Discipline a Child

[Li Ling]

I am having discipline problem with my 5 yo dd now. She has been very naughty and stubborn ever since I gave birth to my ds.

She is a very active and jumpy gal. She will do alot of funny things to catch attention. I have been getting alot of complaints from her teachers too. She always distract the class during lessons and not able to sit still.

I am having problem getting her to sit down still and properly throughout her meals. She will either lie down or sit with her legs crossed on the chair or even go down the chair and walk around. Whenever I told her to do something she will talk back and do something else or just ignore it. For example, she likes to disturb her bb brother so I told her not to but she will continue doing it until my ds cries. She also likes to run by herself whenever we go out to the shopping centre and talk to the strangers. We have been telling her not to talk to any strangers and explain the danger to her. However, she still doing it. Everytime she sees a stranger, she will start with "Hello!" and if the person responded, she will continue all the way until the person leave. We do not want to be rude so we could only tell her that she should not talk to strangers after the person has left. I was wondering if it is ok to tell her right away?

At night when it is bed time, she will be so reluctant to turn in. She will ask me to read her books but continue to play. Next moment I told her to go to bed as it has already passed bed time, she will want me to pat her to sleep. But still eyes wide open. I really don't know what to do. How to discipline her.

Any parent can share and advise how to discipline & control her behaviour?

[MerryHeart]

Sounds like a bit of jealousy. Try to come up with a small bit of time several times a month to spend with just her doing something she enjoys. I know it's hard. I have three but that one-on-one time is so important.

I have had great success with the "I was caught doing good" coins from Oriental Trading. I keep them in my pocket and give them out when the children pick up after themselves, do a chore, are especially kind to one another, finish their schoolwork before their time is up, etc. I have a chart of rewards that they can get with varying amount of coins. It's great motivation. I have my three plus my brother's three so I normally have 6 children under the age of 8. I have to be super creative to maintain order.

I like Dr. James Dobson's book "Dare to Discipline." I am not opposed to spanking but I believe they should be a very rare occurrence. I always try to explain why they can or cannot do something. However, when I tell them to do something or not do something and they stomp their foot and say no in defiance, that warrants a spanking. Not because I'm big and they're little. Not because I'm right and they're wrong. But because I am here to protect them and if they are not in the habit of immediately obeying, at some point, they may be in danger and not move immediately when I say to get out of the way of that danger. Disobedience has the potential for grave consequences. They should understand to move first. Ask questions later.

For sleeping, my oldest has autism. He has never slept well. We give him a small dose of Melatonin before he goes to bed. That's better than the prescription that the pediatrician gave him. They need sleep to learn well so this works well for us.

Good luck and I hope things get better.
Christy

[perco]

Hello Li Ling,
It sounds to me like your little girl is pushing the limits. Well if she is able to do that, then I can assume that her parents didn't quite manage to establish them previously. Every little human being needs to be learnt not to put his fingers into the power plug. Every destructive behaviour should be firmly restricted right away. No need of  delay. Honesty is my first rule. And I am sure there is nothing wrong or rude to be open and honest to my child whenever she or he behaves destructively. Kids really need borders, and when they know the borders, even if they fight against them, the children feel safe and comfortable and they become more manageable from time to time.
I have noticed it with my child, and with grown ups either. Mostly we like to know what are our obligations and rights. It's all about the same thing. Only the child should be involved with the system of true and false. Of good and bad. Lately, a self-reliant grown up may choose for himself what to obey and what to flee. But first one should accept the law within.

So I guess your daughter may need some firm but aware to her sensitivity attitude.
Just rely on your innate  mother instincts and use the father figure to achieve respect.

Watch these movies about kindness and show them to your kid. Maybe she would like to learn what is respect and kindness:

http://iotiub.com/cat7.php?s=3

[akalori]

My son misbehaved at 4 yrs old when he recieved a new baby sister.  He wasn't happy about sharing me at all.  I let it go on for a bit.  Then finally I had to put my foot down.  It was hard because I felt bad that he was having trouble adjusting.  I wanted to reassure him that he was still loved.  And I did alot of that too, but when he misbehaved he was sent to time-out.  Now 3 yrs later, with 2 kids, I'm a time-out pro  .  Others tell me my kids are incredibly well behaved so I guess it is working.  It will be hard but you have got to start disciplining her. 

Good Luck, Lori

[Twinergy]

Wow, after reading your question my initial response is why are the teachers complaining rather than helping you problem solve and find a solution?  It sounds like they aren't doing their job!  Clearly your DD's learning needs aren't being met otherwise she would be engaged in the lessons rather than distracting others.  I don't know where you live, but I'm from a very progressive region and if a child has difficulty staying on task in my school district the teachers start discussing different learning strategies with the parents.  If the behavior continues into second grade they start looking into special learning needs and getting a formal diagnosis.  Please don't be alarmed by the idea of "special needs" often times it is simply a matter of a child not wired to fit into a specific cirriculum that mandates that they remain still and quiet for long periods but they adapt quite well once they leave the academic environment and join the real world.  In another environment these traits can be concidered gifts.  For example, she might be the kind of person that can manage well in a cricis situation, where the more mellow child might not manage so well.  I'm curious, where do you live that the school is handling the situation by complaining?
(I have more to discuss here and will reply again later)

[Twinergy]

My son has been diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, and his behavior is catagorized as sensory seeking.  In his case I think the term "disorder" is a misnomer, but it is rather an adaptaion to living in an extreme environment where lots of heavy work was required.  For other people, however, the condition can be much more difficult to live with than it is for my DS.  Once I understood my DS's underlying needs it was very easy to start redirecting him toward more appropriate ways to meet his needs, but we are still struggling with him not eating by himself.     I am mentioning this because several of the behaviors you mentioned your DD has sound a little like my DS, but maybe I'm mistaken I'm not there to see it nor am I an expert on these matters.  If you decide to read into SPD please understand that it is an umbrella term for many different ways the brain can process sensory information.  Here is a checklist that describes some of the behaviors that can manifest with different type of SPD, what they are looking for is a pattern to the behavior.  If you are interested I am happy to share more information and resources on SPD. 

[Ouroboros1]

We've been wondering about this lately, our little guy is being mischievious and laughs when we try to discipline him!  He's learned this high pitched shriek from somewhere, and he uses it not whenever he wants something.  We've been trying to not react or give any positive or negative feedback when he does this, but it's hard (esp when driving in the car, etc!) He puls my wife's hair VERY hard on a regular basis, gets this little gleam in his eye right before he does it.   We don't want to spank, etc, but I think he's testing his boundaries already.

[motoxjen]

As a first time mother of a 5 month old beautiful baby girl, I feel like I'm well equipped to deal with the many issues that await me.  I have always loved animals and have been around them for most of my life. As an animal lover, a PACK LEADER and a MOTHER, I've learned very quickly, that if I DON"T have RULES, BOUNDARIES, LIMITATIONS & DISCIPLINE, then whatever it is, a dog or a kid, they will not RESPECT ME! If I do not get their respect, they will not listen. Whenever I'm babysitting or walking my client's dogs, I always make it a point to make sure they know who is the Pack Leader, or in this case, The Adult or Parent. You have to make a fast IMPACT because if you don't do it in the beginning, then it will be harder to achieve later on. (kinda like learning - it's much easier to learn earlier rather than later) Once you've lost control, it's not easy to gain control.  GET IT??    I strongly believe that many parents find it very difficult to discipline their kids because of the simple fact that they don't want to be the MEAN one. In other words, they don't want their kids to not like them as much as the other parent. I think that is ridiculous!! I've found that even though I'm considered the mean one in my family, the one that tells them what to do and when to do it, when to study & do homework and it seems like I'm the only one that disciplines the kids, the KIDS all have MORE RESPECT towards me, than they do with their own parents. (My brothers)  It's crazy! Anyhow, I just wanted to comment on that because I feel that a lot of parents feel the same way when it comes to discipline. And thats why kids act out the way they do.  Please dont take anything the wrong way or be offended by my comparing kids and animals, but to me that theory works well. I get respect from most the kids that I come across, and for sure get the respect from all different dogs that I walk.

I LOVE THIS SITE & THANKS SO MUCH PARENTS FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL RESOURCES AND INFORMATION!

[mom2bee]

As a first time mother of a 5 month old beautiful baby girl, I feel like I'm well equipped to deal with the many issues that await me.  I have always loved animals and have been around them for most of my life. As an animal lover, a PACK LEADER and a MOTHER, I've learned very quickly, that if I DON"T have RULES, BOUNDARIES, LIMITATIONS & DISCIPLINE, then whatever it is, a dog or a kid, they will not RESPECT ME! If I do not get their respect, they will not listen. Whenever I'm babysitting or walking my client's dogs, I always make it a point to make sure they know who is the Pack Leader, or in this case, The Adult or Parent. You have to make a fast IMPACT because if you don't do it in the beginning, then it will be harder to achieve later on. (kinda like learning - it's much easier to learn earlier rather than later) Once you've lost control, it's not easy to gain control.  GET IT??    I strongly believe that many parents find it very difficult to discipline their kids because of the simple fact that they don't want to be the MEAN one. In other words, they don't want their kids to not like them as much as the other parent. I think that is ridiculous!! I've found that even though I'm considered the mean one in my family, the one that tells them what to do and when to do it, when to study & do homework and it seems like I'm the only one that disciplines the kids, the KIDS all have MORE RESPECT towards me, than they do with their own parents. (My brothers)  It's crazy! Anyhow, I just wanted to comment on that because I feel that a lot of parents feel the same way when it comes to discipline. And thats why kids act out the way they do.  Please dont take anything the wrong way or be offended by my comparing kids and animals, but to me that theory works well. I get respect from most the kids that I come across, and for sure get the respect from all different dogs that I walk.

I LOVE THIS SITE & THANKS SO MUCH PARENTS FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL RESOURCES AND INFORMATION!

I am in the same boat! I have 9 younger siblings and cousins. And all 9 of them behave around me, they do listen to me more than they do their own mothers because I dont take that wild child type behavior. Everyone is welcome to play, have fun and make merry but boy do I have a short fuse for all sorts of nonsense from a child that I know know's better...

Our mom might be trying to convince the kids to do something and they just ignore her and continue about their way, I walk in call them to attention and deliver the same command and it begins to get done.

I had a cat that was CRAZY and spoiled by everyone in the family! She didn't listen to anyone--but me, who disciplined her and my dad, who saved her life when she nearly died after an attack.
I made the same analogy about pets and kids when my cat was going in the neighbors house and stealing their breakfast meats off the table. (Dont worry, we've known these neighbors for as long as we've been alive.) I told them to SPRAY her and 'scruff' her when they catch her at it, say NO and boot her out the door. They never did but she continued to steal their food (until they stopped being careless, but she was still on the food table) and they continued to complain to me. I asked them if they did what I said and they said "No." I told them that the cat didn't do that in our house because I'd caught her in the act a few times before and did the same thing every single time. Spray, Scruff, No, boot

I told them that I cant train her to behave in an environment that I've never been in with her, so they had a problem for a while but finally took my advice and lo and behold, problem solved.

[Frukc]

I would recommend this http://www.amazon.com/Children-Are-Heaven-Cooperative-Compassionate/dp/0060930993
John Gray: Children Are from Heaven: Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children.
I recommend it to everyone.  I think this is better than Dobson's; few minute isolation instead of spanking. It gave wonderful results with my girl.

read also this http://forum.brillkids.com/coffee-corner/successful-time-out/ , it is also about the isolation.

also read these http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm
http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/03/praising-children-risking-failure/

I used this approach to improve relationships. When my first kid did something fine to the second one, I never said "good girl". I said "he liked it",  "look, he is smiling" etc.

[Twinergy]

We've been wondering about this lately, our little guy is being mischievious and laughs when we try to discipline him!  He's learned this high pitched shriek from somewhere, and he uses it not whenever he wants something.  We've been trying to not react or give any positive or negative feedback when he does this, but it's hard (esp when driving in the car, etc!) He puls my wife's hair VERY hard on a regular basis, gets this little gleam in his eye right before he does it.   We don't want to spank, etc, but I think he's testing his boundaries already.

We started having similar discipline issues that we couldn't childproof around when the twins were about 14 months old.  I tried lots of techniques but what worked the best for us was to recognize the impulse behind the behavior and find a substitut that still honored the impulse.  We had problems with  hair pulling intermittently and it wasn't until they were about 2.5 that I figured out a substitute.  I substituted a stuffed lion for peoples' hair and made it fun by pretending to react for the lion.  I would have prefered a monster with long hair since it wouldn't be pretending to hurt an animal, but that is what I had at the moment.  I would not suggest using a doll that looked human.  Admittedly, I was concerned this might escalate the behavior at first, but I was deserate.  He continued pulling the lions hair for a few weeks, then stopped completely.  Ok maybe not completely, after 6 months he pulled his sister's hair once again just yesterday.  Maybe I will have to find that lion again.  Anyway, I found several other similar examples in the book Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen, none of them were with a 10 month old so I'm not sure how it work for that age.  Good luck!

PS.  I found a website with custom made monster dolls, like an ugly doll, with real human hair.  If you like I can try to find it again. 

[Li Ling]

Hi all,

I really appreciate all the sharings & advise given. I have not got enough time to go through all the links but I have read through the symptom of SPD. I don't think she has this problem.

I never have any problems from her before when she was little. She was very obedient and well-behaved until last year. I believed she is jealous because I am too pre-occupied with her new born baby brother and at the same time trying to push for the limits.

The teachers told me about her misbehaviours and they did correct her on the spot. However, it seems that it is very difficult because she always need reminders. All the teachers are saying she is too active and outgoing. At school, her teachers are very firm with her. The teacher was telling me once that she is seeking for attention and told me to pay more attention to her. Ever since, I have tried my best to spend more time with her but I feel that she is getting from bad to worse. She always disturb her brother and play very rough with him. I am really concerned how is she going to cope when she goes to P1 next year. I am now trying very hard to spend as much time with her and be very very firm with her.

Once again, thank you all for the sharings.

[Twinergy]

Don't forget that play can be a very useful discipline too as well as a way to connect with your child.  If you don't already have playful "I love you" rituals try making something up, then give it a silly name so your DD can ask for attention in a positive way.  I highly recommend the book Playful Parenting, but if you don't have time for the whole book here is a preview at google books. http://books.google.com/books?id=45EdmajNtzIC&printsec=frontcover&dq=playful+parenting&hl=en&ei=gI0kTfrRDYGqsAPQ6PXzAQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CCcQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false

Another thing about play, according to child psychologist Lev Vygotski and his followers, it's how children learn self control.  Recent research, based on Vygotsky's theories, has shown that integrating 30 minutes daily of mature dramatic play into a kindergarten curriculum increases children's self control.  The program is called Tools of the Mind, and although you probably won't be able to find this program in your area you may be able to make sure she is getting the right kind of play at home.  Here is a link to their website that discusses what parents can do at home. http://www.mscd.edu/extendedcampus/toolsofthemind/parents/index.shtml

[Ouroboros1]

Thanks for the book recommendations--Gray and Cohen already on reserve at the library!

document.getElementById('recent_loading').style.display = 'none';document.getElementById('recent_page_box').style.display = '';

Page: 1/4  

Loading...

Members

• Total Members: 214818
• Latest: Umm M

Stats

• Total Posts: 110526
• Total Topics: 19136
• Online Today: 386
• Online Ever: 1027
• (September 01, 2025, 08:13:51 AM)

Users Online

• Users: 0
• Guests: 429
• Total: 429