what is the best method to teach decipiline

[Skylark]

I think consistent boundaries are extremely important, not only for the discipline of the children, but for the sanity of the parents... Discipline is the skill of conveying to your child what behavior you expect, the benefits of desirable behavior, what behavior you will not tolerate, and the consequences of misbehavior. It also involves having the wisdom to consistently carry this out. Discipline is not something you do to a child, it is working with a child.

I like what Dr Sears said about disciplining young children ;"Appreciate normal toddler development. By the time your child is four years old, you will have the equivalent of a college degree in your child's discipline."

 Children need boundaries that take into account their capabilities at each stage of development. A twelve-month-old will need and expect different boundaries than a two-year-old. Again, Sears mention that "a strong will is a sign of health. A child needs a strong will to achieve all of the milestones of the following months and years. If she had no will, how would she ever be able to take all of the tumbles and spills and get right back up to try again?"

Develop the wisdom to say no. When children have clear boundaries, they can proceed with growth and development instead of wasting energy dealing with uncertainty. As parents we are to be in charge of our children, but not to the extent that we control them like puppets. Rather than being threatened by independence, a wise parent will find ways to channel the child's behavior.

Convey who's in charge. Be consistent in your discipline, and remember that lasting discipline requires persistent effort. For example, Your child is about to handle a forbidden object. Rather than shouting from your desk, go to him, take him by the hand, look him in the eye, get his attention, and show the young adventurer why this behavior is not permitted. Sound firm and offer an alternative. Try to remember the golden rule of discipline, and treat your child the way you would like to be treated. Even a toddler in an obstinate mood will find it hard to resist warmth and fun.

Put balance into your discipline. Give your child enough slack so he can safely test the waters. Give him a chance to mess up. If you routinely keep the rope too tight, he'll never fully learn what he can do, and he will never fail. It is from his parent-supported failures that he will learn. Rather than prohibiting a child from climbing, for example, make the environment a safe one in which to climb.

Create a child-considered environment. One of your roles as disciplinarian [of a young toddler] is to be on safety patrol, keeping one reach ahead of those lightning-fast little hands. You may find it easier to simply raise everything movable up a few feet for a few years, rather than constantly raising your voice to a monotonous "No!" And reserve no's for the big things.

These are just some points... I think studying to become a wise disciplinarian will make life easier for yourself and is a valuable inheritance to leave your children.

[trinity papa]

absolutely agree ... very well put ..... karma to you ...

we are learning new things everyday ..... and every child is different, and every year the same child changes his behaviour ..... either we react and be overwhelmed, or we learn and pre-prepare for all the possibilities that may come .... and pro-actively act before incidents happens or bad behaviours become a bad habit .....

if you don't train and discipline a child by the age of 3 ...... their behaviour would mostly be set for life ........

I have seen little kids pushing other babies and kids aside to get at what they want sometimes even stepping over them, just to get toys or food or simply to get a better view .... all other kids are just stupid victims .... because they don't know how to react to his .... parents so called wanting to win .... behaviour .... their parents proudly stand behind such kids .... teaching them to be so called first ..... not quite sure first at what ..... anyway .... when this kids meets bigger bullies ...... who is going to win ..... when they themselves becomes a victim .... doubt they will learn .... because their parents mentallity is ... push or be pushed ... so they take the aggressor role first until someone stands up to them ..... hopefully those kids or their parents don't meet me .... or i'll give them a earful.... ... i'm sure their parents will say kids are just being kids .... other kids are just victims

[hypatia]

Hi all...
How do you discipline a 12mo? My daughter is always so caught up in things. For example if she is playing outside with a stick or something, sometimes I only need to walk towards her and she 'knows' I am about to end the fun and take her in to have lunch or whatever. Usually she starts protesting the second I am near her, but today for the first time she reacted by a loud scream when i said 'we are going to have dinner now'. I thought 3 yo would do this kind of thing, not a 1 year old!

My mother is almost constantly saying 'no' to her 'no, please don't do that' (well she just does not stop grabbig things, misplacing them, throwing them in the bin, chewing little items etc), she does not play with toys, only 'adult' objects such as keys, phone etc.
I try NOT to tell her 'no' but rather re-direct her and hand her something else but it is SO much easier just to say no, because she stops immediately (only to start again one second later :-)

Anyone out here with a baby that age? 

[Mandi Quiring]

Hypathia...
Sometimes try saying yes instead of no.... a stick... let her play with a stick what harm can it really do?  You dont really need to discipline a 12 month old.. you just need to state what is acceptable and what is not...

All ONE YEAR olds will misplace things... having a child put things in their mouth is a part of healthy development at a year.  A child learns through their senses not through you saying No all the time... By a child touching, tasting, seeing, hearing, and experiencing your child is learning... We need to provide a safe environment, and sometimes we need to relax as parents.

Trinity Papa  I think you need to calm down by calling any child a stupid victim... children set boundries y experimenting... experimenting being the agressor, and experimenting eing the victim as you put it is a normal part of healthy development.

My goal as a parent is to guide my children into making the right decisions for themselves meaning I want them to think and rationalise for themselves.  I do not want my 2 year old or one year old acting from fear... Yes my 2 year old makes decisions... I guide him and sometimes take control when he cant make safe decisions. 

I tell my children when they have been pushed and want to push back... or if they have been pushed I simply state... "WE, (our family) dont do that."  I use that line a lot... when I hear parents yelling or my child witnessed excessive yelling that a parent was doing to their child I restate to my child "We dont do that"
 
I think this shows the child that they belong to something special... your family.  I explain that people do things differently in this world... but I define What is acceptable and try to teach tolerance and non judgement to my children. 

Respecting the above if they are being safe... and wont get hurt in a major way I let them experiment... I let them touch, jump, and try new things... as long as they are respectable and I treat them with respect.  I say please and expect them to say please... If they dont I say it for them... eventually it becomes a healthy habit... I dont know... I guess you either get it or your dont as a parent. 

[Autumn]

Mandi,

Thank you! I appreciate your quite appropriate response!  

And we also use that same line when witnessing poor behaviors.
"We don't do that." And since day one I have always taught my kids manners. Saying please, thank you, and any other correct manner should come naturally.

*Just thought I'd add something.....Glenn Doman talks about discipline. He says that a child needs discipline in the same way he needs good food and love and fresh air. 
He says if one is unable to motivate a child in a positve way (which is the very best way) then one must do what must be done.
The simplest, most direct way is the best way. For example, "Johnny, I want you to do this because it is good for you."If that works it is the best way.
If that doesn't work, then one should say, "Johnny, I want you to do this because I am your Mommy or Daddy and I have decided you should." If that works that is the next best way.
If that doesn't work, then he says to take away a privelege such as watching a favorite tv show or playing with the dog.
If that doesn't work, then one should say, "I want you to do this because I am bigger than you are and I say so."
They know we are bigger than they are and often it is enough to remind them of the fact. He says, "That's in one sense the only reason any kid went to school or ate his spinach!" If that works that's the next best way.
If that does not work, one must say, "If you don't do that I am going to pop you one." If that works it is the next best way.
If that does not work, one says, "Johnny, I am going to wham you, and when I'm through belting you, you are going to do it or I'm going to wham you again."

It is devoutly to be wished that one never gets to the bottom of the list, but if one does, he must win the battle because by that time the real subject under discussion is which one is the parent and which is the child.

He also says all parents must learn to relax.
 

Karma to you
Regards,
Autumn

[trinity papa]

mandi mandi mandi ... apparantly you misread and misunderstood alot of things ... probably english not good enough??

Hypathia isn't asking about child development ...... you seem to be jumping on the wrong ball, your method of teaching does'nt work for all child ...... and its your kind of method that people are trying to push .... that kids grow up spoilt or hypocrites ..... they act as angel in front of their parents but are really little ..."you know what".... you let them experiment pushing and bullying other kids?? you can catch them when they are doing but are you watching them 24x7?? So sometimes its ok and sometimes its not??

As for my statement i did not call any child stupid victims, i am expressing that such parents who lets their child experiment bullying and pushing..... are calling other child stupid victims ..... apparantly you seem to express you fall into such category ...... first let them push and bully... then tell them that "we don't do that" ..... so assuming your child is 3 yrs old and he pushes a 1yr old .... he or she knocks her head on a hard object ..... and you tell the poor child's parent what ....."oh i try not to restrict him, we are letting him practice what an aggressor is?" ..... sad to say its parents like you who are not very pro-active in teaching ....... and its kids like that that grows up slow ..... waiting for the event to happen before teaching ..... I wonder what happens if you child where the one who got pushed by an older child and hit his head, would you be jumping mad or would you be saying oh i am letting my child experience what is being a victim? duh ...... sounds hypocrite doesn't it ....

for us in our family we have a special play room and we do the pushing and being pushed around by our child and then we teach them that it is not acceptable to do this outside with other children ..... as injuries may occur or little babies maybe badly injured ..... its pro teaching ..... , we do up scenario and story telling to tell her what happens in a situation and how to handle it ..... this way our child knows how to act and behave ..... and not wait till she bullies someone ..... and someone gets injured...... you should try that .....

Autumn, "if that doesn't work, then one should say, "I want you to do this because I am bigger than you are and I say so." this statement is teaching a child to be a bully .......... we don't do that .... because it teaches her to be a bully simply becoz she is bigger and she can ...... rather we teach her respect and to give respect where its due ...... respect elders and elders will respect you ....... if they don't respect you then you do not need to give such adults such respect .... they don't deserve it ..... and if you want to be respected then you must be respectful .....

Autumn dear ..... i can understand the situation you are in ...... my child used to be like that at 10 mths ... yup 10 ..... and what we did was change .... instead of picking her up or stop her activity immediately ..... we would tell her 15 minutes before hand while still preparing .... if she is hungry we give her some soft food first or crackers now .... but if not she will continue playing ..... when the food is ready we cover it with a lid to keep warm ..... and then we go to play with her for 5-15 mins .... and reminding her the food is ready and if she is hungry we should eat, .... gradually she will welcome you as she knows that when you come you come to play with her, and after a good 5-15 mins .... she is tried out and wants a drink and something to eat ..... yes its quite tedious and time consuming ..... but after 1 mhs or so .... she will like you to play with her ..... and she will respond to it as after that its eating time .... anyway the fod is too hot and needs to cool down some .....  but meal times is sometimes a 2 person job .... one to play and one to cook healthy food ..... but not everybody is that lucky ....

As for toys is expectable ..... she will likely play what she sees adults using she thinks it must be fun that is why adults are playing with it ...... so sometimes you have to play the thing with her to show her .... and gradually she wil play  ..... sometimes its ok to give them the adult stuff provided its safe ... which is seldom ....haha

here we would like to say ...... the child displays the family behaviour and teachings ...... they are the reflection of their parents ..... as they say in the west the apple don't fall very far from the tree .....

[trinity papa]

[quote author=hypatia link=topic=4705.msg38915#msg38915 date=1250994621

My mother is almost constantly saying 'no' to her 'no, please don't do that' (well she just does not stop grabbig things, misplacing them, throwing them in the bin, chewing little items etc), she does not play with toys, only 'adult' objects such as keys, phone etc.
I try NOT to tell her 'no' but rather re-direct her and hand her something else but it is SO much easier just to say no, because she stops immediately (only to start again one second later :-)

Anyone out here with a baby that age? 
[/quote]

My child cries when i say NO. or anybody else who says it.

And she started doing so ....at 8mths. Like you, we also seldom say NO now ..... we just tell her straight that such behaviour is wrong, papa n mama don't like it ...... n then we show her the correct method .... n then we use that same method .... n she will see n understand ..... my girl maybe 20 mths now ... but she shows understanding of a child much much older ....... of course sometimes it is to be expected that she may display emotions that of a 20 mth ..... also it took us some 2 weeks to potty train her .... now we just hold her over the seat and say wee wee and she goes .... and she tells us when she wants to go .... except of course at night she needs a diaper ... other than that .... there is not a need ....

also our girl likes to pack up her toys after playing, she puts things back in its place, she likes to arrange her dolls ...soft toys etc in order and pretend to read a book to them .... why?? because we do it often in front of her .... we put her down asked her to sit, and we arrange her toys to sit .... and then we  read a book .... so she is copying us ..... my wife and i take turns .... and we read 2 different language books ..... at around 10 mth she started smashing blocks .... but that was because she does not know how to stack them yet .... we just build them up again and we smash them together and then after that i tell her you know its more fun building it ... and i would try rebuilding it while holding her hand etc .... after 1-2 mths she is no more smashing blocks but helping me build it .... but that is only in our own play room .... we would not let her do it outside ..... as smashing blocks outside could hurt other babies while playing ...... so we know she smash blocks we don't let her play it during playgroup ..... until she shows positive behaviour and knows how to play blocks at home that we let her play with other kids ....... its alot of leading by examples and alot of effort is needed in correcting oneself ... and then monkey sees monkey do .... we also bring her swimming now with float around her arms ... she is kicking and splashing away ..... since june ... and many parents commented on how brave she is and she knows how to blow bubble, poo poo out the water if it enters her mouth and how to wipe water from her eyes ... and i also dunk her etc .... when she started swimming at 4 mths old she does not know fear ..... so it was fun but its also very dangerous ..... at 7 mths we started dunking, water splashing into her face etc some parents says how so hard on the baby pushing her etc ... she cries but .... after 1 mth she is dunking her own head into the water .... and splashing it herself .....

kids must be shown how to express themselve and how to let out their energy in a positive way ... if not they will let it out in a negative way ...... hence every week there will 2 swimming sessions 2 cycling session .... and 2 walking session, saturday is too tiring as she has her 2 hour reading playgroup .... + outdoor photo taking and travelling session ..... this is to help her use some of her energy .... during day time she has phonics and reading time as well as singing and music time on alternate days .....

[Twinergy]

Hypatia,
I have been following your thread on teaching the active baby and I want to let you know that I also have a tornado toddler (and his twin sister).  He is also very clever at figuring out our childproofing efforts and it has taken a lot of work to stay ahead of him.  (Has your DD started climbing yet?)  I remember 12-18 months being the most difficult (so far), but it has been slowly been getting easier since then.  Now he follows directions great, which always amazes me.  He even initiates things like putting things away without my asking.  Some of his favorite activities now include helping with the laundry, sweeping, unloading the dishwasher, and setting the table.  I even got him a little vacuum, but he is scared of it although still fascinated by it.  Of course it takes longer now with him helping, but he is gaining valuable experience. 

12 months was an interesting time for me as a first time mom, that’s when I had to start thinking about discipline too.  As for saying “no” this http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T061100.asp  article by Dr Sears really helped me.  I really try to limit saying “no” and have found many creative substitutions for the word that are really more specific and give more information; the most useful have been “danger” and “not for (baby’s name)”.   I have even heard of some parents that have managed to eliminate the word.  I also agree with Mandi, there might be some things you are saying “no” to that can be let go, at least this was true with me.  For example, when my DD was mouthing small rocks (choking hazard) instead of saying “no” I would try redirecting her impulse by giving her larger rocks that weren’t a choking hazard.  Once she had a rock in each hand she wouldn’t put them down to pick up a smaller one.  Or when DS would pull all the socks out of the drawer and throw them onto the floor I would throw the socks right back in, he eventually caught on and now (sometimes) will help me put them back.   Another tool I found very useful in minimizing “no’s” was childproofing, which has been a continual ongoing process as my DS figures out how to get into something else.  When I read your post I wonder if maybe your mom’s house isn’t well childproofed?  I found that taking them out to play areas designed for kids that age helped them explore new territory but allowed them to be safe at the same time.  There may be some indoor playgrounds in your area.  I am constantly inventing new ways to minimize saying “no” as new situations arise.

Mealtime here has also been a challenge.  I don’t have the luxury of waiting to feed one of my kids when the other is hungry.  What has been useful for me is to have a transition activity that signals mealtime is going to be soon.  This is similar to having a bedtime ritual.  If you can figure out a way to have your DD involved in the meal prep this is ideal, or at least nearby.  You might have to wait a few months before the kitchen is a safe place for her.  (I don’t know this might be much easier with one than with two.)  I also find that tornado boy really has to “do” what adults are doing too, much more so than my DD.  This also applies to eating.  So when you start to run into resistance at mealtime, try making it more grown up.  My kids are 22 months now and push their chairs to the table, climb in (I buckle them), and sit at the table just like mom and dad.  Of course this won’t work for a 12 month old, just some ideas for the future. 

Many of the behaviors you are describing are developmental and age appropriate for a 12 month old.  Keeping this in mind really helped me, especially when I found the behavior was frustrating.  You mentioned that your DD is protesting with a loud scream.  That is normal, and good that she feels comfortable enough with you to let you know how she feels about things.  She just doesn’t yet have the language to express these feelings in an adult way.  One tool that really helps with preverbal children is Active Listening, where I essentially translate for her.  I usually say something like “It looks like you are feeling frustrated.  You really want to keep playing in with that stick.”  Often times just feeling like they have been heard is enough for them to move on. 

This whirlwind will be more tame in a few months, until then I suggest trying to give her motions some direction. 

[Autumn]

Hi,

There ARE SOME great tips on here, but I do stand firm to disagree with a few of them too   No offense.
 





On Raising Children:

Glenn Doman also says, Mothers know/have their insticts! Mothers are right 99% of the time! Whether it's to spank at a moment or to pick up and love the child! They are the best at what they do!   (and fathers too)

CHILDREN:
Love full time adult attention
Especially from Mommy and Daddy


Children learn when they're being paid attention to.
 

CHILDREN WILL DO ANYTHING TO HAVE MOMMY AND DADDY'S ATTENTION! SO GIVE THEM THE RIGHT KIND AND THEY'LL THRIVE!

Glenn Doman did a lot of work studying children's behaviors for more than 50 years and I'd bet he knows at least a thing or two about them. The process that  gets things done is the opposite side of the coin called "motivation." For want of a better name, we'll call it "discipline". The best kind of discipline, quite obviously, is self-discipline. If a child sees's the happiness that his self-discipline (or following of the rules) brings to the family, it is the very best way of all!!! I think if we can get inside of them and help them talk and think things out then we are creating problem solvers, and teaching them self-discipline too.  Sounds like a win-win scenario if you ask me. Children and adults need rules. Both are constantly searching to find what the rules are, to find where the edges are which one may not go beyond.  Routines can often help kids too.  As far as self-discipline, it is as every bit as possible in children as it is in an adult. And if all else fails we then impose discipline. 



And most importantly he always stresses the importance of being   JOYOUS!!!!   


I love what I do. I believe what I am doing is the very best, and I whole-heartedly believe in Glenn Doman's methods too.


Hope I didn't step on too many toes. 


Best Regards,
Autumn

[hypatia]

So many great ideas! Thank you all!

Has your DD started climbing yet?
When I read your post I wonder if maybe your mom’s house isn’t well childproofed? 

My daughter started climbing stairs at 8 months! Since then it is her great passion (i did not have stairs where I used to live. I now live with my parents who do have some, and she waits for me at the bottom when she wants to climb. She walks now but still climbs crawling style, although she started using her feet instead of her knees)

My mum's house is not childproof at all! It is a long house (with a hallway all along) and many things are not functional (drawers which don't close, slippery tiles, that sort of things)
It is a bit of a headache and i'm always trying to put myself in her shoes and see what interests her. Everyday she does something she wasn't meant to know how to do, such as climbing on the couch..

She does understand everything I say and 'knows' what she is not meant to do. For example, to play with the dirt and to pull the leaves of the plants. I usually say something like 'Oh look honey here is a xxx, let's have a look at it and then i'll wash your hands". This, I manage. What i don't is when she does something which seems fascinating but which i need to end at some point. Then she gets mad when i approach her and i need to remain really calm. Of course she quickly stops her screaming once she is in my arms but the first 60s of 'conflict' are awful.
About your idea, Twinergy, of having a transition routine between playing outside and then eating..she does have a 'strict' routine which is why she gets so upset when I come to pick her up in the garden :-)

Mandy: You probably misread my message. My daughter does play with sticks, it is when it is time to stop playing that she gets upset.
And I was asking for ideas on not to use the word NO all the time. I do not like hearing it (weirdly enough, it is when i heard my mother saying it that it shocked me how often everyone must be telling her not to do things all the time) Hence my request.

I was travelling 2 months ago, i was chatting away on my computer in the hotel room, and she was playing with a handbag next to me. The next second, i was hitting my daughter's back trying to remove a round piece which she had cut from the bag, in a few second, and which got stuck. I ended up having to hurt my daughter to the point of both of us being covered in blood as it would not come out. Next thing, I was in the streets in my pyjamas waiting outside the hotel for an ambulance.. Well i all ended well but when, in a split second, she puts rocks in her mouth, my heart just stops, and she knows when i ask her 'what do you have in your mouth?' she removes it and brings it to me.
So that is a bit of a sensitive issue for me :-(

Trinity Papa: it is cute to read how your daughter imitates you. I wasn't much aware of her abilities before. For example my mum brought her a plastic glass, a spoon and a doll, showed her how to put the spoon in the glass to collect imaginary food and put it in the doll's mouth while saying 'yum yum'. Straight away my daughter was doing it too. That is just adorable.
:-)

Is there a discussion at the moment about Active Listening?

[Isabeau]

In one of the books that I was reading by Barbara Coloroso, she was suggesting, as you asked about hypatia, using alternative to the word NO, so that you can save it for when you really mean it, and so when they hear it, it really has an impact -- like in critical situations (safety/dangerous situations, etc.).  I have heard things like "good idea, but not until later" or "oh oh, that isn't good for babies!" or "how about we play with this instead..." basically diverting their attention like you were talking about.

Other ideas:  Giving warnings in advance (the five minute warning is KEY with my son "we're going in five minutes!").  THe second was telling expectations in advance and being very clear about them -- "okay, we're going to go outside and play in the garden, but in half an hour, when I tell you that it's time to come in for lunch, I expect that you come in without any yelling or screaming.  I expect... And if you DO yell and scream (or whatever) then there will be a consequence. (and then explain what the consequence will be).  I find that laying down the expectations in advance REALLY works with my son.  I have to be very specific and clear, and then he more often than not follows my directions. Another thing that I find really useful is to give the child small decisions to make to redirect their attention away from the sadness about having to leave their play.  Something like "okay, it's time to go in! Do you want to wear the blue bib or the pink bib!" or "do you want to eat from your special princess plate, or the special Nemo plate?" just giving them a small decision to make often is enough to distract.  That one usually works really well with my son.

Also, it suggested another technique I really like. I tried it with my three year old, and it really works like a charm to prevent temper tantrums before they start, or to "Talk him down" once they have started.  Even though it might seem counter-intuative.  If you want to try it out with your little one just before taking her inside to go and eat, it *might* work for you too!  It's a technique called mirroring -- basically naming her feelings, and describing exactly back to her what you perceive her feelings to be so that she sees that you actually UNDERSTAND what she's feeling.  I guess the idea is that many temper tantrums, etc. are caused because kids don't think that you understand what they are feeling, so their voice gets louder and they get more distressed trying to show you just how much they are feeling.  It SOUNDS like you're just going to get them even MORE worked up because you are reminding them about how much fun their play was, or whatever, but it actually does seem to work! It's easier to explain with an example maybe.

I'll give you an example from our day:

me:  "Okay babe, it's time to clean up the toys and go up to bed!"
my son (with voice starting to get high pitched, tears coming, huffing and puffing):   "no, I don't WANT to go to bed, I want to put up new ROAD SIGNS!!! I don't WANT to go to bed.  I want to stay here.  I don't want to go!!"
me:  "I see -- you want to stay here and you're frustrated because I said you had to go to bed and sad because you were having SO much fun playing with the cars and you don't want to leave them!"
my son:  "yeah!"
Me:  "You were building roads, and just starting to put up the road signs, and you LOVE putting up the road signs on your roads - that's your favorite part!  And then you got frustrated because I came along and told you that it was time to stop playing! But you don't want to stop, you want to keep on playing and putting up your road signs to control traffic for your cars!"
my son (voice trembling somewhat but no more huffing, puffing, tears or high pitched voice):  "yeah, I was having fun playing cars!  I WANT to put up the road signs.  I don't want to go to bed"
me: Oh, yeah, I see you are upset and frustrated, and that you don't want to leave your cars.  But here's the thing.  It's really late and that means it's time to go to bed, just like every night at this time.  I gave you a five minute warning so you knew that bedtime was soon.  The longer you argue the less time we have to read stories in bed, and I know you love reading stories.  Would you like to pick two stories to read for bed?"  (or with smaller kids, it's better to give specific choices, like "would you like to read the book about bears, or the book about cars?").

More often than not, just showing him that I understand what he's feeling but that there's a reason why he needs to do what I say, we avoid the temper tantrum altogether.  It's amazing to see the temper tantrum stop mid cry, as soon as you start explaining to them that you understand how much fun they are having and that you understand that they don't want to stop.  I was floored.  It took a few tries to get it right, but I knew it as soon as I did because it was immediate!

I think the book was called "connected parenting" I don't think that every aspect of the book fits with my style of parenting, but that part was a gem.

And the funny thing -- after mirroring his feelings back to him and then following up by "but here's the thing..." or "but the problem is..." my three year old actually started saying it back to me.  "but here's the thing, mama.  I'd really like to have milk with lunch..."  Too funny.

Try it out, it might work!  Can't hurt.  And if nothing else, at least you force yourself to be much more conscious of your child's feelings and that's always a good thing!

[fatima786]

hi there.

i feel like im missing something which is probably something simple with regards to discipline.
how do i stop screaming. i never use to scream at my son and now i scold him when i tell him not to do something and he still does it.

eg. dont put your feet on the laptop. dont bang your hands on the keyboard.
then i scream. "what did i just say. didnt i tell you not to put your feet on the laptop!!!!"

another thing i have a problem with.
i ask my son.
"do you want to eat?"  he says NO! EMPHATICALLY which annoys me intensly. maybe i should tell him to say "no thank you" thats a more polite response which wouldnt annoy me.

when he wakes in the morning he doesnt let us sleep in a little. he asks 4 milk. i tell him just now and he says " dow want just now! whaaa" then after i make it he yells me "dow want mama to sleep in bed" at half 5 in the morn im still tired.

im sure ill find solutions. he is a good child. well behaved most of the time. he just wont do something by himself while i sleep a little later.

may be this is life being a parent. he is my one and only child. i just need to stop screaming.
even though its twice or thrice a day. when i lose it i feel so out of touch with myself and my child.

[Isabeau]

Hi Fatima786!

I totally understand that problem of having to tell them something more than once and being totally frustrated by it.  I know every kid is different, but for my son, the MOMENT I raise my voice, or loose my patience, he melts down and spirals towards a temper tantrum.  He just doesn't know why i've "snapped" or what's happening and it's alarming to him. Then after a while they get immune to shouting.  Ick! Also, usually when he's doing this kind of repeated behaviour that i've asked him not to do it's because he wants my attention, so I try, even if I have something that I NEED to get done on the laptop, giving him even five or ten minutes of my undivided attention, reading a book or playing a game or something.  Usually that's enough -- it gets him going on playing something so that I can sneak away for a while and get done what I need to do without him being all over me and i'm back before he notices that I was gone!

For my son, it also works infinitely better to say calmly "now I asked you to take your feet down from the laptop because I don't want you to break it. If you don't listen, i'm going to have to take you away to a different place where you don't feel tempted to put your feet up." and then if he doesn't stop putting his feet up, I move him somewhere else.  I try not to give any extra warnings or pleadings, he just needs to move so I move him.  Also no yelling, screaming, at him needs to happen. It's not punishment, it's just discipline -- natural consequences to his actions.  But he needs to know that when I say something I really mean it.  I really am going to move him.  Then i'll give him something else to play with to distract his attention from being upset at having to move.  Of course, this is what I usually do, and what I TRY to do all the time, but of course, sometimes I fail and fall into the same thing you said: "WHAT DID I JUST SAY!!!"

The chances are good that at least the first few times (maybe more) he'll be upset and start throwing a temper tantrum.  One book that I read talked about then starting to mirror at this point. I described that a bit above.  for example: "I know, you're upset because mama made you move after you were putting your feet up on the laptop, and you didn't want to move.  You wanted to (insert here whatever it was -- "play with mama" or "play with the computer" or whatever) and you didn't like it when mama said you had to stop."  Make a few statements like that about how the child is feeling -- about two or three, maybe four -- until they're calmer and they start to nod or say yes or uh huh, or whatever.  And then say something like "But here's the thing, the computer is breakable, and you were putting your feet on top of it.  That's not how we use the computer.  If you put your feet up on it, you could easily break it and mama and daddy would be very upset if the computer was broken.  We don't want that, so you can't be near the computer if you keep putting your feet on it.  How about instead we play with cars (or whatever he likes playing).  Would you like to be the green car or the red car?  Which car can I be??"

Might work for you to stop temper tantrums (if your son has them). Works like a charm with my son.  He wasn't ever a huge temper tantrum kind of kid, but doing this has basically cut them down to nothing! (not to say he always listens, no kid is perfect!  but he doesn't have temper tantrums or crying fits much at all anymore.  They're rare.

As for the "do you want to eat?" question.  THat's tough.  Maybe he's not hungry?  Or maybe he's trying to assert his independence?  Doesn't say how old your son is, but I know my kid often does say that when he's trying to be independent.  How about instead of asking such a broad question that can only be yes or no, try asking a specific one that gives him options to choose from but still achieves what you would like to achieve "would you like to eat a cheese sandwich or a peanut butter sandwich?" (or whatever food would be appropriate for you to give for lunch).  I really found that giving my son options to choose from really cut down on him saying "NO!" to me, and redirected his attempts for independence towards making small choices that were appropriate for his age.  IT really helped!  Or it could be anything else "what chair do you want to sit in for lunch - this one or that one?" or "which bib do you want to wear the red or the blue?" but giving two specific choices works well with smaller ones.  Some choices will work, other choices he won't care about, so he'll just keep saying "no!" but it's trial and error to see what he cares about enough to be distracted by.   Even "do you want milk or water with lunch?" sometimes works!

As for the sleeping in question, if you EVER find a solution for that one, PLEASE let me know.  I hate waking up in the morning.  As my son has gotten a bit older (he's three) he's started sleeping a little longer!

Good luck!  Hope some of these ideas help.  They're just some ideas that i've read about and tried with my son and found that they really work for us.

[hypatia]

Oh, great advice here. Fatima and Isa, Karma to you!

When I was little, some family members stayed with us for a long period of time, and their kids were around my age. I remember their mother asking them 'yes/no' questions constantly, such as 'do you want to eat' and 'what do you want to eat?' She would end up cooking, let's say pasta for one, eggs for the other, while the 3rd one did not want to eat to start up with.
On the other hand, my mum would say 'dinner's ready' and my siblings and I would eat whatever was on offer. Obviously (luckily!) there was some flexibility for us. i would not eat meat whatsoever but would always have to eat a little (to try) and then i could have something i liked better, or some of us could have cheese or not etc etc. Not too strict but still narrowing our options so it did not end up being a nightmare for Mother!
So I'm very conscious of not making my life more complicated by creating a pattern of too much choice for my child. She is still young and I honestly don't think she cares what she eats. She does have preferences, so she will get more of a specific food than another one, but she does not get to chose.
And to be honest, when she gets upset about changing from one activity to the other, it is mosty myself (and the people around me) I think of; i want to avoid the drama to as much of a stress-free day as possible. I know my daughter won't remember, 10 seconds later when she is happily having a bath how she is missing out on the playground.

Isa, your suggestion about letting her know I understand her feelings is wonderful. I will try it (as much as possible with a one year old)

I already know my daughter is very sensitive. She hurt herself one the table the other day and to take her mind out of it, I 'hit' the table while saying 'Naughty, naughty table!" and she started bawling..    probably thinking i was reproaching her.

Keep on posting, I love to read what everyone does with their young ones!

[Autumn]

Hi,

Here's what I do in the mornings.

First determine what time your child normally sleeps until. My kids will sleep until 8 a.m.


Tell your child the night before what is expected of them. I expect you to stay in your room until I come and get you in the morning at 8 a.m. I let them keep books in their rooms and a few quiet toys so they do have something safe to do until I come and get them.  If you need to use the potty, you've got your potty chair. (I leave it in my 2 year old's room) She is potty trained and sleeps in a toddler bed now.  And you know if you do not do what I ask, there is a consequence. BE CONSISTENT! For this, the consequence is a spanking. One spank on the bare bottom does the trick for us.  Yes, it may take a few days or so. But after that it's gold! My almost 5 year old has been doing her mornings this way for nearly 3 years!    

Hope this helps some!


Regards,
Autumn

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