Giving birth - who to let visit...

[ovetta2001]

I'm pregnant and I still have a very long way to go (not expecting till Jan) but a weird argument has started with my partners family and I'm not sure how to handle it or if I'm in the wrong.

Long story short when I give birth I want my other half to be there and thats it...the family are fine with this. HOWEVER I also don't want them there at the hospital. I'm not doing it to be spiteful or anything. I'm just wanted to be able to relax and calm down and bond with our first baby without having to play host to other people when I'm already going to feel like cack.

The family are furious. They argue they only live ten min away (which is true) and they would just pop in and out. Now If I was to be staying there for a week or so I would say not a problem (and if this for some reason happens then after a couple of days thats fine) but I've been told by our doctor we will be in there a max of 48 hours if there is no complications. I don't want to have to give birth and then have to worry about people treating our baby like a gallery when she will be there just the same a few days later. I have already told them we will visit after we are out etc


At first my other half agreed with me but now his family has been nagging at him and he is starting to cave to them.

Am I being unreasonable?

Thanks guys

[Skylark]

Absolutely!!!

You are the one giving birth, and it is very important for you to feel privacy and have space to relax. Actually ( as someone who worked a lot with birthing woman) I can assure you that whatever will help you to relax, stay calm and concentrate on your birthing experience, is worth any sacrifice. It might mean natural safe birth or complications and c-section! During birthing experience A LOT depends on womans hormones and ability to relax and flow with labor, if you are tense, it will cause you to have pain, then you will get more tension, not being able to relax and that would start a vicious cycle. So whatever it takes, make all the arrangements to take any pressures or distractions away on your birthing day.

Secondly, first 36 hours are the most crucial for mother-baby bonding. We always were encouraging mommies that I have attended births of, to announce a baby-moon to all their friends and relatives, saying that they will take the time to bond and relax with the baby for the first few days. Yes, it took some explanation ( but after a while people get used to your wishes if you are firm, and if they don't, remember it is abut the baby, and it is important and they will get over it eventually!) And even then when they come for a visit you can encourage them to keep it short, as you are still recovering.

Hope this helps!

Oh, and I forgot to mention. There were a couple of births that I have attended, where parents or in-laws were way too persistent about being there and seeing baby minutes after birth, and couple felt that they could not do anything about without BIG SCENE, so midwives were the ones who played a "bad guy", they would announce that baby was born, and then say that parents can come for a couple of minutes to congratulate mother ( when it was convenient for mommy), and then they would usher them out pretty fast, saying that now it is time to take care of newborn exam, etc.     Just an idea

[kizudo]

The woman with whom I shared a room had so many people coming in and out of "her" curtained area that it drove her to tears - not just pretty little tears - big puddles on her gown tears.  There were SO many people it was like a mall!  She had a major meltdown and begged her husband to please call everyone else who was supposed to be coming to ask if they would just stay home.  It was NOT pretty.

I think it is far better to do what you are doing - both the choice of not having visitors, and the fact that you are making it known far in advance.  They have plenty of time to deal with it.  Your partner can send photos from the hospital - that way they can see him/her while s/he is "fresh"

And, if you do decide to have them visit - schedule them.  Tell them they only get 10 minutes and give them a specific time that they can come.  That's what we did - my parents, his parents, and my sister - no one else was invited.  It was my party and I was in charge!!! 

[LDSMom]

We actually had our first son on a peaceful Sunday afternoon, and we just didn't call anyone to let them know I was in labor. We had the baby and then just had the most peaceful day at the hospital, and then the next day we called Grandmas (who live 5 mins away) and siblings to come over if they wanted to. I had the chance to rest, take a shower, it was wonderful.  Then when we went home we asked everyone to stay away for one week so we could have our family bonding time. They were resentful at first, but it really truly made me feel like I was the parent, and I could figure out how to breastfeed without an audience around, and I was in control. They may still not understand all of our reasons, but it worked out to be wonderful for me.

[Skylark]

LDSMom, that is so wonderful! Thank you for sharing. We did the same with both of ours -- we did not call anyone we were in labor, till the baby was born, I felt less pressure that way ( and I was giving 1st birth at 42 weeks and second -- at 43 week!). What also helped we never told anyone the Due date. To start with it is not accurate in most cases, and just causes everyone to start asking you every day, so baby is not born yet, when it will be born, isn't it a time, etc? It puts so-o much pressure that way! We simply said that our first was due at the end of January and our second -- "sometime in July". It really made big difference! And since we only called everyone once the baby was born and we've rested, it was actually a fun and exciting thing to make phone calls and announce, we LOVED it and will do it again, if we will have another one!    Both of our experienced were wonderful, and even though we had complications with the second one it turned out wonderful at the end, and it helped tremendously to not feel under pressure and having to perform, when we were in the middle of it, and just think about the baby and birthing!

[Karen84]

This time is about you and your baby.

Pleasing anyone other than yourself and your baby is not your priority, even your husband.

I actually wanted my mum and dad at the delivery and they were very helpful, they put hot towels on my back and were there to take some photos while hubby and I were still dazed and confused. I wouldn't recommend having anyone in the room who you don't feel 100% comfortable with being there--but those you are very comfortable with can be a big help.

After the birth my mother-in-law turned up uninvited before I had even showered. I was too exhausted to argue and hubby was too beaming with pride to send her away himself. I thought hubby and I had discussed this very clearly previously but apparently not.

If you have great relationships with your own fam or his fam then having them visit and take some film or photos can be lovely. But this is about you and baby only so if you don't want them there, they have no right to contest your decision. If you have a difficult relationship with these people, having them around while you are tired, sore, vulnerable and emotional is probably the last thing you could possibly need.

[ovetta2001]

Thanks guys. Just sat the fam down and told them all my plans for the first 48 hours.

Told them my other half could no be bullied by them as I am putting my foot down and anyone that turns up at the hospital will be turned away.

They got mad and I explained to them politely that it wasn't about them and they needed to stop making it that way.

When they got rude I told them (with my hormones now exploding) that they can all f-off and never see our child if this is the way they are going to act before shes even born. It's our child and this is how we chose to raise it just as we don't butt in and tell them how to raise their kids.

I think my explosion shocked them (i'm normally quite quiet and calm) but they soon realised this situation wasn't going to change with their bully tactic and they backed off.

They have been a little bit sulky and I think they are now hoping that closer to the time I will change my mind but they now understand it's not a topic to push my buttons on.

Thank you everyone for your advice and stories. I wasn't as calm as I would have liked to be when we all talked about it but hearing what you all had to say made me realise that this is what was right for me and my partner and I should go with my instincts. Made me stick to my guns (and seeing the families shocked face when I blew up was worth it too). 

[Kimba15]

You know what GOOD ON YOU for sticking to your guns! I wish I had.

My MIL was an absolute pita when I was pregnant with my 1st. I was induced with her and she asked if she could turn up and see me when I was in Labour. I said no because i had already told my own mother she was not welcome and that this was our moment. I even wrote on my birthing plan that NO FAMILY OR FRIENDS were welcome until I said so. Well did that stop her NO se still came to my room (She works at the hospital) My husband went out to her and she asked to come in and my husband said NO we told you not to come until we said it was okay Kimba has asked to be left alone please repect that. (One for my Hubby) But it also took him 9 months to tell his Mother off. She works in the Neo-natal intensive care unit and proceeded to tell me every horror story their was to tell. I thin k she thought she was being caring and I thought she was being an absolute cow. When I was 30 weeks pregnant she said to me well I hope you don't have the baby this week because all the Neo-natal units in Adelaide are full and you will have to go to Melbourne which is 800kms away. Who on earth says that to a 1st time pregnant lady?

After she said that I happened to turn to my SIL and said Your mother is driving me NUTS and do you think it will be okay if i ban her from coming to see me at the hospital? SIL said something to MIL and her horror stories soon stopped.

MAKE SURE YOU STICK TO YOUR GUNS and if you are very unsure that they will listen to you. Put it in your birthing plan and make it very clear that if any one asks to see that you are rung first and make sure that your room no. is not given out unless it is with your approval.

[khatty]

I truly agree that the only people at a birth should be the same people as at the conception

However, it is tough when other family do not understand.  Perhaps you could pass along a few books for them to read so they understand the natural birth process better.  Anything written by Ina May Gaskin is wonderful.  Or maybe direct them to a few websites that you enjoy so they can better understand and appreciate your perspective.

Do what it takes to have the birth you want for your baby, but it does help if you know all your family supports your birth and parenting plan.

[waterdreamer]

Yep, stick to your guns. I had people coming, because I wanted them. But I did not want my now ex mother in law to come till I had time to rest because I needed energy to deal with her garbage.
Well she LIED to the nursing desk and said she was MY mom. Walked in, found out it was a boy and sat there for 5 mins talking to a nurse how disappointed she was because she REALLY wanted a girl. If I wasn't exhausted from 38 hours of labour and still cooked on drugs I would have strangled her with my bare hands. Sadly my ex was spineless and choose not to stand up to her.
If you don't want anyone there, don't tell anyone your in labour.
Good Luck and I'm proud of you for standing your ground.

[Ann2010]

No you are not being unreasonable.  You are carrying the baby and how you want to give birth and who you want around is your choice.  You will only be in the hospital 48 hours without a c-section with a c-section you only get an additional 24 hours.  People need to get a grip and stop trying to control other peoples lives. Your partner needs to support your choices and not cave to family.  Family will pull on you all wanting a lot over the years you all have to decide what works for you.  Some people will like it and some will not.  Good luck with the baby and don't let this stress you out.

[mruiz]

Well, if the baby comes out, you do not have that much control over who goes in and out.  You could probably settle it down and talk things out to avoid stress when the day comes as the last thing you would want to handle is shooing a lot of people away who just came there to celebrate. So you have to tell them why and how things are going to be.  It would not be easy but they would be really excited so we could not do much about that, really.

[PY]

Well I prefered stay around my husband and close family, after my child was born I just turned my phone to the silent mode to be able to enjoy my moment, friends will call and my husband will say , she is just resting maybe next month we will have visitors.

[studentfirst2]

I already told my friends and some family, that I don't want any visitors at the hospital or even the first week when I come home until I establish a good breastfeeding routine with my son. I simply explained that (1) I would like to bond with my child and (2) since I am going to breast feed I want to practice with it for some time so I don't become embarasse and accidently expose myself infront of a friend or family member.

[riso12]

I never got around to writing a birth plan, probably because every time I sat down to think about what labour entailed I went into complete denial and managed to convince myself it wasn’t going to happen to me.

I don’t think that I would have personally found it a great deal of help because once I was actually in labour all I cared about was getting pain relief into my system and getting the baby out of my system, both as quickly as possible.

That is not to say that I don’t recommend having a birth plan written up in preparation for the birth of your child. It allows you to consider what issues might arise in labour before you lose most of your mental capacity due to guzzling gas and air.

Some thing you might want to consider putting into your birth plan are:
~ who you want as your birthing partner, whether you want them present at all times
~ what positions you would like to use for labour and birth
~ what pain relief you might want
~ whether you want the injection to help speed up the delivery of placenta

As the saying goes ‘forewarned is forearmed’. Your labour and birth may not follow your birth plan at all, but in having looked at your options at least you will understand a little more what is going on.

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