Feeling down because my husband is not into early learning at all

[Oana86]

Dear All,

I am fairly new to this forum...but am so grateful that I discovered BrillKids in time ...my daughter is almost 3 months and am planning to purchase LR and LM and get her started. I've been using black and white flashcards since she was about 8 weeks old...and she's been responding really well...in the sense that she genuinely paid attention and seemed to enjoy herself.

The only problem that concerns me a bit (a bit more to be honest) is my husband's attitude....he doesn't seem to support early learning AT ALL...and thinks that children should be allowed to learn in 'the natural way'...I did try to explain him that it will actually be a wonderful experience (and already is) for our daughter and the methods are not based on forcing the child to learn, but on the contrary, on fun activities...not to mention all the advantages that come with the ability to read or calculate.....but he simply doesn't seem to be interested. He even mentioned that the videos I showed him (with babies that can real) are fake

I don't think he's against it....but I definitely don't have his support regarding LM and LR...and don't imagine him getting involved somewhere on the way.

Is there anyone else out there in a similar position?....

Any ideas or suggestions on what I should do to persuade him to back me up would be highly appreciated....

Oana
Any ideas or suggestion

[mypashmina]

People tend to get enthusiastic when they start to see some clear results. Its tricky when so young as in my experience results only really started being completely obvious at about 11months.

Larry Sanger wrote a good article about his experience taking on most of the arguments quite concisely http://larrysanger.org/2010/12/baby-reading/ .. its not too long.

The trouble is, imo that now that you know that you can do it , its hard to justify not doing it.

[waterdreamer]

I would say if he isn't dead set against it, but just doesn't want to participate. Go ahead and just do what you can on your own. once your hubby starts seeing results he may jump on board. He will still learn TONS from you!

[lois1]

Hi Oana86,

At first my husband was skeptical too about early learning. He wasn't dead against it just not sure that it would work - he wasn't all that convinced by the baby videos either. When my little boy was 13 months he signed that he needed to go to the potty & he went .. that was my husband's eureka moment that this stuff really works. He doesn't have much time to participate but he has even learned some sign language as well in order to understand what our little boy is telling him   I started later than you so it might take longer for you to see results from your baby & thereby convince your husband. But don't give up!

I would suggest that you just go about teaching your daughter as part of your daily routine, don't make a big show about it.. & don't listen to the naysayers. My in-laws would be anti-too much education but they heard a report on the radio purporting the benefits of baby sign language, & now they are all gung-ho about it. We live in different countries so I hadn't brought it up previously (e.g. when we're all on skype) as there would have been much rolling of the eyes.. but now they are so proud of their little grandson who can sign loads of animals & quite forcefully make his opinion known without any tantrums.

Keep up the good work, it's well worth it.
Lois

[Humbler9]

Oana,

I think it's wonderful that you are interested in early learning.  For myself, I have been more excited about ER than my wife.  It started out that I was doing 100% of the ER.  She has become more involved as time has gone by and currently does about 40%.  I started by making eye stimulation cards.  Then I purchased LR and LM.  I also purchased some books by Glenn Doman so that my wife saw that I was serious about ER.  Doing swim classes at home was a great opportunity for the whole family to get involved.  I got in the tub and did the class, and my wife took video of the class, dried, clothed, and started feeding one of the twins while I did the class with the other child.  She now teaches them Spanish through conversation and flash cards and sign language.  I teach English, math, swimming, and sign language.  When my wife started to see how the twins were progressing, that is when she really became excited about ER.

Perhaps I can possibly suggest this.  Buy some ER materials if money isn't an issue.  Begin teaching your child, and allow your husband to see the quality time that you are investing with your child.  Perhaps your husband has an interest in some areas of ER that he might be able to take part in.  Is he good at math? reading? geography? history? problem solving? music? games?  If he is passionate about any of those subjects, then maybe he would be willing to start taking part in your childs ER.  Once you have him helping in some area, then I feel he will really begin to support you!

My wife now backs me 100%  We do reading, math, music (the twins just bang on the keyboard for now), Spanish, English, sign language, swimming, memory games,  and lots of playing.  She is willing to add another language as soon as we decide which language that should be.

If that doesn't work, perhaps you can have a conversation with your husband about how he feels the school systems of today are?  If he feels that they are not sufficient for teaching your child, then perhaps he would be more willing to get on board with you.  Does he want to provide a fun, loving, educational atmosphere for your child to help succeed all the way through high school and beyond?  Forgive me for saying this, but...  I really hope that he wouldn't have an issue if his child became more educated than he is as the years go by.

Here are my thoughts:  The school systems do not provide the proper learning environment.  When a child is passed to the next grade level because the teacher is only concerned about making herself and the school look good, then that is not good.  I feel that if the child cannot pass the minimum requirements for their grade level, then the school and parents need to work together to see to it that the child catches up.  This is definitely where ER has an advantage.  I'd rather be proud of my children because they are "Curve Setters" instead of being embarrassed that they are "Curb Setters".  ER is a way to empower our children!  Would he like to see his child working from the Neck down (dare I say menial work) or working from the neck up?

[andreasro]

Dear Oana,

Warm welcome! and good for you to give your baby a wonderful opportunity: to have an interesting "babyhood"!
You can take things like this and also put it this way when talking to your husband:
why not trying it?
Worst scenario: me and my child will have spent quality time, will have had fun! Ask your husband if this isn't a good thing, by the way.
Best scenario: the child will prove, in 24 months (less than in fact if mom dos a great job), that EL is working after all! So it will be more joy in the house!

PS: Oana is a Romanian name, as far as I know, am I right? Are you Romanian too ?
By the way, my second baby is also enjoying the infant stimulation cards made and used after Doman method. He has a much smarter look to 

[seastar]

Hi Oana,

I know it's a difficult situation but just try to look at it this way - everyone comes to early learning at their own pace. Some luckly people, like you, start when their babies are a few weeks old, and some, like me, only come around when their children are nearly 2 or older! I was in your husband's position, believing that children should be allowed to develop naturally, and now I'm such a firm believer that I can hardly shut up about all of this.

I would suggest that you continue to work with your child in a low key manner and give your husband time to come around. And believe me, he WILL come around when he begins to see the fun you guys are having and, eventually, the results you are getting. Until then, hang in there and get your support from the people on here.

Best of luck!

[mybabyian]

My situation isn't exactly the same but still I can relate.  Last week I was feeling exactly like you.  A lot of things contributed, but I was particularly upset about my husbands lack of interest.  While he is generally not against EL he has expressed some negative feelings that maybe I don't need to be teaching my son this early.  Or, he thinks I take it too seriously.  I think those feelings come out in him when he feels like I am suggesting he get involved which his brain reads as criticism.  Otherwise, he says he thinks it is a good thing and believes that babies can learn.

I don't expect him to be involved so much in the teaching but I was just wishing I could share the joy with him.  For example, I called him to say our son used the potty and he said "Oh that's great.  I can't talk right now." But proceeded to talk to me 10 more minutes about something he wanted me to do.

He is a native Spanish speaker, but when he is with the baby he really doesn't say anything at all and if he does it is in English.  That is not to say he doesn't interact or isn't a great dad.  Typically what you hear from him are helicopter and car noises and things like that.     Still I couldn't help be disappointed that my son is missing out on the opportunity to learn his father's native language.  I do teach him but it is so much harder for me.

Anyway, here is my thoughts on the whole issue.  First, I ask myself what is the most important thing I want for my son?  I want him to be happy in life.  I think that is what most parents want for their children.  The absolute most important thing for my son right now I believe is that he feels secure.  For that the most important thing is that he sees my husband and I modeling a loving relationship with each other.  Flash cards don't matter if there is stress in the home. 

So the lesson for me is to appreciate my husband for the dad he is.  My son is enthralled with him as most kids are with their dads.  And, as long as he agrees I will continue to teach our son, just low key as others have suggested.  We haven't seen any real strong results yet as far as reading goes so who knows what my husbands attitude will be then.  (My son can clearly read the dog's names but I am not sure what else ) 

That is my experience.  Maybe something in it relates to yours.  One thing I would be cautious of though.  People don't like to be convinced of things.  They like to come to their own conclusions.  If they feel like they are trying to be converted to another opinion they often cling tighter to their beliefs.  You might not want to show him any more videos of babies reading or even talk much about it.  When he witnesses it first hand he will make his own conclusions.

Good luck and welcome!

[Mandabplus3]

Well you can see you are not alone
My hubby hasn't got a clue why his kids top their grades every year. He is proud and clueless!  He knows it has something to do with me working with them and occasionally tells me I am spending too much time being a teacher    I don't tell him because when we have broached the conversation in the past he couldn't have been less enthusiastic. Telling me to back off and let them be kids. Well my kids play out side every day, have fun at playgroup, get messy in the mud AND do some early learning.
I don't hide it from him but nor do I sit in front of him doing flash cards with our kids. Music he is fine with so piano is Ok. Languages he is quite against so I don't push that one but I do allow them to watch their favorite movies of Utube in another language ( I figure any exposure is better than none ).
All our kids are excellent readers and high in all areas age for age. It is worth it, keep going, with or with out his help.

[Oana86]

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement......it really means a lot to me and somehow it feels better to know that a few of you can identify with my situation....the fact that you did manage to convince your partner to come 'on board' motivates me to keep the same low profile and hope that at some point my husband will join us as well.

I don't think he's totally against it...but he is completely new to the concept of baby reading (so am I)....and quite skeptical about it. The good thing is that he didn't argue at all when I mentioned I want to purchase LM and LR....I would really like him to get involved and am planning to work on some sort of persuasion plan      I will follow Humbler9's suggestion and find something he's good at so he can teach our daughter as well....and add it to her daily schedule.

'Just wanted to say that this forum is such a great place for me 'to be'....and feel I have so much to learn from all of you.....I feel really really fortunate to have discovered BrillKids now ....I was always a strong advocate of early learning, but probably because I didn't have any children I wasn't aware that it can be so so well structured....

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts...

P.S.: Andreea intr-adevar sunt Romanca (locuiesc in Londra)....sunt fericita sa vad ca mai sunt Romani pe aces forum. Ar fi grozav sa citesc despre experienta ta cu bebele tau referitoare la educatia timpurie...si sa invat si eu din ea..

Andreea I am indeed a Romanian national (living in London)....so nice to see that there are other Romanians on this forum as well. I would love to read about your experience of early learning with you child and learn from it....

[andreasro]

P.S.: Andreea intr-adevar sunt Romanca (locuiesc in Londra)....sunt fericita sa vad ca mai sunt Romani pe aces forum. Ar fi grozav sa citesc despre experienta ta cu bebele tau referitoare la educatia timpurie...si sa invat si eu din ea..

Andreea I am indeed a Romanian national (living in London)....so nice to see that there are other Romanians on this forum as well. I would love to read about your experience of early learning with you child and learn from it....

I'm a Romanian living in Romania ) and there are few other Romanian mothers members of BK forum:
dalis, an active member that I talked to here: http://forum.brillkids.com/teaching-your-child-to-read/book-advice/
Arina and MamaAM wrote here: http://forum.brillkids.com/free-downloads-flash-cards-slideshows-and-infant-stimulation-cards/primavara-lyrics-in-romanian/
and catalina.

You can find in my posts about my experience with my kids, but this time I think we, you and I, can share the experience in the same time as my son is just one month and few weeks younger than your daughter
For now I'm using the Doman program with black and white than coloured flashcards for infant stimulation. And after a while, after I am sure that his vision is improving and can distinguish colours a bit, I shall use LM and LR, both in English and Romanian, and Sparkabilities DVD Babies 1, Your Baby Can Read and Tweedlewink DVD 1 and Romanian flash cards etc. Meanwhile, his ears are stimulated by what I'm using with his brother (age 3 years and 8 months) - learning solfeggio with LR and Soft Mozart, learning to play piano, Trebellina, LR and LM, Readeez, Classical Baby Show ( Music/Art/Dance ), songs in Romanian on youtube, English stories on youtube and much more.

His brother has a particular situation, as you'll discover in my previous messages on the forum. He's a brain-injured child recovering very well, I mean developing very normally for a child like that, and also healing (he's on the road to be completely healed, which is rare in kids with his condition). Anyway, I've started a real EL teaching with him when he was 2 years and 2 months old, my husband being a sceptic back then, not wanting to push the kid to learn things. Now we are both very proud of him. He's not reading yet, but he loves to learn foreign languages, loves to sing and to learn music, and he's eager to learn whatever we can teach him.

With the second boy I'm sure we'll have a lot of progress because I'm starting the EL much earlier and more consistent and I am more prepared both with materials and experience. I'm planning to make the LM curriculum in Romanian and also have a Romanian version of LR curriculum - I said "version" as I intend to use also what my boys enjoy most. It will be like a new beginning, very needed one, for the big boy who still has the right brain very active, and a very good beginning for the little one. ("Impusc doi iepuri dintr-o data"/ Two rabbits in a whole)

When you feel like, we can also talk in private, in Romanian or English )
If necessary, maybe we can start working on and exchanging materials, both in Romanian and other languages, I'd be happy to do that. So far I have used LR and LM as I bought them, without creating or translating LR in Romanian as I've been quite busy. But from now on I have plenty of time and reasons to do that
Also I haven't got the chance to talk to all our Romanian members, but I know some of them are very busy and have already done their own materials and are doing EL with success.

  Keep up in your pace, enjoy time with you daughter and write us when you need us, we're always here for each other on the forum!

Andrea

[Dr Miles R Jones]

Dear Oana86,

Try not to worry about your husband.  It is a typical attitude and you said he is not against it so it should not create obstacles.
 Once you have your daughter reading and doing math years earlier than others he will be a convert.   What matters is that
you not let it get you down.  Your baby is responding and that is what matters.  Good for you.  Keep it up!

[Dr Miles R Jones]

Oana86,

Regarding learning the "natural" way.  Learning to speak is natural.  Everyone does it.  Learning reading and math is cultural.  It must be taught. 
Waiting for your child to read "naturally" doesn't work.  It takes direct instruction and regular effort.  Yes, some children actually do read
spontaneously, crack the code subconsciously, if provided enough input but most do not.  Progressive Reading methodology pushes this
reading "naturally" approach and it has failed miserably in the schools. 

[linzy]

For many people early education is a foreign concept. Many feel like some kids are "just smart". When in reality a large portion of that is input and parental attention. This is why many studies have shown that first born children have higher IQs; the parents are less distracted, treat the children more like adults and have more time to spend with them.

My husband had not heard of early education before we started with our boys, but now after 5 years. Our children have accomplished amazing things and he is a convert. He even shares the information with firends and family and has shifted so far in the other direction that he feels it is irresponsible not to give children the opportunity to know and accomplish all they are capable of.  In his mind our kids aren't "those smart kids" they are just normal kids that becasue of opportunity have advanced beyond the cutural norms.

[Oana86]

Thank you so much for all your replies....I don't worry about my husband Dr Lewis because I know he wants what's best for your daughter (and didn't say anything for the last 3 months when I started buying and buying tens of books)...but I thinks it does bother me that he doesn't want to get involved....I think you are right and he will become a convert once he sees actual results....

Linzy thank you for your words of encouragement...my husband is new to the concept of early education...and I've been reading about it for a while now, but I really don't see myself as that knowleadgeable as there still so many things I need to learn...

Andreasro thank you for your long and comprehensive reply....I think you're doing a great job with your boys...and I'm really happy to find out that there are other Romanian mums on BrillKids. Regarding LM and LR in Romanian...is there a Romanian version ...or are you actually in the process of translating it and converting it accordingly to our phonics and rules?...can I help?I would love to swap educational materials (even though I don't really have that many at the moment)....I'm planning to raise our daughter bilngual so I'm only speaking in English with her (when it's just the 2 - or 3 with my husband - of us) and my husband talks to her in Romanian....but I'm not sure if I should use LM and LR for both languages simultaneously.

Any ideas of other  methods of stimulating her brain?...Like you, I'm using infant stimulation cards at the moment and read to her a lot.....and am planning to start LM and LR when she'll turn 3 - 3.5 months (in about 3 weeks or so). I would love to talk in private....do you use yahoo messenger?...if you do, please add my id (oana_onciuleanu)...

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