what is the best method to teach decipiline

[marimari]

I think that to disciplinate a child the person, in case, mother must also be disciplinated. Children learn by copying a model, majority of times "her mother and father", so if you teach one thing and you don´t practice it, nothing goes well. I had one experience that was: I had a bad habit to bite nails and once I noticed my daughter was also biting nails, then I stopped biting and even put my hand in my mouth; after this, I made a green chart with picture of what she could do and a red chart with picture of what she couldn´t do. One of these things were: DON`T BITE NAILS. Every night, before going to bed, we went there and checked if she had made everything ok, if so, she step up one number (a kind of incentive) and when she finished the number 7 (one week) making everything ok, she won a gift. If she didn´t make one of her tasks, she was advised once and if she repeat, she stayed in a place: Discipline place (a chair or a carpet). It worked!!! and result: I also stopped biting nails. You can use it with whatever you want to disciplinated your children.

[Isabeau]

hypatia,
Oh yeah!  I agree, TOTALLY with your comment about not wanting to cook something different for each kid.  NO WAY.  I don't have that issue yet, since I have a three year old and a seven month old so they are naturally eating different things (pureed vs. regular food!).  but we just eat leftovers for lunch, so I give him the choice between whatever leftovers are available and appropriate for him.  For supper we all eat the same thing, no options there he either eats that, or nothing, mind you we always try to make sure there is at least one portion that he will eat for sure, and then he has to at least try the salad etc before he gets seconds of the portion that he might want!  Then the choice becomes something else small, but significant to him. But it doesn't have to be a question between foods, it can be a question between which chair to sit in, which bib to wear, whether he wants ketchup or not.  Whether he eats inside or outside (if you think a picnic might be fun), or whatever two things that you thing are okay and appropriate to offer, either being okay with you.  The trick is not to ever offer something that you don't want to do, hoping that he'll pick the other.  If i offer it, I have to be okay with him having it, or picking it.

If I remember right, kids that age are really starting to push for their independence, which is a great thing, I think! But that's is why it's said to be a good thing to offer appropriate choices when they start pushing in that way.  Healthy, safe, small choices, but choice. 

Personally, I'm all for helping kids to make decisions for themselves which are appropriate for their age.  I'm not saying to let them choose the new family car, but just small things that allow them to start testing how it feels to be independent and how it feels to make good choices.  I guess I sorta feel that it's important to start, even at a young age, to allow them to practice making decisions for themselves, so that they see that I trust them to be able to make good decisions for themselves, and so that  they have practice and confidence when it's time to make REAL decisions that affect their lives.  I don't want to tell them what to do in all situations and all circumstances (of course sometimes that's necessary and appropriate) because I want them to be confident and secure in making decisions for themselves.  As they get older the decisions that I offer them to make can hold more and more weight.  Of course, with me being there to guide and assist them, but also allowing them to make their own mistakes and learn from them.

But that doesn't mean I allow him to make a decision like "I want to push that kid over." or bully other kids.  Of course not.  We have an absolutely 0 tolerance policy for that.  There are consequences if that does happen, of course!

Oh so tricky, this parenting thing!   Do keep posting, this is really interesting!

[Isabeau]

OKay, now I'll ask my question.  Maybe it's not a discipline question exactly, but i'll ask it here anyway, and maybe someone can direct me to a better place if this isn't the right one.

I have two boys -- one three and one seven, no wait, eight months old.  The older boy has never been jealous of his younger brother or all the attention that a newborn needed.  He has always been really patient and excited and happy to have a new brother.  He really really loves him a lot. He's very kind to him.  He's a great brother. And he's VERY affectionate.

There's where the problem comes in.  He's so sweet.  He loves to hug his brother, and kiss him, and generally watch out for him.  Which is good.  But he's smothering him.  SMOTHERING him with hugs and kisses.  The younger one doesn't USUALLY mind (of course sometimes he's had enough and makes it known) but it annoys me to see him crawling into his car seat to give him kisses or whatever.   

My question is this:  I want to encourage him to be kind and loving to his brother.  I don't want to punish him for being caring and affectionate, but I feel like i'm getting on my older one's case all the time about it.  I should also say that we're very affectionate with him too, so he's probably just mirroring what he sees us doing with him and his little brother, but he's not old/mature enough to know boundaries. I have tried explaining that his brother is too small and easily hurt, and that he needs some personal space.  It works to a certain degree but I guess not enough.  I don't want to stop being affectionate with the older one so that he stops copying my behaviour with his younger brother.  I don't want to punish him.  Is this just a phase they grow out of?  Any ideas, suggestions or theories out there??

[Autumn]

Hi,

Just thought I'd add something.  Even though Glenn Doman suggests to say, I am your parent and bigger than you doesn't mean we use that one, specifically. We use what we feel fits our needs best. Just like with anything in life!!!


We also have  zero tolerance to any ill treatment including bullying....just to set the record straight.


I really enjoy hearing everyone's ideas on parenting. Keep up the great work! 

Sincerely,
Autumn

[fatima786]

hi there

thank you for all the much needed advice.

only got to respond now because my hot water geyser was leaking!!!

Isa your advice is so sensible. i put it to practice at lunch. i asked him do you want to sit on mamas chair or Abba(dad)s chair. he chose his dads chair (after all i do for the little guy he still picks dads chair instead of mine!!) he sat and ate all his egg. he wanted rice krispies for lunch n i told him i dont have any but i have a tasty egg. he ate all the egg n asked for more. it was great havin a stress free feeding session. i have also resolved to stick to a time for food. lunch at 12:30 and supper at 4:30. i would like him to eat supper together with us as i read somewhere that kids that eat a family meal together with parents have a great sense of whats going on in the world and have a greater general knowledge due to conversations taking place (the people conducting the study obviously dont know about the general knowledge doman/brillkids stuff.) the problem is that he is so fascinated with us and the table that he is too busy talking to us to eat and shaking the pepper and drinking our water and hiding the sauce. so now i feed him at 4:30 and he can nibble from us if he wants. i know that having a set food time is important, think coz kids like routine.

i think he does want to assert his independence.

hypatia, i understand what its like to have a child that is sensitive. i noticed that one day when my son broke a bowl and it shattered to pieces he felt bad about it. he was 2 years n 2months. i kept telling him its fine n whats important that he was safe n didnt get cut and that the bowl is something i didnt even like in the first place. it took him a while to come around he was so sad for a while. i think that as parents we have to be sensitive to them as well. no child intends to be naughty or for an accident to happen but sometimes these things just do. think they need love love and love with those necessary boundaries.

autumn, my son sleeps in my room. if he wakes in the night he climbs in my bed! ill try arranging activities n see how he reacts.

i wanted to do this for a while but never got down to it. wanted to gift wrap a whole lot of little inexpensive rewards like a tiny car, or snack like smarties (i give my child chocolate but now they make smarties with no artificial colourants so that eases my guilt) as rewards for good behaviour. opening the wrapper would make it fun.

Isa I dont know how you can stop the older one from being so affectionate. think it will pass. its wonderful that he isnt jealous though.

i am resolving from this moment to not scream



 

[Isabeau]

Good for you Fatima786!  Good luck.  I'm sure it'll still happen sometimes (like it does for everyone -- ESPECIALLY when we're tired!), but maybe less and less as time goes on and you start trying some of the other tricks people have suggested, right?

[hypatia]

When my nephew came to my house, he was under 2 years old, he kept touching my stereo and DVD player.  I sat next to him and told him "No, don't touch."  When he touched it again I picked up his hand by the skin on the top, pinching it and said, "No, don't touch."  This continued about 15 times before he realized that if and when he touched it, he would feel an unpleasant sting that made it not worth touching.  His parents did not use these methods with him so it took him awhile to get it.

Krista, have you noticed that your children would pinch you or other children when they are upset?
My daughter would not say anything when she was frustrated (a child taking her toy for example). For the last month, her reaction is to pinch the person she's unhappy with (me or another child). She stares and will pinch for a long time, expecting a reaction I think.
I use 1,2,3 method and in extreme case, she gets a tap on the hand. I've never pinched her.
Thanks!

[Krista G]

My youngest may have pinched one of the others once or twice, but no, they never went around pinching each other as a common behavioral problem.

[granmommy985]

well, i dont have a book to read, or any thing like that.  just the book of life.  it starts from a new born.  as long as you respond in a timely manner, not more than a few minutes to their distress calls,  and provide them with what they need, you wont have too many problems with disipline.  this includes holding, cuddling, etc.  what ever their need.  i tell people,  we as adults dont like to be alone, why would a baby.  i dont believe a child under the age of 6 or 7 needs to spanked, and ususally not even severely punished..(unless they are like my youngest was when he was 3-4)  then and now, i believe he had a mild form of autism.  just it was not as recognized then as it is now.. for him, when he had trouble controlling his emotions,  i would bring him to his room, or another designated spot,  and talk to him calmly and tell him he needed to stay here until he was able to get himself under control.  then he could come back by the rest of the family... in this way, he learned to calm himself, instead of depending on me to do it for him....  he is now 20 years old, and in the air force.  he is stationed in germany, and works on their secure computer networks... i just always let my 3 boys know when they reached the age of wanting to talk back or raise their voices to me. i let them know very firmly, this was an unaceptable behavoir.  and the that they would be in trouble to treat me this way.  in return, i always treated them with the utmost respect, and loving attention.  good l
not that life was perfect, it never is, but to this day, 23 22 20,  3 boys, have never raised their voice, or talked to me in a desrespectful way. but i never did that to them either.  love your babies, they are grown too fast....
granmommy

thein

[granmommy985]

you know, you are right.  your child will mimic you.  arent you proud to know you are doing such an awsome job that he wants to love his brother as much and you love him...i do understand though,  it is hard.  i just went through all that....5 4 2 yr olds....i would simply try to explain that they had to gentle with the baby, and hold their hand and show them how to love the baby softly.  usually on their foot as to deter germs when they are small....(i can be a bit anal about newborns and infants.)  but if you continue to show him, and then remind him when he does go to the baby, he will learn how to love in a softer way.also, you could get a stuffed animal, show him how to hold and love a baby in a loving and tender manner..he will copy you then of course too.....how wonderful to have such a loving 3 yr old.....congrats good luck.  im sure he will be fine with the new way of loving....

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