Time-out Guidelines for Parents

[zaku]

Time-out is a way of disciplining your child for misbehavior without raising your hand or your voice. Time-out involves removing your child from the good stuff in life, for a small amount of time, immediately following misbehavior. Time-out for children is similar to penalties used for hockey players. When a hockey player has misbehaved on the ice, he is required to go to the penalty area for two minutes. The referee does not scream at, threaten, or hit the player. He merely blows the whistle and points to the penalty area. During the penalty time, the player is not allowed to play, only watch. Time-out bothers hockey players because they would rather play hockey than watch. Keep this hockey comparison in mind when using time-out for your child. Children usually do not like time-out because they would rather play than watch other kids play. So when you use time-out in response to a misbehavior, remove your child from whatever he or she is doing and have him or her sit down.


1.Choose time-out areas.

2.Explain time-out.

3.Use time-out every time the problem behaviors occur.

4.Be specific and brief when you explain why your child must go to time-out.

5.Do not talk to or look at your child during time-out.

6.If your child gets up from the chair, return him or her to the chair with no talking.

7.Your child must be calm and quiet to leave time-out once time is up.

8.Your child must answer yes politely when you ask, “Would you like to get up?”

9.If you wanted your child to follow an instruction, give him or her another chance after time-out is over. And, in general, deliver a few other easy-to-follow commands so your child clearly learns who is in charge and who is not.

10.Catch them being good.

http://www.parenting.org/precious-beginnings/parenting/time-out-guidelines-parents

[rixu]

we practice time out

[paps]

can you tell me what's the good age for doig time-out?  I have a 1 year old boy who's on his way to clever land.

[Sarah108]

Thanks Zaku, very helpful - karma to you!

[mtb999]

how do you know when your child is cognitively advanced enough to understand what a time out is?  I know it works well with older children (eg 4 yo) ... thanks!

[zaku]

hi all
my son is going to be 3 yrs soon. very lately i started time out. It worked well for us.
Sarah thanks for the karma 

[Twinergy]

Thank you zaku for sharing this article.  I especially like that they added “catch them being good,” that is very important.  I got the following info and guidelines on time-outs from the book “Becoming the Parent You Want To Be” by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser.  (ETA: The authors also suggest parents can take time-outs when they need a break and do something for themselves.)

Limitations of timeouts:
1.   Time-outs can be scary for children who don’t understand time: children under 2 ½ only understand “now”.  A 2 minute time-out can seem to them like an eternity. 
2.   Time-outs deal only with behavior, not the reasons behind the behavior
3.   Time-outs often remove the child from a situation he still has a lot to learn from: rather than isolate the child, it may be preferable to help him find a new solution or environment.**


Time-out guidelines:
1.   Time outs should never be longer than a few minutes: 1 minute per year of age
2.   Your child should know what to expect
3.   Time-outs should not be overused: if you want children to understand the seriousness of time-outs, use them sparingly.
4.   Whenever possible include children in setting up their own time-outs: if you involve the child in thinking about how a “break” might help her calm down and include her in determining when she will be ready to rejoin the activity, eventually she can learn how to create safe outlets for herself. 
5.   Discuss solutions: explore acceptable alternatives.

** Here I omitted several paragraphs from the book.  I was too lazy to type it all out.  Here are some articles from their website that offer alternatives to time-outs that help children learn from the situation. 

http://www.becomingtheparent.com/subsections2/toc7.html#assumptions
http://www.becomingtheparent.com/subsections1/question6.html#beginning

[McDume]

Time outs are a lazy impatient parent's way of spanking. The term is comfortable, because it comes from sports. But it's punishment, not discipline, and doesn't address the child's need. A different (and IMO, more rational) take on disciplining our toddlers. http://Http://bit.ly/cjcrwC

[Twinergy]

Hi McDume,
Though I appreciate your intention, I disagree with two assumptions I see in your post.  Maybe you did not intend these assumptions, but were communicated at least to me. 

First I don’t think time-outs are not necessarily punitive.  I take a time-out every time I need one rather than do something regrettable.  Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the job of parenting with limited resources/help and unfortunately I was not raised with the proper tools to diffuse my own anger.  Now as a parent I am dealing with resurfacing emotions I was always taught to repress.  I think time-out is an intermediary step to handle anger, somewhere between tantrums and just letting go.  If my children decide they want to take a time-out to cool off I will support their decision.  This may not be the best tool to handle strong emotions, but it is the best tool I have right now.  I’m working on it and growing alongside my children.  Maybe someday I will be cool like Fonzie. 

My second disagreement with your post is that I don’t think parents who use punitive time-outs are lazy and impatient.  I think it is more an issue of information.  Most of us were raised under the paradigm that children must be punished in order to behave, and most popular parenting books still endorse this view.  Yet there are so many other tools available that don’t involve punishments but still teach a lesson.  That is why I tried to provide an alternate approach toward time-outs in my previous post. 

“You did then what you knew how to do and when you knew better... you did better!” -Maya Angelou

[zaku]

totally agreed with Twinergy 

[kizudo]

Thanks Twinergy...and agreed.

As a kgtn classroom teacher I had a special place in my room that was used as a "quiet space".  Either I OR the child could decide that they needed to go to that space for a few moments.  When I could see that a meltdown or a poor choice was about to happen, I'd approach the child and say quietly in their ear "Would you like to choose to go to the quiet spot to think about what you want to do next?  If not, I will choose for you."  Often they would go completely on their own - even without my suggestion.  However, sometimes I could see that I needed to help them conclude that this would be a good time to step away from the troublesome situation.

To model this way of coping, when I was getting stressed I'd announce to the class or child that my heart was getting all "scrunchy" and I felt like I wanted to yell or push something. So instead of doing that I would go over to the quiet place to take some deep breaths and while I was gone they were to work quietly by themselves.  Of course, I could fully see the room and ensure that everyone was safe, but let me tell you, being a kindergarten teacher isn't all sunshine and roses - sometimes I wished I could hide out there all day!  Then, I'd come back to the group/child and say "While I was in the quiet space I decided that a good way to solve this problem and not get frustrated is to ...."  So that they'd remember that the quiet place was a place for them to solve issues. 

Of course, a 5 year old can think these things out better than the 2 year old I am now raising!

[waterdreamer]

I totally agree with Twinergy. Even as an adult, when I'm frustrated, or angry I need to step away from the situation and think of a better way to handle it. So I give myself a time out, to cool off and think about things carefully to make sure I don't do something I regret.
I want to teach my children, when they are fighting or misbehaving, that perhaps they should sit down and think about their actions. Sometimes its to provide them time to cool off so they can actually listen and process the ideas I might suggest to them on how they could handle the situation better. Sometimes if were having an off day and my son is acting out, and I get frustrated, I give us both a timeout. Then when I'm calmed I go and work things out with him.
I don't think timeout is lazy parenting. It takes a better person to step back from the situation rather then act out on emotion. I will be the first to admit im not a perfect parent. So if time out is lazy, I guess i'm lazy. But its better then what they would have if I acted on emotion.

[mirra]

@ zaku @ twinergy...karmas to you!!!

[vanichezhiyan]

Thanks zaku and twinergy. Karmas to u both...

[wenjonggal]

And we do what when our child refuses to go to time out? In the hockey analogy, what does the referee do if the player refuses to get off the ice, continues to play hockey, ignores the referee, shouts at the referee or whacks the referee with the hockey stick?

thanks.

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