Help with Potty Training

[christinc21]

My son will be 3 years old on March 2nd. I have been trying to potty train since his 2nd birthday. I had some problems with him pitching a fit when I asked him if he had to potty and would never let me put him on the toilet. I tried his own potty. I tried letting him stand up beside daddy and watch him. I tried the toilet seat insert for the big potty. I even tried the big potty with no insert and him facing backwards. I am giving stickers, candy, rewards, toys. I still cannot get him to tell me when he has to go. If I put the potty in front of a TV he is destracted long enough to sit on the potty and pee. He will go to another room and poop though, so I know he knows it is coming, but absolutely refuses to sit on the potty for this. I have let him run around our house in big boy underwear and this doesn't seem to help. He goes anyways and then just takes them off and continues to go about his business. Out of all this, he has only come to me one time when he had to go potty and it was because I was cleaning his potty while he watched and he held his privates. I asked if he had to go and he said yes, and after a few minutes on the potty he went.

I need help! I see where some people on here have their baby using th epotty by 1 or 2 years old. I know he will get it eventually but I just don't know why he won't tell me. Most of the children in his class are using the potty at least some of the time, but he won't use it at school. Only a couple times in the last few months.  Me and my husband are constantly asking him and getting him to sit on it and rewarding him and telling him how he is a big boy and we are proud when he uses the potty.

I just don't know what else to do  , please give me some feedback and any tips would be greatly appreciated!!

[Ellieamazing]

It seems like you've tried EVERYTHING! My kid sister wasn't potty trained until she was 4. I took her to Dollar Tree and let her pick out a package of eraser toys. She was allowed to have one after she went to the potty. I know you said you've tried rewards. Maybe making a chart and letting him put a sticker every time he goes? You could even set a "goal" and maybe take him to the movies or out to dinner when he achieves your goal? I know you're probably frustrated, but hang in there 

[nhockaday]

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, but I think the problem may be that he is not ready. Some kids just need extra time. I suggest you don't try to push him, but instead, try to relax and see if he will eventually want to use the potty on his own. It may take time, but nothing will get accomplished if he is pressured into doing something that he is not ready to do. You can still try to get him to use it from time to time, and he may surprise you one day by telling you he has to go.

[Ayesha Nicole]

Dear Christinc21,

I can sense your frustration, and hope it becomes easier for you.  

I have twins and was reading up on how to train them to be prepared.  I read a book a long time ago when I was helping to train my husband's daughter's son that I will re-read very soon:

http://www.amazon.com/Toilet-Training-Less-Than-Day/dp/0671693808

It is based on two psychologists with a specialty of education and learning in the mentally-challenged.  They taught mentally-challenged adult-kids how to use the bathroom in a hospital setting, and they reasoned that if it worked for psychologically challenged adults/kids - then it would work for well-children.  And with over 2 million copies sold - I guess it has.  

As for training children when they are 1 - 2 years old, it is true.  In Egypt and the Middle East in general, they train the children very early for a number of reasons.  One is that the cost of diapers is sooo expensive compared to America.  Also, it is easier for them to train, because extended family (aunts/uncles - grandparents) are on hand to help with traning, as well as older siblings, and cousins that model for the child, and help the child go to the bathroom as well.  

In America, the methods for training are different.  I just discovered the following site that explains one method called "EC Method" and another well known method is to "wait for the child to be show signs of readiness."  More details can be found at the following site:  http://www.childandme.com/ideas/potty-training/ .  Since I just found the site today and have not really read much about it.  

I would advise getting the Toilet Training in Less Than A Day because it sounds like it is a psychological/communication challenge for you and your child at this point.  And I will begin to read it again myself as well!  I keep remembering "John & Kate, Plus Eight" and how she was potty training all of the kids (a set of twin girls and a set of 6 multiples)- and I remind myself that we have it easier than they did!

Good luck!
Ayesha  

[Ayesha Nicole]

Dear Chrstinc21,

Below is an article that better explains the Toilet Training in Less Than a Day, by a mother who successfully used the method with her own son:

Toilet Training in Less Than a Day
   
   
   
By Nathan H. Azrin, Ph.D. & Richard M. Foxx, Ph.D.

The idea or concept of using a potty doll to potty train a child was developed by two psychologist named Nathan H. Azrin, Ph. D. and Richard M. Foxx Ph.D. in the 1970s. These two psychologists were studying what is involved in learning and how learning can be made more rapid.

They were working with special needs people and their objective was to improve the level of functioning and happiness of these people. They found that their newly developed procedures could indeed help special needs people to improve learning to eat independently, to groom and dress themselves and to function better.

They then tried these methods to toilet train children and discovered that with this method 95% of special needs people were able to toilet by themselves in an average of 3 days. They were very pleased with the results and in the next stage of their research, they devised new training procedures that emphasized language ability, imagination, imitation, verbal rehersal and verbal instruction in addition to learning by association and learning by reward.

The results they obtained with normal children exceeded their optimistic expecatations. The average child of normal intellegence required less than half a day of training. Within 3-4 hours of intensive training, the child had learned to toilet him/herself, was motivated to do so and had taken a giant step toward independence.

They tried these revised procedures using language on special needs children and found that many children with mild disabilities could use the language depend parts of the procedure and could also be toilet trained in less that a day.

So they had come full circle. In an attempt to elevate special needs adults to a more normal functioning, they had devised effective procedures to teach them independence in toileting. With a revised approach and changes to the technique - they were able to potty train children very quickly and as a result of that - they also came up with method to potty train special needs children as well.

Their procedures or methods are based different approaches to teaching children. The key considerations are:

    * Potty Training has to be pleasant experience for the child
    * Do not attemp potty training until your child is physically ready and is free of medical problems ( see article on potty training readiness )
    * The child has to be relaxed on the potty; so that the sphincter muscles will relax and enable elimination.
    * Reinforce or reward desired behaviour
    * Imitation and social influence by the use of a doll that wets

This book - Toilet Training in Less Than a Day - was first published in 1976. Since then, over 2 million copies of the book have been sold.

I used this book in 1994 to potty train my son. The concepts, ideas and method are all very solid. It is not the easiest books to read. Since than, many experts have recommended using a potty training doll to model the "going potty" for the child. More recently, Dr. Phil recommended using a doll that wets on his two shows.

http://www.pottytrainingconcepts.com/A-Potty-Training-In-One-Day4.html

(there are related articles at the bottom of the page - please go the link directly).

- Ayesha

[christinc21]

ellie - We are doing the chart as well, after 5 times in the potty he gets a new toy, but this is so stretched out between toys I don't think he is getting it. Thanks for your suggestions though.



nhock - I have backed off a few times because of his tantrums and let him go if he wants. I am trying not to push, but to encourage and reward for good behavior. Thanks for your encouragement!


Ayesha - I will be checking out that book. It sounds like it has some good ideas. My son is an only child and has no male cousins that can teach him how so I know that has a lot to do with it. He only has my husband as an example and me as encouragement. Thanks for the info, links and articles!

[THen]

Hi!

Oh, yes, my third child was sort of like that.  Not as extreem.  I finally figured out it was more of a battle of wills than a matter of ability.  He didn't want to, and he knew I wanted him to.  I finally decided to back off and do nothing (no asking, no rewarding, no nothing) for a month or longer.  If he messed in his pants or diaper I would tell him to go wait in the bathroom and I'd get to him when I could.  I'd finish up what I was doing, then go change him at my convenience (thankfully, he wasn't one to get rashes easily).  I'd try to not make a big deal of changing him and quickly move on to my own business.  I think I even put him off once when he asked if he could use the potty.  I told him I was busy.  He was 3 years old, and old enough to get his own pants up and down.  We worked on that skill when getting dressed.  Later, I told him he could pull down his own pants and use the potty on his own if he wanted to.  I told him I'd help him wipe if he needed help.  After a while, he decided he'd use the potty.

He was my latest one.  My others were trained right before or right after they turned 2 (trained, as in they could do everything but wipe by themselves).  I thought I'd tear my hair out with my third, then figured, if he didn't care, I wouldn't.  My friend said, "I've never met a 5 year old who still chose to wear diapers."  So, I decided I wouldn't fight that battle.  Not a hill for me to die on.    We was trained when he was 3. 

Oh, and I did like that book that Ayesha mentioned.  I used some of the ideas with my other children.  It didn't help much with my 3rd one, as it wasn't the ability, it was the will.

I'm not sure that was very encouraging or helpful, but that was my experience. 

[christinc21]

I think that is our problem too. I know he knows when he has to go poop, because he goes to another room.

But my son has Never been the type of baby to fuss when he was wet or had pooped. Not even as an infant. Now he will poop and then go about his business. I only know if I am close enough to smell it.

I ordered the book Ayesha spoke about yesterday. I should get it in a few days and will start reading right away.

[mother of faith]

I have almost a 2 year old and we have begun the potty training. We are going through a similar situation. My son will tell me when he needs to go to #1, but when it comes to #2 he runs and runs in his room trying to go. During this time he refuses to sit on his potty. We use the insert that goes in our potty. We asked our physican and her response was that it could be that he was very uncomfortalbe for him to go, and maybe in the past it hurt him to go, so there comes the fear of it hurting again. So she prescribed medication to help him go. Since then he tells me by squating down and saying done when he finishes, so now our next move is on his potty. We used sign language for him to communicate better with us when we first started training. Just a thought. I have heard of the book mentioned as well, i have requested it at my local library.

[THen]

Just another tip.  My fifth one doesn't like to go #2 if I am paying attention to him.  He goes better if I leave the room or at least pay attention to something else (clean the bathroom mirror and sink).  My others didn't mind, but he does.  I understand, as I don't like people in the bathroom when I'm trying to go.    

[christinc21]

Well my son for some reason won't tell me when he has to go period. But when he goes poop he will go to another room. I have tried getting him on the potty right away and then leaving the room, but  then he won't go. I stopped this after the 2nd time because I didn't want to cause backup problems for him. He has never had problems in the past so I am not sure why he won't go to the potty when he knows more than when he needs to pee. When he is done he sometimes doesn't even want his diaper changed. When I talk with him about it and ask him where does the poop and pee belong he will say the toilet, but we are still not progressing in the actual pottying in the toilet. 

[patreiche]

Try getting him around a younger kid who use the potty. Peer pressure is an excellent motivator.

[mhaasini]

At what age can we start potty training?

[TABS]

Hi there christinc21,

Sounds like you are struggling.  Try not to be too worried and just keep using nappies or pampers.  My son is nearly four and still wears a nappy at night.

We introduced pottly training at around 2 and a half - three years old.  Some thought this was late, but for me and my son it was fine.  He had to types of potties - both given to me.  One was a tortoise and the other a little wooden toilet which the potty slotted into.  I let him try both and just kept them out.  He showed a preference to the wooden one so we gave the other away.  From the beginning I always had a little trolley next to him in which his favourite book and toys were in.  I just let him sit there and play and pop in every now and then to check if he was finished.  Like THen's experience, he didn't like me around. 

A friend of ours reads to her daughter when she is on the potty and started just after she turned one.  They used sign language to ask or tell if she needed the potty.

Just don't get upset - in the morning now, our son lets us know if he is wet or dry.  If it's wet he usually says -"it's just a little bit wet!"  We then tease him about the 'little bit!' and change the topic.  If he's dry we make a big fuss and he gets something he likes with his breakfast. 

Big boy pants made a difference too and as we have a huge garden and he plays outside he usually wees in the flower bed or rushes inside to sit on the potty and looks at his books.

One way to look at it is that kids who go to school at six aren't wearing nappies so it's all just a matter of time...

TABS

[christinc21]

I know I know. I know he will go in time I just wish that time was now.

I don't want him to be the last one in his class in a diaper. He will start K3 in August and I would love for him to be potty trained by then. I don't think he can enter if he is not potty trained and he will have to stay in daycare while all his friends move up to K3. This is why i want to get him trained as soon as possible so he can have it down perfect by the end of August.

We have been training for about 9-10 months now and hope that we can finish in the next 6 months.



Thank you to everyone who has given me tips. I did order the "potty training in a day" and it should be here any day now.

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