Why do wish for another baby?

[khatty]

My partner and I have 2 kids. I wish for more. He is happy with 2. We have both discussed our positions. Both are reasonable. Neither one of us is right, or wrong.

My wish for another child is not rational (who signs up for years of no sleep, toilet training, etc). I still want another baby. I admit one the reasons is to get another chance to do EL. To try again to teach my child from birth, to experiment with different learning methods, and to try math again (it didn't work with the first 2).

Of course I also want another child for all those motherly reasons - I have love to give, I wish for my children to have more siblings, I wish for that large family, that new baby smell, etc.

What are your reasons for wanting another child?

[Kimba15]

I'm the same as you. I wish for another child. Unfortunately Hubby has pulled the plug.

Neither one of us is right or wrong in our wanting/not wanting another baby. I just wish my husband would take responsibility for the decision he has made but that is another topic all together.

Humpf...

Kim

[khatty]

Kimba15, I admit I am struggling with this. My partners position is very reasonable. He has many good points on why our family is complete. It is very rational to stop at 2 kids. I don't wish to rip our current family apart over my need to have more kids. There is just no right answer to this problem. How did/or are you reconciling this? Have you found any good on-line sites to help you? I really need to deal with this, right now every time I look at my partner, I just see the man who won't give me what I want! I know that isn't fair - but it is how I feel. Any advice?

[Kimba15]

At this point in time it is just financially not viable without me going to back to work which is very reasonable position to take. We are sending both our kids to private school and that is not chep either. I think it is more from the fact that my husband said "No More" with no discussion about it.

When I told him how upset I was he was surprised. He thought I felt the same. I said no and it would be nice if he asked me how I felt. We have since talked about it a lot and he may bend to one more but I do not like odd numbers with children so realistically it is two more and that is also a lot of sacrifice on the two I already have. Which means i have to give up Montessori school for them which I really love. I have reconciled this with a lot of tears. I wish for more but realistically is not viable and my husband is very happy with our two girls as he has never longed for a boy. If no.3 was a boy while he would love the baby but I would always know it was not what he really wanted and I am not willing to put our marriage under that pressure.

if it is something your husband truly no long wants ask him to get a vasectomy. If he is pulling the plug he is responsible for the decision he makes. I am now talking to my husband about this and he does not think it is necessary. I said if I get pregnant again he is fully aware that he is responsible for what happens and not to put it all on me.  If he is willing to talk about a third ask him to  think about it and return to talking about it a few months time and see how you feel then. The older my children get the less I want another baby. I had an awful night last night with my eldest and I was thinking today if I had a third baby how hard it would be to get through the day and do EL and do all the other stuff that has to get done. Since I do majority of the work raising the kids, do I have the energy for anymore?

I am disappointed and probably will always think "gee i wonder what it would be like to have more" but I have resided myself that this is it.

[BTBVEN]

I am in a similar situation. I have a daughter who's nearly 11 months. I had the most amazing pregnancy however we found the initial 6 months extremely tough due to reflux and cow-milk protein allergy associated feeding issues. Now, my daughter has no reflux and eats/drinks etc. but I still find feeding stressful. Our paediatrician said that it's likely that anymore children we have will also have allergy issues which may go-away in time.

As a result (including taking into consideration financials, lifestyle etc), my husband made an executive decision that we won't be having anymore children. I am still having a lot of difficulty reconciling to that and find it really annoying that this is a decision made without taking my views into account.

From a practical point of view, it makes a lot of sense to have only one child (we are both only children and I never missed having a sibling whilst growing up) as we did decide early on that we wanted to give our daughter every opportunity out there including private education, lots of extra-curricular activities, travel etc. As I have gone back to work, we have employed a nanny and that hasn't come cheap.

In my heart however, I feel that it would be nice to have 1 more child, but I feel that it's a selfish thought because financially giving two children everything that's out there is not feasible presently but something we could afford down the line however that would mean more than 3years age gap and I think by then I wouldn't really want to go through the whole sleepless nights etc. all over again.

It's a tough one.

[agnes4eva]

I had a baby girl 4.5 months and I ask my husband for another one when she was about 2-3 months. I want to have another one quickly so I can raise both together and they can have company. Also I can get over the sleepless nights all together. But he refused, initially he was adamant to stop at one only (as I have a few post-natal health issues), and after lots of begging and discussions, he is now happy to try for another one next year. I raised up a few issues such as she looks exactly like you and I want to have one that looks like me (irrational), what if we both died and she's all alone in the world as she has no siblings (we have 3 siblings each so I'm sure he understands) to my health issue that I want to have one sooner in case anything happens etc.

For me, I feel that he cannot refuse me without a good reason as I'm the one going through the pain & aches of pregnancy and sleepless nights. He told me that he has to focus on finances and also my health. I have read on the news how the arrival of a set of triplets broke up a happy marriage. So we discussed and agreed to stop at 2 (I wanted 3 to 4 kids). We will evaluate our circumstances again when the time comes. There are a lot to think about.

I agreed with BTBVEN that having one child is practical and the ability to give him/her the best. Khatty's points of having a larger family and the joy of having a newborn is great. There's really no right or wrong answer.

[Tamsyn]

Much of my desire for more children is religious- multiply and replenish the earth sort of thing.  I'm a Bible-believing mama.    Much of it is social too.  (Demographic Winter explains my world philosophy quite well.  <a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/lZeyYIsGdAA&rel=1" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/lZeyYIsGdAA&rel=1</a>).  I love children and see great benefit for my kids to have siblings.  I grew up in a family of 11 and I loved it.

From an EL point of view- sure, I won't be able to send my kids to a private school, but that was never my plan anyway.  When I shop for educational products, I first ask myself if the product is large family friendly.  Products like BrillKids are because I buy them once and I have them for all current and subsequent children- cheaper by the dozen.  Private schools aren't because the cost per child goes up instead of down.  But we make it work.  My 3rd child has benefited immensely from his older siblings- they have taught him as much as I have!  Bar none he's the most "gifted" 2-year-old I have had so far.  Ruth is bright too, she's just too young for me to prove it yet, haha.

My personal desire to have more children boils down to my conviction that I believe that raising good children is the very best thing I can do for society- the best way to make a positive impact on the world.  I find nobility in motherhood.

Certainly I don't want to shame anyone into having more children- that's a deeply personal choice.  I only offer my perspective as something to think about. 

[BTBVEN]

Tamsyn

I understand your views.

In our case, we can't afford for me to not be working (at least not at the present moment), so whilst I love the idea of homeschooling, its just not feasible - which means we have to look at private schooling where our daughter can make the most of the opportunities and teaching (in the UK, not all state schools have a high standard of teaching and of course not all private schools are as good as the fees they take). I just hope that we make the right choice in regards school. We do plan to add onto her learning by teaching as much as we can at home (during the times we have available around employment etc.) but this does mean that having a second child simply isn't practical at present :-(

I grew up without any siblings (but that was perhaps more circumstancial as my parents divorced when I was 6-months and I was raised by my mum as a single parent) and my husband is also an only child (out of choice by his parents to not have anymore). Neither of us missed having siblings when growing up but I now feel that it would have been nice to have a sibling with whom I can share my thoughts and vice-versa and get that 'family' support (blood is thicker than water as they say). I guess that's my main driver for wanting one more child so that my daughter has that family as she grows older (and when we are not around - not to sound morbid).

I have left it in the hands of god on whether a second baby is going to happen and if so, then everything else will also fall into place accordingly -finances, support etc.

[Tamsyn]

I will never judge another family for the number of children they have.  I know all too well how personal that choice is.  I also know what it feels like to be on the other side of the coin.  "Are you done having kids yet?"  "This is your last one, right?"  Even would-be compliments like "Wow, I could never do that" can hurt, depending on how it is said.  I don't like it.  So I really hope I haven't hurt anyone.  Of course you will have to make a decision based on your personal circumstances, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for doing what your family has to do.  I was simply putting in my own two cents.  We decided that we were going to have a big family and homeschool them during the courtship process, long before we learned about EL, so we've just always built our family around that assumption.  I won't deny that it has made it easier to do- having always planned for it.  It's so hard to switch gears and make big changes, ones you may not even want to, or be able make.  Do what is right for your family of course.

[Krista G]

Tamsyn,

I feel the same way and even after having 6 children, there are days I wish for more.  There is nothing like a baby to bring joy into your life.  Many people stop because of financial reasons, and that makes sense to some people, but I have to say that God has always provided all that we needed.  I have homeschooled my children always, had them with  me always, with the exception of a few days here and there, and even that doesn't feel like time enough.  I love the dynamics of a large family.  I always wanted 8 children and enjoy the fun, chaos and so forth that a big family brings.  I do believe it is a god-given desire to have children and my heart breaks for those who want more and are denied.  I don't think a man can understand what having a child fulfills in a woman's life.  My kids no longer need me for every little thing.  I miss that.  The early years are difficult and tiring but immensely satisfying as well.  A man may want less children because he may feel the financial burden of providing for the children, especially if the mother stays at home.

[Arielz]

I feel like saying "Ditto" to so many of these views except a few.  We have two, one boy and one girl.  I have always wanted three as I grew up with one brother and I always felt bored and wished I had one more sibling to play with.  Somehow three I feel is the magic number.  I just love babies.  I think the first two years are the easiest.  My youngest is 18 months, he is just getting over the baby stage.  I will miss it tremendously.  I still co-sleep with him and it is the most magical.  My toddler at 4, is so much more work than him.  I have to explain everything to her and I have less tolerance for when she makes a mess as oppose to when the baby does.  So I wonder everyday, what it would be like to handle three.  I do wish to homeschool them, so again I wonder how hard it is to homeschool three.

My husband on the other hand, wouldn't mind 3 kids, only if the last one happens by accident.  I had to take meds for the first two so the chances of us having another one without any meds is very rare.  I wish it would happen though.

One difficult thing with us, my husband works all the time, he cannot help with another kid.  We had kids at the right time, when he did have some time.  Now, I am essentially raising the two on my own, I feel.  I don't mind, I try to be the best I can do for them with Gods Help.  So that is the main reason, I leave it to fate and quite often wish too    But wishes don't always come true.   

[Mandabplus3]

I was never sure how many kids I wanted until the day my son was born. Then in that instant I knew our family was complete. Three was the magic number for me. My heart was full, my life was complete and our family was a family.
The only reason I would go for more would be if I ended up with another man. Then I could see myself popping out a couple more. Of course I am happily in love so that just isn't very likely 
the ladies I know those that long for more children and don't have them, long for more children for MANY MANY years,  perhaps always living with some regret. It is a difficult family choice...personally I think the men take more responsibility in the decision than they deserve. ( watch that can of worms open now!) the mothers are usually the ones doing the long term care and sacrifices so they deserve a little more say in the decision. I just think woman know when they are done!

[SRod]

Well I'm TTC because we only have our DD, and we would really like her to have at least one sibling. I initially wanted at least 3 kids, but I don't want them to be too far away in age. We'll see after DC 2 comes along if we get around to having another.

[Blingmama]

I am the opposite.  My DH would love more children.  I am more than hesitant.  We have a DD, 5.5 years and a DS 1yr.  Our DD goes to private school which costs a fortune and our DS will also go to a private school from preschool.  He is currently at a long daycare 3 days a week.  Both DH and I work from home in our own businesses (separate to each other).  We live in Sydney which is such an expensive city.

The reason I am hesitant is because of time constraints as well as financial.  I started "EL" with my DD at 3 years and she is in the top 1/4 of her class.  She has a lot of activities after school, swimming, piano, ballet, gymnastics, netball, financial literacy.  (each activity represents one day of the week. We have Wed off). She finishes school at 2.30pm!  She gets a lot of homework and is expected to do mathletics and reading eggs in her own time at home too, on top of her readers that can sometimes be 3 a day.  So it doesn't give me much time to work on my business, which I need to, to help pay for all of this.

DS is with me 4 days a week and I am trying to implement EL with him.  A subject I have become fascinated with since finding this forum. 

I do all of the  "teaching" with both kids, run the house, my business and try to be a good wife as well as occasionally doing something for myself.

Although I love kids, and have 7 siblings and loved nothing more than coming from a large family, I think adding another baby into the mix, would send me over the edge, with everything I have going on.

[verita]

A very interesting subject. I am a mother of three, and quite often wish for more. But like a few of you – my husband opposes the idea of more kids. For many reasons – space (we live in a small apartment – but that will change soon), finances, time, sleepless nights for me, difficult pregnancies (takes me away from kids metaphorically, because though at home I keep laying on the sofa and feeling unwell), and my age – 36 this August…
But though I see he’s right, and yet it’s not like he’s be extremely unhappy if we had one more by accident – he loves kids – he’d be very worried how we’re going to make it…
So, am I going to get over that feeling of wanting more or is it going to be constant regret?...

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