How to Raise a Shy Child

[Krista G]

If you want your child to be shy, be sure to comment on their shy behavior anytime they display actions that could be interpreted as shy.  If you continually tell people that your child is shy in front of them and in front of others, you will be certain to have a shy child.

My nephew is 14 years old.  When he was a baby and a toddler he would not speak when he was spoken to.  If you said hello to him he would not respond and his mother would say he is shy.  She has done this all his life.  If you try to talk to him, she will say so he can hear, "Ah, this boy, he is so shy.  I don't know what is wrong with him."

I truly believe that she has trained her child to be shy because she focused on the behavior and confirmed that behavior in him.  He never even spoke a word to me until he was 10 years old, and that is only because he was buying something from me.  I recently had the opportunity to see him again.  Now he is 14 years old.  He still will not speak to people when they address him.  He just gets a strange look on his face and shrugs his shoulders to avoid having to speak.

I think this is so sad.  His parents have had trouble with him being easily mislead and they say this is because he is shy.  His mother says he recently got involved in cutting himself and burning himself with ice and salt because some kids at school have been able to persuade him that this is a good idea.

If you want your child to be outgoing and social, stress the behavior you want with your child.  If someone says hello to your child and they do not respond, discuss this with them afterwards and tell them that they are expected to say hello and answer basic questions cheerfully.  Praise your child when they demonstrate behavior that you want to see more of and have mock conversations with your child to train them to greet people in a way that is acceptable to you.  Don't hesitate to dole out consequences for less than acceptable behavior.  Children can be easily molded through praise and encouragement.

[patreiche]

Well I think the problem is if you let your child be weird and not fit in with other children they will hang out with the other misfits which are usually trouble. But there is problems being with the socialites too. I think the safest place is with the musicians and the exceptional students.

[nhockaday]

I agree, Krista. I used to hate when people would make comments about me being shy. "Oh, she's just shy" and so on. Just like the many other comments that adults made to me when I was a kid, not thinking I understood. If you continually hear something said about you, it can become you, especially when you are young and impressionable.

I wouldn't say that I am shy anymore, just reserved. I would rather keep to myself. I don't see the need to engage in small talk with people I don't know or barely know.

[hypatia]

In general, we should avoid commenting on a child in front of them, even if they are tiny and we think they don't understand us, because they do.
This is actually very hard to do.. and we often forget that children are always listening to us, even if they appear busy playing while you have coffee with a friend. I caught myself commenting about the weight of my 18mo today. Obviously she goes not understand the concept of weight or what's considered ok or not, but she might feel like i'm disagreing with who she is.
When i watch shows like Super Nanny for example and the mums comment, with the child next to them 'he's probably going to bite me now if i take the toy away from him' or 'Oh no, he would NEVER eat vegetables..'.. you just wonder what goes on in the kids head, with the mum reinforcing the behaviour.

[Baining]

MMM, this is sad.  I agree!  Don't compare your kids to others, highlight their strengths and for goodness sake don't pass on our own issues to them! 

[garry]

This is so true. a child creates impressions about the world when he/ she is born itself.

we need to counsel them and show the benefits of mingling with people.
I say to my daughter, " If you do not speak how will people know you are a smartie?"

"If you express what you want people will give that to you, but if you dont, you dont get what you could."

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