Need advice: Preschool communication problem

[andreasro]

Hi all,

A friend of mine living in Norway is taking her Romanian kid to a local preschool. The kid has been learning Norwegian for few months and usually is very sociable. He talks to the teachers there, but he won't talk to any of his preschool colleagues though they try to play with him and are sociable. At home, with a smile in the corner of his lips - showing his mom that he's joking and telling untruthful things - , he says bad things about them.

Tomorrow, on Monday, a psychologist will come to evaluate his situation in preschool. The teachers think there's a problem with him that's why they called the specialist. For his mom this is not so pleasant. She assumes it may be difficult for her child to adapt to a new country, new language, new environment. But the fact that he's ok with grown-ups but not with his peers puzzles her. Also, although having a brain injury, almost same as my boy, he is growing up normally, smart, playful etc.

What do you think? What would you suggest in this situation? Does anyone have an idea what is happening with the child and what can his mom do to help him?

Thanks for any piece of advice.

Andrea

[nic31600]

Only speaking from my similar experience, I would agree with this child's mother, especially if he is on track with everything else. He sounds completely fine to me. My daughter was only 17 months when we went to Australia but the experience was terrifying for her, she understood that she was far away from home. She knew the language, the people, the climate, the food - she understood that she wasn't home and nothing made sense to her,.

She was always crying as soon as one would make a loud sound from having fun playing and the only people she would take to was grown-ups because they were less daunting to have to deal with. They treated her how she was used to being treated, gently and patiently.

When she met them (her cousins) for the first time, my nieces were very loud and typical "kids" not much older than her, my DD was very frightened of them and was at that time very shy and quiet, not very active. My nieces kept playing rough with her or kept wanting to play with her but she didn't want to because she was scared.

French kids on the other hand, I wonder if they are even allowed to talk or act like kids, they all seem so quiet and reserved, strictly disciplined, strangely well mannered for kids and play quietly in the park - this is all what my daughter knew for 17 months. I noticed the big cultural differences when I was in Australia, Oh how I miss watching kids be just that, kids!

It took my daughter some time to finally realize that that's how kids are there, more outgoing and loud. Since our return to France, my DD is like the foreigner, she became just like her cousins. Everybody noticed how different she became upon her return.

Unless you've been in that situation before, it's not easy to put yourself in someone else's shoes, actually I believe that's impossible. It's just as daunting for a 2 year old as it would be for a 50 year old. Kids need familiarity to feel safe. People assume what life must be like for me as a foreigner but I don't bother to argue with them about how wrong they are - it's not the same seeing a Country as a tourist.

My daughter's daycare question my parenting all the time, I just say, sorry I'm not French and move on. Theses are people who have never left their own Country, let alone have had experience dealing with a foreign parent or child. There are some things my daughter isn't doing that a typical French child her age should be doing but in Australia, these are things kids her age aren't meant to be doing so I'm never concerned. I keep trying to explain cultural differences but that just goes through one ear and out another.

I hope my ramble helps a little

[andreasro]

Thank you nic31600! I'll share your thoughts and experience with the mother I was talking about.

[glitterusagi]

I think this is really typical. I read a book a while ago that talked about Japanese kids coming to England at around six years old and it said they took almost a year to start talking to their British peers (even though they were speaking to adults already long before). When they first started, they had very defensive almost toddler like exchanges: "That's mine!", "No, I don't want to!", etc.

I'm glad I read that, because it's made me a lot calmer about watching my English speaking child go through this at her Japanese school. It threw me for a loop when her teacher told me that she often refused to participate with the other kids' play, even though they begged her to join. I'm pretty sure it's just a way to assert a little power in a fairly helpless situation.

My son, who is only 2 1/2 and has no fear or clue about what's normal really hasn't had any anti-social behavior pop up yet and plays with the Japanese kids at school just like he does with native English speakers. Whereas with my daughter, it's like she's two different kids when she's playing with the American kids in our neighborhood! She's a savvy 4 1/2, so I think it's just a developmental thing at this age. Maybe 4 to 7 1/2?

I've talked to my daughter very logically about it and it seems to have helped - I just explained that they wouldn't be able to let her stay in the class if she couldn't manage to get along with the other kids. I tried not to blow it out of proportion or make it scarier than it needed to be, but I explained the reality of the situation in kid terms and it seems to have helped. I have continued to remind her when necessary and I also have done playdates/after school park visits where the other kids often meet - this has helped immensely!

[nic31600]

You are welcome! glitterusagi stated somethings I was trying to communicate more clearly but unfortunately I'm losing my English vocabulary and couldn't find the right words!

My 17 month old did understand the differences, I could tell only by her negative/strange behaviour, as she couldn't talk, which was very unlike her, but I guess that really depends on how different or similar the two cultures are because many find it unbelievable that my 17 month old understood but French culture and way of life is very different to Australian in all aspects.

Every foreign child will usually behave this way but how long it takes before they finally accept their new surroundings, varies for each individual.

How old is this child? I don't know if it is possible but maybe he is making up these stories in the hopes that his mum will take him out of that daycare and stay home or wants to make her feel guilty? I don't know but hopefully things will improve soon.

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