When should you give advice to friends

[annaskids]

I have some friends that have very different parenting styles for my own. For example, I attempt to talk my kids about the reasons behind my requests, where they are more the "Because I told you to" sorts. I give time outs and they give spankings, you get the picture.  How can I share my views with them without coming across as critical or seeming like I think I am a better parent then them. They really love their kids and try their best but I think, like all of us, could use some kind advice.

[kmum]

Only when they ask for it!    Otherwise it is not usually well received.

[nhockaday]

I prefer not to give advice unless it is asked for. Like you said, everyone has their own styles and beliefs. Sometimes it's hard to see how someone is raising their child, but it is their child.

[PY]

I prefer not to give advice unless it is asked for. Like you said, everyone has their own styles and beliefs. Sometimes it's hard to see how someone is raising their child, but it is their child.

I totally agree!!You know parents  have the right to raise their kids on the way they prefer! I don't get involved in their personal life.Not only friends also family, brother ,sister..etc I JUST DON'T!!
Besides I think whatever method you use to critizes their way,they will take it personal.

[Krista G]

When you are an example to others and they wonder how you handle your children so well or how come they are so well behaved, then you can offer your advice.  People are very protective and defensive of their kids.  I would keep my mouth shut.  At my son's soccer game which is done through a church, a boy on his team yelled to his teammates to "Kick some a**."  One of the parents was offended by this and told the boy to please watch his mouth and the dad immediately jumped up and told her to take it up with him.

When people are stressed and complaining about their ill behaved child then you might say, "You might want to do such and such for better results." 

[trinity papa]

Lead or show by example.

Going there and telling them that's the wrong way to do it ...... isn't .....smart. The true is no one person really have the right way, you can teach your child good manners, be gentle, mind their words or mouth etc, the stupid thing is if they meet a gangster or hoodlum or some kind of crisis like war breaks out, your child probably would not be able to survive. But i get the drift, train we must, but we are not above others because only time and events will tell if we're right.

But nevertheless, we do our best, we train our own children and if parents wants to know how you did it its then when you tell them. But i got some friends saying how yours is a girl so its easier, they are more naturally well-behaved, whereas boys are naturally naughtier so therefore no need to ask .... and hence no need to train. Then good luck to them and hopefully our kids don't mix. Because you'd be surprised what seems naturally wrong  to you and your kids, would be a far fetched idea of correctness to them.

Ps spanking isn't proven correct or incorrect, its how you used it that matters. Unfortunately, people are either against it for the sake of against it to sound politicall correct, and there are people who simply misuse it. It is not the tool that is wrong, its simply the user or in this case the none-user that is not smart enough in its application and hence misusing it.

[patreiche]

I have a friend that works in the field with children. She holds a Master degree and constantly is pushing her opinion or simply corrects my grandchild her way when she is in my house. Unless someone ask your opinion keep it to yourself. It is very irritating to have someone walk into your house and confuse the child and give them mixed message. Let the guardian deal with their child unless you see abuse.

[reei]

never give advice unless asked or in life threatening situation.



http://parentinglittler.blogspot.com

[khatty]

O.K.  I'm going to go against the grain.... 

First a quote I really love:

"We cannot withhold facts for fear of offending because the importance
of the information outweighs people's right to not be challenged in
their belief"
-Maddy Reid

Do, I like to tell my friend they are wrong?  No.  But I do like to supply all my friends with access to information that challenges their beliefs.  I do have a vast supply of parenting books that I lend out.  I keep website and blogs on the tip of my tongue so I can send my friends off to do their own reading and research.  My facebook page is a list of posts referring people to parenting articles.

Why do this?  Because it takes a community to raise children, and I really really want my child to be raised in a community that is up-to-date with their knowledge.  Since I am a parent, I have a responsibility to my child (and all her friends and future friends) to parent in the best possible way.  That includes helping and supporting other parents to be their best parenting selves.  How can one become a better parent if no-one is willing to challenge them on questionable parenting techniques?

True, I don't like when another parents says to me that I parented wrong.  On the other hand, I really respect another parent who is willing to question my parenting choices in a respectful manner.  I do have bad moments, and I appreciate when another parent reminds me to step back, take stock of my actions, and supplies me with information to parent better.  I wish there were more parents in my community willing to do that.  I takes tact and respect, but it needs to be done for everyone's benefit - both ours and our childrens'.

[khatty]

Ps spanking isn't proven correct or incorrect, its how you used it that matters. Unfortunately, people are either against it for the sake of against it to sound politicall correct, and there are people who simply misuse it. It is not the tool that is wrong, its simply the user or in this case the none-user that is not smart enough in its application and hence misusing it.

The current research does suggest that Spanking is not effective in the long term, or at minimum that there are other parenting techniques that are significantly more effective and much much less harmful.  http://www.parentingscience.com/spanking-children.html

[Marmee]

I really like what you have said Khatty.

I also post a lot of links on Facebook.  Those who want to read it will, those who don't won't.  I don't feel that I should be telling people how they should raise their children but I will say "we do..." if somebody is having trouble with an issue and asks me.  I would never give anybody advice no matter what if they haven;t specifically asked for it.  I can empathise and provide a listening ear but I will never suggest anything.  Besides I think we have all had those days when we know we are not being the best parent we can and we need to cut ourselves some slack and regroup so we can parent better the next day.

Having said that I don't have all the answers, nor do I know the dynamics of other people's families and relationships.  There are so many different stresses in others lives that we can't possibly judge their parenting, nor should we.  I think parenting style is so individual and most people pick and choose from the things they feel will work the best. 

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