What to do when all you get is I CAN'T I CAN"T DOOOOOO IT. ITS TOOOO HARD! HELP

[Kimba15]

I need help to fix my eldest's attitude before it gets to late.

Miss S is driving me insane... I don't know if it the end of the year and she is tired from school. An attitude she has picked up from school or she is using the I CAN"T DO IT because she just does not want to do the early learning any more.

A few weeks ago when her readers when she jumped quite significantly in reading levels at school from 21-27 (Even though I know she can read better than lvl 27 any way) She started fighting me on doing her reader. Whining purposely making mistakes on words she already knows or flatly refusing to sound out words or even try. Saying it is too hard which I respond to her "That is rubbish Sophia I know you can read this just sound it out and I will help you. She wouldn't do it and most days I would have to stop the reader because we would be still going after 1 hour because she was dragging it on purpose and I would have to wait to my husband got home to finish it with her where she would start the same crap with him but at least he has more patience to deal with her.

This attitude has also spilled into other areas. Like lego building. For example she wanted me to build her an aeroplane out of duplo this morning and I was busy working with Anneliese. I said you can do it look at the picture on the front of the box and try to copy it doesn't matter if you make mistakes I will help you with it later. So she then decides its too hard without even giving it try. So in the end I help her and then tell her she has to some of the building herself because I am not going to do all of it for you. She then goes on to proceed trying but gives to bits a go and gives up.

All I try and do is think of what I must have done some where along the line to make her be a quitter? Maybe I pushed her to hard? Maybe I praised her intelligence too much? I just don't know what I have done to cause her to be sooo stubborn and giver upper if there is such a word.

Please help me how to I go back to getting a little girl who loves to try?

Kimba

[khatty]

Kimba,
That seems like a similar attitude to my oldest daughter (5 years old in a few weeks). Whenever I even suggest we do any Math, she says No, too hard, Can't be done, and generally throws a temper tantrum and won't do it. It was impossible to do any math with her. I just walked away and gave up. I reminded myself that Doman always says Stop before they are ready. Well, she wasn't ready and I stopped before I even started. I just put it away. We did other things, played games, puzzles, played outside, read, etc. If I even mentioned a number or started to count, she would start with the attitude. I tried to just enjoy other activities and forget about the math.

During our math hiatus, I thought about the situation. I think part of the problem was that I wasn't enjoying it, I wasn't happy/excited/pleasant enough about the math teaching. I was treating math like a lesson, and not like a fun game. I think another piece of her attitude was that I was pushing her a little, I was reaching for math skills that were beyond her comfort level, yes she could DO them but they were a challenge for her. I haven't figured out all the pieces to her attitude yet, but I also think another part of the problem is that reading comes so easy to her that she isn't use to the NOT getting something instantly.

This has all added up to me really backing off and letting my daughter set the pace with Math (or at least that is what I am trying to do). I have slowly started to reintroduce some basic math, really basic numbers and counting in some fun games. When she smiles and starts to play along, I am excited to see it. Only when she requests math games do we play them. I am trying to be content with the idea that she needs to be spend more time at this basic level of math. That it is more important that she enjoy math and do a basic level, then move onto a harder level and dislike math.

I can't say we are making any progress in math, but my daughter is at least now saying, I like math instead of No, Can't, Etc.

Not sure that helps you, but hopefully your daughter's attitude will pass soon.

[queriquita]

hey kimba,

definitely a delicate topic, no?  hmmm ... i don't recall how old she is, but here are my two cents - not based in anything but experience and my gut - so, no promises.  it sounds like she's hitting the self-aware perfectionist stage of 'giftedness', the one where she begins to judge herself, doubt herself, and reduce confidence in herself because of the realization that she won't get it perfect right away.  btw, i think the whole giftedness thing, in case you haven't already read from other posts of mine, is a bit rubbish, since i think all children are capable of 'giftedness', but that's a completely different topic thread.  anyway, 'gifted' children tend to fall into this sort of trap where they realize that they are being judged for being so 'good' at xyz.  being good at xyz and (all things) becomes their identity - how they receive attention/value (what's biologically drilled into us as necessary for survival).  people praise them, things come easily, and then a fear of failure and resistance to trying set in ... bc if they try and fail, then, 'oh no! what does it mean? (i'm no longer special? what is my identity? i have failed at what gets me attention, i am not worthy?)'.   what's in parentheses is not what a child can usually put into words, but emotionally it can lead to this.  i still recall how much i hated, hated, hated whenever my mother would 'brag'/mention an accomplishment of mine to anyone.  it was horrible.  in hindsight, it was normal for her to mention such things, but it always made me feel pressured to perform, so much that i became a quitter. yup.  i'm still overcoming bad habits instilled from that time in my life.  *sigh*  ... i digress.

good gifted education specialists  realize the importance of creating an environment where such children are encouraged to try bc if they can't learn that it's ok to make mistakes then ... well ... i'm sure you can imagine how that's just not going to be ok for a productive life.  

so here's a good paragraph from http://www.nagc.org/index.aspx?id=659 (i'd encourage you to check the rest of it out)

4) Good teaching for gifted learners requires an understanding of "supported risk." Highly able learners often make very good grades with relative ease for a long time in school. They see themselves (and often rightly so) as expected to make "As," get right answers, and lead the way. In other words, they succeed without "normal" encounters with failure. Then, when a teacher presents a high-challenge task, the student feels threatened. Not only has he or she likely not learned to study hard, take risks and strive, but the student's image is threatened as well. A good teacher of gifted students understands that dynamic, and thus invites, cajoles and insists on risk-but in a way that supports success. When a good gymnastics coach asks a talented young gymnast to learn a risky new move, the coach ensures that the young person has the requisite skills, then practices the move in harness for a time.   Then the coach "spots" for the young athlete. Effective teachers of gifted learners do likewise.

and number six from the gifted child's bill of rights, reprinted at http://blogs.edweek.org/teachers/unwrapping_the_gifted/2007/11/a_gifted_childs_bill_of_rights.html is:
6. You have a right to make mistakes.  again, i encourage you to check out that blog.  good stuff.

like i said before, i haven't been trained on any of this (yet), but i'd probably back off with that approach and try another way, like we do when they're younger.  take the pressure off ... consider a new strategy to accomplish the goal.  i had to remind myself last week that i'm an adult, but even i like being read to ... so after getting similar replies from joey, i started reading to him again, instead of him reading (to me).  initially, he just let me ... i think he really enjoyed the attention, but after a few sessions, he started wanting to take over again.  since he was born, my mantra has been "when he's 20".  by then all of these 'issues' should be long resolved, no?  i'm not so sure about the readers that you're doing, but here's what i know:  we love our kids and they are wonderful children.  it's ok for us to give them a little space now and then and follow their lead.  they often surprise us. ;-)  for me, the important thing is that they continue figuring 'things' out and making connections.  this can be accomplished with math, science, reading, cooking, sports, story-telling, etc.  i just try to keep the wheels churning and the flame that fuels the passion for learning alive.  everything else, i have faith, will fall into place.  :-)

hope some of that helps.  off to write another paper, but it was good to check back in on you (even if briefly)!

[queriquita]

khatty, i think you're right on with the math. 

i just read this

A great teacher for a gifted child is one who is knowledgeable about gifted learners, is able to assess the child's zone of proximal development, and is prepared to take the steps necessary to move the child on from that point.

at http://blogs.edweek.org/teachers/unwrapping_the_gifted/2008/05/seeking_teachers_for_gifted_ch.html and decided to post here since your comment about knowing that she CAN do something but it being a challenge reminded me of it.  there are posts on this forum about rewarding challenges attempted, rather than outcome with no challenge.  i believe that a balance for acknowledging both as good is necessary, but i fall into the 'good job' habit considerably more.  i have been consciously making a larger effort of explaining to joey (especially after he mimics something his little sister does in hopes of receiving the same attention) that those aren't challenges, while giving him a lot of praise for effort made, and not just outcome.  like i said, though, it's a conscious effort, so thanks for the reminder! ;-)

[LDSMom]

I've been trying out a little experiment with my son who sometimes falls into that "I can't" response. I instigated what I call the " 10 minute try" which is now part of his homework routine.  he has to try any task I ask him to for 10 minutes, with very little to no help from mom. I make it very clear that I just want to see him trying, with no whining, and it does not matter if he finishes the task at all. All I care is that he tries. If he tries the task and doesn't whine, he gets a sticker to add to his chart. We've done things like learn to zip his coat, learn how to do his own buttons, do a large puzzle, do math problems, etc. most of the time he actually does learn how to do the task and may finish before the timer, but I'm very careful not to praise him for finishing on time, just praising him for working really hard during those ten minutes. I think he actually is learning that he really can do anything he puts his mind too because the "I cants" sure have quieted down a lot! A funny note: he was working on a large world floor map and I heard him singing to himself... "What doesn't kill ya makes you stronger.." Haha!

[LDSMom]

Just wanted to also say that the 10 minute try has nothing to do with his actual homework that he is expected to do and complete. For now, its just for after schooling stuff and normal things  that he'd get frustrated and give up on....like zipping up a coat.

[Mandabplus3]

I have a few "I can't" kids in my class. Some quickly turn to a full tantrum. My stand with them is the same as the one I used with all my kids from the very beginning.
I will not help if you don't try!
Plain and simple. They all know it, they know I don't budge from the rule. They even know to begin the conversation with " I tried and I got stuck on this bit" when they come to ask for help.
It's amazing just how many new skills they have learnt to do all by themselves, just because they tried. Some can now write their names, other can do laces and buckles, some can make their own beds or fold sheets...none of them had ever been told to try before.
So on top of that...you have another issue. Your child has jumped from 21 to 27. If it's the reading set I think it is you have gone from large print achievable amount of words to smaller print basically novels. Also your child who didn't read the levels in between has missed out on easily learning to recognize a number of common throughout the series words they would have built on gradually. You will find there are the same phonics patterns being sounded out regularly. Also the readers have gone from an easy stroll in the park to a 5 km run. ( not the 10pm run she is capable of but a challenge all the same) plainly your child needs support and encouragement. Break the reading up into short sections, don't tackle the whole lot at once even though you know it's doable. Set the goal clearly at the beginning. 
 It is quite possible that it is end of year exhaustion also. I get a lot more resistance to extra stuff and even the basic homework from my two this time of the year. It is so easy for them to carry the attitude of one task over into the next subject or activity.   I think the reading jump may be your big issue so focus on fixing that one first, if breaking into smaller attempts doesn't work. Give up. Tell her you will ask the teacher to drop her down 2 levels, this threat was enough to get my girl back on the wagon this year. In the past I actually have requested a drop in their reading levels as I thought they were under too much pressure overall and they weren't enjoying it. The good news is that a mum who requests a drop in reading level is much more likely to be taken seriously the next time you ask them to put your child's reading level up! I have got to the point where I walk in and say " she needs level 26 now please" and I get it. 
Don't stress too much you have all holidays to work on it hope that helps!

[msocorro]

my kid does the same, he just askes too much form him self, he cant not do it wright... just the other day he was playing in his jungle gym, and he did something, I still don´t know how.. but he called me in to see him preform, and he culdnt get it wright, again inhis way of seeing it, I tryed to encourge him to try again, but he just got more and more mad with him self, he got to the point he was crying because he couldnt do what he wanted to sow me...
the next day he decided he couldnñt do things I have seen him do, many times. with my kid, what usually works ( because he is soo prefeccionist) is to say : sure you can!!! you do it perfect!!! ( in things I know he knows how to do), and hey you did this much, that was great!!!( event if I know he wants to do more and has done more, but is fustrated because he thinks he might do it wrong)

how long has she been in school? she has a smaller sister? she might just want some ateccion with out the presure of doing it wright... and she mighthave figured out thatnot doingit makes you stay moretimewith her...
just a tought
any ways, great job as a mom, and kids are like that...

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