My daughter is very rough with animals, she won't listen

[nic31600]

My daughter, who will be fast approaching 3 years of age, is disrespectful to animals, mostly to cats. I see that she is more rough with them then any other animal she has encountered, except she hit a horse on it's hind leg and nothing I am doing is working to discourage her behaviour.

This is what I am doing so far that isn't working.

We practise together the right way to handle and pet an animal by using a stuffed toy like a stuffed cat, stuffed dog etc.

When I witness the bad behaviour, I tell her that animals need to be respected and they don't like to be treated that way and she get's time out or something she loves taken away from her or I give her a warning that if she behaves that way again, we will go straight home (if we are out somewhere) and we will not be coming back that day and will receive no privilege.

She is gentle with animals WHEN she WANTS to be. There are 3 possible reasons where she is getting this behaviour from. She is learning from watching the Simpsons, the way Homer and Bart strangle each other and the way the cat and mouse are with each other. My husband says there is no violence in the Simpsons! I Never let her watch TV unless it's educational and there he is playing Xbox games where he is shooting people and having her watch the Simpsons and other cartoons that depict violence! She does not see this often but often enough for her to maybe remember. I told my husband to stop.

Second possibility is that she is learning from my in-laws who encourage her to pull their dogs tail by laughing when she does whilst saying no that's not right, says nothing to her when pokes him in the ears or annoys him when he is trying to sleep and when they tell her no that is not nice, they are laughing at the same time because they also think it's cute that the dog is scared of her and she is getting confused because I am encouraging the opposite. When I told them how I feel, they laughed it off that nothing bad could ever happen and there is nothing really wrong with it. Again, she does not see the dog anymore because he died and that was about 7 months ago but saw that dog often enough. She has seen their new dog once and she did this too him too and he gave her a nip on the hand like a warning and then he came and knocked her down about half an hour later and then came charging at her when I moved her away and shoved the dog aside, then I got yelled at for it. My main possibility is this one.

Third possibility. My sister-in-law once slapped me in the face when my daughter was in my arms. This happened a long time ago, when she was a baby, I don't think she could remember that but maybe she could?

Excuse the length of my thread post but it has become a problem. I respect animals so does my husband. Any ideas? In-laws don't listen so that could a problem if that is where she getting it from.

[MamaOfWill]

I'm one for positive discipline, we don't use or intend on using any forms of punishment with our children.  My first and only child is only 15 months, so I can't really talk from experiance, but you can read this blog to put you on a new trail of thought:

http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2007/05/toddlers-and-hitting-stage.html

I think you're doing very good with your little one, I think if you continue with your current ways of teaching her how to handle animals with respect, she will learn, maybe you just need to be patiant with her for some more time.  I can understand if you want quick results, because this can be dangerous for her. 

Good luck with finding answers!

[nic31600]

Thanks for the link. Generally, I'm not the shouting type, I raise my voice firmly and tell her to stop or we will leave, but today, I did the one thing I shouldn't have done and shouted and I spanked her on the bottom, which I never thought I'd ever do, it wasn't like fully forceful but enough to make her feel a bit or maybe quite scared as she cried. I did tell her much later that what I did was not right and apologised for my actions but I know that was hypocritical of me to react like that with her. She was torturing my neighbours pregnant cat and kicked it hard in the stomach and really felt angry. I always thought it was a stage that would quickly pass but it's been nearly a year. She does it for the sake of it and if I don't remove her from the situation, I'm sure she'd keep on happily hitting/kicking/strangling/dragging around/throwing rocks at/poking/annoying them until it was to the point she got seriously injured by the animal/s in return.

[MamaOfWill]

Yikes, she really sounds out of control with this problem, you must feel like ceeping her away from animals all together?  Maybe you should let her have a good long brake from all animal interaction if that is at all possable and reintreduce her to animals on a "clean slate."

Don't beat yourself up about your reaction.  You are only human too.     When I make mistakes with my little one (I mean, when I do things that's against my personal parenting beliefs)  I tell myself that it's not the isolated events but the ones that happen repeatedly or regularly that count the most.

How did the owner react?

[nic31600]

At the start it was only playing with tails and petting the animals a bit to hard but it has really escalated in the past few months. Out of the blue I saw her throwing rocks at the cat and laughing, I told her to stop that's not nice but continued on straight again throwing rocks. I think there is something else to it, like she is learning from the actions of others.

I try not to, but I think as parents sometimes we are a bit hard on ourselves.

The owner said it wasn't a problem and not to worry. I understand he thinks a kid will be a kid but I would have preferred he didn't say something like that though.

[nic31600]

And yes I do feel like keeping her away from animals. At least until she outgrows the ''stage''.

[Kerileanne99]

Hhhmmmmm-
It sounds as though you are rightly concerned and upset...but regardless of the type of reaction, your daughter IS getting strong reactions and attention through her behavior.  Whether through the amused/indulgent reactions of your in-laws, or your own strongly discouraging reaction.
My nephew of 3.5 years of age developed the same type behaviors...we took him to a local veterinarian office where they had several pets that required care from harmful or negligent situations...the vet talked to him very matter-of-factly about how animals should be treated and why, and he was able to witness individuals nursing pets after injuries! He even got to hand-feed a tiny newborn kitten from a miniature bottle...
After the visit, we sort of let it soak in without strong pushing, but started reading books with animal and general kindness themes...he really seemed to 'get it', and now wants to be a 'veternarian' to help animals...
One of our favorite humorous books was this one about a boy contemplating squishing an ant...
http://www.amazon.com/Hey-Little-Ant-Phillip-Hoose/dp/1883672546/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1333165049&sr=8-1
Good luck!

[Mandabplus3]

She does seem to be getting some horrible mixed messages.
Yes banning Simsons would be top of my list too. We banned it after we saw my daughter burst into tears when Bart shot a bird. It is pure evil and no one here watches it anymore. Even my Husband has decided it is crap finally! Phew!
The neighbors laughing and everyone else's strange reactions are unacceptable also. I would tell them all so but I understand most people aren't as blunt as I am I can suggest you find people with the same values as you and spend more time with them. Be sure your child spends more time with your like minded friends than with the trouble causing relatives and neighbors.
I love the idea of visiting the vets. We got my son past a fear of dogs by talking with the pet shop owner and aranging a pat the puppies visit. We have an RSPCA organization that deals with cruelty to animals, they would be very helpful in this situation.
Good luck, this one may take some time to correct.

[nic31600]

I have never made a big deal about in the past, I remove her if she doesn't listen the first time and did what I had to do to show her that it's not nice to hurt living things, they feel pain and have feelings too. I feel that it could have been over with by now if I understood the situation better. With my in-laws, they think that it's OK for the dog to knock her down really hard and come charging at her like she is a rugby player ready to try and score. When my daughter really learns to respect animals, she will know that it's hurts the animals, and she won't do it again. What worries me the most? How is my daughter ever going to learn to respect an animal let alone a human being when she sees that it's not OK for her to annoy/hurt the dog (in-laws dog) but it's OK for the dog to hurt/annoy her even when/if her behaviour never encouraged the dog to respond like that in self-defense? My daughter will hopefully outgrow this stage sometime soon but with the in-laws not reprimanding their dog immediately, and the fact they never reprimand him at all, there is ALWAYS going to be a problem regarding animals and my daughter for a very long time. Now for him to think the Simpsons is not violent? If strangling/stabbing each other and blowing animals head off is not violent to him, I'm scared to think of what my daughter is going to grow up to be like with a good influence like that who she sees as being the biggest/most influential role model in her life? Strangling doesn't seem like a normal phase for a child to be going through.

[Mandabplus3]

My hubby was the same when my first child was young. We had many an argument. I let him know I wasn't going to budge on the appropriate TV choice thing because I was trying to raise nice children not little bastards. Since then we have had the "pleasure" of meeting some 4 and 5 year olds raised on violent movies ( yep a 4 year old who has watched chucky and spiderman 3!) so their poor behavior has helped solidify my claim. So he doesn't argue now but sends the kids out of the room.
So in the early days I deemed funniest home videos as inappropriate because it taught kids to laugh at kids who hurt themselves. That was a big problem as hubby loved it and thaught it was harmless ( right up until my daughter really hurt herself and my sister laughed at her! My carefully worded rebuttal was ground breaking)
I consistently removed her from the TV room and took her to read some books. I did this and still do it for all three kids, often. They don't watch the news, or anything not Rated for children unless I have prescreened it. I put them all to bed a t 7:00 pm as the quality of TV takes a rapid slide from then on.  They truly are lovely children so I can say it was worth the extra effort on my part. At gymnastics last week my daughter fell and her classmates laughed at her, she stood up and told them all off for laughing when someone hurt themselves. I couldn't have been prouder and all the mums watching that class got a good lesson in social skills!
You big problem. How often do you have to see the inlaws? What is the likelihood you can say I don't want my daughter near your dog as she is constantly getting hurt by it. Can they be separated during your visits. Can you tell them just once you can't be bothered visiting today because you can't be bothered dealing with the dog? Can you arrange a private time to talk to your motherin law one on one and discuss your beliefs and fears. This could make a big difference as she will know you are serious.
Your husband was raised by these people so his beliefs will echo theirs..if you can get him on side then that will help. I worried for many years about the influence my husband has on my kids. But he has many good traits also, so I do my best to minimize their exposure to his bad ones. These we discuss, read books on and set high standards for while he isn't around. I also endeavor to let the kids see daddy's awesome work ethics and tenacity at problem solving. Overall I am the primary care giver with the majority of time to influence so I win

[nic31600]

Good thing you brought that up, he has her watching funniest home videos and I never thought of it myself as anything wrong for a kids to watch. She is laughing when she sees something funny happen.

It's been a problem with the 3 dogs since the day she was born and they have known that since I have strongly stated my concerns. They refuse to remove the dog or keep them separated. If we are going somewhere and they are coming, they don't tell us they are bringing the dog. Today there was a family gathering and I refused to go with my daughter so my husband went alone.

I know that dogs have good memories and I know he was going to be there as my husband asked his father the day before but I said that we were coming. I told the entire family my concerns and fears but they are very defensive of their dogs, as well as their adult children who they think can never do wrong. They think I have a fear of dogs (not true) and that I am over-protective and paranoid with dogs (not true). I try to avoid talking with my MIL about serious issues now as she is quite selfish and verbally abusive when she's not getting her own way with me or hears something she doesn't want to hear.

They used to remove the dog (SIL dog) for a few minutes into a different room but as soon as he would come back out, straight at her again. Needless to say, I only see her about 4-5 times a year now after she slapped me in the face after I asked my husband to leave as I had enough of the dog and don't see her dog anymore. I last saw all the family on Christmas Eve at a relatives house after the incident there, my husband went alone to his immediate families house on Christmas day, and they knew I was going to originally come today with my daughter at the family gathering at a lake, but they still insisted in bringing their dog. 3 years and no progress with the in-laws. I haven't seen any of the family but the MIL since the Xmas eve incident and about 4 times. FIL never bothers with my daughter nor one of the Sils.

The dog is family to them, they think they know everything about animals and it's arrogance that is blinding them. They don't know anything about dogs or animals but can't argue with ignorance. Is it that hard to search the internet? obviously the dog is more important than my child. My husband is JUST like them please don't scare me even more than I already am!

[Mandabplus3]

I think you will be fine in the end. Relax   
You have been taking a stand with the relatives and that shows them you are serious. If they don't understand that or don't want to make an effort to ensure you and your daughter are included then that's their problem not yours. Your daughter will still get to spend time with them on your terms. Have your outings at the local coffee shop where dogs are not aloud. 
If they don't want to make allowances for you then they really arnt people you want to have your children hanging around anyway. Good riddance to bad rubbish...?
You could make the occasional exception...once every few years Christmas morning. Or let them know that you will allow the dog near your daughter when she is big enough to defend herself appropriately. Or take a lead and tie the dog up as you arrive! That would be my first choice 
As to your husband...every couple has one or two areas that they clash on opinions over. It is only a problem when both parties have strong opinions on it. If your husbands opinions are not as strong as yours then just let him know you won't budge on this issue. Be gentle in your approach so he doesnt counter argue just for the sake of it. Tell him That you feel it is vital that your child grows up with good values and this is important to you. Discuss clear guidelines for tv viewing, animal treatment, mannors.....then youo can just work to enforce your agreement. Eventually he may come good! My hubby did! Not perfect but good 

[Frukc]

google "teaching empathy".
What I do - we usually watch movies together (controlled, from disc). And I am explaining all the time. He is happy because... he is afraid because ... upset because...

[seastar]

This sounds like a really difficult situation.

Maybe you could try heaping the attention on the animal and not giving your daughter any attention. Try something like "(name), it's not ok to hurt animals" - say nothing else, then pet and comfort the animal for quite a while. This way, you are giving a very clear message that the hurtful behaviour is not ok, you are modelling appropriate behaviour and you are removing all attention from in appropriate behaviour.

This really works when children hurt other children so maybe it will work in your situation too. Best of luck

PS I have no advice for you on how to deal with your in laws - I am speechless over their behaviour! Well done for keeping your cool with them.

[nic31600]

It's never really going to get anywhere because they still insist a cat is more dangerous than a dog because they will go for the eyes.

My husband told me my mother-in-law said that I shouldn't have done what I did because he is fragile and unpredictable and they still insist on bringing the dog. Needless to say that I sent a very unloving email to her showing how much of a bad person I think she is for showing my daughter that the dog and it's life is more important than hers.

The dogs are allowed to disrespect my daughter but I'm not even allowed to respect my daughter. The problem is not the dog, it's their natural instinct, but such a shame I have to even consider them blood to my daughter and the dog is "family".

They expect me to just "wait" and see if the dog will have attacked or not? I think not, would rather relive WW1 with the family than to let this issue go. I will do some research on empathy and see how it goes.

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