Hitting! Please help...

[Blooming_Brilliant]

I am at a place where I do not know what to do anymore. My daughter is almost 3 years old and has recently gotten very mean. If she doesn't get her way or just feels like it she will hit, kick, bite, or pinch. I tell her not to do that, that it is bad. That it hurts. That she should be nice, not hit or hurt anyone including me, her mother. She sometimes goes verbally and says I don't love you. Which I act like it doesn't bother me when of course it does. I do not understand how my baby who was so loving when she was younger turned into this little terror. I tried explaining to her that hitting is not showing love. That others wont like her or want to play with her if she continues acting like this. I tell her that instead of hitting she should tell how she feels, if she feels frustrated, or upset and why and that we can talk about it. I have also tried time outs, But she continues to hit. I am wondering if anyone with experience can help me, this is my first child, she is smart, she can be loving, but I do not know what to do when she hits and is mean.

[KeriBerry]

First off ((HUGS)) I figured you might need one!
So first things first, has anything changed in the house hold recently? Even if it is something you might not think is a big change, it could be for her.
Something you have to remember is as a young child it is hard for her to exspress her feelings, so this may be her way of telling you she is not happy.
Now I can also tell you that when you are telling her that she wont have friends in the future ect... She is too young to think that far ahead... If it isnt happing right now she isnt going to be concerned with it...
The tips I can give you is first make sure there isnt something causing it ( like maybe a new sibling, new daycare, loss of her binkie, etc)
When it does happen I would first go down to her level ( Big anger mommas can be scary) and let her know that it is not okay, but still let her know you acknowledge her feelings & you love her.
For instants if she hits you, you say you are not allowed to hit mommy because it hurts... You can try and ask why she hit you, she may or may not tell you. Then you let her know you understand she is not happy & then you need to tell her you still love her. ( if you spank her this can confuses a child, if you spank her she may in return think it is okay to hit)
If she is being mean, lets say you want a hug and she refuses, just reassure that you love her and when she feels like giving you a hug you will be ready to give one.
Or if she isn't being nice to a friend, let her know it is not okay, find out if you can why she is acting that way, try and show her what is acceptable and if you have to take her home or send the child home. If she knows that the playdate will end she may next time act nicer.

I guess what I am saying is be consistent, dont use guilt, let her know that her feelings are okay, but that there is a right and wrong way to express them, and just let her know you still love her... and again make sure there is nothing causing this behavior... In the end kids goes through phazes and this is all we can do . hth

[nellie]

Hi blooming brilliant, Can I cry with you because I had the same thing with my dear caring loving cheerful daughter recently.

First, BREATHE. When it happens I left the room. (I left the room because I got angry, if I am not I just look away and breathe) Take a deep breath. Empty your mind. (This is what I used to do I am no motivator whatsoever). If you still feel your head heavy with all the thoughts your kid is troublesome, not a good listener, etc..(like I did) Take a deep breath again. Keep doing it until, all the negative thoughts gone. Then I come back to her with a smile and look at how beautiful, smart and healthy she is. I tell her how I love her when she is so gentle. This is what I would say to her on her "Ultraman days"...I'll have a conversation with her plush toys just like how I'd like my girl speak or treat me.

 "My gentle Princess, I love it when you are soooo gentle.. Like squishhy softy Little Pinky (I take her pink bear doll and make it talk to me with my small voice), "why do you like me being gentle to you mom?"  (then talk again with my original voice) "Oh, that because it will make me happy, and I will not get hurt..mm (make a sad face) I will feel sad if I get hurt..."okay mom, I will always be gentle to you mom, I'm sorry..I love you mom" (talk on behalf of Pinky with small voice again). "Oh, it's okay Pinky, you good girl and I love you so much (my original voice)". And I hug Pink with smile. She usually will jump at me and hug me "Me too! Me too!"

 This works with me on few trials. I don’t overdo it because I’m afraid it’ll backfires (everything will backfire if we overdo it, right) It will make her feel envy to that toy etc. She'll feel that she's not a good person compared t that toy, it's enough up to the point she understand what you try to say to her. I think I will still use plush toys to show my expectations to her even if she has other siblings. The plush toys, she can’t compete with it right? But she’ll get the message..I hope so; I hope she’ll remember it as the longest as she can so people say emotion has some impact. Sometimes emotions speak louder than the message and I don’t wish to develop any negative attitude in my kid at such young age like, envy, jealous, God forbid, Hatred. I just want her childhood filled with love. Let me tell you, I was an angry person. I have this face which if I don’t smile for a second people wd think I'm gonna eat them. So, if I let it my girl will be scared of me. That just makes me even sadder and feels guiltier. Like when I kept quiet and not looking at her, she will be quiet, look down and not happy too. So, I quickly smile and change the topic. I breastfed (still ) my girl so on early days when  my girl didn’t want to have milk and refuse it I always check my feeling. No, I’m not bluffing. I read and I try.I did check my feeling and I changed it and it really worked! I changed the image in my head; stopped thinking about it, I smiled ha-ha-ha and she grabbed the milk with her mouth and had it like nothing happened. Sometimes we didn’t realize what we are thinking at that time affects our feeling and our kids sense it. Sometimes, I don’t even realize that I was thinking! I think I can get a clown job at the store near my house.

But something else I want to share. My baby sister comes to our house once in a while but when she’s around she’s always with her Iphone Blackberry whatever and keeps looking at that gadget 24hrs! She comes to visit her niece but she wont take her eyes off that gadget. If not updating facebook she’s updating games. I cant say anything more to her because I’ve said enough. If she 10 yo I can yell but she’s big enough to understand. My girl hit her so hard and she (my little sister) got angry by showing sour face and say “oww, that’s hurt..” I say nothing to my sister but I respond to my girl “Okay, are you bored? You want to play with her? I'm sorry, she’s busy right now let’s play with me. Okay? (While holding her up in my hands) But next time you can try to ask nicely again right, if there is no answer you can just walk away, okay” my girl nodded. This situation happens if she asks nicely repeatedly but my little sister so caught up with her virtual life she ignores her niece. Being with me I teach her to ask nicely and all but I never ignored her so when she’s being ignored she doesn’t know what to do. She did ask nicely and no result. I don’t blame my girl but I don’t encourage her to hit as well. So, I didn’t say anything to my little sister. But, if out of the blue she’ll hit her I’ll say something like “Poor, auntie..Are you hurt?“ I kiss my little sister and she’ll come kissing her too and say sorry. A lot of emotional games.. I hope you win yours .. 

[starnstarz]

May I join your crying society?    I have a son and he is hitting too. I heard it's just the age. Hopefully, it will come to an end soon.

[akalori]

My kids are usually well behaved, but each of them have had little bumps along the way.  My son tried biting when he felt overwhelmed starting around 18 months.  I would calmly tell him that biting wasn't  allowed and put him in his crib for a small 90 second time out.  Then I would analyze what caused his frustration then fix it and avoid it in the future.  For example, maybe he needed a nap, or was over or under stimulated.  Also after time out I would assure my son that he was very well behaved and his behavior was just a mistake.  My daughter has been more challenging. She has hit me once and has occassionally had terrible temper tantrums.  Again straight to time out (a minute for each year).  Now the time out spot is a landing on our staircase.  It is a very boring spot that is perfect for self examination.  If the child resists time out then I take away their favorite possession for a day.  One particularly bad day I had to take away nearly every one of my son's toys before he dutifully walked himself to time out.  When I take away a toy it gets put in my closet and I never give in and return it early.  I have taken away a special blankie that my daughter cuddles for sleep.  I go for whatever will make a lasting impression on my children.  They really understand that I am in charge and they need to obey and respect me. I love them but they don't need love me.  Their love for me is optional.  I'm responsible for raising them up to be competent happy adults.  I always work on myself to create the best home environment.  I analyze the situation to determine what I could have done better.  For example, maybe the children were bored and unoccupied, maybe they ate poorly or too late, maybe they had too much electronics time and not enough exercise, etc.  Maybe I was grouchy and didn't set the right tone for our day causing the children to bicker more.

 I always find opportunities to compliment their behavior and reinforce how they are much better behaved than most other kids.  Now my children believe to the core of their being that they are different and I expect more of them because they are the best behaved kids.  For example, I took the kids to the beach after school yesterday.  It was gorgeous and we stayed too late.  It was a crazy plan for a school night.  Then we all needed showers, so we didn't eat dinner until 7:30 pm.  My son was exhausted and still had homework.  he finished almost all of it.  Still my kids were in bed by 8:36pm. I told them I was so proud that we did so much yet still managed to do homework and get in bed on time.  I also told them that if there is another beautiful day we will do it again.  Then in the morning they were up on time, my son finished his last 2 math problems, and they both were on the bus stop 7:10 am.   Again I complimented both kids and they were beaming.  I told them most kids couldn't have done it.  They are proud of themselves and really made the connection that good behavior pays off.  They know their friends don't go to the beach after school because they won't get their homework done and will be late for school. 

Of course they still bicker, and aren't always perfect.  It was harder when they were younger and often I still think I could do better.  At the moment, my daughter is still a challenge.  If I say wear this then she wants to wear that.  She asks for peanut butter and jelly but then won't eat, and wants ham and cheese instead.  She likes to correct her older brother's behavior which of course makes him mad.  She has a comment about everything and talks nonstop until she falls asleep.  However she will do what I tell her to do and behaves well, but might whine and complain about it.  I'm working on it and trying to figure out how to get a more pleasant attitude from her.  When the tone isn't right in our house I tell the kids I'm not sure why but the tone is off and unpleasant.  I tell them that we need to fix it and so let's stop what we are doing and go to the park, or for a walk, etc.  I apologize if I feel responsible for any unpleasantness.  I make sure they understand that we are responsible our home environment and we can make it great. 

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