Is a one child family ok?

[Celeste]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to know what your opinions were on a one child family. I have a daughter and everyone is pressuring me to have another because an 'only child is a lonely child'. For various reasons, including financial, my husband and I are not sure about having another. The main reason why we would  have another is so that our daughter wont be lonely. What are your opinions on this issue?

[anjie]

Hi Celeste,

You are not alone wondering whether your child will be 'lonely'.  Count on me too...
http://forum.brillkids.com/coffee-corner/is-having-a-second-child-important/
thatz me..
Well I still haven't decided to go for a second one as I am not sure whether I would be able to devote so much time for the second one.  I want to start working when my son is 3 and goes to school.  From what I observed single child usually shed their childish tones and start behaving like an adult, if they are spending time more time with adults.  Once they start schooling, these problems just wade off.  Again its a matter of personal choice.  Just go through the thread and I hope it will help you.

anjie

[qisdhi mom]

my advice is if you CAN to have another child,can pregnant, can take care, can give loves to your child, please plan to have more baby.child is a gift from god, don't worry about the financial,of course you have to plan, but trust me,mine also,not stable in financial,but it become better and better when I got more baby.It's a gift!I believe the more we sacrifice,the more we will get!

conclusion is; only one child is not enough and not ok!   

[Celeste]

Thank you for your reply. I would love to  have lots of children but as I mentioned before, there are several issues militating against it such as finances and my husband isnt that keen.

Thanks once again.
xx

[Celeste]

Thank you Anjie. It's heartening to know that others have the same concerns.

xx

[Indidee]

Hi
I too have a daughter who has just turned 1 1/2 and although I am not being "pressured" by family, I have tons of friends, acquaintances and total strangers who have been insisting on giving me the advise that "ONE CHILD IS NOT OK".  This is my view - and I am sure tons will disagree with me and thats OK. Before I begin, I would LOVE TO HAVE another child and i am in perfect health and condition to have one and financially OK as well.

My mother is the 1 person in the world who discourages the thought.  I am the elder of 2 children (I have a brother after me) and things have not been easy for my parents to bring up the two of us.  My brother also hasnt turned out to be what one might call "the ideal son" (in India).  So, to a large extent, my parents feel very disappointed and even betrayed by his unwillingness or inability to care for them.  They would much rather (according to them today) have had a daughter after me or none at all.

My mother's arguments are - and with my experience I am afraid, I have little to refute - that having another child MIGHT NOT ACTUALLY be good for the first child considering
1) during times of financial difficulties - one would have to split finances and facilities and benefits between 2 rather than giving it all (all the best of everything) to just 1 child
2) the second child MIGHT come with umpteen number of health problems - I might have been VERY LUCKY with the first child even at my age but might not get so lucky with my second child
3) the second child, for all we know, might turn out to be a liability on the first child - if not during the younger years - then maybe later in life. 
4) As a working mother, I have major guilt pangs that I am not giving enough time to my daughter - how can I justify another child and where will I get the time from for both - i will end up stealing that from my first child as well

All this will end up having a traumatic effect on my daughter - who is not the one asking for the second child - by the way.  Her requirement in lfie is only an excuse for a second child.

She then goes on to cite examples of loads of people we know who have just 1 child and the children are very happy, successful and most importantly complete people - at peace with themselves as well as the world at large.

Nett nett, though I understand the compulsions of having a second child for my daughter alone (I had a wonderful childhood with my brother as a companion even though we barely even played together but today we have drifted so apart - its difficult to bridge the gap sometimes), I would still think twice before having my second baby - and I STILL AM THINKING.

[Celeste]

Dear Indidee,
Thank you for taking the time out to write such a detailed answer.

xxx
Celeste

[mommy_rn]

I'd like to point out an alternate viewpoint.

First of all, if you truly feel that you are incapable of providing for another child, please do not have one. There are certainly worse things in life than being an only child.

However, I happen to feel that siblings are an important part of life for many reasons and that the decision to have only one should not be undertaken out of fear only... most fears tend to be unfounded.

I'm a pediatric RN and the mother of seven... Alison is 16-1/2, Joseph is 13, Jonathan is a few weeks shy of 11, Amber is 8, Amanda is 5, Arielle is 3-1/2 and baby Patrick is due to make his arrival in a couple of weeks.

I've worked many areas of the hospital, including SICU (surgical ICU). When I worked in SICU I noted that when my patient was an elderly person, one of two situations almost invariably presented. The first was that the person had one or maybe two children. This was overwhelming for their adult children who were attempting to a) be there for whichever parent was ill; b) be there for the other parent; c) tend to their own families of teens or tweens; d) maintain their jobs... they always looked beyond stressed out on top of the inevitable stresses caused by the surgery/illness/impending death itself.

The second situation was when the elderly person or couple had a larger than "average" family... the kids would quickly develop a schedule of sorts, someone was always with the patient, someone was always with the other parent, and they sort of just naturally "divvied up" the necessary chores of tending to their own families and jobs.  Yes, of course they were often stressed or saddened by the immediate situation, but there was a definite difference in the level of stress caused by attempting to maintain their own lives... the old adage of "many hands make the work light"...

I may not have the most material possessions to give my children, but I happen to believe that the greatest gifts I have given them in life are... each other. When Steven and I have passed on, they will have each other. They are each other's best friends, always have been. And, because of the sheer necessities of life in a large family, they have great attitudes about pitching in and being there for each other.

Does each child get as much of my attention as they otherwise would? Probably not. However, it is more than made up for with the amount of attention they get from each other. I'm miserably huge right now, par for the course at this point in pregnancy. My 16 year old offered to make dinner. The 13 year old is cleaning as his sister cooks and prepping the table. The 11 year old is reading his baby sisters a book.

At a family party a few weeks ago, a distant aunt on Steven's side commented that she had never seen a 13 year old boy take such good care of his younger sisters (he was slathering them with sunscreen before they went out to the pool).

Yes, with more children there are more possibilities for problems. However, there are no guarantees in life. You could have a perfectly healthy child now who later develops a horrible disease and dies (I see it every day... the hardest part of my job.) I'm not trying to fear monger, just showing that the fear mongering already being done always has a flip side.

With more children there are more possibilities as well... more blessings.... more hugs, more kisses, more opportunities.

Not everyone is meant to have seven children (or more, God willing, I hope!) but the rationale for a certain family size should not be based on fear....

[Celeste]

Thank you mommy_rn for you excellent advice.

[qisdhi mom]

its ok celeste,don't worry to much,be happy and take a good care of your baby...   

[momtomany]

Lots of people later regret that they didn't have more kids while they could.... on the other hand, lots of people have unplanned additions to their family and you don't hear it too often that someone is sorry that child came along.  Many times I say to people "It's always enough and never too many".  If there is any little part of you that would like to have another child, I'd say go for it and don't worry about how it'll work out... as mommy_rn pointed out, the lesser attention you're able to give each child individually is made up with the companionship and help they give each other.  When you have that child you are going to wonder how you could ever have thought of not having him/her.... any money/time sacrifices you will make because of the new baby will seem totally worth it, just like you feel about the time and efforts you've made for your first baby.  I'm expecting #7 also, and I'm always amazed at how much each child adds to my life... they add joys of course, but also they add personal growth.  With one I really learned to be a bit more organized, with another I really learned to trust God more, with another I was quite motivated to learn all I could about early learning philosophies, with another I learned to be a bit more patient with the toddlers, with another I learned to put aside some of my own hobbies for a while... with each one I enjoy watching them develop and grow and I can marvel and appreciate the miracle of it all even more.  Hopefully I'm learning to be a better mother after all these years, and if I have a little less time for them individually, maybe I'm using my time better now.

But if you've made up your mind that you are happy with the one child you have and don't want more, then don't let fear or others decide for you to have another either.  Children aren't 'socialized' from each other.... from each other they can only learn to behave like immature children.  Children are socialized from the adults in their life... that's where they learn appropriate behaviours from.  I know one person with an only child who would love to homeschool her child.... she believes it is a great thing to homeschool.... but she sends her child to school because she is worried about his socialization.  I believe that healthy socialization happens when children spend time with people of all ages.... not so much with 30 kids the same age as they are.  (My point... maybe it's not such a big deal for their socialization if they don't have siblings).  The only disadvantages I can see with having an only child is that as parents get older, they don't always have the energy to play all day with their child... but children need to play... so having siblings takes some of the need to give attention off the parents' shoulders.  (This point became obvious to me when our 3rd child was hospitalized for several days when he was 2 years old.... after 3 or 4 days he was up on his feet again already and I had to entertain him all day long... I was exhausted!  I didn't realize what a great job his older sisters did just keeping him entertained so much).  Also, maybe only-children get used to being the center of attention... the one getting preference all the time... children with siblings must learn to share and wait their turn and so on... but if parents of only-children are aware of this, then I think they can do a fine job to make sure their child isn't being 'spoiled' and teach these important values to them.... it's just that with siblings it's learned naturally out of necessity.... with only one child maybe it would take a little more conscious effort.  But I've seen plenty of only-children (often not by choice) that are well-adjusted happy kids.  But in a society where it isn't popular to choose to have only one child, then anything that is different about your child (maybe she'll stutter, or sleepwalk, or be unusually shy.... any difference at all-- all children have differences with or without siblings)... because you chose to have only one child people will look to that as the cause of the characteristic.  We made a different choice from the norm to have a large family and to homeschool... so anything different about our kids and it's 'blamed' on one of those two things of course.  Oh well, those are the choices we made and I think they were the right choices for us and I believe they were good choices for our kids too.... I don't worry about what other people think, and you shouldn't either.

[Indidee]

I guess I have to agree.  If I am happy with my daughter and think I am doing MY best for her (as much as I always think it isnt enough), then I should go ahead and keep her happy - whether or not she is the only child.  Just like any other parent though, I hope I always give her the best of what she can have and bring her up well.
Indidee

[Celeste]

Thank you for your wonderful advice MomtoMany!

xxxx

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