Guilt

[akalori]

I saw a video in the math forum section.  The video was promoting jump math which raised the median math scores and narrowed the standard deviation in the bell curve in studies of students in targeted schools in Canada.  The presenter focused a lot on the great gains made by special education students.  He cited studies where enriched environments created narrower bell curves even in studies of rats.  Information like this always hits me like a double edge sword.  It is inspiring and depressing at the same time because I'm always left feeling guilty.  I don't know when my son's problems began - maybe in the womb.  I had nagging concerns by time he was a year old.  Maybe I could have done something to fix it early on.  Maybe I could have played music to my womb, used crawling tracks, brachiation ladders, doman dots, and flashcards. Don't get me wrong I did have an enriching environment.  I read to him, had black and white patterns over his crib and changing area, and used Baby Einstein videos and DVDs.  I enrolled him in Toddler gymnastics and art classes. Also I'm an intellectual and just the natural state of my home is enriching.  But at the time, I didn't know about baby reading and maths.  He was born in 2003 before accounts of babies reading had seeped into my awareness.  Essentially I had a home that was much more enriched than most, so why does he have so many challenges. So why isn't he closer to the median on the bell curve?  I try very hard to make sure that my parenting is so profound that it affects my son on the epigenetic level.  Yet he is still different and might never reach that median.  I adore my son and wouldn't want to change him.  I just want his life to be easier and for his challenges to be less extreme.  I want to make sure he gets to adulthood feeling capable and good about himself.  In reality I know his challenges might have been worse if it wasn't for our home environment, but I still feel guilty sometimes.  Anyway sorry for my pity party.

Dreaming about neuroplasticity, Lori

[baz]

Everytime I feel guilty, I'll give myself a few hours to sulk (and then brainstorm about how to improve)
It helps that my hubby is my son's no.1 cheerleader. I always get a "he's the best!" whenver I try to compare.

Maybe this will cheer you up? 
This is Nobel Prize winner John Gurdon's 1949 science report card.
http://i.imgur.com/3N88G.jpg

[LDSMom]

I have a family member who really struggled with reading and spelling and school in general, I'm sure my mom wished an easier life for him too. But you know what? He's the only one of my siblings who has gotten his bachelors (in computer science) and is the most successful out of all of us. Why? Because despite his problems, he persevered and worked hard. He still struggles with reading and spelling. I'm talking basic words like bear and bare.  I think we are each given challenges we have to face in life and although we can do our part to help prevent these challenges, ultimatly we will all be faced with some challenge or other, and that is just part of life. You are doing a great job as a mother so try not to feel guilty. It's so hard not to compare children, but they are each unique and different. How boring would life be if our kids were all the same? We all need that chance to struggle a bit at something. It builds our character, gives us humility and gives us the chance to overcome. I'm sure we all feel the same way that you do in some aspect or other, just hang in there and have peace in your heart.you can't change the past, so don't look back too much, just do what you can today to help him.

[akalori]

Thanks.  Oh yes, Baz, I read about John Gurdon's report card.  And LDSmom, you are right - adversity builds character.  Part of my stress is that I hired a lawyer to mediate some additional services from the school.  Therefore, per my lawyer, I'm not allowed to after school or supplement his education until the issue is resolved.  The school will take credit for any academic gains which could jeopardize any additional services.  In the meanwhile I'm trying to tackle some executive functioning goals so all is not lost.  I just feel a little powerless right now, but it will pass.  I'm hoping that everything will be resolved by December.  Then maybe I can try out the jump math too, instead of sitting around feeling guilty.

Thanks for the support, Lori

[Korrale4kq]

How you describe your son reminds me very much of a girl I tutor. She is exceptionally bright. But she struggles so badly in school.

I borrowed this book from our local library and it is an eye opener. It explains how children learn differently. And some children aren't set for regular school learning, which is very left brained. I time you may be able to implement some strategies. Even try it over holidays/vacations.

http://www.amazon.com/Right-Brained-Children-Left-Brained-World-Unlocking/dp/0684847930

[akalori]

Unfortunately I have looked at right brain stuff.  It hasn't worked.  Then per testing I discovered my son's visual memory is very poor.  I'm doing well.  I think I will always have moments of guilt.  Maybe it is just part of being a mom.  Overall I'm feeling optimistic and have some great plans for my son.  I'm in the midst of a legal battle with the school which has me feeling stuck.  Once this is over, regardless of the outcome, I will feel more resolved.

[tlyoung]

Oh the guilt!
Our adult daughter struggled so in school right from the start. I tried everything I could think of. I did not know what I know now but I did read to her a lot. She learned to cope and just got by. Her teachers loved her and gave her passing grades even when I questioned that she did not know the material. She learned how to copy very well and passed the standardized tests. At home, homework was a nightmare, I would not give her the answers. I sent her to many different tutors and none worked. It all caught up with her her freshman year in college, she took remedial classes and learned how to learn. We knew she had what was called short term memory storage problems from testing that was done. I blamed the prednisone I was on during my last 2 trimesters or her lack of sleep as a baby or watching so much tv while I tried to sleep when she was awake all night ect. She now is about to graduate from college, it has not been easy for her but she learned how to learn. I am so proud of her and remind her that so many of her so called smart friends are not going to college anymore and have dead end jobs they hate. I just want to let you know that your struggles have been felt by other parents and children and just maybe it will end up in the LONG RUN ok. If it wasn't for music, sports and friends my daughter would have not survived Junior HS and HS.

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