what is the best method to teach decipiline

[Joha]

Ok, let me just explain what I know so there are not missunderstandings here. One of our friends used a wood kitchen spoon and they called it the "wisdom stick". When their girl didn't behave well they will just touch her with the "wisdom stick" and that meant she wasn't behaving well. I'll call my friend to find out the details and how it worked and share it. I was wondering is someone else had used it or hear about it.

[Joanna07]

I found this discussion about "wisdom stick" on the "mothering" forum
https://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=838824

[cp]

I’m always in a dilemma on whether to spank or not as I read that spanking may tell our children to get results with violence.  So far I gave my 19 month old DD a little slap on the hand twice. In the first incident, she hit my head with a soft toy and I told her “No. Not nice”.  Straight after that she did it again with a remote control and I told her “No” but she did it again with a phone.  Basically she just grabbed whatever she could see and used them to hit me and each time it just got harder.  She only stopped after I gave her a slap on her hand.  Her eyes were filling up with tears and I immediately regretted it and I apologized to her.  I think she was trying to see how I would react and it was like a game to her.  I have to partly blame my husband for it as he was using a soft toy to hit her head playfully a few days earlier. 

The second time I gave her a little slap on the hand was when she repeatedly threw her food to the floor on purpose and my countless “No” did not work.  For the next few times over a week or so, she would hit her own hand after she threw her food.  That made my heart ache.  I have not hit her since then no matter what she did. 

However, I think I traumatized her even more last week when my husband had been away for more than a week and I got really tired but that was no excuse. I lost my patience and grunted quite loudly at her when my “No” did not stop her from kicking at the mirror, something that I’ve been telling her not to do and explaining that she may get hurt if the mirror breaks (it is time to remove the mirror).  She got really scared and closed her eyes tightly as if trying to make my angry face go away.  I felt bad immediately and explained that I was angry and how she could have hurt herself.  I apologized and hugged and kissed her.  She seemed fine after that but I found out that the damage was already done when I saw the fear in her face when she heard me said “Angry” as I was telling my mom the next day about the incident.  I’ve never seen that kind of fear in her before … not even she was having stranger anxiety.  I wonder if she would be less traumatized if I had slapped her little hand the very first time she kicked the mirror.  One thing I know is slapping her hand did not help her remember not to hit me (or anyone for that matter) … she just hit me yesterday again after a kid in the playground tried to hit her.  I think it’s “monkey see monkey do”.

I really do not want to spank my DD but if it is to stop her from hurting herself (or anyone else), I may just have to … like I said I’m in a dilemma now and I will have more to deal with as she grows.  If you use spanking, do your children learn to hit others as well?

[nhockaday]

Something that people need to understand is that you are doing more harm than good when you cuddle and apologize immediately after you have scolded or spanked. That is very confusing to a child. It would be more appropriate to take a few deep breaths and cool down and then explain to your child what they did wrong without giving them positive attention. Cuddling and apologizing for your burst of anger (because they were doing something wrong) is not going to help them learn to act right. They will learn that it is ok to to bad things because they only get in trouble for a short time and then get positive attention from it. That is just adding fuel to the fire, so to say. I understand that it can be difficult to see that your yelling or spanking has upset your child, but if they have done something that warrants it, then you got angry for a good reason. Children need to know right from wrong, and sometimes just saying no over and over will not do the trick. You can work on not getting so angry when they do something wrong, but yelling is not going to damage them; they will get over it in a minute or two. You must set firm boundaries and consistent discipline or you will have a child that learns to take advantage of you and walk all over you.

Joha, my mom used a wooden spoon to spank my younger sisters if they were very bad. She called the spoon "Woodetta". It was kind of a little joke name that we made up for it. If they were being bad, my mom would threaten, "I'm going to get Woodetta", and they would normally stop misbehaving.

[Joha]

Amen nhockaday! I totally agree.

Joha, my mom used a wooden spoon to spank my younger sisters if they were very bad. She called the spoon "Woodetta". It was kind of a little joke name that we made up for it. If they were being bad, my mom would threaten, "I'm going to get Woodetta", and they would normally stop misbehaving.

Wow! I want to know more about "Woodetta"! Could you please how your mom implemented it? Meaning how she explained to them that it was a way to "punish" them when they didn't behave well.

I found this discussion about "wisdom stick" on the "mothering" forum
https://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=838824

Thank you for the link. I'm not sure if you read i, but it was ful of people with opinions without knowing what it is. 

[nhockaday]

I think Woodetta was just used if they were very bad or they were repeatedly bad. It was used to spank just like any other parent would spank their child. It was not used often, just for the extreme circumstances. It was used on the clothed butt, not on arms or legs, and it was not used in a very harsh way. Just a light pop with a wooden spoon hurts. Try it on yourself.

I will not be using a wooden spoon on my son, although I have heard of other parents using them too. In some ways I can understand how it would be better to use a spoon or a paddle so you are not using your hand, but using some other instrument can be very painful if you are spanking because you are very angry (which you would be most of the time). Most people act more aggressively if they are angry.

I can't say that I agree with spanking at all. We try to teach our children not to hit or act out when they are angry or frustrated, and by spanking, we are in some ways teaching them to do just that. I try to use other methods of discipline instead of spanking. However, I have popped Gabriel a few times for very extreme cases, but it is not something I feel good about doing, nor do I want to think about doing it again. I have always been a short-tempered person who is quick to get angry, so it is something I have had to learn to suppress since I have become a mother. It is still something I work on all the time. Luckily, I have raised my son to be well behaved (most of the time), although he naturally tries my patience sometimes. He is a toddler after all! Good thing is, is that he is generally very well behaved in public. People constantly comment on it!

There were times when he was younger that he was starting to act out and have tantrums. I had to figure out a way to discipline him to show him that the way he was acting was not right. I found what worked for my child and stuck to it, as every other parent has to do. What works for my child may not work for your child or your beliefs. It is very much trial and error and being consistent, like I already said.

[Joha]

Ok, then Woodetta will not work for us either. Again, what my friends did ws not hitting,it was more related to what the wood spoon ment. I just need to find out how it really works, so we don't keep especulating.

[Joanna07]

Joha, maybe what your friend did, was simple "time in", the spoon was just a symbol to bring everyone together to discuss the conflict situation

[Mandi Quiring]

We spend a lot of time teaching our kids concrete data... bits, facts figures, I think sometimes we do not teach the basics to our children.  Children do not instinctively know the rules of our society or household.  They are learning and it is our job to teach them. 

First and foremost I believe we as parents always set the example.  If you hit your child will be more aggressive.  If you yell your child will yell.  Almost every day I remind myself this.   THe calmer and more relaxed I am with a situation the more receptive my child is.

I am not proud of this, but a handful of times I have spanked my almost 3 year old.  A gentle swat.. and once a quick 3 swat.  I observed the reselt first hand that my child became more agreesive...

So this is what I have done and it seems to be working...

I tell my child I do not like what you have just said to me, you need to repeat what you have said in a different way.

I repeat myself... yes I repeat myself... Hes 2.  Hes learning.  A typical conversation....
Logan pick up your napkin and put it in the garbage-- NO!!-- same tone- me- Logan pick up your napkin and put it in the garbage.-- NO thank you--- Logan pick up your napkin and put it in the gargage-- Okay.  Guess what I would have never believed it but this has worked.  I notice that sometimes they experiment with their answers....

I know this brings up the argument of a child must obey at first command... Well all I can say is my child is really good.  I am told all the time, and I see it.  Yes, I compare kids... and im not just being bias my kids are awesome. 

I notice that sometimes being tolerent and patient and asking them again to do what was asked in the same tone and waiting a minute or two usually works. 

If my child is slow at getting ready I make it into a game.  I try to look at the overall objective of what I want to accomplish and try not to get into power struggle games. 

The couple times I have swatted my childs bum I felt horrible.... and it never was the quick  solution that I had imagined in my head it would be.  I must say though I am not into parenting with threats... I say something I do it... Example, Logan if you do not act appropriately around other people we will go home... and we go home no matter what.  Its not a huge lecture on the way home, or talking to other parents about how naughty my child was.  It is a decision to respect their lives and NOT talk about their behaviour except with them in a calm manner. 

Is parenting hard? Yes.  Do time outs, spanking, really work any faster then just asking them again?    I dont think so.  I have a mantra that I tell myself on difficult days I LOVE MY KIDS I LOVE MY KIDS I LOVE MY KIDS and exhale. 
On difficult days I tell my two year old to fill his lungs with air and push it out... it calms him down... usually gets a couple laughs outta him and changes the mood enough to make a happier child that will help me accomplish the objective or task at hand.

I have travelled the world and have met successful and very happy people... all had one thing  in common a very happy childhood.  Have fun, laugh, and giggle as much as possible and the rest will fall into place. 

Need your toddler to brush their teeth... play dentist.. hair, play hairdresser... dont worry you wont be playing the game every day... they tire of things just like you do.  And you know what the days you cant play then tell tell him you cant.

For the days that nothing seems to work, and they are impossible... and are definately doing things illogical and maddening... try a time out, and as a last ultimate resort.. yes we are the parents, we do need to put our foot down every once and a while (about once every 4 months here is the average... one swat on the bottom puts attention on the spot.) Just be sure that its not frequent or else I think you are doing something wrong and failing as a parent.

There s my 2 cents... hope it made sense.

I find the books by Suzuki.. yep the violin guy help a lot... clearing the mind and setting the example make you the best teacher and student.

[trinity papa]

Interesting ....... I have to admit i do spank my girl ...... if that is the correct word ...afterall it conjures different degree of meaning to different people ...... spank for me is just a short tight slap on the cheek without leaving a mark .... meaning its not that hard as people thinks an adult spanking another adult ...... by god the degree of force must depend on the recievor and never done in anger ....... of course if i am angry i have othe routlets like smashing my 42 inch LCD tv ..... 2 or 3 so far ....

anyway ....... teaching or disciplining a child ..... the parent must always have a clear a steady mind ..... know which actions are not allowed or allowed or is a genuine mistake ... this means constant observation ...... and understanding ..... and please use it sparingly ..... and only once or twice in a session ...... eg when she is throwing a tantrum ...., refuse to listen and continue on its dangerous activity ...... , where immediate action is required and a good spank would perk up her attention .... yes she will cry and not be happy ..... but it saves her life and her from injury or to remove bad social behaviour ..... at certain young age talking and reasoning doesn't work ...... eg we attended a playgroup and there was this young boy under 3 .... he was going around kicking other toddlers bottom .... and what did the teacher and the father did?? the tried to talk reason and tell him no .... did the boy stop? definitely not ..... he is saying .... father said no ... i kick again .... and he says no ...... now that's fun ..... what's he going to do ..... continue saying no ..... wow i solicite a response from him by kicking someones bottom ...... needless to say i scrap that playgroup .... what kind of rubbish are they teaching ..... letting a bully run free ..... and the parents couldn't even control their little beast ....

You don't reason, you can't reason with a toddler .... who is going into thier terrible 2s ..... you can't make them stand in a corner ... you can't give them time outs ..... you need them to cooperate in order for it to work ..... and if they are willing to cooperate .... soon they will learn why am i listening to you ..... so what else are you going to do to me if i don't listen ....... answer nothing .... because the law forbids it ...... and once they wise up to it ..... you start to lose them ........ and if they do cooperate .... and they cooperate thru to their teens or more .... it may make a heavenly parenting experience ..... but what kind of adult will they grow up to be ..... would they even be able to live with the cruel social fact of the world ..... listening or following rules or laws set by other people ..... would they be stupidly misled .... because well there was a rule ..... but its only used for herding the general public ...... so there are pros and cons .....

[trinity papa]

sorry need to break up ... losing partially some of my thoughts .....

anyway .... i was often badly spanked when young even whipped ...... but i forget ..... i am not resentful or violent ... in fact coupled with martial acts training i learn discipline ......

what i am trying to say is ..... yes children are young, but they do learn .... and they learn fast ... they test their boundaries all the time ..... so when they are not able to listen to reasoning yet ... reasoning is useless ..... a spanking would be in order ... but never done in anger and only for good reasons ..... now whenever she is doing something that i think is not acceptable .... i just raise my hand to her face ..... she sees my hand she freeze .... she may want to cry .... she wants to do it .... but she knows i do not allow her to do it ..... so she just sulk in front of me ..... and i explain to her why she should not be doing it ..... and i put down my hand ..... she approach me and gives me a hug .... cries a little ...complains a little ..... i give her a good hug ..... and a kiss .... because she has stopped her bad behaviour .... and after a while she is doing something else totally acceptable ...... no more throwing tantrums or throwing things or yelling on top of her voice or spitting water all over the floor ..... because she knows papa doesn't like it and papa says its wrong ...... because it may result in injury ..... because it may cause harm to others ..... etc .... and all this takes just 5 minutes ... but applied at the right time, right degree, right method .... it is effective .....

i don't do shouting or yelling, yes i do actually when i call for her to come and she is not responding .... but i should say loud stern voice ..... and not shouting or yelling manner .......

Most of the time it is hugging and kissing and playing and reading of course ..... and its important she knows we love her and that we are there for her ..... so she still loves and trust us ..... and that we strike only because its for her own good ....  and that we are fair ..... of course when she starts to reason things out like 3 or 4 depending on individual child ...... we would change our methods ..... to reasoning .... and probably when older .... restricting of privelleges .... if she does not do her chores ..... or homework etc ...

[trinity papa]

hmm some of the message was lost ....

anyway when she is about 3-6 i would likely enrol her in some martial arts class ..... afterall the best kind of discipline is self-discipline ......

i think allot of people got the wrong idea that bullies are grown from voilent family where the child was spanked from young .... the true is more likely family violence is the cause and not spanking for discipline, and can only be used as a last resort because no amount of reasoning is going to work .... of course the alternative is to send them to a correctional facility because the parent fail in their job to teach discipline to their child, here i am talking about really really wayward individuals ..... the funny thing is no body hopes their child would come to that ..... that their child is the sweet loving individual we hope they will grow up to be ...... and we never discipline them ..... we black mail them or cover them in a shroud of love and lies .... so that they grow up sweet and innocent .... or what we want to think they are .... but in reality ..... they may grow up pampared, having everything from toys to attention, they start losing respect for others especially those less fortnate then them .... or they become selfish thinking the world is there to serve their needs ..... and they start to get into trouble in their teens ..... and at the end of the day .... who is to blame..... we can cover our eyes, or our ears or our mouth but ..... it doesn't cover the true .....

for eg ... having graduated from uk .... i have heard, read, seen, alot about protecting child rights, child previllages etc so we expect if they were right the society over time should be greater than during the great empire time but what has become of their social system ..... jails overflowing with teens, teens mugging, underteen pregnancies, teen knifing, etc etc ..... basically to me protect children from abuse ..... but discipline must never be compromised ..... undiscipline child is a undisciplne adult ... an undisciplined adult is a menace and burden to society .... if my child is such then i have failed terribly as a father .... but unfortunately the world is filled with such parents ..... you may bring up a well discipline a well brought up child ...... but who know one day your child might fall victim to and undisciplined one ..... and who knows if they are ready to protect themselves .... as one day they must protect their own family .....

as such love yes , but discipline is needed to help protect them and one day to help them protect their own family ....

ps discipline isn't just about obeying....... its about learning self control ..... etc ..... about knowing what is right and wrong ..... its about obeying when need to and to question when need to .... its a way of life .... hence teaching discipline isn't just about toddlering ...... its an entire perspective that takes a lifetime to teach and learn ....

i am sorry if i got carried away ... but i hold it dear to my self ...... just sharing my 1.5 cts tots ....

[karianne]

I also wanted to mention that we use the Melissa & Doug responsibility chart.  It is a magnetic chart which has behaviors/chores for the week, and then magnetic smileys for the child to add.  This has worked really well with my daughter...we got it when she was about 3yo.  At this age I give her 2-3 'freebies', meaning stuff she can already do (such as brush teeth, get ready for bed, get dressed, etc.)  The remainder of the tasks are things she has to think about and be aware of...such as sharing, saying please and thank you, being respectful, etc.  When using the chart, she just has more awareness of her behavior.  The smileys are great because it is positive reinforcement for good behavior, and going through the chart at bedtime gives time for reflection on things that need worked on.  Then at the end of the week we count up the number of smileys she has and if she has over a certain number (say 40 smileys for the week) then she gets a reward.  Sometimes it is special time (without little sister!) with mommy or daddy playing a board game, going to the park, for a walk, etc.  Or sometimes it is a new book or puzzle...sometimes it is something bigger like going to the movies or the zoo.  It just depends on what we have time for, how well her behavior was for the week, etc.  Of course the older the child, the more smileys you can require...although no one is perfect!

Here is a link to the magnetic chart if anyone is interested (it's at the bottom of the page!) ... http://www.earlytolearn.com/2009/reviews/products/melissa-doug/

[Joanna07]

 eg we attended a playgroup and there was this young boy under 3 .... he was going around kicking other toddlers bottom .... and what did the teacher and the father did?? the tried to talk reason and tell him no .... did the boy stop? definitely not ..... he is saying .... father said no ... i kick again .... and he says no ...... now that's fun ..... what's he going to do ..... continue saying no ..... wow i solicite a response from him by kicking someones bottom ...... needless to say i scrap that playgroup .... what kind of rubbish are they teaching ..... letting a bully run free ..... and the parents couldn't even control their little beast ....

I believe in natural consequence , if it was my son behaving this way, I would warn him once and if he doesn't stop I would stop the fun and we would leave the playgroup and go home where I would make sure he will be very bored. He will learn fast that playing nicely is more fun.

[Mandi Quiring]

I have to agree with you Joanna07..

Also, we should keep in mind treat your toodler how you want to be treated they do deserve respect...

tell them what answer you want to hear.  CHILDREN are NOT mindreaders... but by telling them what answer you would like to hear they eventually will start telling you.  For example... my son has a favorite spot... Chucky Cheese Pizza... I think its a money trap with unnutritional food... but about once every 6 months we end up going to as my toodler will say the purple chuckie cheese, not the pretend one mom.   the real one with the singing.    When we were leaving he natually would protest to his highest extent that he didnt want to leave....  THis behaviour happened at numerous favorite places.

One day I said to him these places are special treats, I wouldnt personally choose this as my desired location to spend an afternoon, but I am taking you because you like it.  You need to calm down and the appropriate response is Thank you mommy I had a great time!  Can we do that again some day please.  Then I tell him a response like that makes me whink if we have a little bit of time why not go in just for a couple minutes on any given day... A response like you are giving me means I do not want to take you again any time soon because your current response is too stressful for mommy.  So please jsut say thanks mommy...

I speak with respect all the time  to my toodler... telling him what I expect in which situations... and surprise surprise... children naturally want to please you.  Treat them right and they will continue to want to.  My son will now warm me.  "Mommy I dont want to go to grandmas house tooday... if you take me I am going to cry really loud.  I am going to choose that option.  I do this because  I like you best..."  Exact words... and I as the parent will say.  I am sorry you are sad to go to Grandmas house...  your grandma loves you and wants to have a good day.  I cant be with you today you can cry if that will help you feel better.. I will give you a big hug before I leave... and I hope that I can see you smiling after that.  Its always easier that way I find for you and me. 

I think its hilarious sometimes how much we request of our children to share, or to give up our turn... how much we stress upon it that we would give our children a time out sometimes for not sharing... I have a treasured pearl necklace that an aunt hand strung for me on my wedding day If someone told me I had to share my necklace with people I know I would have a hard time with it.  I would more then likely protest.  Your childs toy is their prized possession.  Acknowledge their right to not have to share sometimes... and talk to them about the positive effects of sharing at a later hour that same day.... and your child will automatically just start sharing more... wanting to try it out.... remember toodlers are very easy to convience if its their choice... and most adults work the same way.

Kids are precious.  Handle with care.  Try to get your toodler to make the right decisions out of knowledge not through fear and you will have a well behaved toodler.... for the days that they havent slept right and woke up cranky put them back to bed... If they wont go back to sleep take 30 minutes if possible hug them and rock them and help them go to sleep and they will wake up happy and you can start over again.  Try your best to make your days fun and respect your child... the rest falls into place
 

document.getElementById('recent_loading').style.display = 'none';document.getElementById('recent_page_box').style.display = '';

Page: 1/4  

Loading...

Members

• Total Members: 214778
• Latest: Demanou

Stats

• Total Posts: 110526
• Total Topics: 19136
• Online Today: 578
• Online Ever: 826
• (January 22, 2020, 12:09:49 AM)

Users Online

• Users: 0
• Guests: 309
• Total: 309