Is setting up rules, reward & punishment system good?

[agnes4eva]

I am looking for some parenting advice here.

My friend has a 3 year old boy and a just turned one year old boy. She set up some rules in the house and if the rules are broken, she will put a strike on a chart, and once the child and mother are calm, they will talk about punishment. Example, couch is for sitting and for watching tv, if he jumps on the sofa, then he will get no tv for the day. She uses this system to teach manners and behaviors.

On the other hand, my sister implements a mr cane system. She said mr cane is another person that comes to discipline the child, and do not use your hands as you want to avoid the child fearing you. She said reward & punishment system doesn't work for her children age 5 and 6 because they would not understand the reasoning behind the punishment. She doesn't want to use the word "punishment" and just use yes or no so the children will understand. Her son has yet to read and recognize words and he is mentally younger compared to his age. She said use mr cane when young and the child is older then they can talk and reason about it.

What do you think? I am personally leaning towards the first system. How do you teach your child when he/she misbehave? What if they keep repeating it again and again? Please share your experience. Thanks

[Korrale4kq]

I like natural consequences when possible when they are little. Like if they run and then fall. But this isn't always an option or the safest. When James was little he used to climb onto  the window sills and get stuck, a lot. The only thing that stopped him doing it was to let him be stuck for a little but longer before I saved him. It wasn't long. Only a few seconds while I stood there and told him that this is what happens when he climbs the window. He never did it again.

Now that James is older we talk about those natural consequences before they happen. I will tell him to stop so that he doesn't fall off the couch. Then I give him a warning. Then the third strike is for me to tell him to go to his room and think about not jumping on the couch. He will often come out and apologize and not do it again..... For a while. Then we go through the whole process. He is 3... And he forgets and it takes him a few times before he learns the new "rule".
Sometimes third strikes aren't just sending him to his room. Sometimes it includes confiscating a toy, or a cancellation of something fun. It all depends on the circumstances but I tell him the punishment when I explain why we don't do something.
Sometimes I focus on the nice. If he were to hit someone, I would explain that we don't hit our friends because we are nice. If he hits again we will be leaving our play date early.

Every situation is different. But the 3 strikes system works well.
First warning, reasons explain, potential punishment.
Second warning. Punishment reminder. Clarification as to why we don't do it.
Punishment.

[MamaOfWill]

I'm just writing a short message so you don't rule out positive discipline all together.

I don't punish or fight at all, I except that my child is a child and curious etc.  I repeat rules and reasons over and over for as long as it takes.  If he does something he's not allowed I try to find a clever solution to prevent him from doing so. 

He is under 2.5, he's no angle but he's learning the rules slowly and peacefully. Best part for me is, when playing with other kids and he gets smacked or treated in a way he doesn't like, he talks to the friend in a calm way, for instance "please don't smack, not nice, not nice." 

Yes, sometimes he cries because the only solution I can think of is one that he does not agree with, and then I comfort him  for as long as it takes.  I suppose my method only works because I have a lot of time for him, but my hubby and I are happy.  I think EL has also taught me a thing or two about how my child learns and I keep that in mind when teaching him anything, including "rules."  Teaching takes consistency, patience, repetition, faith, respect and many more such words.

Good luck, I hope you find a solution that works for you.

[agnes4eva]

Thanks. I guess ultimately depends on individual child's character and development.  

[SRod]

Thanks. I guess ultimately depends on individual child's character and development.  

This is definitely true. There isn't on clear answer, but I lean toward the first option. I don't when people say that young children can't understand why things are happening. Young children deserve much more credit then we give them.

[Jemi]

I think that not only is every child different but also every parent is different. there are things other parents do that I think are so great but they are not things I could implement successfully right away or sometimes ever! I found that setting clear boundaries worked for a while but then confiscating toys worked when she went through a phase of consciously choosing to disobey. It worked a treat at helped her become more conscious of the clock and time as I'd take it away for one hour, two hours or twenty four hours depending. She would be reminded to look at the clock and knew she had to wait for the long hand to be on whatever.

With confiscating toys I found it important to explain reasons or ask why this was happening. At first it was "because you are telling me off" but in time she was able to say "because I didn't listen" or whatever. It was interesting to me that it cannot be assumed that a child gets why a consequence has happened. Sometimes when they trip they may blame the floor not the fact that they were running. When they shouldn't have been. For example

Also, whatever works this month may not work in a couple of months so prepared to be flexible.

It's not about punishing a single behaviour. For me. It's about training a child to do right even when I'm not there. This can only come with discussion or understanding along with whatever methods of child training you use. In my opinion

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