Disciplining children

[prihem]

HELLO,
i am the mother of three children.my eldest son is almost 6 years old and my twin girls are almost 3 years old.all the three are very naughty.
i prefer to reason out with them when they do things like fighting,biting,hitting etc.,
but, by the end of the day i am so exhausted that i start to beat them and of course, they dont like it.
i feel very remorseful at the end of it.

what can i do?

[rixu]

i too read a lot on the topic  but most of them dose not satisfy.thanx alot for  the help and will try to get the book soon

[Laralinn]

I have 2 sons and could use some good discipline technics also. I've just ordered a book called "Kids are worth it". It's gotten good reviews.

[patreiche]

The problem I have is the way different people interact with my grandson. If I am able to discipline him and the parents do not. If I do not give him candy, and daddy does. It seems everyone competes for his love instead of doing what is best for the child. How do you deal with disciplining a child when others do not?

[hypatia]

I believe the parent has to be very clear in telling the carers, friends etc.. how to interact with their children. Sure, no one knows whether the carer will follow the instructions, but there needs to be consistency.

[wenjonggal]

I am currently interested in good books on parenting and discipline too. I am not anti-spanking, but would prefer non-coercive alternatives (I don’t want to replace physical punishment with psychological abuse which I think is worse), and recently ordered P.E.T., Parent Effectiveness Training, which has recently been revised. I have also been recommended Positive Parenting and 1-2-3 Magic, neither of which I have seen.

So I was interested in looking up the How to Train Up a Child book. I saw on the website that it is a very Christian religious organization, but that doesn’t mean anything if the material is good. So I then looked it up on Amazon.com and was rather appalled by extracts taken from the book in the reviews. I certainly have never seen a book get over 500 1-star reviews before, but more than that, it was the examples taken from the book itself (including page numbers) that turned me off this book. Whipping babies? Hitting wee children too young to know right from wrong? I really cannot imagine that children this young are capable of even knowing what they are doing, let alone that it is something they are being willfully disobedient to continue to do after many warnings. Choosing a switch with no knots to not break the skin? Choosing plumbing tubing to hit your child with? This isn’t “spanking”. I suppose it works, in the same way that any painful negative input will instill respect and change behaviour (I really respect my iron since burning my arm on it and never goof around using it), but it certainly isn’t isn’t an attitude I wish to use towards my child or any child.

I am sorry but I just want to warn people to check out How to Train Up a Child on amazon or other review sites, and consider carefully that even if they leave out the “pro-spanking”, it is something they wish to spend their money on and follow. http://www.amazon.com/Train-Up-Child-Michael-Pearl/dp/1892112000

[Joha]

English is not my native language, so if you don't mind, could you explain a bit more what you mean with a switch or a plumbing line? It just sounded horrifying to me and I may have misinterpreted it. 

[patreiche]

I agree it sounds horrifying to me too. Kind of like my neighbor who picked up her child and about drilled him into the ground. He was bad but how forceful do you need to be with your child to make them mind. He was 7 years old and willfully disobedient but I would have rather seen him spanked then drilled in the ground.

[MySunshine]

wow.. I better stay out of this one. because I m a strong believer of no spanking, non what so ever!!
IMHO, I feel that parents who spanks are parents who are lazy and rather take the short route instead of taking the time to explain or show their kids. I never want my kids to "submit" to me, Respect .. Yes, Submit ... No.
I also can never associate "joyful", "calm" and "loving" with Spanking your kids.
I used to help out at a youth center and most of the problem teens that I have met, are spanked (anywhere from light spanking to beaten) when they were a child. You might think that you have "trained" them to "obeyed" you when they were little. But you have no idea what kind of damage you have done to them psychologically.
If you have patience then you would not reduce to violence. maybe violence is a harsh word but I don't know what other words to use when I feel that spanking is bullying.

[jakim]

In-order to respond properly to the issue of "to spank or not to spank", one has to first familiarize themselves with the definition of spanking and abuse. Spanking is defined as a number of slaps on the buttocks delivered in rapid succession, while abuse is defined as to cause injury or hurt by maltreatment.

To the young lady who spoke of the kids in the centre where she previously worked, stating that a large percentage of them receive spanking while growing up is making a "GIANT" leap. If each child's background is investigated I am 99.9% positive that the correlation that people tend to see regarding spanking and violent behaviour is much deeper and there are many other factors, which are not taken into consideration that may have affected theses kids. People tend to zero in on spanking and automatically blame it for the end product (the child); maybe this is done for convenience.

I myself am I product of a spanking household growing up and I am not at a disadvantage compared to my counterparts who were not spank.

I think each parent has to make an inform decision, based on their individual background and their child when making a decision regarding spanking.

To automatically label a parent, as a bully is as irresponsible as those who beat their children until they are unconscious or scared or use 'beating' has an easy fix.

[MySunshine]

You know what I would have said if my child say that he hates me? I would ve kneel down to his level, look at him in his eyes and asked him why and tell him that when he say that to me it hurts me my feelings, tell him that I know that the toy look like a lot of fun, but we are not here to buy toys today and take him out. 
I would tell him before we even go into the toy store that we are not there to buy toys today or whatever the reason we are there and get him to agree with me before we go in.

I also can't make the association between spanking and teaching your child early. how can you even compare?

Sure, I have met many people who are spanked as child and they came out just fine, But I have also met many people who aren't spanked and they came out just fine too. To me then logically spanking is unnecessary if I can produce the same result without spanking.

Anyways I knew I should have stayed out of this one, someone took away my karma pt from me commenting on this post Waaaaaah. Oh well, botton line is we will agree to disagree.

[Twinergy]

Hi prihem,
It takes courage to come forward and ask for help like this so karma to you.  I'm sorry your question has gotten derailed by a debate on the merits of spanking, I know I would find this situation very frustrating.   I don't have the answers for you and I don't think you are going to find them in this forum.  You have already said that you prefer to reason with your kids and I find that this forum specializes in that type of gentle discipline.  The focus there is on raising emotionally intelligent children with intrinsic motivation and high self esteem so they can grow into adults that have the skills to better cope with stress that comes their way.  I have learned a lot by reading the advice there.  I think you will be able to find a lot of relevant support through your situation there from mamas that have a lot more experience than me.  You and your children deserve the help you are asking for.

[wenjonggal]

You’re right, Twinergy, and I’m giving Prihem a karma point too... thanks for the other forum suggestion. I’ll check it out. And perhaps post on the P.E.T. (Parent Effectiveness Training) book and its techniques once I have received and digested it. Thanks again everyone.

And no, I do not wish to start pinching my son in his upper arm... and I’m pretty sure he’d be very vocal about that too: “OW MOMMY! You PINCHED me! That HURT! Don’t pinch me, that’s not NICE! Be NICE to me mommy!”... really I don’t want to deal with entire stores staring at me while he loudly states that to me, revealing I am pinching. Currently I have already slapped his fingers when he gets tired of me telling him not to grab stuff off of store shelves (and yes, I DO discuss with him calmly first, and DO tell him again before going into the store, bending down on his level and getting his agreement, and he will even tell me before getting to the store: “No touch things in the store, no running, no shouting, ok”... and I do engage him with me in the shopping, and I do get down and explain to him he might just drop and break that nice $12 glass bottle of olive oil he has just grabbed at. And he HAS seen what can happen, ie the time he managed to grab four containers of bulk black olives and pitch them in the shopping cart on top of all the fruit and veg in their plastic bags, and they all opened and everything was plastic sopping in black olive juice. When he gets tired of being told not to touch, he stares me in the eyes with a defiant look, says “ I WANT to” and just blindly grabs out at anything as I push him by whether it is something he wants or not, breakable or not, dangerous to his fingers or not... ) Frankly I think it’s his personality... in ReadingEggs, he often points to the correct answer, and then says “I wonder what will happen if I click the wrong answer?” and is often delighted by the “oh oh, that was wrong!” or the supposedly dissuasive “beeep” indicating an error, and will repeat what he knows is an incorrect answer just because it amuses him. Sigh. At least he’s curious and inquisitive!

So I am looking for parenting and disciplining alternatives... not to replace slapping fingers with pinching. thanks anyways.

[patreiche]

Well I have seen the daddy of my grandson pinch his upper arm as you say. I have seen the bruises that it has caused. I seen my grandson look at his mommy knowing see will not take on this bully then look at grandma to see if she would defend him then run to grandpa crying. So if you think this is effective way to discipline your child and do not consider it abuse I feel sorry for you. The reason his mother and I did not take him on is because he is a bully out of control. I guarantee you if I see him do it again I will take him on. I have seen him do it twice. I am very seldom around daddy because I do not like him. Yes, my grandson minds around him because he is terrified of him. My daughter is not very observant and has no idea what he is doing. He hides the pinch and does not make it obvious. But you can tell by the bruises and the look on his face. I am only the grandparent but it pains me to watch this behavior. I have pointed it out to my daughter. She is not aware he is doing it. She only sees that Colin behaves around him. Now as a grandparent I do not feel that I should interfere but I will if I think Colin is getting hurt. But, I really think daddy should discuss this with my daughter and let her have a say in disciplining the child.

My grandson behaves like Wenjonggal explains, but I would like a better way of dealing with him then pinching his arm. Colin is a good child but a handful. He behaves well at his school and they do not hit him or pinch him. They just have consistent rules with him. So I feel it is possible to get him to mind without abusing him. I think the problem is there is not consistent rules at home and grandmas.

[Kimba15]

I like supernanny. She gets results, and her methods seem to work but like you im not anti-smacking. I was smaked I turned out fine, but smacking only lasts for so long and is a method I don't see as effective for the long term.

 I use the naughty corner I find that effective even with an 18month year old.

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