you will allow you the control and strength you need to bring out the best in her. It is there, the love is in both of you.

[waterdreamer]

I found this book very helpful http://shop.nogreaterjoy.org/to-train-up-a-child-book
Warning, like every book you must take what you want and leave the rest. Its also Christian based, but can apply to all families.
Everyone talks about the terrible 2's but I'd take 4 two year old over a 3 year old. My son and stepdaughter both went through a stage at 3.
Consistency is the thing. If you say your going to do something(take something away, not go somewheres, etc.) No matter how much she screams, yells, fusses, don't give in. If you do it once she will test you every time. If you have already done this, be prepared, it will get worse before it gets better. She will keep kicking it up a notch to see if it will work. I use to put him in time out and if he screamed and yelled, he got to stay there longer. In the end she's trying to break you, if she wakes up her sister, she stays there longer. Only once she is sitting nice and quiet, and YOU or your husband come in to talk to her, is she allowed to apologize and leave. Wesley fought against me for well over 3 hours the first time I tried this. he landed up falling asleep. And every time the time got shorter and shorter. Now I just mention time out and he straightens up.
I know you feel like your relationship is suffering, and I know myself I felt worse when I was coming down hard on Wesley, but when he got into line our relationship improved. At the end of the day though, she is your child and not your friend. I agree with you though, you should not have to reward her just for her to behave for you.
I found that when I was having issues with Wesley getting up for school in the morning, I created a check list of stuff that was expected of him. If he did everything without fuss and wasting time, there lands up being a bit of time before school for TV, if not there is no TV time. I don't tell him, "Oh if you hurry, you can watch TV." I just turn it on when  he's done, or if he has been stalling I don't put it on. But the check list of stuff that is expected of him helped us soooooo much!
Also if she is still playing the ill card, what I did with my son was tell him he needs to rest if he is so ill and then I would pull out a rare treat for me and hubby to snack on in front of him.(The most effective if we were out was going and grabbing fries from McDonald Drive through) Of course suddenly he was better. But it didn't matter, he still did not get any, because liars don't get special treats. Of course the first few times he screamed and yelled, but after we got though that, he stopped using that as an excuse.
I know I must sound harsh, but I know with my kiddo if I'm not, he runs wild. If I'm strict when their is behavior and loving when he's behaved, life is much better.
Good Luck with things. Each child is different, so I'm sure so you will find what works best for you. Just remember its TOTALLY normal for things to get worse before they get better.

[Kimba15]

Thank you for your advice. Your right I do need a break. My husband works 6 days a week and on the 7th day I stilldon't get a break because he seems oblivious to her behaviour  I will implement some stronger strategies to combat her behaviour. My mum is having the girls tonight to give me a break. I would enlist my inlaws but S is worst when she comes back from them and I am back to square one.

I will put in some of the strategies in place see what works. Oh its going to be an interesting couple of weeks. . I swear from all the scowling I do at S i'm going to need botox to get the early wrinkles off my fore-head

[Mandabplus3]

Yes do be be prepared for it to be worse before it gets better. I forgot to mention that and it is rather important.
It will definately get worse for a short time. We also had a three hour meltdown that ended in sleeping, unfortunately she didn't wake any happier and it went on for another 15 mins before she got hungry enough to behave.
 When I was retraining my "princess" I felt like all I ever did was grump at her. She was naughty so often I felt like we were alway at odds. The only thing that saved us was I never used our bedtime stories as a punishment so at least for a few minutes a day we had some love and cuddles. Once or twice we were too mad at each other to bother with the story and she went strait to bed but I never said " if you don't.....I won't read you a story" I just felt we needed something untouchable so I remembered to actually love her.
Congratulations on step one, finding some me time for yourself. Spoil yourself during your time off,  chocolate, wine, bath, massage or just get out of the house you are worth it!

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