Hi Vidyut,
     Being a first time mom, I read a lot of good stuff that make sense to me about how to raise my kid but since I m not an experiened mom, I sometimes second doubt myself, espeically when you have a grandpa constantly giving you pressure about childrens "table manner" telling you that "you cant let them win" and grandma constantly chasing your kid around to wipe him down. I often put my 2 cents in but other times I let it slide.
I see that you have a 6 months old baby, just wondering if that is your only child? Do you encounter the same problems? how do you deal with it and do you manange to stay strong, put your 2 cents everytime?

Hi,

N is my only child. However, I have considerable experience with kids. professionally, as well as in the family.

The thing is, I don't put in my 2 cents. I take charge of bringing up my son. THEY can offer their 2 or 20 or 200 cents and I will consider them carefully and accept or reject. For right or wrong, he is my son and the sooner everyone accepts this, the sooner we can get over the conflicting opinions and interference and decisions about the baby by the whole village except the mother.

My MIL was from the 'disciplining' school of thought. I began with making remarks about the gracelessness of people who hit kids while pregnant. Made her aware of my opinions by sharing my feelings about 'others' doing such things. When N was born, she once hit him in the name of really forceful patting when he wouldn't stop crying. I took him back immediately and told her to not hit him - at all, ever. I saw her doing it again, did the same. This time, she told me that 'it doesn't harm them'. I had a choice. I could listen and let her decide to bring my child up in a way I thought was harmful, or I could address it.

I addressed it. I shared all I knew about parenting in a peaceful and respectful way. Shared how I had no intentions of 'training' N. Made it clear that she could join a rewarding, joyous parenting process or she could stop hitting grudgingly, but I would not allow N to be hit, no matter what. No holds barred. Over the last few months, she really 'gets it' AND enjoys it, because I took the effort to explain and have dialogues around entire books worth of the philosophy, invited her perspectives, valued them, etc. I often discover new insights from her experience. She will uphold some 'rules' we(not just I anymore) have even if I am not there. We all follow these rules at home, though I'm the so called decision maker. For example:

• No hitting, scolding, correcting. If all you have in your heart is an issue with what is happening, don't bother. We'll stop you in any case.
• Offer, don't force.
• Don't let the baby be unhappy.
• Be attentive at all times. If you can't, develop your capacity. Being a parent is not something you can stop doing because you "can't" or get tired, or whatever. Be attentive, affectionate, positive. Non negotiable.

N is a cheerful baby. No crying, smiles, laughs and talks at the slightest encouragement and often without. He is becoming a little mischief. Very affectionate. Last time he cried was about a month ago. As in cried even after being picked up, or for more than a minute or so. He doesn't cry unless he is ill, since he gets attention by calling out 'eeeeh' 'aaaye' etc. It is a feeling of great joy to live with such a child, know that we are an important part of his being so comfortable and happy.

We don't hesitate to make sure that visitors will respect the child. Mostly, this is not a problem. When we act with respect, visitors automatically treat N with respect.

The key thing is to have a vision for your child and then stand planted in the ground to make sure you make his world like that. Share this vision with others in the child's world, enlist their support, or at the very least, prevent interference.

Hello everyone,

Will there be any negative impact on child when mother was in severe depression during pregnancy and after baby is born ( from birth up to 1 year breastfed)? What type of problems do arise to the child? How can it be prevented from affecting the child? My friend is undergoing the situation. She is not in a position to take any help from her parents, doctor. Please help!!!

Difficult to say. Depends on case to case.

I don't think it is important to get a list of possible problems. It is more important to deal with observed problems with caring.

The most important factor being how the mother acts with the child. The two main kinds 'varieties' I see are mother feeling depressed about the world and her inability to cope while wanting the best for the child and the mother feeling overwhelmed by motherhood and feeling unble to cope with baby. Obviously, the second type is more concerning from the perspective of the baby.

I think she should still try to see how professional help can be taken. A big part of depression is resisting assistance too, so as her friend, perhaps you can help her see it as more 'possible'. Failing that, it is important to interact with people, particularly as many loving, supportive people as possible and to actively work to get in touch with the love and joy the child brings (which sometimes is not easy for a depressed person feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities).

The biggest danger of depression is feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and resistance to change. So, the condition is naturally one where the sufferer feels it is impossible to get aid from others - anyone and particularly strangers (going out) or very intimate people (too many questions). Not just doctor and parents. The person tends to get into a shell, which is not so good for the child, as the parent has very little motivation and even things like hygiene or illness may be ignored and there is no one else around to notice. As her friend, you may have to push into her space to keep nudging her out of the shell. Rope in others to call her, visit, assist with baby and house, etc. It is important to be accepting of her however she is - non-judgmental and offer assistance, but not force. For example, it will only drive her further into her shell if someone visits her to 'draw her out' and ends up commenting on the shabby state of her home. Much better this person does what he or she can without talking about it at all, or stating that they can understand that it can be difficult and to count on them, rather than 'motivate' her to take better care of herself or home. Things like that.

See if she will consent to visiting a doctor if she is accompanied by someone she feels comfortable with.

Hey guys. I'm not sure what to do with my son. I started a full reading program with him in august and he was all into it. But now he is not focusing and not that into them anymore. But he loves EK bits, learning to tell time and stuff like that. Should I back off to doing the reading more incidental(like he still seems interested In reading flashcards if posted on the fridge or if I randomly point to them in books) and focus more on teaching other things like time, classical music and EK knowledge. And ideas would be helpful.
Thank you

If he were my son, I'd let it all go. No conditions. Let him pick, and then offer more of the same and see how it is received. I never appreciated being forced to read anything. Not as a kid, not now. And I'm a 'reading addict'. Still, being told to read anything was a guarantee for losing interest.

One excellent source of building reading skills I know is video games. they have instructions, and scores, and stuff, which involve language, maths, etc not to mention building skills for multitasking, reflexes, speed in operating a computer.... and they are addictive fun. Most kids love them. Change games to change vocabulary.

And for heaven's sake, don't MAKE him play Just tell him you've got a new game. That should be all it takes.

MySunshine,

My pleasure. These subjects are close to my heart too.

I find many people speak about the effect on the child's psyche. Hearing too many 'no's tends to make a child disinclined to attempt things not known as yes (no one likes to be corrected - not even kids) if 'obedient' or rather, submissive, or get into more damage and possibly danger with assertive kids. It is observably true, but what I find most immediately useful is that my life gets easier - immediately. I don't have to say 'no' and then stay on guard. I can simply give 'em something better, and most of the time, that does the trick. Even if it doesn't, at least the attempts don't go covert and more difficult to spot.

Many times, I don't even bother to redirect. If a child wants to find out what spilling a drink is like, where's the harm? Let him do it and find out and most of the time that is it. I mop up, and that is it for me. If he wants to do it all the time (unlikely if there was no melodrama around it), its quite simple to demonstrate that water spills in a similar manner and leave him free to experiment as much as he wants.

Often, we want children to be so neat and tidy, that we give them so many 'no's, that it can get a little insane. Things like 'don't wipe your hands on your clothes' - how critical are they? Really, how clean are those clothes going to remain without wiping, and if they wipe, or not, the washing machine is really not going to discriminate. But we will value an object - clothes - more than our child's convenience.

Sometimes, parents will actually bring attention to what must not be done, like when I visited a friend with my 6mo son. She has a 2yo. He was happily doing his thing and couldn't care less about either me or N, when she showed him, "Look, baby! Isn't he sweet, so soft. See how he waves his hands? He wants to make friends with you. Watch him from here. Don't hurt him. No sweetie, don't touch him." Guess what a child harmlessly occupied with his train now had an ambition to do? This led to a virtual flood of nos all of which only convinced him that there must be something about touching this child, or why would everyone be so worked up? Really, how does he understand a soft baby without touching - even if he had zero curiosity (unlikely)? Is it such a life saving skill for a 2 year old to comprehend babies just because they exist? The rest of the visit was a nightmare of bodyguard services for N.

If he were my son, I wouldn't even point out that anyone at all had come home, unless the guest wanted to meet him. Even if there were introductions, they would be, "I'd like you to meet Vidyut, my friend, and her son, Nisarga." Done. Quick and painless.

Vidyut

I myself was of course whipped to be corrected.... but that did not make me a frustrated or abused child in any way. In India, it is considered COMPLETELY NORMAL to spank or even hit a child who is difficult at the time that they are being difficult.
...

In India, we have a bit of an adage which translated means the following
Explain, Entice, Reprimand, Punish
1) Explain and have a chat the first time... be nice and be very soft and take the child into confidence to try and correct them
2) Entice them by giving them a reward for being obedient.  This should not be a habit as they are children - not animals. But they need to be rewarded at least with a word of praise - so they know they did the right thing and that was recognised
3) Tolerate but be firm - establish your authority and leave no stone unturned in doing that - they need to understand who the parent and hence the boss is - at least till they are adults themselves
4) Finally, if all else fails - punish.  not necessarily Corporal punishment - but some form.  All children are different and what might work for 1 child might be very very light for the other child.  What might be a minor reprimand for a third might seem like the end of the world for a fourth child. I am sure a mother of even many children will say it varies from sibling to sibling.  So I dont believe any 1 book can ever address the needs of all parents.

I am from India, and I know no such thing. I was brought up lovingly, never hit, and I turned out to be a nice person too. I think it differs from family to family, like anywhere else in the world.

It is not reasoning if you *know* you are right. It is explaining your rightness. Reasoning is a process of thinking out, not justifying things already decided.

In fact, the most special thing about my upbringing was that there was no concept of "grown ups are right". When I was upset, I was asked why I was upset and helped to deal with that. I ended up learning about nurturing relationships. I (and two cousins who grew up with me - so its not a one-off thing) have yet to meet a child we couldn't 'discipline' and be totally non-violent with - no 'correction', yelling, insulting, dominating, dictating, telling what is right.... we use dialogue.

My friend lived in the apartment above ours, and her mother used to hit her. For years, she obeyed her mother, but she grew up to be a person 'following and enforcing' rules for herself, as well as her two kids. She used to hate her mother, but she still is okay with hitting her kids 'for the right reason'. Who decides 'right'? Obviously not the kid. What happens when you are old and your kid is an adult and in a position to decide what is right? She now gives her mother an allowance and insults her if she overshoots it for any reason, while still looking for her approval in other ways. Sad.

It helps to remember to be on the same side as the child, not an adversary. No resistance, no lack of closeness.

They feel hurt enough to hit out, distract, when things are calm, ask what had bothered them, and help them find alternative ways to deal with it.

Hitting out is usually when they run out of choices. Empower them with choices, and no one wants to be unhappy. Not an adult, not a child.

It is also important to empower yourself with seeing things as a choice. There are many things you can do, and you can plan them out for times when you are at the end of your rope, so that you don't 'short' into spanking.

For example, one child likes to play video games, another likes to follow elder brother. Evening, everyone runs low on energy, tempers are short, younger one clings to elder, elder gets anger, you can't cope, you get angry.

You have a choice. An example would be "Hey, little one bothering you? Go take some time off with the video game" (he is much more likely to go willingly than time out as punishment). Then take little one with you, do something fun for both of you (tickling bouts are good for no-inspiration times) and then sneakily take him along to watch elder brother play making sounds to keep him quiet (or he will come to know - make it a game). This way, you empower them to disengage from a volatile situation, rather than fall into it helplessly and get punished for something they were helpless to avoid.

Once you are more used to this, you can actually teach them to 'deal' with the situation themselves. For example, the elder could offer the younger an option to be with him that doesn't bother him so much, or the younger could learn to meet his needs to be with the elder without interrupting him, etc. Is there a possibility for both of them to enjoy the toy, to take turns, to find two fun things to do and swap? The possibilities are endless. You will be more relaxed without all the frustration in the air too.

Of course, this is an example. the point being that no situation is without choices. It is when we think we have no choice that we get violent.

HELLO,
i am the mother of three children.my eldest son is almost 6 years old and my twin girls are almost 3 years old.all the three are very naughty.
i prefer to reason out with them when they do things like fighting,biting,hitting etc.,
but, by the end of the day i am so exhausted that i start to beat them and of course, they dont like it.
i feel very remorseful at the end of it.

what can i do?

Hi,

I can relate with your dilemma. I'm sure things can get much toward the end of a day of being constantly available.

Its likely my answers may not match many here, but I am totally anti-any kind of violence. It models 'might is right', which is something very likely to backfire on me once my kid is strong enough to hit back, simply because our relationship accepts it as a way of 'correction'.

I find it takes more effort, but creates a more intimate relationship to always be standing by the side of children, rather than in a position of judgment.

I once discovered that two children of my cousin whom i babysat often had problems with being violent with each other. It was a total surprise to me, since they were not like this with me at all. Their mom actually spent one day watching us in action, and for the first time, they had an all out physical fight, which quickly dissolved when their mom stayed out of it and watched as I simply threw a pillow at one, then the other, and turned it into a pillow fight, then a tickling attack and then we all collapsed on the carpet panting. We then moved on to something else.

That day, they also came up with more tales and complaints with each other, which I simply nodded and agreed that it seemed like that and moved on.

I find it more useful to not create highlights out of something I don't want fixing in their minds. Their mom used to 'correct' fights and faults reported, so they did that when she was present, but once they were non-issues, we got back to our routines fast enough.

Distraction, redirection and non-correction are my three secrets for wonderful behaviour. In short, me yelling at them not to make a noise doesn't hold much meaning, nor does hitting them for hitting each other. A problem can't be solved by becoming a part of it.

here is a quote from the email she sent a week later.

The biggest alternative I find to punishment is distraction and redirection.

If a child is doing something I would like him not to do, it is the easiest to let that behaviour become unremarked, unacknowledged, unreacted, and simply sink into the unfathomable depths of things done that didn't have any 'markers' to repeat.

For example, I find it easier in the long run to distract a child from throwing a glass bowl and give him something else fun to do. I will never say "No, don't throw that!" I will go "Oh, what a nice bowl. You like it, huh? Kind of heavy for throwing. I like this for throwing - have you tried it?" and hand him a rubber ball (for example). That way, the glass bowl doesn't become something forbidden to be revisited when no one is paying attention.

I guess my question is: when should I trust her enough to lose the diaper completely, all day long?

I think she is the best guide. Begin talking to her, telling her that you'll be going out for a couple of hours and see how she feels about it. Describe the toilet situation there - if you ca find them easily or if it might get difficult, etc. Begin with really short spans of time (which it seems you already do) and keep moving to longer spans rather than a 'switch' to all day. You may need to still use diapers for going out longer than she is used to without.

The trick is to trust her, accept accidents as a part of the journey, and let her 'figure it out'. I was one of the most involved people in potty training (EC) my nephew and I discovered that once they understand that no loos may be available, or there will be a loo near by, etc., they are capable of making their own decisions which are very reliable (short term anyway). Often, he used to want a diaper for going out for a couple of minutes, which seemed strange, but we trusted him, and it turned out that there was a poop coming on which either happened while we were out or soon after coming back. Sometimes he was fine with no diapers as long as there was a loo he could go to (or other suitable options). They understand what they 'need' pretty much off the bat, if we trust their responses and let the consequences unfold.

Sometimes, he was adventurous, and used to say "no diaper" for quite long times, which seemed unrealistic. So we didn't put a diaper on him, but after say half an hour or an hour or so, we used to ask him if he wanted one, and sometimes the answer changed. Other times, it didn't, and he was fine "holding it" for the time it took to reach a loo.

True. And what he is likely to need in the future is anyone's guess. No matter what we do, we will end up having done some things 'right', and others 'wrong'.

[something]

Sounds like you aren't having trouble with teaching baby to read, but in the actions.

The way I look at this, babies are generally quite agreeable to doing new stuff..... if they understand what it means. Otherwise, its just you distracting her from the video. Why not let her watch and figure out that the words on the screen *mean* something, since the same word is followed by a similar thing each time. I don't know how YBCR is, but I'm talking of say.... LR. If the word clap comes up and it may be in different voices and letters and actions by different people, but the letters always look similar to each other, the voices seem to be saying the same thing and the different people seem to be doing the same action, then the more she is allowed to simply realize this undisturbed, the more quickly she will figure out that these things *MEAN* stuff.

Once that happens, only then she will enjoy doing the actions, because then she will be participating. Otherwise, the action is separate from what she is seeing. Maybe she is enjoying it so much that she can't stand even mommy getting between her and her 'reading'.

Or maybe she just doesn't like it.... then do something else.

Wear T-shirts with words and funny pics, label things around the house, read signs and shop names as you go for a walk.... the possibilities are endless - she's sure to enjoy something

Hi Jayashree, I'm from Mumbai too! Where in Mumbai?

Lol celeste @ Tutankhamun Karma for your little darling!

Hi Hypatia,

Thank you for reading my blog, and for appreciating it - music to my ears (eyes).

Shameless bragging - did you read my recent post about how my not yet 3 month old may be picking up his second sign? He does "milk" and may now be doing "wave"

Thanks Shuki!

I wonder why I didn't think of that.... my baby inherited all my brains I guess.