Children, dogs and FIL

[tatlimKL]

Hi everyone,

Today I went to my in-laws with my partner and 14 month old daughter. I was inside preparing a meal with his m and s and partner was there with us talking, his f was outside with my daughter and their dog, not long after I heard him come inside. I didn't look because I expected my daughter to be with him as they know how I feel strongly about child and animal safety and constant supervision.

Then I heard his mum say where is Emilie? (my daughter) then the father (f) went outside and checked up on her, she was out their left unattended with the Labrador and small things she could have swallowed and chocked on. I told him firmly NEVER to leave her unattended because it COULD/CAN be dangerous and they don't have a fence around their yard so she could easily run off. He just shrugged it off and said no, it's OK and the sister said dogs aren't dangerous!.

It is the only problem I have with them. They are nice people (to my face, except the sister/s) and we get along but they have 3 (adult) kids and still they have no common safety sense. They can't babysit my daughter because they do some very irresponsible things eg. turning around for a few minutes and leaving my daughter alone next to the swimming pool ledge and didn't seem bothered when I said something. Dangled my daughters face infront of the sisters dog that is jealous of her, laughed when the dog tried to bite her on the leg but got her shoe instead, letting her play with lighters, their house isn't child proofed, chemicals and poisons are easily accessed by my daughter, cigarettes are placed on the ledge of the kitchen bench, no gate around the fire place, no gate to block off their stairs, list could go on.

I never get a break from my daughter and it would be nice to go away with my partner for a few hours or for the weekend but I can't trust them. They are very trusting of their dog and they weren't concerned about the pool incident as they said she was only going for the ledge because I kept saying no, I had left to go to the toilet btw this happened on my way back.

They think I am depriving my daughters needs of exploring and I'm not going to risk something that IS potentially dangerous just to please my ILs. I tell them not to do something yet they still do it in front of my face, I don't let them babysit as I don't even want to think about what they would do behind my back. I have a swimming pool and I have neighbours cats around and my daughter is very rough with them, the cats try to scratch her but if we open the doors/windows, they can get in so we don't open windows anymore.

They keep asking us to let them babysit and we're running out of excuses. My partner told them the same thing and got nowhere, any advice? I already talked with them.

[TmS]

You must feel extremely frustrated.

We're surrounded by people who will judge our judgements and try to prove their point by extreme behaviour.

We have similar issues with various family members. Though more about emotional behaviour, appropriate conversations, appropriate tones of voice and choice of words. Our answer has been to stop trying to change their behaviour and change ours. We now allow them to feel we are rude or whatever million other labels they attempt to put on us but we watch our son every second, they are never alone with him or in charge of him - it is not a responsibility they have earned. At least this way it's me doing the ignoring of the negative comments. Difference is it's okay for me to make these decisions because they are mine to make and while I always appreciate good advice I will be the one to determine which advice is suited to my relationship with my child.

The pro has been that while they refuse to accept our decisions my BIL has firmly embraced them and follows our example in how we treat our son and what the rules and limits are. But then he's studied psychology so he has a whole different perspective.

It would be lovely if there was a magical way of making people respect our judgement and choices but it's a rare thing

[McDume]

Parents who maintain a particular child care philosophy must stick to their guns, protect their kids no matter whose feelings might be hurt. It's not easy, never easy, and certainly no way to 'win friends and influence people', but one thing I've learned -- parenting is not for sissies!

[2010BEBES]

I understand how you feel and am sorry for the way they are especially being your husband's parents. If it would have been the other way around you could have a 'serious' talk with your parents. You mention you already talk to them but did you explain very clearly that is the reason why you do not want them to baby sit? But aftel all, it is difficult to trust them if they say they are not going to behave like that and keep the dog away or watch your daughter more closely.
I to have a labrador and when my grandson was smaller (i yr old) i was very alert (and still am) because i had the feeling that the dog was a little jealous when we were with my grandson. Not a big issue but we have to put the dog outside when playing making sounds, singing or dancing because he gets excited and barks a lot.
It is a difficult situation.

[tatlimKL]

Yes, very frustrated. They have said some bad things behind my back saying i'm a very bad mother but I won't give in just to keep the peace. I would say that I am pretty angry because they keep on asking me when I have made myself pretty clear, I want them to realise how dangerous it can be to turn your back for a second, even more so when completely unattended.

I can't see how any decent parent couldn't understand how children can get themselves into serious trouble as they don't understand. They still tell me what they did isn't wrong and the father gets offended, the sister and mother get abusive. I don't care how upset they are. The Labrador is scared of my daughter and runs away and barks out of anger but they try to force my daughter on him because they think it is funny my daughter chases him and he gets scared, they laugh when she pulls his tail and hurts him, it's ''cute'' to them!!!. The other dog is a French Bulldog who is extremely jealous. They got angry when I asked them to keep the dog outside during our visits, they won't because I have a feeling they don't listen to me because they think it is their house, their rules regardless of who the mother is, I have to always hold my daughter when that dog is around. I just pick up my daughter and distract her with something else to get her attention away from the dog.

I wish I knew the right words to say to them to make them truly understand to stop asking me for them to babysit when they clearly disrespect me as a mother and disrespect my daughter by putting her in a potentially dangerous environment. I've been clear yet maybe they are expecting me to change for them. By the way they have acted, It made me think they care more about the dogs then my daughter. I don't see how a pool full of water can't be dangerous nor an unfenced back yard/house full of dangerous products and tools and a dog that is scared of a child.

Perhaps they don't read the news.

[Sarah108]

Hi TatlimKL,

I had another, but similar experience with my in-laws, and I will tell you how I handled it.

I am an asthmatic, and the doctor told me that if, as a young child, my daughter comes into contact with smoke, the gene responsible for asthma will certainly be triggered. My father-in-law - an EXTREMELY difficult man - smoked. So every time we went to visit, I just ostracised him. We went to sit in another room, and of course everyone came to where I was. He felt very angry and used to shout - but we continued and persisted. Eventually.. he gave up!

He is also grossly obese, and tried to feed my daughter capuccino at three weeks!!! and all sorts of jelly beans etc! Can you believe this? So I went to him alone - unemotionally - and told him that my daughter is firstly too young, and secondly I don't want her to have sugar anytime in the near future. I further explained that if he continues to try, I would not let them look after her. He was deeply hurt, but said nothing. I think it sank in. She is now 16 months old, and we have not let her stay alone with them - until now. But last weekend, I said to them that I would let them try, and I further re-iterated how I felt about the sugar. My MIL was angry and said "we don't do that" and I left it. Well, they took me seriously, cos after my words many many months ago, I never let her stay with them until they had demonstrated their commitment to this.

So - I would recommend - that WITHOUT your child and your husband - you go to speak to them. Alone. In this way, you are making it a serious talk that they cannot brush off. Tell them how you feel, and that this is your chance to be a mom, and that whether they think you're over protective or not, this is the way you choose to raise your child. Explain to them that you're deeply hurt by them ignoring your requests, and that you don't feel safe for them to look after her. Let them have their say. Explain to them that you love them and that you really want your daughter to have a relationship with them, but not in this way.

Then leave it for a few weeks and see if the behaviour demonstratedly changes.

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