behavioral problems in a young toddler

[nhockaday]

My son has always been very needy and fussy. He always needed to be held almost constantly, couldn't fall asleep without being held, cried a lot as an infant, etc. I thought it was colic, but now I'm not so sure. He is 13 months and he is acting out like a 2 or 3 year old. He has never been in daycare or even been around other children, so this is not a learned behavior. He has always had a lot of love, attention and care.
He has frequent tantrums when things are not going his way. Something as simple as me putting him down on the floor can set it off. He'll be sitting with me and start squirming and fussing and acting like he wants to get down, so I put him down. Then he will start screaming at the top of his lungs, so much that he will start gagging. I ignore it, but he will not stop. Sometimes it will go on even if I pick him up. He will arch his back and squirm and scream away. These tantrums are happening more and more lately.
He constantly defies me. He does things that he knows he is not allowed to do. I tell him no, and he still does it. I know that toddlers do this to test you and assert their independence, but it seems excessive with him.
He inflicts pain on himself and others. He used to bang his fist on his head when he was younger. I thought it was just a phase, and he did eventually outgrow it, but now he will bang his head on something, sometimes making himself cry. He also pulls his own hair, as well as my hair. He has also been biting himself lately.
He also seems delayed in some areas, such as walking and talking.

I am worried that he may have a behavioral problem such as oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder, or something. It just seems that he is too young for such a diagnosis. I would like to know if any of your children have exhibited similar problems or behaviors. I know that some of you will say it's just a phase or normal, but like I said, it seems quite serious, and I am growing more worried about it.

[linzy]

Sounds like he may just be a a high-need child.  My sister's son is the same way, and it can be exhausting.  Here is a checklist that is meant to aid in identifying high-need children:

Here are some characteristics of high need children and ways as parents to help them.

1. Supersensitive

High need children are very alert to changes in their environment, especially sudden ones, and they usually dislike them intensely. They may be afraid to visit new places, meet new people, etc. They tend to thrive on a familiar, routine day, and anything out of the ordinary upsets them.

Physically, many high need children may have sensitivity to clothing. Tags, seams, synthetic fabrics, and other clothing items may be intolerably itchy to them. Don’t dismiss their complaints; while these things may not bother you, they can drive a sensitive child to tears.

2. Intense

High need children are often very energetic in everything that they do. They cry louder, laugh louder, and play harder and longer than other children. Everything is a big deal, and they approach life with gusto. This trait has its ups and downs: while something mildly funny will be totally hilarious to them, something mildly negative will seem like the end of the world to them.

3. In demand of constant attention

High need children want and need attention, and they will not be ignored. This is not a child you can leave in the crib to fuss for a few moments to see if he/she might go back to sleep; he/she wants attention. If the child wants you to hold him/her, he/she won’t be put off by books, toys, or someone else’s attention. You will find that this child has no compunctions against letting these demands be known, for he/she will let you know quite loudly.

4. In need of physical contact very often

High need children, especially as babies, need a lot of physical contact. This may manifest as fussing when they are put down, needing to eat often and long, refusing to go to sleep, or any combination of the three. High need children will often sleep better in bed with their parents so that they can maintain contact all night long.

5. Constantly active

High need children are often in motion, flitting from one thing to another, hardly ever sitting down and focusing on one thing for a period of time. This should not be confused with hyperactivity; rather, it is just “high energy” manifesting itself. As babies, before they can move much on their own, they will probably prefer to be walked, bounced, rocked, and more to fill this need. Make sure they are provided with lots of activities during the day, and during the early years don’t despair when they don’t want to sit still for books or finger games.

6. Draining on your energy

All of that intenseness and high energy can be quite draining on the parents who must stay one step ahead of their child at all times. The need for constant physical contact can be very wearing for the father or mother who just wants 10 minutes of time to him/herself and never gets it. It’s hard to believe that a person 1/5th the size of an adult can have 5 times the energy, but it certainly seems that way when you deal with such a child day in and day out.

7. Uncuddly

Some high need children do not like to feel “bound” by cuddling or being tucked in. These are the kids who don’t like to be swaddled, don’t like to be cuddled tightly, and certainly can’t stand the car seat. Some may like to be cuddled, but only on their terms.

8. Unpredictable

High need children constantly surprise you with new things that seem to be designed to drive you mad. What comforted them yesterday may not work today. Their sleep patterns may vary drastically from week to week. It’s sort of like a daily poker game: you never know what you’re going to draw from one day to the next.

9. Constantly feeding, especially nursing

High need children don’t generally fit into the 2 1/2 to 3 hour feeding routine into which most babies fall. Most want to be latched on seemingly forever. Some of this relates to their need for close physical contact; nursing fills that need quite nicely. They may also have a need for sucking (which is a normal baby need) beyond what they get from eating. If they don’t like pacifiers, they may turn you into a human pacifier, employing “comfort sucking” rather than real eating.

10. Frequently waking up at night

High need children are often difficult to get to sleep in the first place, and then they will usually wake frequently during the night. Don’t expect them to start sleeping through the night by the average of 3 months, and probably not even by 6 months. While you can work with them to some extent, it may be 2 or 3 years before they totally sleep through the night.


It sounds like it could include your son.  Often their behavior is because they don't know exactly what they want and thus they want up and then find that doesn't make them happy and then they want down and that doesn't make them happy either.  So, they get frustrated and cry.  I read studies somewhere (I'll see if I can find them) general children like this end up being quite interesting and intelligent (not oppositional/defiant) because they are so busy they take in a lot of input/stimulation. I don't think your son has a personality problem I think he is just frustrated.

[nhockaday]

Thanks for the info, but only a couple of those criteria fit his personality. Karma to you anyways.

[THen]

Dear nhockaday,

I am sorry to hear of your difficulties.  It must be frustrating seeing the little one you love so much being so misserable.  If, at a check-up, the doctor doesn't see any medical problems, I would work on teaching your son to have self control.  I know this sounds strange, but it is definately a learned skill (harder for some to learn than others).  In love, and wanting what is best for your son, I would set boundries and explain them to him, then enforce them.  When he learns that Mama's word is trustworthy (that what she say will happen, and that there will be consequesnces to his actions), after time, your boy should learn to control himself.  Never let negative behavior have a postitive result (ie. He gets what he wants after he whines or has a tantrum ... you see it often in supermarkes, "Moooommmmmy, but I waaaaaaannnnnnt it!" and then the child gets what she wants).  If negative behavior is encouraged through our reactions, they will continue and perhaps escalate.  Even if our reaction is just getting irritated or sad (he may be happy that we're unhappy, since he is). 

If the child is having a tantrum, I would put him in a place that is safe (playpen? Have him wear long sleeves if he is into biting) and calmly tell him that he can come out when he can be happy.  (I personally would do a little more training than that, but understand not everyone believe in such discipline [calm and loving though it be].)  I understand that he may hurt himself and hope to gain sympathy.  Work hard to make it counter productive.  A simple, calm, "that must hurt.  You shouldn't do that," and leaving him alone may help over time. 

I do not believe that it is a phase, I think that it will escalate if he is not trained to control himself.  A child that learns self control and contentment under Mommy and Daddy's loving authority is a happy child.  If the child has been in the control station, he will be frustrated and angry.  He is not prepared for such a big job.  Lovingly take away the job and be the boss.  Let him be a baby that can eventually relax and let you handle the decisions.  It will take a while.  But just as reading is a learned skill and takes a while to learn (but has great benefits), controlling one's self can be learned and result in a happy boy and happy parents.

I know DommanMom has refered to www.nogreaterjoy.com before.  I also find it to be a wonderful resource, and their child training book to be very helpful. 

Having 5 boys (some more difficult than others), I know that it is difficult to teach them something that seems so against their will at times.  However, I also know that it will help them so much as they grow older and become adults.  My older boys are now 12 - 6.  They are usually very happy.  They have learned that self control blesses them and others.  I am still working with my 1 year old.  He has learned the meaning of the word "no" and has learned to control himself, most of the time.  I am pretty relaxed and I don't say "no" too often.  But he knows I mean it when I say it.  (This means he can be across the room, wanting to play with an outlet, and I will say, "no" and he will stop, stare at the outlet and sigh.  He used to cry, knowing he wanted it but couldn't have it.)  I can keep him out of danger, and he can happily move onto something better to do.  Oh, and of course there is positive reinforcement.  We clap and cheer and make a great fuss after he shows self control (not touching the outlet).  He gets a big grin and claps his hands. 

I know we love our babies and want them to be happy.  Perhaps you do not like what I have said, but I say it out of love and hope some of what I said can be of help. 

[nhockaday]

I have studied psychology in school, so I know and practice many of the things you mention. Lately, I have been putting him in his crib and shutting his bedroom door when he has been having his tantrums. I tell him I will get him when he calms down. After I hear him acting a little calmer, I go in and ask if he's settled down and can be nice. I give positive reinforcement when he listens, but lately, he has been testing my authority more and more. I hate to have to say no, but he purposely does things he is not supposed to. "No" seems to not mean a thing anymore. Like earlier, he was standing at my chair pulling my arm hairs. I told him "no" calmly and that it hurt and we don't pull hair. I removed his hand, and he quickly started doing it again. I said "No" firmly after that and set him on the floor. Then the tantrum started. I never enforce the negative behaviors.

Thank you for your response.

[nhockaday]

I have popped him a couple of times (like yesterday when he managed to tip the Christmas tree over, which I caught about 1 second before falling on top of him. I had just told him not to mess with it a couple of times). I really don't want to do it, but sometimes I think it's necessary. I just worry that it will encourage anger or hitting. He already has these anger problems, and I don't want to add to it.

[patreiche]

When Colin was younger about your baby's age he did similar things, not quite as bad as what you are describing. He grew out of it. I think it was frustration and trying to learn so many things. He wants to be all grown up and is all boy. The fact he couldn't communicate and trying to learn so much caused some of his bad behavior. It seemed like he was going out of his way to do what he was not suppose to do. Changing his diaper was a nightmare. I just gradually worked on his bad behavior with misdirection and he eventually stopped. It took a while. He occasionally reverts and test again. Just be consistent with him and find some way to redirect him without correcting him so much. Wish you luck it took me a month or so and as he reaches a new level we tend to go through the same lessons with each new level of learning. Now his major thing to do is to throw food on floor when he is done. So it is always a challenge.

At this young age I think redirection is the way to go. My grandchild will misbehave if I am not paying attention to him, so I try to do my things while he is occupied with a video or sleeping. If you pay attention to their bad behavior in anyway seems to encourage it, I would suggest try redirecting him to a good behavior and teach him how to be happy. Has been working for me and mine is an attention junky and very stubborn.  He can be very trying at times, but he is also the most lovable child you would ever want to meet. So I try to bring out his good side. The more you can encourage the good side by playing with him, reading to him, whatever he likes the better. Teach him to be happy. Boys can be a hand full at times.

Games we play. He has fun and learns.
1. We have a Gymboree drum and moroccas  and march around the house working on things like go, stop, fast, slow. Opposites are taught well through play. That is how Gymboree teaches words.

2. Finger plays and nursery rhymes.

3. Throw a heavy blanket over him and ask where he went. Peek-a boo kind of. He loves it.

4. bubbles

Just need to find interesting ways to entertain him while you teach him and I am sure his behavior will improve.

[THen]

I think patreiche has some great ideas.  Because we do not use our "no" ticket too often, we do a lot of, "Doesn't this look life fun/better idea," too. 

And we would never use spankings in trying to teach skills (academics, music, athletics...).  It is mostly saved for self control/obedience issues.  Just like we don't give yucky medicines or shots unless we have thought the issue through and deem it to be more useful than the discomfort it causes, we wouldn't do it. 

I also appreciate much of the http://www.loveandlogic.com/ approach.  If you know a task is unliked by a child, give the child two choices (both of which you like - "Would you like to try eating your peas with a spoon or with a fork?" or perhaps, "Would you like to brush mommy's arm hairs with a brush or wipe it with a towel?").  The child then can take some ownership of the situation.  They have other good ideas, too. 

I love hearing from experienced moms and grandmothers!  Thanks again patreiche!

[nhockaday]

Patreiche, Gabriel already throws his food on the floor when he's done or doesn't like it. I have tried redirection, but it doesn't work. If he's getting into trouble and I try to redirect him, he will either ignore me or start a fit. He wants nothing to do with anything else when he's getting into trouble. And if he's having a fit, he wants nothing to do with anything.

[patreiche]

It sounds like you should seek some professional advice to me. I know how trying Colin is and your problem sounds much worse. Better to get some help as young as you can before the problem gets much worse. I am getting assistance from professionals with Colin and I welcome all the help I can get. The two kids sound similar in many respects. My cousin is a behavior specialist. I have been trying to get her to join the group. She has presentations she can upload geared for children with learning disabilities and behavior problems. She doesn't have a baby. I think she would be valuable to the group with her advice. She could maybe use some of the presentation here for her kids she helps. She works for the government. I am struggling with same thing. Are you teaching sign language that is what they are doing with Colin? We have taught him the sign all done. We are trying to get him to use the sign versus throwing his food on the floor. We only give him a little food at a time. Get him to use the sign for more. Sign language and better communication skill seems to be helping but we still have some issues. He use to try to jump off the top of couch. I was afraid he was going to hurt himself. If he is doing anything which he can hurt himself with there is an immediate reaction from me. If he is hurting me I try not to react too much. He arches his back and has tantrums when he doesn't get his way. But being consistent they decrease over time.

[nhockaday]

I have been signing with him since he was 6 months old. I have been watching baby signing time with him for the last month b/c he had failed to sign back at that point. He knows a couple of signs now. All done and more were some of the first signs I ever showed him, and he still doesn't use them. I don't really understand it. He is good with his hands and fine motor skills, so I don't know why he doesn't sign.

[patreiche]

You have to not give him the food till he says more. He will do it. You use something he really likes cookie, banana whatever. Give him one. Then show him sign for more. Make his hands do the sign and then give it to him. Wait for him to do sign for more when you ask him. Repeat by making his hands do the sign. He learns more sign gets him what he wants he will do it. Same thing with all done. When you are playing and all done show him sign. He wants out of high chair show him sign etc. That is how they taught him and since he has watched video he should pick up quickly. Colin also learned open this way.

Hope this helps.

[Sapna1322]

Thanks for info to all of u

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