Help with some advice re my eldest dd behaviour!!

[Kimba15]

My eldest daughter since turning 3 has become very,very difficult. She is very argumentative, refuses to do anything asked of her and if you try and do something fun like cooking she just will not follow any instruction. Ask her to use her listening ears and she seems to switch them off. She has also become increasingly rough with her sister as well. I am pretty sure this behaviour is normalaccording to my friends who have 3 year olds who refer to them as the tyrannical 3's but her behaviour is becoming unbearable and she is becomng unbearable to be around.  I am tired of arguing with her and trying to reason with her to get her to do what she needs to do.

Our early learning program has almost had to halt because I can't get her to focus or listen. I can't leave the house because she refuses to listen when we go out. Some of the things I have done are

Naughty Corner after being warned not to be mean to her sister

Banned her from swimming lessons (can't be used right now as swmming does not recommence until end of January) Although did work very well
[/list]Ban herfrom the playroom for 15minutes after I have asked her to clean up 3 times and then bring her back in to clean up

Reward chart for good behaviour (dd not work because bad behaviour continued anyway)

No book of  at bedtime and staight to bed lights out if she has been warned not to do any of the above she get warned 3 times (3 strikes your out)

The only problem I have nothing seems to be combating her behaviour. she keeps going and when she is disciplined it is almost war with amassive tantrum to go with it. Her behaviour is also eating into my time with my youngest dd as my eldest dd needs me to stand over her just to get her to do anything.

HELP I'M GOING NUTS

[Kerileanne99]

I am sorry you are having a rough time of it. I have a very sting willed two year old and discovered vey quickly that punitive action, like taking things away that she loved, only made the behavior worse. I read a book called 'Happiest Toddler On The Block' by Dr. Harvey Karp, that really helped turn my daughter around. He has concepts like Feeding the Meter, where you give them small bits of undivided attention to prevent the outbursts, and ways of communicating with them. All hands on, practical, non-touchy feely theory that is difficult to implement. It is a quick read, and set up so that you can start Immediately! Especially for bright kids that need to be challenged, it really seems to work... I have no ties to this book other than I have highly recommended it to many friends and family members. I hope it helps, and good luck:)

[Mandabplus3]

three strikes? Thats very generous. What it says is its OK to behave this way sometimes. Perhaps consider a zero strikes rule for a while. However do be sure the rules and expectations are very clear to start with. for instance if she hits her sister thats an immediate time out.We can be sure she knows that is not OK.  lets say she doesnt immediately follow directions to clean her room that woulds be something like "what are you supposed to be doing right now?" have her admit it! "OK well hop to it, lets get the job done, I will start off by putting this away, then its your turn. I need you to finish the job before....or you will get a time out" Or "if you stop to play with barbie again you will get a time out" I always finish with Do you understand me? then they are responsible for the actions they choose.
Difficult three year olds are a headache. I can advise you to be very, very consistent. Never, ever cave in to the tantrum, yes even at the shops. If you need to change your mind because you think you were unfair discuss it with a third party and then explain the resons to your child and say sorry. Finally actively teach empathy and good behaviour concepts (good books at the library) and find ANY TINY LITTLE reason to praise good behaviour.
They do grow out of it. My constant work resulted in a child that didnt ONCE get in trouble at school! The whole year! I am still surprized now! Surprized with my jaw on the floor! She was a nightmare, you are not alone!
God only gives you what you can handle (incedentally Mother Teresa's reply to that was "well I wish he didnt trust me so much!)

[Mela Bala]

I can share an experience I will never forget from my early childhood.  I was in preschool and I had trouble cleaning up my room when my Mom asked me too.  I do not know how long it took her to become fed up but one day she told me if I did not clean my room she would.  The catch was that she was going to give away all the toys she picked out.  I did not believe her.  I should have.  I remember her picking up toys I loved and putting them away to be given away.  I convinced her to only give away toys I did not play with.  I am sure she never intended to get rid of my favorite toys.  But this is the part that I remember the best she would pick up each toy and ask me if I played with it.  Of course I said yes to every toy and sometimes she would say I don't see you playing with it so we will give it away.  I remember all the thoughts of what I could have done with that toy that will no longer be mine.  I never had a problem cleaning my room after that. To this day I live clutter free and can actually part with things I have ideas for but know someone else might put it to use right away.

My son (16.5 months) has already started throwing tantrums and he stops as soon as I pick him up but I will not always be there to pick him up as he gets older.  After a little research I decided to buy Discipline Without Stress Punishments or Rewards: How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility & Learning  By Marvin Marshall 
It was a little expensive but it had 5 stars for all 27 reviews on Amazon done by parents, grandparents, teachers and a school psychologist.  I also have no ties with this book and am looking forward to the mailman or ups man to get here with it.

[Kimba15]

Thanks everyone for your replys. I really need the advice because I justcan't enjoy her at the moment without everythng we do together turnng into an allout war because she just doesnot want to take any instruction or listen. I am sooo fed up. I jusg need a break from her to refresh and come back to a nice place where Ifeel centered and having the ability to stay strong.

[Maquenzie]

3 was much, much harder than 2 for us.

I'm a big fan of Positive Discipline A to Z, by Jane Nelsen. 

I'd suggest increasing her autonomy as much as possible.

[Kimba15]

Thanks Maquenzie. I have been thnking about incereasing her independence and autonomy more lately. Might be the bestway to combat her behaviour by givng her more 'responsibility" I will take that on board.

Kimba

[iwini]

books are the best way to handle your frustration and her frustration towards you.
Never dishearten for her,you are not alone in this situation.
you can handle because you are mother,the other r name is patience.
TLC
T- TENDERNESS CARE
L- LOVE,LOVE,LOVE
C- CUDDLE
these  are the magic you can follow at any time,she must help you to overcome theses odd situation.
Have some quality time play with her..
Visit  her favorite place,she must want same feelings like.try to understand her.

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