Child without dad

[TreasureLove]

In schools, teachers and classmates like to ask about parents or related matters.

What can I educate children for answering such matters in a better way? ( instead of telling them "I dont hv a dad" , "my dad is gone" or even mentioning the word "divorce" sth like that)

Thanks thanks!

[susankhan]

Good question.  I wish I could have an answer for you.  In my child's school this never comes up much as they call them parents/or caretakers.  I feel sad that you have to deal with this   Hope someone else has a better answer for you

Susan Khan

[TmS]

That is a tricky situation - one the school should probably give a little more thought. Having said that it could also be a way for your children to come to acceptance and the school should be able to offer help.

I think that talking about it in a natural way amongst yourselves will help you discover what they are and aren't comfortable with. If you can deal with the feelings that are most distressing to them or hurting them it will help them to heal and understand and will also help them to know how to vocalise what they are comfortable with when a non-family member asks.

If it can't be discussed openly at home it will be all the more difficult for them to discuss in a social situation.

Remember children need to be taught how to understand and label their feelings. A child in this situation is experiencing feelings that most children wont identify with for many years and will need help sorting through the array of confusing emotional messages their brain is experiencing. I think if you can help them to sort through these feelings, label each of them , express them and discover why they are there you will be on the road to helping them accept the situation life has thrown at them.

Once they have been through this process "divorce" wont sound half as ugly, it will be another word to describe another situation instead of a word filled with confusing emotions and negative connotations.

My first marriage fell apart and I had a lot of trouble with the word divorce, until I really went through and analysed what I was feeling and sorted through it and accepted it, then it ceased to be an issue when I had to tick the divorced box instead of the married box on govt forms.

A key factor in helping your children deal with this situation is that you need to have dealt with it yourself. They will be guided by you in this. I wish you strength and courage, self-analyzing can be a confronting expedition but is well worth it. If you help your children while they're still young they will come out strong and self aware.

Also remember there are lots of support groups for yourself and for your children, you need not handle this alone.

[TreasureLove]

That is a tricky situation - one the school should probably give a little more thought. Having said that it could also be a way for your children to come to acceptance and the school should be able to offer help.

I think that talking about it in a natural way amongst yourselves will help you discover what they are and aren't comfortable with. If you can deal with the feelings that are most distressing to them or hurting them it will help them to heal and understand and will also help them to know how to vocalise what they are comfortable with when a non-family member asks.

If it can't be discussed openly at home it will be all the more difficult for them to discuss in a social situation.

Remember children need to be taught how to understand and label their feelings. A child in this situation is experiencing feelings that most children wont identify with for many years and will need help sorting through the array of confusing emotional messages their brain is experiencing. I think if you can help them to sort through these feelings, label each of them , express them and discover why they are there you will be on the road to helping them accept the situation life has thrown at them.

Once they have been through this process "divorce" wont sound half as ugly, it will be another word to describe another situation instead of a word filled with confusing emotions and negative connotations.

My first marriage fell apart and I had a lot of trouble with the word divorce, until I really went through and analysed what I was feeling and sorted through it and accepted it, then it ceased to be an issue when I had to tick the divorced box instead of the married box on govt forms.

A key factor in helping your children deal with this situation is that you need to have dealt with it yourself. They will be guided by you in this. I wish you strength and courage, self-analyzing can be a confronting expedition but is well worth it. If you help your children while they're still young they will come out strong and self aware.

Also remember there are lots of support groups for yourself and for your children, you need not handle this alone.

It is so great that I got such decent answer.
I thought this question will be left unanswered as everyone on the site seems so lucky that all do not have such problem to deal with.
(Sure, they have time concerning their child knowledge as they dont hv to deal with these)

God bless u and have a happy life, we must get strong alone
yet , still , not telling the others will be better , otherwise , children will be looked down for not having a normal family
also , difficult to stand out if they got unfair treatment

[Twinergy]

Hi TreasureLove,
I grew up without a dad and honestly I think it was a lot harder for my mom than it was for me.  My dad wasn’t around at all, I don’t remember ever seeing him.  There were a few awkward moments in early grade school (grades 1-3) with other children who didn’t understand, but they didn’t ask me many questions.  It was the 1970’s and there weren’t many single parents around then.  By the time I was in middle school it was very normal for parents to be divorced and nobody questioned it.  Single parent families are a lot more common these days so I imagine your child(ren) won’t encounter much prejudice. 

From what you wrote I’m assuming that you have full custody of the child(ren) and the father doesn’t see them at all?  Are you asking about how to explain why the father is completely absent?

[TmS]

Hi TreasureTrove,

I think you'll find that being part of a divorced family is not as far from the norm as you think.

Remember teaching your children to hide it will teach them that they should be ashamed of it. No matter what happened between you and your husband your children have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide.

I would suggest that you join a support group (there'd have to be heaps of them) for single parents and talk to these other parents about how they handle.

Another suggestion would be to talk to the school counsellor, she will be able to guide you through methods to help your children cope and then the school will be aware of what is happening in the child(ren)'s life and can keep an eye on things. They can't help if they don't know.

[Lappy]

Hi Treasure Love,

I completely agree with TmS - if you have access to a school guidance counselor, this may be key to helping you sort out the approach you would like to take when it comes to helping your kids understand the single-parent situation. Like Twinergy, I grew up mostly without my father too, my parents got divorced when I was just over 10.  I think that there are a lot of factors which need to be taken into account, such as your child's age and maturity, because divorce and separation are very big concepts, especially when it comes to having to explain to a child.

I remember my mother explaining to us kids what happened, and I remember clearly that she chose her words very carefully and she never said anything negative about my father. She gave us a venue to ask our questions and answered as best she could, just so that we don't end up asking other people about it when we get confused. My siblings and I were aged around 4years-12years at that time, and we (my older sister and I) were also entrusted by my mother to help with explaining the situation to our younger brother and sister. I think that this helped us become closer to our mom since we knew that we could approach her with whatever was on our minds at the time. It really helped to have an open communication line.

In school, we were taught to be honest about it. When kids asked about our dad, we simply said, "our parents are divorced" and I guess it didn't hurt much to admit it because we could talk about it as a family. It also helped that my parents spoke with our guidance counselor so that just in case we were at school and we had a sudden upsurge of emotion which we needed to let out about it, we could just go and talk to her in private.

[TreasureLove]

From what you wrote I’m assuming that you have full custody of the child(ren) and the father doesn’t see them at all?  Are you asking about how to explain why the father is completely absent?

Yes, that's my concern.

Actually the children's father is not "gone", otherwise would have been easier to explain.
He is not in the family now ( guess you get what I mean ).

[TreasureLove]

Hi TreasureTrove,

Hi Treasure Love,

Hi ya , thank you for the advices.

Actually, I have thought of it before.
It would be good and easier life if we lived in foreign country.

But in fact in China, getting divorces is forever a shameful issue.
People might think if the woman in the family got any problem.
School may think the child's parents are not decent in their relationship.
Scandals spread within the community.

So I better keep it unknown in the society of China.
And I am also planning to let the child study in Hong Kong, seems Hong Kong have less discrimination on these issue.
In Hong Kong, I may let this to be honestly disclosed.

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