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Author Topic: what is the best method to teach decipiline  (Read 60068 times)
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LongTallDrink
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« Reply #15 on: April 30, 2009, 03:44:08 AM »

I highly recommend Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline by Barbara Coloroso. It helps parents learn how to empower and influence their children instead of trying to control them - teach them how to think, not just what to think.


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Autumn
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« Reply #16 on: July 10, 2009, 05:31:34 AM »

I'd be interested if anyone here does use the "To Tain Up A Child" method. I am reading the book and would love input from others practicing this. Thanks.

Autumn

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Krista G
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« Reply #17 on: July 10, 2009, 10:35:59 AM »

Autumn,

What are your thoughts so far?

View my blog at www.teachingbabytoread.com

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Autumn
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« Reply #18 on: July 10, 2009, 03:30:30 PM »

Hi Krista,

I do like the book. Actually I like it a lot! It says so many wonderful/truthful things. But the hardest part for me and my husband is using something to spank with, like the spatula or a stick. And we hate that we'd have to do it so frequently too. And why on the arm or leg??? Couldn't we just use their bare bottom?  We don't have bad kids, it's just we want them to listen to us everytime we tell them to do something. Is there anyway to apply their method, but with-in our comfort zone? Have you ever done a variation of their method?  Thanks a million!


Autumn

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Krista G
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« Reply #19 on: July 10, 2009, 03:53:33 PM »

The reason we use the arm or the leg is so that when obedience is lacking we can quickly correct it with a quick sting to either area.  If we want to spank on the bottom it is more time consuming and not delivered as quickly.  When my children know they are getting it on the bottom they tend to fight and not submit to the consequence of their actions.  I have done both, however.  I find that the swat to the arm or leg works well for simple corrections. For more serious issues, the bottom is the best place.Certainly you can adapt the methods to something you are comfortable with.  I often use a pinch on the back of the arm as well.  The spank on the arm or leg is not intended to make them cry, although they sometimes will.  It is just to get their attention that there is a higher power to be obeyed, which is you, and when you aren't obeyed it results in a sting of some sort or another.

Remember, you are training them to obey you.  It doesn't mean that they are bad because you have to give them a swat, it means that they have been trained not to obey you and you are now regaining the control.

For example, my son does not answer me when I call his name on the first call.  As a matter of fact, I often have to go and find him.  My other children were trained to answer and will respond immediately.  The other day when I called him he did not answer me.  I went and found him and either pinched him or gave him a swat on the arm and told him very calmly that he is expected to answer me the first time I call him.  I was not mad, he was not mad, it is just an easy way of making a point.

When my nephew came to my house, he was under 2 years old, he kept touching my stereo and DVD player.  I sat next to him and told him "No, don't touch."  When he touched it again I picked up his hand by the skin on the top, pinching it and said, "No, don't touch."  This continued about 15 times before he realized that if and when he touched it, he would feel an unpleasant sting that made it not worth touching.  His parents did not use these methods with him so it took him awhile to get it.

You can also use time-outs if you so choose, although you have to be consistent 100% of the time.  I have found the pinch or swat to get my children's full attention immediately.  A word of advice, if you are uncomfortable with a method, adapt it to suit you.

Hope that helps. smile
Krista

View my blog at www.teachingbabytoread.com

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karianne
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« Reply #20 on: July 10, 2009, 08:31:20 PM »

I thought I would chime in on the topic! smile  Interestingly, I thought I would be a parent who spanked...mainly because I was when I was younger.  I don't think I'm scarred from it or anything, as it was only occasional and done to get our attention.  Now as a mom of 2 daughters, I simply don't feel comfortable with spanking.  Every parent is different and you have to do what you feel is best for you and your kids.

Before my first daughter was born I read John Rosemond's "New Parent Power!" which is really a combination of two of his books ("Parent Power!" and "Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children").  I just really liked his philosophy on parenting, and the book is great because it covers other topics for each stage like pacifiers, biting, tantrums, bedtime, moral development, allowances, curfew...you get the idea.  Basically from infancy through the teen years.  I also liked "Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp and "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

I also use the steps like on Supernanny...a minute for the kid's age.  We only have 4 house rules which have so far worked for us, and if one of these get broken then the steps are the consequence.

1.  Listen and Do. (My all-time favorite because it pretty much applies to anything!)
2.  Keep hands and feet to yourself.
3.  No taking toys, share them.
4.  No screaming inside. (Not usually an issue, but there was a phase we went through!)

You have to be consistent or it won't work and make sure to follow her method (say why on steps, explain again after, kids says sorry, hugs & kisses).  I figure I would rather teach them how to behave now so that is all they have ever known, rather than deal with battles when they are a bit older and out of control.  Don't get me wrong, they still get attitudes sometimes (anyone with a 3yo knows what I mean!) but I am fortunate to have well behaved kids disciplined in a way that I am comfortable with.

Also, I think it is really important that both parents are on the same page with how and when to discipline...kids just need that consistency.  Hope this helps!

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Karianne Wilkins, M.A., CCC-SLP
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« Reply #21 on: July 10, 2009, 08:38:53 PM »

I am glad this topic is discussed . Till a couple of months ago, my child was like an angel. granted, we had crying issues and feeding and sleeping issues but thise seem tolerable compared to behavioural isses we are facing now. I use time-outs and like some one said earlier there were days when I was giving her 5 time outs in less than an hour. I had learned about counting from one of my neighbors. She counts upto 5, so thats what I started to do and it works half the time but we have to be very consistent. I had no idea about the Magic 1-2-3 book. I am going to read it. Thanks for sharing all the insights.

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Autumn
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« Reply #22 on: July 10, 2009, 11:25:57 PM »

Hi Krista and everyone!
Here's one of my biggest concerns with this method. I don't want to ruin them...or even change them for that matter. My kids make me soooo happy! What I mean is, my kids are sooooo sweet and affectionate, they tell my husband and I this least 20 times or more a day how much they love us and how happy they are!!! I'm not just saying this. LOL! They are a REAL JOY! And they try very, very  hard to always please us.  We do set the standard quite high for them. But Lindsay our 4 year old tell us we are doing a great job of raising them! We don't normally ask this...she just tells us what's on her mind. We openly talk about EVERYTHING with them, though. Whether it's good or bad. We do have open lines of communication down pat.  I just wish they listened 100% of the time instead of 90%. We have spanked with our hands and even switches in the past, but now a days, we normally just send them to their bed if they aren't pleasing us. This does work for the most part. I think it's much more about the parents attitude and TOTAL 100% consistancy. Which I think is were most of us could use the extra help.  I truly appreciate all feedback on this topic.

Thanks!
Autumn

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LongTallDrink
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« Reply #23 on: July 11, 2009, 01:35:37 AM »

Please check out the book I mentioned earlier - Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline by Barbara Coloroso.

You can't make a child do better by making them feel worse. At best you will have a child that minds out of fear, at worst a teenager that rebels with dire consequences because she doesn't know her own mind.

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karianne
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« Reply #24 on: July 11, 2009, 07:54:03 AM »

LongTallDrink- I will have to look into that book...sounds interesting and I'd like to see how it incorporates into my current beliefs, or might change them a bit. 

Autumn- It is so funny you say that about your kids, because mine are the same way!  My girls are constantly hugging and kissing us (and each other!) and my 3.5 yo tells me how much she appreciates things and "You are the best Mama at (of) all!".  I feel so truly blessed to have such loving and smart little kids.  Like yours, most of the time we have no behavior issues.  If we do, usually I am able to redirect them or guide them to a solution!

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Karianne Wilkins, M.A., CCC-SLP
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Joha
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« Reply #25 on: July 13, 2009, 05:00:46 PM »

First of all, I want to say I respect parents "parenting decisions". I know all of us want the best for our children and do what we think is right for them, because we sure love them! Now, I read this post and was thinking about getting the book "To Train up a Child" because some of the reviews here. Looked in amazon.com and the reviews are very discouraging. It has two and a half starts (not good to start with) and some of the reviews are scary. I would really like to hear people's personal experience about following the book.


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Autumn
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« Reply #26 on: July 13, 2009, 08:03:53 PM »

Hi Joha,
My husband  and I are reading the book. We're about half way through it.  And we like what it says about parents needing to behave the way they want their children to behave and many other great things. But what we don't like is leaving marks on them. And swatting them on the leg or arm does.  And it says to use this method every single time you dislike anything they are doing....no matter how minor  it is.

My husband and I have spanked, used time outs and many other things for discipline in the past. Ist we give a warning and talk to them about what we dislike. If this doesn't work we give a time out in their bed for about 10 minutes, this usually works well.  This gives them time to think about what they did and they hate to be away from the family. Then we talk about what happened and they have to appologize for what they did.  If for any reason we are not pleased with the outcome, they go back to bed for another 10 minutes or so. It is a long of time for young kids, and it really makes them think about things and miss us.  We do use the spankings from time to time, when they are repeatedly disobey.

 Glenn Doman does comment on raising kids. He says something to the fact of kids need to know that the parent is in charge. He comments on doing it gradually, if you will. For example: 1st try talking to your child, time out 2nd , and gradually keep turning up the heat until they do listen. Yes, if all else fails then spank. But parents need to make it clear that they are the boss. He says kids need this and actually prefer it. I believe this is in the "What to do about your brain injured child" book.

I certainly can give you quotes from the book if you like. Just let me know. I am a strong believer in Glenn Doman's teaching. I respect my child enough to talk to them first. I think as a parent we just have to do what feels right in our heart. Ultimately we are the ones who have to live with it and our kids! 

One last thing.......in the book "To train up a child" even though we might not agree with everything it says, there is still  something to gain from it.  Just like talking to a person who you might not see eye to eye with. There's still something you can learn from that person. I think it's so crucial to keep an open mind and remember that no two people are going to think the same way, not even your spouse! And we can always learn something from someone else!



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Joanna07
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« Reply #27 on: July 14, 2009, 02:04:04 AM »

This book sounded very interesting until I read your comments about it advising to spank. Now it's banned from my amazon wish list for good.
There's so much talk about spanking being harmful to kids, they are so vulnerable. We spank them and then we want them to trust us... what do we teach our kids by spanking them? I strongly believe that spanked children are more aggresive and this is not the right way to discipline children, no matter how badly they behave, it can only make the matters worse. I was spanked as a child, I remeber the rage I felt and how much I hated my parents for doing this to me. I will not do this to my child.

The books I reccomend are "Discipline Without Distress" "Between Parent and Child" "Child:The Challenge"

« Last Edit: July 14, 2009, 02:22:07 AM by Joanna07 » Logged
Joha
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« Reply #28 on: July 14, 2009, 01:31:48 PM »

Autumn,

Thank you so much for your comments. I have to say I don't disagree with pating your kids on the bottom as a last resource. I think spanking sounds like you are hitting your kids repeatly and full fource and that is not what I agree with. I think I may check some of the other books that people have suggested. I'm really interested in finding methods of discipline or training so I may never have to pat my baby on her bottom. That would be ideal!  yes  laugh Right now I can't even picture that into my head (spanking), but I'm sure that is because she is so little that she has never gotten into my nerves.

Has anybody heard or know about the "wisdom stick" technique?

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Autumn
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« Reply #29 on: July 14, 2009, 05:27:31 PM »

Hi Joha,

I have never heard of the "wisdom stick" technique. It does sound like an ancient asian method.....maybe that's called "caning" ?  But the "training" and "caning" method is far too harsh for us.  Sad   Maybe others have heard of this "wisdom stick" technique??? 

Autumn

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