Got to love the in-laws...!

[AussieMumofOne]

I thought I'd share a story with you all that happened a few weeks ago but has occurred several times since BC was born. Perhaps it will spark a volley of stories and we can all feel better knowing we're not along in dealing with the in-laws! Luckily for me, the incident revolves around my husband’s nana, or my 'grandmother-in-law' and not my mother-in-law who is in fact fabulous. My grandmother-in-law has mentioned several times since BC was born that I shouldn't let him cry as it will cause a hernia. Now of course we all know this is ridiculous and I let it go without mentioning it or causing a scene.

Well it happened again last weekend when poor BC was trying to sleep after a very busy and over stimulating family lunch out. He was having a little grizzle at having to go to sleep and she turned to me and said 'Oh he's crying, I'll go and cuddle him'. Ah... no, he's OK! (If we picked him up and cuddled him because he doesn't want to go to sleep, what message would that be sending? Of course we'd never let him scream in distress but I could hear that he was crying because he was tired, therefore the solution is to sleep, not to have a cuddle and then when I put him back down he'd cry again anyway! BC is an excellent self-settler but of course it is a bit trickier when he's been out all morning, passed around and over stimulated and is now over-tired and sleeping in his porta-cot, not his normal bed). Anyway, back to the point...

So I said, 'no, he's OK' and he grizzled for a few more minutes so she gets up to go to him and I said 'No he's OK, he's just over tired, I'll give him a few more minutes and then I’ll check on him. She says 'lucky I'M not his mother'. EXCUSE ME! What is that supposed to mean? But still, I did not rise to the bait. Then she says, 'you really shouldn't let him cry, it will cause a hernia'. So again, I explain that some babies are born with abdominal or inguinal hernia's, and they are not caused by crying although if the hernia has yet to be seen, it is certainly more obvious when crying (or any other form of physical activity that strains these muscles) but the activity itself DOESN'T cause the hernia and it would have appeared anyway, even if there was no muscle strain. BC then went to sleep but I avoided her for the rest of the afternoon because I was so angry that she would question my parenting. I don't critisise or question the way you raise your children so what gives you the right to question me?

The next day, unbeknownst to be at the time, she sends my husband an email with two attachments, one on hernia's and one on mother's who believe they can understand their baby's cries. In the email she says that the article proves that crying can cause hernias and says that she found the one on crying interesting and she 'particularly found the one on loneliness or boredom cries interesting but then again, you might have been right too about the overtired cry'. Now I didn't know about the email as my husband had the sensible foresight not to fire me up again!! But then that night she phones me to see if I got her email and wasn't it nice of her to show me that she was right? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!  >

Now the article she sent through was from a paediatrician at the Harvard Medical School and said EXACTLY what I said about hernias, (crying doesn't cause them but can make them appear although they would have done so anyway...) She goes on to tell me it is a matter of opinion! UH NO IT ISN'T! It is a medical fact! I told her I was hurt by her comments that 'luckily I'M not his mother' and she tells me that she is hurt because I'm hurt! What is that!? Grrr, so anyway, the moral of the story is...? I don't know, but I sure feel better for getting it off my chest. Thanks for listening!

[nic31600]

I think it's great that she shows concerns but it's even harder coming from a much older generation, so much has changed in parenting and medically, with new statistics being proved and it doesn't help that not all doctors share the same medical opinions and beliefs. It's not an easy thing to have to listen to, especially when you know they are wrong or there is a debate about the subject by various doctors. I've also had to deal with a lot of ridiculous things said from my very old fashioned French in-laws, they way Australians do things, the French have the opposite belief and to most people, not just my in-laws, i'm seen as the worst mother in the world, no ones has ever seen a style like mine.

I had a large debate with my MIL about how she thought my daughter HAD A SERIOUS problem and she was running around calling every old fashioned doctor for advice on getting surgery for my then 14 month old 'cause when she was starting to learn how to walk, she was walking with her feet out pretty bad, I told her it's cause she isn't confident yet and just trying to find her balance it only happened when she wore the shoes she bought for her, which my daughter was wearing the day we saw her, barefoot she was only very slightly sticking out. I wasn't concerned, my mother-in-law had planned an x-ray, she was crying telling me how concerned she was for my daughter. Luckily I had a very modern French doctor who told her EXACTLY what I told her and she was proved wrong a month later by my now very confident walker.

I think you handled it very well. If it gets to much after a while, you can always tell her 'thanks for the concerns but he is my son and if I feel there is something wrong, I will immediately take him to the doctor for a check up.' You may not be as blunt as I am but I really had to put my foot down because I was getting criticised from all angles, I even stopped taking my daughter to her local playgroup and daycare as I often left in tears. For me, it was more about cultural differences and it's only going to get worse but if you ever feel it becomes too much, don't be afraid to say 'I am the mother here, I appreciate all the concerns and advice but I know my own child and I know what's best for him' Good luck!

[AussieMumofOne]

You're right nic31600, I should try to appreciate her concern more I think! That's terrible about what happened at your mother's group. I can't believe people can be so rude! Were they questioning your early learning beliefs? I hope you have a more supportive group of people around you now.

Lisa

[carpe vestri vita]

We've chosen a different path than you have, but I trust that you know your baby well enough to know if he needs comforting or just to be left alone. And I don't know you. One would expect that your family (even family by marriage) would have as much respect for you as strangers on the internet. But it appears your nana-in-law does not realize that questioning your choices is saying that she does not respect your decision-making abilities.

I have the same issues with my MIL. I have no advice, just commiseration.

[reei]

we can't change the older generation, just bear in mind when we become grandparents next time,, to well, keep our opinion to ourselves.. if it is not appreciated. what if your children dont believe in early learning, maybe secretively do flash cards and flash at your grandchildren when no one is looking..
can't win an argument with mother in law..  i just keep quiet most of the time, maybe she thinks i am crazy to be doing flash cards and with spanish and so on, she just keep quiet, i do appreciate that. so.. ssshh... quiet.. is the best approach sometimes.

[nic31600]

AussieMumofOne -they intend well but when it comes to our in-laws who've lived through it all you can't really defend yourself against somebody that says ''I did it with all my kids and they turned out alright''. Usually they tend to think they know it all and your the poor defensless new mother who must be lost.

This mothers group, they are run by a group of child psychologists and I could never relax, they were always analayzing every move I made and finding all my faults. Her day care couldn't accept that my daughter was being raised like an Australian and they went against my beliefs and did things their way anyway, I pulled her out after only 2 days for discrimination, neglect and abuse. I don't go to any groups now nor have any support and early learning isn't really welcomed here so much. I do a lot with my daughter at home and just take her to play parks where it's run by non-psychologists.

The saying goes 'when you get married you marry the entire family'. In France it's 'When you get married you marry the entire community'. With my experience in France, i've learnt to stick up for myself as a parent now even if people take it offensively, it's better to say something as long as you do it politely, they think they are only trying to help but to us, we feel like we are getting criticized.  . I hope  it gets better for you

[mirra]

@ nic31600, I feel sorry for u for what happened at mothers group. hope all is better for u soon. you are a strong person t survive all this...best of luck.

[AussieMumofOne]

Yes, Mirra said it perfectly, you obviously have excellent strength of character to cope with raising your daughter in another country and without close family and friend support. I really hope you have a magical Christmas here in Australia and that your daughter enjoys her time with your family! Best wishes 

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