prenatal stress and effects on baby

[Nikita]

I had alot of stress during pregnancy with first child... my husband left me at 6 months pregnant and said some nasty things at seven months pregnant, at which point the baby stopped growing...not stopped but slowed to a crawl. Diagnosed with Intra-uterine growth retardation (IUGR).  nothing i could do would get her to grow more (I tried eating more, but just got fatter myself!).

I actually got back with the hubby (dumb dumb dumb!!) and had more kids, then divorced.   Now after a big gap I have another child, who was conceived unexpectedly.  Had it been planned I would have undergone genetic counselling first, as I was older (in the down's syndrome years), and his side of the family had physical issues galore, mental illness etc. So I had a lot of worry throughout the whole pregnancy, and once again Pre-natal depression, and for a while...the IUGR again.

So I can honestly say that there really are tangible measurable effects of stress and sadness on a foetus!! And with the issues I'm having with Azaria now, I'm realising that she most takes after her oldest sibling...she was similar.  I had forgotten how demanding she had been, but in the battle to get Azaria to sleep, I'm having flashbacks to Sharayah at a similar age. And she is smaller than the next child, with whom I had stress level I could cope with easily. I had a fair amount of stress in utero with the third child (marriage breakdown, very nasty time), and he has ADHD and behavioural issues and is more difficult to teach.

[KL]

Sorry to hear that, Nikita. Well, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and I applaud you for all the strength you must have to handle all that!
 

Anyway, totally agreed on how important it is for the mother to be in a stable mood during pregnancy.

[ZaJa]

Despite what you've been through, the way you've been so dedicated and passionate with teaching and loving your children is remarkable Nikita! I salute you!!!

Whatever you've gone through surely makes you a much better and stronger individual.

God always understands, comforts and rewards us.

All the best to you and your children!

[kraezykat]

I am sorry what you went through. Though you hae proved to be a great mom. Obviously by being a part of this website it shows you are doing your research to improve the quality of your childrens' lives.

[Lappy]

Hi Nikita, and thank you for sharing! 

This is an extremely relevant topic to cover, and I am very pleased you have opened this for discussion.  It is important for all parents and would-be parents to understand how important the gestational period is and in what ways it can impact an individual for his or her lifetime.  We all applaud you for the strength with which you have managed to keep your family together through the tough times, and even more so for wanting to keep making things better for you and your children.

"Seeds of health are planted even before you draw your first breath, and that the nine short months of life in the womb shape your health as long as you live." -Sharon Begley and William Underhil, Shaped By Life In The Womb

[Maddy]

Hi Nikita

Thanks for sharing your story - I think it puts a lot of little worries into perspective!

How old are your three older kids now? How is Sharayah doing these days?

I agree that the prenatal environment can have a profound effect on a person, but I also read that the latest research shows that fully 50 percent of our personality comes from our genes. Probably your youngest and eldest are similar partly due to their similar DNA!

I also saw a fascinating documentary series about twins recently. The amazing thing was that twins who had been separated at birth and raised apart turned out to have shared hobbies and strikingly similar biographies (the funniest were twin brothers who had married women with the same name... twice! One brother had a third wife, so his twin was saying his wife would be wary of any woman with that name!!)

We all want the best for our children, and there's no doubt that your girls would've been better off without the IUGR. But don't beat yourself up, because besides the fact that it wasn't your fault, it also probably has less to do with their personalities than you imagine.

About your son with ADHD, is he on medication? I don't have any direct experience of kids with ADHD, but am really interested in the topic, as I think too many kids, in the US especially, are on meds. Here are some things I've found out:

1. From Shalom in the Home (great show. Have you seen it?): Some kids' "ADHD" is cured by having their parents give them more attention, more one-on-one time. Some kids have difficulty sharing their thoughts and feelings, and this causes them to act out. On Shalom, Shmuley (the expert who helps families in strife) had one family make a kind of "suggestions box" for their son to use to share anything that was on his mind. The boy's younger sibling was taking up most of his parents' attention (does this happen because Azaria is so demanding?), and it was great for him to be able to write something down, put it in the box, and have his mom and dad take the time to read it and talk about it with him later (when his younger sibling was in bed).

2. Some kids diagnosed with ADHD are right-brain learners. They learn by doing - and this partly accounts for their "hyperactivity." Have you used TweedleWink with your son? If so, how'd it go? If your son isn't the verbal type (a bad speller, etc), is he more of the practical type (good at fixing things/understanding how things work)?

3. Some kids diagnosed with ADHD have Asperger's (very mild form of autism). You can read about the symptoms on Wikipedia to see if they match up with your son. Apparently, such kids can respond really well to cognitive behavioral therapy.

Re. Azaria's sleep problems and separation anxiety, have you heard of a book called The No-Cry Sleep Solution? I bought it after it was recommended to me by La Leche League (when my four-month-old was waking me up so much, it was making me ill). I highly recommend it.

Also, I guess the only thing to bear in mind when times are tough is that everything is just a stage. I was really going spare for a while with Naimah (especially when I had tonsillitis, a ton of work to do, and no way of getting an uninterrupted night's sleep). But now that she doesn't wake me up at night, I can barely remember what that was like. It seems very, very far away; yet, it was only six months ago!

Look forward to chatting more... Take care

Maddy

PS I really like your girls' names! Very pretty and original.

[Nikita]

A baby born on the same day as Sharayah was Naamah (Biblical name).

My son is on Ritalin but I only give it to him for school hours, so he can concentrate. He has behavioural issues because he wants to live with his father, and hang out with the male relatives, which is a few hours away.  I have read up about BOYS and found that this is normal and natural, and a wise mum should let him go to be with the men and be a man... I cant show him how to be a man, I'll just make him a sissy all by myself!! I have given him too many sisters and no brothers, and he is NOT IMPRESSED!!  So I've agreed to let him do high school with his father.  It's been a long painful time coming to that point, but his ADHD cant be managed without the Ritalin, as he is not interested in much one-on-one with mum.  I do what i can to be close to him, taking him to karate, cricket, driving him to access (very time-consuming), even having my ex live with me for a while (separate bedrooms) and now visits and bunks in with my son. He doesn't have aspergers...I've met kids with that. basically he has spent years wanting to be living with and associating with men, and my family unit lacks what his dad can offer, and it makes him sad as he's great mates with his male cousins, uncles and grandad. This has been happening years before Azaria. We were close (young boys are more loving than girls, until they become more rejecting of mum than girls), until about 5 years old... apparently thats the usual age for the cutting of the apron strings and the trying to be a male...

[Maddy]

Hi Nikita

Sweet! Actually the name Naamah (which I found short-listed in a baby book) led me to Naimah (which was next to Naamah in the index)...

Very interesting to read your last post. Gee, you have a lot on your plate!

I'm sure it's gotta be tough to let your son move out and live with his dad at such a young age (don't kids grow up fast!). But it sounds like the right decision. How often will you get to see your son? When will the move happen?

Young males really do need their older male role models, huh. At the extreme end of the spectrum, it reminds me of Tupac singing about gang killings and fatherlessness (which go hand in hand). And a report on young male elephants who went on a killing spree against rhinos in a South African park - the solution to the problem was to introduce a group of older males to supervise things.

It sounds like you're doing a great job of letting your son go, and by doing so, I'm sure he'll come back to you in his own time.

Maddy

[Nikita]

He will be leaving in 3.5 years. So I have some time up my sleeve.  I thought I could produce a real sweet male any woman would be happy to marry, but apparently unless I let him go be with the boys he's likely to become a worse kind of male to what he would be living with his dad, out of severe resentment toward women. Testosterone... who can understand it???

Generally we dont have gangs and gang killings in Australia.... mostly because we dont really have guns over here. We have them, but they're hard to get hold of.  Was it you who was worried about baby bottles with bisphenol?  I would be more worried about sending my kids to a friends and them having access to guns lying around in handbags... that doesnt happen here thankfully (we dont even think about guns or the possibility someone might own one). I'd be too scared to go to the US because of guns everywhere! I send my kids to a Christian school, which means forking out school fees rather than free public education, but the scary thing about the public schools here is the kids all swear. Not much worse happens usually at primary school level.

[Nanayaya]

Totally agree with the guns issue. My sister lives in LA and we are constantly telling her that she should avoid any chances of quarreling or getting heated up as someone just might shoot her! Luckily she is a yoga master so that really helps.

Getting back on the issue of prenatal stress, I do find one way to keep calm is to listen to music and also do some prenatal exercises such as yoga or swimming. These will produce 'happy' hormones which will actually keep you calmer and make you rest better. 

[haydee]

i also experience prenatal stress and i would agree with nikita, my baby is so fussy and demanding at most times.  i promise to stay calm on my second pregnancy.  thanks to a lot of reading and stories, i'm beginning to picture out a good pregnancy a year from now.

[kmum]

Wow! sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

 The one thing that I have experience with is a child with down syndrome.  I just wanted to let you know that the fear of having a child with DS is much greater than the reality.  Most people whose child receive a DS diagnosis have a difficult time accepting it at first.  I think it is natural to worry about the unknown, especially with all of the outdated information out there about DS.  I wouldn't have guessed quite how wonderful life with someone with DS would be!

Kids with DS generally do everything typical children do, just at their own pace.   With proper teaching an early intervention the sky is the limit.  People with DS can hold down jobs, live independantly, drive vehicles,......I even know of a boy with DS who is getting straight A's in grade 8!  It's amazing what our kids can do when raised in a loving, and supportive environment.   

My daughter is now 15 months old & such an amazing little girl. She is a little behind on gross motor skills - is cruising but not walking,  but is right at age level for receptive speech and fine motor skills.  I am so proud!  She is the light of our lives.  Her older siblings adore her too.  I am truly blessed to have been choosen to be the mother of my amazing little girl!

It is unlikely your baby has Down Syndrome, but I just wanted to let you know that it is much more positive than most people realize.  Please email me if you have any questions or if I can be of any help. 

Hugs
Laura

[nadia0801]

Does anyone know when are fetuses MOST susceptible to pre-natal stress? I had a lot (though controllable) during my 1st to 5th month. Now I'm practicing a little yoga and self-affirmations and they are helping a lot!

[KL]

I'm not sure exactly when, but logically speaking, given the fact that the brain becomes more and more developed and receptive to stimuli the later you are in pregnancy, then I would presume that the later the pregnancy, the more the fetus would 'sense' the stress in one form or another.

Having said that, the later the pregnancy, since the fetus is more developed, it should be more able to withstand any stress factors, so in that sense, the earlier the more 'dangerous', i would have thought.

So in your case, I would say that you're in the best case scenario, cos you are already past the early stages, and for the rest of your pregnancy you can still try to positively control your mood and environment. Yoga and self-affirmations are great!

But best to ask your ob/gyn, cos my opinion is certainly not a professional one!

[nhockaday]

I would say it's throughout the whole pregnancy b/c it's said that the fetus feels what you think and do the whole time. But it definitely helps to stay positive and happy as much as possible, as soon as possible.

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