My daughter isn't comfortable at preschool

[akalori]

My daughter often complains that she doesn't want to go to preschool.  She is in the 3 yr old class.  I send her 2x per week for socialization and to prepare her for the grind of public school.  We can't afford private school.  Currently I'm a stay-at-home mom and lately we aren't even living within our means.  I planned to return to work in september 2012 when my dd enters full day kindergarten.  Once I get her to school she does fine according to the teacher.

Anyway today she cried and put up more resistance than usual so I let her stay home from preschool.  She read her books, sounded out words with letter blocks, and played Teach Me Kindergarten on the iPad (spelling, sight words, addition, and subtraction).  All of her learning activities were self-motivated and I just provided support as needed.  I am so proud of her self-motivation and independent learning. 

However my mother voiced concern that my daughter is learning how to manipulate her way out of attending school.  I must admit that I worried about it too.  I've let her go in late to school twice.  I also keep her home when she is even just a tiny bit sick.  But today was the first time that she stayed home just because she didn't want to go. 

She isn't comfortable around the other kids.  I don't know if it is because she is socially inadequate or if it is because she is more advanced than her peers.  She is very reserved, and has lots of self control in comparison to the other kids.  She doesn't seem to know what to do with the other kids.  Should I be worried? 

I meet very brilliant kids who are at the top of their class and love school.  But I can't figure out how or why.  You would think that they should feel out of place and bored at school.  I know I felt uncomfortable at school due to being advanced.  My daughter is much further ahead than I had been.  Is anyone else planning to send their kid to public school?  The gifted program doesn't start until 3rd grade in our school district.  I wish I had the option to send her to private school or even home-school.  We even have a nearby private school that allows homeschoolers to attend part-time, but I can't afford it.

Lori

[Rivi]

Hi Lori,

did you try to speak to her teachers about it? They might be a great resource in identifying the source of your daughter's discomfort, and they can also be helpful by paying her more attention for a while, both to identify the source of the problem and to help find a solution.

If you little one is too advanced for her group, you could try to have her go into kindergarten a year early. This will take some convincing and testing from a child psychoiogist (some specialize in school readiness testing). I am looking into this myself for later because my son is a December baby.

[PY]

First I will talk to the teachers and have a conversation with them about her behavior once you leave the school.Does she plays with the other kids?does she participate en class?does she ask for you often?Does she cry..how often?
Then I will ask your daughter..why does she acts like that? why she doesn't like to go to her school? if she likes to play with other kids there? if she likes her teachers?
Most children know how to manipulate parents very well, they know if they put some resistance on doing something mommy will give up.Maybe she does this only to make you unconfortable and stay at home with you...
If this doesn't change and increases you will have two choices , change pre schools or keep fighting with her. I don't think she is bored at the preschool, she is very young to realize that she knows more than the other kids...if the other kids are doing something she will go along for the ride because she thinks is fun.
Good luck.

[Aude]

I have similar problem. My child does not want to go to preschool.She cries and cries.  I started to talk about it with friends an people with young children and it is a very common situation, much common that I first tought. As adults, children have their own personality and not all children are equal. Each child have their own development. That is my point of view. Some parents told me that this situation change at the age of 4, they noticed that children are happy to go to school (maybe because atvities are more interesting). Since then, lot of love, patience and respect. Not the perfect solution but l give you my support.
regard,

note: sorry about the English, it is not my first language.

[akalori]

Okay, thanks for the input.  I guess I'm going to try to just tough it out and make her go.  It is good for her to learn to be more confident without Mommy.

Lori

[LM]

My son turns 3 in July and is supposed to start nursery in September, so I started doing research whether that is the best thing for him, I also read a book by Steve Biddulph, 'raising babies'- should under 3's go to nursery? Steve suggests that the best environment for the child is home, untill they are comfortable with going to nursey, I would suggest that if your daughter is not comfortable, keep her at home untill she is atleast 31/2 or 4 and try again. That is what I am going to do with my son anyway. Try to do research on advantages and disadvantages of sending kids to kindergaten, then try weighing your options and decide whats best for your daughter

[Wolfwind]

Since your daughter does not like preschool and you said money was tight, why not keep her at home? I agree that socializaton is important but preschool is not the only way. None of the kids in my family went to preschool for various reasons and we all did just fine in normal public school. We did have each other to interact with and we attended regular play groups as well as playing with friends and it worked out fine. If there are any other moms with kids your daughter's age nearby you could ge together once or twicce a week and let them play. It is free and your daughter can socialize with Mommy nearby.

I do not want to imply that preschool is not a good option. I just want to point out that you have other choices.

[TracyR4]

I agree. Preschool isn't the only way for socialization. I homeschooled for 8yrs and we found our social outlets on our own and to be honest it was way more enjoyable for both me and my children. My girls are social 'bugs' and honestly aren't the worst for wear. I say if she isn't ready for preschool then she isn't. You really did give it a good try. They are only little once in their life. Enjoy it while you can.
It seems  that society is just in such a hurry to have our kids grow up. Let them be children. I always tell my girls that you are a child for such a short time in your life and once your a grown up your a grown up for the rest of your life.

We were able to find fun social outlets for prek. Going to the library reading groups, the YMCA for swim and gym, finding homeschool groups and getting together,, dance lessons, gymnastics etc.

This year my girls decided they wanted to go to school and to be honest they've come back and told me they really weren't missing out on anyone. That they enjoyed their time with their friends when they were home because they had something to look forward to. Now they see them everyday. So I guess there is such thing as to much of a good thing.

If your not wanting to homeschool I say take her out and try again next year for kindergarden. Sometimes they just need a little extra time to grow in maturity.
IIf your wiling to give homeschooling a try then go for it. Really she's not missing out on anything.

[DadDude]

We're having a similar problem.  We were sending H. to preschool for several months, just for socialization.  We took him out when the new baby arrived and were about to put him back in, but he dug in his heels and said he didn't want to go.  When asked, the best I could make out is that he finds it boring and just didn't like it.  Really, I don't know what the problem is.

We're finally going to find some classes to put him in.

[akalori]

DadDude,

What kind of classes?  My daughter's preschool class is just learning to identify their basic colors and shapes, and to recognize their own first name.  I just send her there to socialize.  But at least the teacher reads a story every day, and they color, cut, or paste.

I'm not sure whether it is just a developmental thing - not wanting to separate from Mommy - or boredom, or not being able to relate to the other kids. 

Unfortunately preschool happens during the morning which is when she most enjoys working on her academics at home.  She likes to bask in a sunny spot with books and blocks.  I feel so conflicted about interrupting independent studies to drag her off to preschool.  Sure she can just learn after school.  But it is just recent that my daughter has begun to really enjoy teaching herself things with just a little support from me.  Sometimes I worry that if it isn't reinforced that this habit will go away.  She looks so content and happy when she can spend all morning learning.

On the other hand, maybe she is learning valuable socialization lessons at school. I think for now I'm going to try to swallow my conflicted thoughts and just send her. 

Lori

[DadDude]

We still haven't made up our minds.  Probably Suzuki violin (he wants to play fiddle like Papa) and some sport.

We put my son not in a preschool but daycare.  They did have a story circle, but that was in fact his least favorite time.  I think the reason for this is that he's used to being able to control what is read and he can be pretty picky, and the books are usually pretty simple picture books, and he is used to reading more advanced stuff now.  Whether, as you say, it is not wanting to separate from Mama, boredom, or not relating to the other kids, I can't tell either.  One problem is that while before his Mama sat in the class with him, now she won't, because she's taking care of baby, so I think he doesn't want to go by himself.

I'm seriously envious that your girl will just sit and read for a long time by herself.  I think we've spoiled him by letting him play all day long with Legos, which is what he does when they're out.  Well, we're going to put them away and see if we can get him reading more by himself, as he used to.  It's only been since they have come out again that he's completely neglected his books, though--just about three months or so.  But I still read to him every breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bedtime, and that still adds up to well over an hour a day.  Also, almost every day we study Rosetta Stone Latin.  I had to insist on this in the beginning, but now he is quite warm to the whole idea.  Rosetta Stone version 3 is great, one of the best pieces of educational software I've seen.

[shaman]

We had the same experience. My son went to a day care for about 6 months- they had their study plans chalked out, so we thought we'd send him there for a few hours for socializing and he would learn whatever they taught the other kids.

He loves to talk and interact with other people. However, at the daycare, he didn't speak to the teachers- they told me they hadn't heard him speak much at all, which was very unlike him. As soon as he came home, he would tell me what happened at daycare, the songs they sang and all the art work they did, so I assumed he was an observer and that is how he learnt. He did everything his teacher asked him to do and sat with the other students during story time etc etc.

I discussed this with his pediatrician, who told me that my son is probably getting bored since he already knows a lot of things they are teaching the other kids- she told me that he is not getting enough stimulation . I had told her only once that we were advocates of early education, did prenatal stimulation etc.....the rest of the things were all her deduction after observing my son on various occasions. She asked us to send him to a Montessori - thats where he will start going this week- 3 days a week.

Our children obviously get more attention and mental stimulation at home from all of us....I guess I should have know better than to choose a regular daycare and expect him to 'not expect more excitement' and just go there to socialize for those hours.

Lesson learnt. We will be paying closer attention to how much new material he gets to experiment with and new things he gets to learn at school- will have to make up for it at home. I am planning not to repeat the Montessori activities at home. That is why I chose to do JG at home (for reading and math) and let him be exposed to Montessori math and reading at school. We'll see if this helps.

I am sure he will enjoy Montessori.

[akalori]

DadDude,

Don't be jealous.  Your son is so much more advanced.  My daughter will be 4 yrs old in April and I think she is reading on a kindergarten level.  She tries to sound out simple words and has lots of sight words memorized.  The books that she can read by herself are school-made reading primers (my son's hand-me downs).  They are very basic and predictable.  With other more complex books, she pretends to read them but won't look at the words.  She will only try the more difficult books if I read with her.  Also we just got an iPad for xmas, she is thrilled with it and plays a lot with  "Teach Me Kindergarten."  Fortunately it captivates her more than my son's favorite apps - "Angry Birds" and "Plants vs Zombies."

Lori

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