Why would my neighbours kid behave like this?

[Mela Bala]

Have you explained to your daughter about her private areas and how no one should ever touch them?  Except mommy and daddy giving her a bath.  Then you can explain to her if somebody does try she should yell for help.  I just think the situation is extremely sketchy since you explained it has happened on several occasions.  What you have witnessed is proof.  You can not take back the past and you shouldn't worry about that because this situation is not normal and you didn't expect it.  But when you started to feel uncomfortable you put a stop to it.  You are a great Mom and your daughter is lucky to have your protection.  Maybe try to explain to her mother in a way where you put the blame on a third party.  You could say I think someone else is influencing your daughter... And this is what I have seen... 

I would be begging my husband to move. A shared balcony can make things sticky.  but if these people have any shred of decency once they learn how troublesome they are to you they should be embarrassed and apologetic.  Maybe you can enroll in some self defense class it is worth it!  And you will feel more secure wherever you go. 

I had a problem with our neighbors when we were living in an apartment.  Nothing like yours but a problem to me.  As soon as they moved in I noticed our hallway was smelling like smoke it got so bad the smell was coming in our apartment.  Our other neighbors were not happy either.  We used wet towels by the door, leave all the windows and balcony open and I had to use a chemical based spray which cleaned the air ozium.  Every time I would take my son out I had to cover his head with a blanket and run out the hallway.  I left notes explaining we had a young baby etc.  they didn't care.  Other neighbors started putting bleach outside now my baby was breathing in smoke and chemicals.  My husband is so unconfrontational it is not even funny.  We have argued twice since the day we met.  One day while he was at work and it wasn't so smokey in the hallway I went to their door and confronted them.  They were apologetic etc.  for awhile the problem ceased but then it started back up.  We moved.

[nic31600]

I had been teaching her about her private parts but it hadn't been taught frequently. I really didn't think she was grasping that properly yet. I would ask her who can touch your vagina and she'd say something totally unrelated so I didn't know to continue or to leave it be for a while.I thought Maybe I should wait a bit. I did start telling her again after this happened. I ask her and she repeats 'Mummy, daddy and doctor can touch vagina'. I told her that these are people who can touch her when she needs to be wiped after going to the toilet and during medical check-ups so long as one of us is there. I'm going to start teaching her the different types of touching (appropriate/inappropriate).

Since this incident we have not had any of the neighbours in our house, the parents have asked to pick them up a few times, but we are not their taxi service, but my husband has ignored the calls/texts and the children are busy with new friends they've made. The girl has spoken to and played with my daughter on the balcony once but it was kept very short.

We won't be able to move because it was the only place we could find to live. We are really happy here and we've noticed that the parents must have said something because she declines to come into the house if my daughter asks for her to come in. Very unlike her to decline or unless she had been taking the hints I was giving her.

Fingers crossed it will be OK.

[annisis]

I know you seem to have settled this issue, but I just wanted to chime in on a few things.

I generally have a "live and let live" attitude, but that ends at my home and my children (and in professional situations when appropriate).

Of course, I don't know your relationship with your husband or how you feel about how others perceive you. I enforce rules in my home upon visiting children (and adults). In the case of children, that includes punishment (time outs, etc.) if their parents aren't around to do it. (I will also say something to children that appear unsupervised if they are acting out in a way that affects my children when out in public. I will also say something to adults and teenagers, too. I once yelled "Shut up. There are children around and I will call the cops" to a bunch of kids screaming profanities in a department store parking lot.)

I also have no problem saying who is not allowed in my home based upon their behavior. My sister invited herself and a friend over ONCE and never again. Everyone calls before they come over. No exceptions. It is a known rule. I am nice about these things once. After that, I may get ugly because I take it as a sign of disrespect (from adults as well as children), which I will not tolerate in my own home.

Friends are great, but my children are my priority. Luckily for me, my husband (a former Drill Sergeant) has the same feelings as I do on this subject.

[nic31600]

Well for now I hope it's settled. Obviously the talk my husband had with the parents must have helped or she's just really busy with her new friends who are a bit older than her.

My relationship with my husband is great and I've never been bothered by what others think of me. I've never had any child visit my home before. What a great first experience! My daughter did have an incident with an old neighbours 2 older children where the father didn't like the look of me and acted strange towards me and pulled his kids away from us but they have since moved.

The last time I yelled out shut up to somebody, I got a slap in the face! (by my SIL). Saying 'Shut up' isn't taken lightly in France generally. Unluckily for me, even when I ban someone from visiting, my husband still invites them over without telling me! but we are working on that.

I told her she is not welcome anymore and she seems to listen now. She doesn't make herself welcome. When I'm rude, I'm extremely rude and can throw in a few profanities and sometimes I can't stop.

Thanks

[cokers4life]

I am very sympathetic to your story.  Over the summer, I made friends with my neighbors and it has ended terribly.  I don't think I will do it again.  I was fortunate and got an easy way out without being all dramatic,and I was quite relieved.  However, I did have a back up plan.  I was going to place a lovely sign that said "Coker's Preschool now in session. No guests at this time.  Thank you." 

I have decided that I will be more careful in picking friends next time.  It may sound terrible but when you live in low income/affordable housing it is necessary to be a snob.  I am not the kind that has ever been a snob, but I think it is necessary now after becoming a mother.  It is important in some aspects to preserve your child's environment by limiting their exposure to bad peers.  Maybe I am wrong.  I am just not going to risk taking the chance so I will stick to my gut and be a snob of sorts.   

[nic31600]

I have the same thoughts cokers4life. Where I'm from in Australia, it was very rare to see anyone associate with their neighbours, they really kept to themselves. I didn't even go past to saying more than just hello to my neighbour of 22 years. In France, people are overly friendly with the neighbours or even strangers on the street and it really bothers me. I'm not very trusting of people and I'm really observant so I realised that I've become quite the snob myself. You can't trust just anybody.

FYI. I talked with the child's mother last night about this incident since I finally saw them for the first time. She did break down when I told her because she told me that at her daughter's old school she was frequently sexually harassed by 5 boys at her school who would show her their penis and would make her pull her pants down.

They relocated 2 hours away for their work after wanting to have a fresh start but she said she didn't realise it was going to become an issue and it has really made her realise that something has to be done. I told her that relocating away from the problem is not enough. This girl obviously is going to become a problem and she hasn't started at her new school yet. Now my daughter is a victim of a victim and I told her under no circumstances is her daughter allowed to set foot in my house again. She won't be associating with her unless it's on the balcony and just walking past.

I'm going to admit that I don't believe her when she says that she is going to take her to counselling. I was at their house last night (alone) and I was shocked at how they behaved with their friends in front of their children. If this was my daughter, I would have gotten counselling for her the minute I learned about these incidences or as soon as I could find the next available time slot. She says she has never been sexually abused but how is she to know that? I even cried myself and thanking myself everyday for always being extra vigilant and observant towards my daughters associates and her needs because it could have been worse if I never observed her behaviour 'suspiciously' from the start.

The family thanked me for letting them know because If I never said anything, she could have done something very serious and now they know to be careful with her and know this needs to stop.

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