Do you let your child choose the time to sleep at night?

[babymum]

Hi, 

I need advise here..

My kid is 2.75months old. Starting 2 weeks ago, she refuses to go to her bed at night. She said she doesn't want to go to bed... Either she wants to go to another room for reading or stays at the living room. I can see that she is tired, but she just doesn't want to go to sleep... How she finally sleep?? ...Well , she will tire herself enough and fall asleep on the couch.... she just doesn't want to fall asleep on bed. That makes me really tired too as she does not allow me to lie down while she does her own stuff and wants me to read to her or accompany her ,... thus i have to be with her till she sleeps ... thats around 12+ to 1am+..

Last night, i tried to put her on the cot bed at around 10.30pm hoping to use a false kind of method to make her sleep. However , i was not successful... she cried and cried pleaded so pitifully that she wants to come out of her bed. She cried and screamed  and i  let her out after 30mins of crying

I'm not sure how should i do so that she won't feel i am not caring about her ? Should i allow her to choose her sleeping time and place to sleep or should i use the false method hopfully one day she will be tired of pleading and stay at her bed?

Help please.
 
Thanks.

[Mandabplus3]

1030 is far too late to start putting a child to bed. She is already over tired at this time and so are you so the tension and stress levels are too high.
No way should you let her choose her own sleep time. She is 2! She has no idea what is good for her nor any consideration as to what is good for you.
You need to set up a predictable routine and stick to it. Use whatever works for you in your family but our routine is this
Bath/ shower and PJs on 5:30 to 6:00
Dinner 6:00
Story 6:30 to 7:00 ( this is great as a reward for eating dinner without a fuss, it they stuff around it comes of their story time!)
Bed 7:00 sharp. I very very rarelymake any exceptions.  They don't stay up late on the weekend as this just stuffs up the routine for the weekdays.
You could push it back up to one hour but all kids really need a lot of sleep so I wouldn't put a 2 year old to bed any later than 8:00pm. Start putting her to bed earlier, and don't give up.
To make her settle easier try these ideas. Ensure she is warm and calm on entry to the bedroom. Play relaxing music, start putting her to bed at the first indication of tiredness, stick to your chosen routine in order, don't cave in or give up. It may be difficult for the first week. Feed dinner earlier. Children associate bedtime to the last meal they ate, don't feed late snacks, avoid sugar in the afternoons and evenings, reduce the noise level (after 6 is quiet time here) and dim the lights closer to bed time. NO TV after 5pm it is a stimulant for most kids.
Good luck!

[Korrale4kq]

I have 2 minds to this.....

As a former nanny I agree with Manda. Early to bed. 7-8pm. Set up a consistent routine and try and do the same thing each night. That way they anticipate it what comes next.

However, my son (3 years old in a month) doesn't go to bed until anywhere from 9-11 at night. Sometimes, although not often, later.  We are a second shift, (former third shift) family and don't get out of bed until 9-10am. And we used to do our grocery shopping at 3am. :O It was just our lifestyle. And it worked for all of us. 
Mind you, James has always been an exceptionally good sleeper and he has always put himself down to sleep when he is tired.  I  never have tantrums from him and I don't have to deal with any cranky over tiredness. When he is getting tired he lets me know and we start getting reading for night time, which includes some lengthy reading and cuddle. He always gets enough sleep.

So I think it depends on the child. But you want to monitor them for signs of tiredness. And you want to her her in bed before over tiredness because that is when they fight it.

[Mandabplus3]

Oh yes, I agree. If your life style is a little left of the middle then adjust the times to suit. If you all don't get up until 10 am then 10 pm is a good time to put your child to bed. Same as if you all get up at 5 am them 7:00 pm might be too late for some kids. ( my kids get up at 5 am, I refuse to get out of bed until 6:00! 

[MarthaT]

We instituted a bedtime routine that really works, we can alter bedtime by up to 2 hours and as long as we do the routine (bath, lotion/massage/ bottle) she'll sleep the whole night

[babymum]

These few days , she refused to take afternoon nap either... although i can see her feeling tired. But i don't really push her to take nap now... hopefully she can take an early sleep at night. And it works... yesterday  she slept at 9.30pm and wakes up at 8.30pm this morning. In total per day she sleeps about 11   hours. Is this too little for a 2.75mths kid?

[Mandabplus3]

That's about what my kids used to sleep. They probably did a little less, but they were unusual. Glad you found a healthier solution.
Oh for the record my three children all dropped their regular naps at age 2. They had them occasionally ( once a week or less) if they had a late night or a poor sleep. I was once told smart kids don't sleep their brains are too busy. I have to agree 

[PY]

Well, I have a 4.5 years old that has to be in bed by 9pm and a 4 month old baby that has to be on bed at 8pm. otherways they become difficult and we all get stressed.
I never had a problem with both kids putting them down.
I try to be consisted all the time, also warn the kids 10 minutes before getting ready..in 10, or 5 minutes we are going to get ready for bed ok, so finish what you doing.
Also it is very important that you do physical activity with them, dancing, go to the park, walks, your kids may not be tired to go to sleep?

[Tanikit]

My eldest (5 years old) needs to go to bed by 19:30 though depending on how the day has been we do sometimes stretch it a little later. The youngest is still napping during the day though irregularly - (some days she naps and some days she does not) and her nap determines what time she goes to bed - anything from 19:00 til 22:00 though she does not really determine it herself - I feed her to sleep when I think it is the best time depending how long she has napped and how awake she is. The eklest is an early riser waking before 06:00am and the youngest will often sleep til almost 09:00.

[nic31600]

My daughter is nearly 3 and a half and ever since she turned 2, she doesn't seem to need much sleep. I did let her go to bed when ever she wanted when I say that I mean I would have her sit in bed and read but she just happened to fall asleep when she happened to just fall asleep, I wasn't strict about it. If she got out of bed and proclaimed she wasn't tired, I wasn't strict about it. She was really good when she was younger with her routines but something changed and she doesn't need much sleep and she is one big ball of energy so it's too much for me to handle. I have become more strict with her now but the problem is my husband lets her watch TV when he's in our bedroom watching TV on his laptop and it's like 21:30pm. I tell him all the time no TV after 18.30pm but doesn't listen. I say one thing and he does the opposite so I have to be strict now with both of them. My daughter generally falls asleep anytime between 21:30-23:00. I've never been happy with this but my husband seems to be the bigger problem. She generally wakes up anywhere between 06:30-10.15am. She struggled getting up every morning at 06.45 for Kindergarten because going to bed really late the night before but I'm working on my husband first before I can work on her. He also gives her lots and lots of sugar before bed. I have tried getting her tired. Just the other week she spent 4.5 hours running around a kids park just to put her to bed (19:00pm) when we got home, I was physically drained but as soon as we got home she was STILL running around and didn't end up going to bed until 23.00pm. I had put her to bed at 19:00pm. Don't let it get to this point. Be firm with a routine

[audrachloe]

Although my son is only 5 months old, we try to keep routine.  I have found the routine to be important.  It is a way to show them that the time to go to bed is approaching.  We are a late to bed/sleep in family.  I don't stress a lot over bedtime, but he is normally a pretty good sleeper. He generally goes to sleep within an hour of his normal bedtime.  I allow naps as he needs them. I think the key is catching cues before they get overtired. Being overtired makes him an absolute mess.  I have found that I spend twice as much time getting him to sleep if he is overtired.  I am sure that things will change with age, especially when we start school, but for now what I am doing works.

[mybabyian]

I used the No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers (also read the one for babies).  It did us a lot of good.  Sleep is so important but can be so difficult.  I really do recommend that book if you can.  You might have it in your library.

Here is a chart on how much a child should sleep.  It looks like at her age she might need between 12 and 13 hours.  Of course each kid is different, but I think it is probably better to assume that she is probably not different to be sure she is getting enough sleep:

http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-much-sleep-does-your-child-need_64915.bc

Age           Nighttime sleep   Daytime sleep   Average total sleep
2 years   10 to 12 hours   1 to 3 hours (1 nap)   13 hours
3 years   9 to 12 hours   1 to 3 hours (1 nap)   12 to 13 hours
4 years   9 to 12 hours   0 to 2.5 hours (1 or no nap)   11 to 12 hours
5 years   8 to 11 hours   0 to 2.5 hours (1 or no nap)   10 to 11 hours
6 years   10 to 11 hours   none   10 to 11 hours
7 years   10 to 11 hours   none   10 to 11 hours
8 years   10 to 11 hours   none   10 to 11 hours
*Note: The two sets of numbers don't always add up because children who take longer naps tend to sleep fewer hours at night, and vice versa.

Although we did use the no cry sleep solution (and it helped a lot) I still could not put him in bed awake and have him fall asleep on his own.  I feel my son is old enough for me to be able to talk to him about what I expect from him.  So recently when he has not wanted to go to bed and cries for me to pick him up I let him know I understand he wants me to pick him up and I am sorry he doesn't want to go to bed (never underestimate the power of empathy) but that it is time for him to sleep.  If he keeps crying I tell him I am going to be right there with him (not in bed with him - he's still in a crib) but that its time to sleep.  I just keep restating that it is time to sleep, I am not leaving him, and that I understands he wants up.  He doesn't cry for very long because he does know I am still there and I feel like he does understand.

I think kids really do need the structure and they feel safer when they can count on you to be firm with them.

Good luck!  I hope you both get the rest you need!

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