Brilliant kids lack confidence - the perils of praise

[marimari]

It is very interesting article, because from this one I can see my reality and know how to proceed. Thanks KL.

[Twinergy]

Here is another article from Then Natural Child project that also suggests how to praise.  If you like to read the whole article here it is: Praise the Poisoned Carrot.  I am including an excerpt of what I think is the best part.

Focus the child on his/her own pleasure at achieving.
Instead of lavishing children with congratulations, it's better if they focus internally on the pleasure they derive from accomplishment. Children are naturally thirsty to achieve, learn and conquer. They are born with an insatiable zest for mastery, and each new attainment fills them with delight. It is this self-enjoyment which provides the greatest fuel for perseverance and further learning. When you see your child do something new, it can be wonderfully encouraging and supportive to say: "you look like you enjoyed that!", or: how did it feel to do that?". "I'm glad you did that, you look happy with yourself!".
Help him/her to self-evaluate.
Whenever possible, it is a good idea to ask your child about their own self-evaluation. For instance: "how do you like your drawing?", "are you happy with how that piece fits into the puzzle?".
Ask them about their inner experiences.
Say, for instance, your child reads you a story he just composed. After sharing how the story made you feel, you could ask: "How do you feel about the story you wrote?", "How did it feel to write it?", "Did you enjoy telling it?", "How did you come up with those ideas for your story?". There are few things so nourishing to your child's self-esteem, and so enriching to your relationship with him, than your interest in his inner world of feeling and imagination.
Use "I" statements, instead of labeling the child.
Your appreciation touches your child more deeply when it is expressed in terms of your feelings. For instance: "I like the colors you chose!", or "I love how you sang that song!" - instead of: "what a good drawer you are!", or "gee you're a good singer". Avoid labeling statements like: "Good boy for sharing your toys!". Say instead: "thanks for sharing with your friend, that felt good to him - and to me". Focus on your feelings, not on a moral or quality-oriented label. An "I" statement keeps you from holding a position of power over your child. It creates an honest and fulfilling connection between you while not interfering with their experience of themselves.
Comment on the behavior, not on the person.
Feedback and acknowledgment are definitely important. Imagine your child has just played you a new piece she has learned on the piano. Instead of saying: "What a good player you are!", you could tell her how much you enjoyed the piece. Better still, be specific. Tell her what in particular you liked about her playing (e.g. the passion or emotion, the beautiful melody, how carefully she played, her sense of rhythm, etc.)
 

[Twinergy]

It makes many good points, and seems to be slightly more strict than the Dweck-related articles.  The danger with praise in general is that it starts to make children motivated because of the praise, and this motivation will not be long-lasting.  As this article observes, it is better to just describe what happened or what you observe (like "You did it!", or "Your generosity has made Sarah so happy!"), or ask questions (like "Didn't that feel great?").  As opposed to remarks like, "I'm so proud of you!" - implying that your pride is only there if they perform well.

How true, how true!

So, what i get from both articles is this: It's better not to praise than to praise (although there's a lot of other things you can say INSTEAD of praise that may make your child feel just as good.); If you must praise, then praise effort, not intelligence or the like.

Thank you KL.  Yes I agree that Kohn is less flexible than the other authors.  I prefer to think I have a little more room to error than that.  So if I use evaluative praise spontaneously (I’m not referring to praise as manipulation), I have many opportunities to redeem myself.  What strikes me about Dweck’s studies is there was only a brief lesson about how the brain is a muscle then the kids did better.  Now I presume these kids also had the “you are so smart” praise at home and school their entire lives.  The idea they could be turned around so easily is very encouraging. 

Another thing I would like to point out is that Kohn mentions that sometimes saying nothing sometimes a good alternative to praise.  I think a good example of when this one is appropriate is when the child is concentrating on a task, drawing for example.  Why do we need to interrupt to tell them they are doing great?  Certainly not to reinforce what they are already doing.  I think we should just let the child continue then wait until they are done to discuss their work.  This helps develop a longer attention span anyway. 

[L and J]

I must confess that while I already knew, never had the initiative poner it in practice .... My mom always said, in praise rejoice the day, but praise to much, makes the child feel that they must pass to be perfect, with the first error, can come to frustration and the feeling of impotence, which ends with self confidence. I believe that is very important to praise, but it is also important to let "fall" to understand that not everything in life is perfect, mistakes are human and that mistakes are to learn to do better and better.

[L and J]

thanks for sharing with us, I confess that I could not read them all, but what I read was a great help and clarification

[lzp11]

Thanks for these links - I've read them all and they have really made me think about my tendency to praise my 12 month DD.  It is interesting that common forms of praise involve the words "good ...." which clearly infers that the opposite could also be true ("bad ....") although few of us would ever say that.  I'm sure kids are smart enough to figure it out for themselves, though.

I think that building a healthy self-esteem for our children involves teaching them they it's ok to not always be perfect ("good") and that making mistakes and learning from them, and perseverance and effort are really important qualities, so I like the idea of praising for effort, and perhaps for other problem solving behaviour (even if not successful) such as trying something different, or being creative or thinking about what the answer might be.
I think Eddison was quoted as saying "I didn't fail, I just learned 99 ways how not to create a lightbulb" (or something along those lines!) The point being that he didn't give up at the first setback and succeeded in the end. 

But I do think it's possible to become too extreme and I'm not comfortable with giving up praise as a form of bonding and connection / loving support.  Often words are less important than the spirit in which they are offered, and also our own approach as parents to overcoming problems and not giving up etc (I expect they will learn what we do more than what we say!).  For example, is it really better that I say to my dd "I feel happy when I see you clap" rather than "good clapping!"?  Or should I hold it in and say nothing?!  I'd find that really hard!  Surely even just smiling and clapping back is a form of social praise anyway?

[Twinergy]

Hi lzp11,
I agree that it is possible to become too extreme.  Parenting is a big job and we don’t need to burden ourselves with some ideal of perfection.  Our children pick up on our stress and it is better to be the good enough parent who is more relaxed about mistakes than to be the perfect parent who obsess over mistakes.  They look at how we handle situations for cues on how to behave so if we are trying to be perfect they will follow our example. 

Listening to how our children respond to their own accomplishments is a great gauge on how our praise is affecting them.  If they say something like “I did it” after a success then they are building intrinsic motivation and self esteem.  If they turn to us for our encouragement and ask something like “how did I do?”  then we need to start building them up more and work on leaving out our judgments. 

As for praising, I think it is more about changing our language to avoid evaluating and to be more specific.  For one year olds I like using a tool called Sportscasting.  Think of it like a sportscaster who announces what they saw.  Children pick up on our tone of voice so no evaluation (good/bad) is necessary.  To emphasize I might add a feeling statement (“I feel…” or “She looks like she feels…” for the cat or another child) after Sportscasting.  If you would like to learn more tools on working with children to build their intrinsic motivation I recommend the book “Becoming the Parent You Want to Be” by Davis & Keyser.  It is a reference guide for the first five years so it is designed to read a chapter at a time rather than cover to cover.  If your library doesn’t have it you could check and see if they can get it from an inter-library loan through WorldCat.   What I like so much about this book is that it gives real life examples with sample scripts and the best tools are summarized very concisely on pp 226-239.  I like to have photocopies of these pages around for others to read, and have even highlighted key points.  Chapters 10-13, 18-21, 23, and 24 are also worth reading if you have the time (the numbered lists of strategies are especially worth reading.) 

In the case of clapping, this is what I think of as a more social activity.  We typically clap to celebrate.  I like to join in the fun, sing a song about clapping and make eye contact.  Maybe even play a clapping game (High Five, Miss Mary Mack, Pat-a-Cake.)  And yes mimicry is flattery, so they get the idea that you approve if you clap along.  Saying nothing is a good tool to use when you want to encourage continued concentration, like drawing or stacking blocks. 

---------------------------------
ETA
I almost forgot, When I feel lke I need to say something but am not feeling especially creative I will say "you did it!"  then follow up with a sportscasting comment.  E.g. "you did it, you put your shoes on."

[KL]

Just to give an example of how these articles have affected my behavior.

The other day we were at an amusement park and we won a few prizes (soft toys). I knew that she wasn't particularly keen on one of the toys (we picked it cos we had to pick one), and I could foresee it would just be put to a corner and just collect dust when we get home.

So I encouraged her to give it away to another kid, and she did.

Before I would have said, "Well done, Felicity! I'm so proud of you!!"

This time, I said (with a big beaming smile on my face), "Did you see how happy that boy was?! Doesn't it feel great to be giving?"

OK, I don't think it's a big 'sin' if I had said "I'm so proud of you", but I want her to do these things because she wants to for herself, rather than to make me proud of her.  To me it's a very big difference.  I think it's a liability to be motivated to do things primarily because of what others think, as her happiness would then be dependent on others.

But lzp11, I know how hard it is!!

[bella]

I am reading right now Nurtureshock by Po Bronson , and it is wonderful book cannot put it down , highly recommend it .it has a whole chapter about praise .
love
viv

[creative7584]

Hi All,

I am little bit confused about praising kids and positive affirmations. Will there be any negative impact on kids when positive affirmation like you are smart, you are healthy and strong, etc have been told when they are in sleepy mood as praising kids like good job, good girl is not advisable? Please clarify. Thanks in advance.

[KL]

I think it's different.

Praise is usually when she does something (or something has happened) and you praise her for doing that something. Positive affirmations are said regardless of what she has done.

btw, you could also get your child to say the affirmations herself. For example, sometimes Felicity would say she can't do something, and I would tell her she could, and guide her a little (just enough to help her do it herself), and then I would say, "see, what did i tell you? You can do it!", then I would ask her to say herself, "I can do anything!".

[kreena]

The articles and discussions here are really very
interesting though I read 2-3 only.

Will come back here again.

The example given by KL is so relevant. I used to praise my daughters for doing something
new like Good Girl,  Wah wa ! but never made it cleared why I praised the.

-- Kreena

[Marmee]

Thanks for bumping Kreena.  I am familiar with Alfie Kohn but haven't read the other links so I know what I will be reading when I'm feeding bub today.

[RoseMama]

What fantastic links.  Thank you 

ETA

I have just read the link in the original post to the nymag article.  I have to say it really resonated with me.  I was one of those children with a very high IQ who was always told I was smart, attended special classes for the highly intelligent children in the district and was expected to do very well academically.  Since everything came so easily to me if I couldn't learn something immediately I floundered and refused to try because the idea of trying and failing terrified me.  That would mean I'm not smart, hey.  For me I was ok not trying and failing because I somehow thought I could save face by pretending I didn't care to learn that particular thing.

Fortunately there were very few things I didn't grasp fairly quickly.  Unfortunately one of those was geometry and I failed maths in Year 12 which is something I had been very, very good at and won awards in competitions for.  Now I know that spatial maths is not something that comes easily to me but I have no problems with calculus and other more abstract concepts.  Now I am going through a maths programme to complete it because even 15 years later it bothers me that I failed at something.  The difference now is I know that I need to put in the effort to learn which is something I never did before.

[2010BEBES]

.... My mom always said, in praise rejoice the day, but praise to much, makes the child feel that they must pass to be perfect, with the first error, can come to frustration and the feeling of impotence, which ends with self confidence. I believe that is very important to praise, but it is also important to let "fall" to understand that not everything in life is perfect, mistakes are human and that mistakes are to learn to do better and better.

Thanks L and J,
I never though of praise in that way, your mom is right.

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